I miss my independance
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive March 2006:
I miss my independance
Tomorrow is Matthew's 2nd birthday and my camera is dead. We are spending so much these days getting our house ready to sell and other things that there is no way DH will buy into a new camera and I don't want to put money into the old one. I would rather just spend the repair money and put it towards a new camera.
The camera I want/like is $1,000 plus an extra $200 for the lense I want. I wish I had a source of income I would just go out and buy it.
DH is very supportive, I booked my flight to Minneapolis on points yesterday for a 3 day confernce, but we still have to pay for the hotel for 3 days, the conference cost and meals. Not to mentioned he has to take a day and a half off work. He supports me all the way in most things I want to do.
It's just discouraging not being able to say I want to do this and not have to consult anyone about it, I mean from a financial stand point. He went out and bought a pricey hockey stick about a month ago and didn't mention it. Of course I noticed. It kind of bugged me, not that he bought the stick but that he didn't mention it. It was kind of a guys way of saying "No these are aren't new shoes, I've had these forever!"
I want to stay at home with my kids, but I miss working and having my own money. Even though all things are equal here, it doesn't always feel that way. It's more my problem then a problem with DH.
I thought about selling Tupperware, but I don't know a lot of people so how would I book parties? Now we are moving so I'll know even less people.
Any thoughts?
I felt the same way Heaven until about a year ago!! My DH is totally supportive, doesn't mind the spending of $, he's conscious of our budget, but it IS different when you're not bringing home your own bacon anymore. I TOTALLY agree!
I was lucky enough to learn about a state funded teaching program that I've worked with for about a year. The $ just happens to be ridiculously SPECTACULAR and I only work about 6-8hrs./week. (Keep in mind, I ONLY do it because we have family in town and they babysit during that time. Otherwise I wouldn't do it.) Doing this makes me feel sooo much better, not just because I feel more comfortable spending $ on myself, but because in my mind I know $X that I made helped us pay for this or that. We always split the bills before, so resigning my job was a big transition for me at first.
I hope you find something that interests you, works out with your kids' schedules, and that makes you feel a little more financially indepedent. I just wanted say I know how you feel! There are a few consultants here that make a nice supplemental living selling Pampered Chef, but of course you're out usually during the evenings and that wouldn't work for me personally. I don't know how popular that is in Canada, but it's big in IN.
Do you make anything that you could try sellingn on ebay?
My DH is the only one that works. But, "his" money becomes our money. If I want something, I buy it. If he wants something, he buys it. Of course if it's a big purchase, I let him know I'm buying it. Or if it's a major purchase then we decide on it together.
Do you sew? There is a HUGE boutique world on ebay. Outfits going for hundreds of dollars EACH.
Try searching "ivylane" on ebay. (BTW, I'm not affiliated with them, so this is not a plug for me, lol). If you can sew, you have a future on ebay, lol.
Deanna, thanks for the support and understanding. Pampered Chef is here as well, but I find it expensive so I would have a hard time selling it, not that Tupperware isn't but it has a life time guarantee. Anyway home shows would be hard for me to do because DH travels so much and paying a babysitter would just defeat the purpose.
Breann, don't get me wrong it's our money, I just have a hard time spending it. DH and I also have different values and we tend to spend money on different things. I like beach vacations, he would rather rent a cottage. In 9 years have we ever gone on a beach vacation, nope. Guess what we are doing this summer? Renting a cottage. I shouldn't complain there are people who have a lot more problems then deciding between cottages and beach vacations.
I'm just missing *me* a bit, I'm feeling isolated and lost and I want a new CAMERA WAAAA. There are other things that we could do with $1200 like put it towards our children's education fund. I'm just being a baby.
Thanks for letting me whine.
I understand, Heaventree. I started working when I was 11 babysitting for the neighbors and this is the first time since I have been unemployed this length of time! It was a major adjustment for me. And like Deanna, my husband and I split the bills. So if I wanted something and could still afford it after the bills, I simply purchased it. Now it feels so strange to ask my husband for money! And I seldom do,(except for the necessities, of course) as things are tight with just one of us working. I am re-doing our daughter's room and would love to get her a new area rug. Last month I remember feeling just as you mentioned!
When Lara came along, I contemplated taking care of another child in our home. I figured it would give us some extra income, and perhaps a little playmate for our dd. But we decided against it when we started thinking about liability, etc.
I hope you're able to come up with something. Wish I had some good ideas for you!
Sometimes I feel the same way about specific purchases. Right now I REALLY want some new cabinetry to create a more ideal scrapbooking place for myself. But really it's not "needed" and the $ would be better spent elsewhere. I have a great space right now so I shouldn't be a baby!!
It's very spoiling when you have that double income $ for so long and get used to that lifestyle. It takes so much longer to get things now than it used to!!! Now it's like we have to save for the big things we want and then they get purchased really spread out. Before it was just "okay, my next paycheck will cover that" or "the next 2 will cover our vacation". Easy breezy days!! Or...like you mentioned, we make sure we've contributed a specific amount to the college fund or extra to retirement, and THEN we allow ourselves those extra things.
I bought a new Canon digital camera for $200 last year. It was rated #1 on Consumer Reports list of best digital cameras.
I do know what you mean about not being able to afford stuff (I am a SAHM on a tight budget, too) but a good camera, even a 35mm, doesn't need to cost more than $400.
Lisa, even $400 would be a stretch these days, I don't just want a camera to snap photos of birthday parties. I'm kind of an artsy fartsy person and would like to have a really good camera so that I can expand on my creativity. I know I could take good pictures with a $400 camera but I want something that has a large base (better for stablity when holding) and I want to be able to change lenses and do all sorts of stuff like blow my photos up quite large. So I would rather wait I guess and take that $400 that I would spend on an ok camera and put it towards what I really want. Besides I spent $500 on my camera 3 years ago and now I need another.
Sarah, the 16yo, would really like a Nikon D-50. It's about $600, but is an SLR, so you could change lenses and stuff. Not quite sure when that will happen for her.
{{{Cori}}} I can so relate to how you are feeling! DH and I have had many heart-to-hearts about this issue. After being on my own and working and having my own $ for so long it was difficult becoming a SAHM. I couldn't bring myself to spend "his" money unless for necessary items for the kids and/or the house. I felt lost and frustrated.  DH assured me it's "OUR" $ and although I may not be gainfully employed my "work" is vitally essential to our family. He solved the $ issue by giving me an allowance to spend as I choose, no questions asked. It's not a lot, but enough for me not to feel quilty if I buy something for ME or that isn't a necessity. That's how we've gotten around it. If DH gets a raise, I do too!
I LOLed when I read about your beach vs. cottage vacations. Are our DHs related?! The kids and I LOVE, LOVE the beach! We took a beach vacation 4 yrs. ago. DS, DD and I had a blast but DH was miserable. We have rented cottages on lakes every summer since then. I can't complain, because it's a good compromise, but I sure do miss the beach. I'm going to try to plan 2-3 day beach trip with just the kids and I this summer.
Heaven, email me about the camera thing. You'll see my addy in my profile.
As for the "our" money thing, I am at the same place as you. It is very difficult to rely 100% on DH for ALL money spendings in your life. I hate it most when it comes time to purchase him a gift.
I did tupperware and Avon. I did make money, however I spent more LOL. Also, I was single at the time. It is time consuming, and you need to be very organized to keep it running smoothly. Having a baby is not the ideal time to start this if you treasure those moments you spend together. Keep that in mind.
I've been banging my head lately trying to find a way to even just make $200 month but can't find something that won't take me away from the baby. I'm having a hard enough time just getting the bathroom painted, much less do something that others rely on me for. I even quit visiting MV due to time constraints. So I just remind myself of this and know my time will be more open AFTER he starts school in 5 years.
I can empathize, sweetie. It's hard to justify the purchase and not have buyer's remorse.
Scott and I have a certain budget (it's even on an excel spreadsheet) and it helped to see where our money was going. I was spending too much money on gifts and he was spending too much money on beer. So, we tightened our budget a little and saved up for our own special purchases.
Have you thought about going into photography and being a freelance photographer? Could you use the camera purchase as a tax deduction? Not sure how Canada works, but you can do what you love and make the money work! Maybe you can do kids' photos at your home or at a nearby place where you can bring both kids?
Just trying to help think of some ideas.
I do Southern Living at Home and love it. I do about 1 party a week and I earn about $100-$150 dollars a night. When I did tutoring, I was bringing in $35 an hour. Can you tutor? Again, just trying to think of ideas.
And, I know what you mean about guys purchasing things and having a different mindset about money. Scott and I have learned to give each other an allowance ($50 every 2 weeks) and just budget "fun" money for ourselves.
Hope this helps?
I can relate in some ways. In some ways I can't. LOL When I was working outside the home I never really made much money and would never have bought a camera that expensive.
I have stayed home so long I am way over the gift buying part of it that Dana was mentioning. LOL If I want to buy dh something I go buy it. He doesnt make little comments anymore. If one of us asks for something expensive for Xmas like a PC for example then we pick it out together and if its for dh when it arrives I wrap it for him and put it under the tree... Even tho he knows what it is. He does the same with my stuff- actually sometimes I wrap my own stuff!!! ROFL
You have very young children at home, your plate is full enough imo !!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy the babies now they will grow up too fast. If you cant get the camera you want buy a less expensive one for now, borrow a friends cam or hire a photographer. You will have plenty of years ahead to make money. Right now your contribution too your family is priceless.
My youngest is now almost 6yo and I am just now thinking about making money again outside the home *after* he starts school *full time*.
You know you are all right. Especially Conni, but I don't like being dependant on anyone. Three weeks ago my neighbour across the street, her husband left for for her best friend after 2 children and 15 years of marriage. She only has a part-time job working with disabled kids (not great pay to begin with) and now has to find full time work. Even though she's getting the house she might not be able to afford.
My other neighhour next door had her man escorted out of her house yesterday (although she's a nut bar) by 3 police officers.
We have a solid marriage, with minor issues like most people, but I see all this stuff going on around me and I think, the longer I stay at home and the older I get (I'll be 40 next year) the less employable I become. I don't know why I'm feeling insecure maybe it's just lack of sleep but I really think that it is important to take care of yourself and not rely too much on someone else.
I've talked to DH about it, he understands how I feel and reassures me, he said today, "Even if we did split up your still the Mother of my children". So that's nice, but I will eventually persue something for myself. We are moving to another city and I'm going to look into the hair dressing school, this is something I can do part-time in a salon, from home or I could even go people's homes who can't get out. I'll wait another year though. Conni you are so right about enjoying my babies. Cameron is such a sweet baby he makes me want to have another, but that's it we are done. So I will savour our time together. They are precious. I can't believe Matthew is 2 years old today.
Heaven - I completely agree with your statement "I really think that it is important to take care of yourself and not rely too much on someone else." My thoughts exactly! That's why staying home was the BIGGEST, HARDEST decision of my whole life. It truly was. My DH was so supportive and he helped me to find my way through all of that and make the best decision for our dd, me, and our family. BUT it does come with it's issues, such as you're speaking of.
There's a certain amount of trust there, don't you agree? I have my own nest egg that doesn't get touched, so when there are crazy thoughts (like your neighbors!) I know I can rely on that. One of the hardest decisions about staying home was the fact that I would not be able to supprt myself anymore and would rely on someone else, even if it IS the wonderful love of my life, it's still relying on someone else.
After 2 years at home, I've finally gotten comfortable with it in the second year. Plus, as I mentioned before, I make a very nice supplemental income which makes me more comfortable. If there was absolutely nothing I could do to make money though as a SAHM, I completely agree with Conni. I would happily go without because I love, love, love being home with my girl. Having said that and without wishing my life away, I'm looking forward to going back to teaching in 3 years when my little dear starts Kindergarten.
Heidi - You're not the only ones with the spreadsheet! LOL We're like that, too. It's such a big help in the budgeting department.
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