Dh is *finally* going in for the Big V soon (although at my age, I wonder why we're even bothering), and I just wonder what to tell the girls (16 and 10.5). I don't want to announce it, or go into detail, but he's going to have some recovery time, right? I've heard that guys need to sit around with ice on their..ahem.. for at least a day or so...so how do we explain why Type A Daddy is hanging around the house in his boxers, with ice?

By Vicki on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 11:56 am:

Could always tell a little fib and just say he pulled a muscle or something. Have him stay covered with a blanket and I don't know that they would pay much attention would they??

By Boxzgrl on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 12:00 pm:

Have him lounge in bed and tell them he's sick. I don't know that it's something they *need* to know but if you really want to tell them, just do it. The 3 guys i've known who had it done we only in bed for the remainder of the day after the procedure. They were a bit sore but mostly fine the next day.

By Yjja123 on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 12:12 pm:

My hubby really had no need for the ice or recovery. He came home and relaxed for the day. The next day he went to work. He said it was not a big deal at all. The kids know he had it. It came up when my son wanted to know if we would be having more children.
I would just say he is having it done. If they have questions, they will ask. There is no shame in it. I wouldn't hide the fact.

By Heaventree on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 12:23 pm:

Why not just tell them the truth, I think they are old enough. Don't insult their intelligence by lying about or hiding it. It's a part of life. JMHO

By Sunny on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 12:48 pm:

I don't see anything wrong with telling them the truth, either. You don't have to go into detail. I'm sure saying that Daddy is having an operation so we don't have anymore kids would be enough. Besides, I'm sure the 16 yr old would be able to figure it out anyway. Why not just be upfront about it?

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 01:00 pm:

My guess is daddy wouldn't be too thrilled about the girls knowing the details. Just say daddy had some minor surgery and needs to take it easy for a day or two, and let it go at that. It's sort of TMI - kids that age don't like to think of their parents having a sex life, anyhow.

By Jackie on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 01:06 pm:

I agree, I think its good to be honest and all that jazz. But like Ginny said, kids dont like to think their parents have a sex life LOL.. Even at my ripe old age of 41, I dont like to think my parents do it either haha.
My husband had it done about 1 1/2 yrs ago. I dont remember telling the older kids any details. I dont think my oldest asked, hes kind of shy that way. He saw his dad sitting on the chair with some ice and a blanket. My daughter was the curious one, she was 5 at the time. We just said that her dad had a booboo on his privite area that the dr had to fix. Yes, a lie, but that stopped anymore questions from coming.

By Crystal915 on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 01:26 pm:

Honestly, I would tell the the truth... they are old enough to know, and a simple truthful answer should suffice. They'd figure it out anyway.

By Yjja123 on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 01:30 pm:

I guess I go against the grain on this one. We discuss sex in our family the way we discuss the weather. The kids know we have sex. They know it is important in a healthy (MARRIED) relationship. I grew up in a family that everything was hush- hush. I wanted my kids to be comfortable knowing about and discussing sex, and other "off topic" subjects. They are comfortable about talking about it and it has given us many discussions on our values (waiting until married) and repercussions (pregnancy, std's, etc). They are not at all uncomfortable knowing their dad had a vasectomy or that we have sex.

By Reds9298 on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 01:58 pm:

I would just tell them the truth, they're definitely old enough IMO. If they're interested you can go into more detail, if not, they know the basic truth and that's that.

By Truestori on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 02:00 pm:

Thats between you and your husband. They are old enough to know about it but it can be embarassing when its your parent. I wouldn't lie if they asked. My husband had swelling only because he worked the next morning.

By Jackie on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 02:11 pm:

Well My almost 12 yr old son knows about sex, knows how his 2 little sisters came to be LOL...He has always been on the shy side when it comes to this. So we do not talk about sex freely with him.If he had questions for us, we would answer honestly. We are not hush hush about it, but we do not initiate sex talks in front of the kids. My 6 yr old daughter has no clue about sex, mainly because she has never asked or expressed any interest in any of that stuff.We do not plan on lying to the kids about sex, but will answer all question openly and honestly. When my husband had his Vasectomy last yr and my daughter was 5, we did not feel the need to explain "SEX" to her and why her father was having this procedure at this time.When I explain sex to her, it will be when I feel she is ready, and not because her father was having a vasectomy.
Im for all honesty with the kids, but when I fell they are mature enough to understand it. My 6 yr old daughter is a big goof ball, her only concern right now is when she can play with her best friend, and how many barbies she has LOL

By Dawnk777 on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 02:26 pm:

I would just tell them dad is having surgery so that we don't have anymore babies. the 16yo is going to figure out the TMI herself anyway!

By Janet on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 02:54 pm:

Obviously, our 16 yr old knows we have sex, but I'm assuming she doesn't want to know about it (I know I didn't!). I'm going to take their cue and just give them a simple explanation if they ask. My ex (16 yr old's father) had one last year, and he told all of us! I thought that was really strange, since he lives in another state, dd didn't have to know about it, and why would dh and I need to know? I just wanted to keep it quiet. Not out of shame, but because of privacy. Thanks for all the input!

By Karen~moderator on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 03:00 pm:

Ditto Yvonne, 100%

By Babysitbarb on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 03:03 pm:

We told our daughters when my husband had one 3 years ago. They would have been 14 and 10 and old enough to understand. We didn't go into detail until they asked, we just siad he's having surgery so we don't have any more babies and of course they wnated me to have more so they weren't to thrilled about it. When they questioned more I handed them the booklet the doctor gave us and that was the end of the questions. I think the pictures said it all.

By Vicki on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 03:04 pm:

Janet, I see you point believe me. I have a dd that is 11 and I wouldn't tell her just yet either. Perhaps the 16 year old, but not an 11 year old. I would go with the fib myself. LOL And it isn't that we don't talk about things, but I just wouldn't want to cross that bridge just yet.

By Tayjar on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 03:05 pm:

My DH had it done 2 years ago. My kids were 5 and 7 at the time. I told them the truth but in a way they could understand. Daddy had an operation because we are happy with just 2 babies and don't want anymore. They both just looked at us and said, That's OK.

I agree with Yvonne. Upfront and honest is the only way to be with sex.

By Insaneusmcwife on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 03:22 pm:

Type A? I don't know what that is. I wouldn't say anything to them unless they ask. Then I would just say that daddy isn't feeling well and or has a little pain down there and needs to ice it. As long as he is covered with a blanket they probably wouldn't notice anyway.

By Cocoabutter on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 10:30 pm:

Have them go to grandma's house for a couple of nights?

By Annie2 on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 11:40 pm:

Tell them the truth, with age appropriate details; of course.
I see this as a no-brainer considering the age of your kids. Be honest.

We had our puppy neutered a month ago. We were upfront with why this was done; each child got a different version, depending on age.

I'm surprised that many moms here would hide this fact from their kids... "send them to grandmas house/ dad had minor surgery" ....dd is 16...she knows mom and dad have sex.

By Kaye on Saturday, March 25, 2006 - 12:39 am:

My aunt got pg when my cousin was 16, she was really mortified to find out her parents "STILL" had sex..LOL. I don't think I would tell them anything. I wouldn't lie, but I might say dad had a doc appointment and he is sore from it, if asked.

In my opinion your birth control is private business. As open as you want to be about sex, the experts all recommend never discussing your personal sex life with your children, talking birth control to me fits that description.

By Janet on Saturday, March 25, 2006 - 10:51 pm:

OK, I'm not advocating lying, I just wanted a quick and easy way to answer it without going into a lot of detail. I like the "Dad's had surgery so we don't have more kids" approach. And I know the younger dd will be unhappy about that...and will probably tell all of her school pals about it! Oh well. We go to the dr on Wed. for a consultation...we both have to go. I'm wondering what that will be all about! I imagine a dr. saying, "Are you sure?" and we say, "Yes," and then we pay him a bunch of money for the 5 min. it will take and go home! LOL I think I'm more nervous about this than dh is!

By Pamt on Saturday, March 25, 2006 - 11:20 pm:

Yeah, the first appt, is just to make sure that it is a mutual consent thing. He'll probably also do an exam on your DH. I wouldn't even say the "so we don't have more kids" part. Just tell them that DH had surgery. Then, if pressed for "why" you can tell the reason. That's what we did with our boys when DH had it done. I'm not a fan of lying to kids for any reason.

By Bea on Saturday, March 25, 2006 - 11:22 pm:

I'd give them as much information as they want to know, but only if your husband feels at ease about sharing this with them. It is his operation, and his business, and men aren't always as free about this sort of thing as women are. If he's okay with it, I'd tell them he needs minor surgery. If they ask what kind, I'd say a vasectomy. If they ask what that is, I'd explain. BUT I wouldn't give them all that information unless they asked.

By Dana on Saturday, March 25, 2006 - 11:26 pm:

Janet, regarding your last post: not sure about your state, but there is a waiting period in FL. Either the male or female, depending on who is having it done, needs to sign consent at least 30? days before the surgery. I had to sign one b4 giving birth because I opted for ligation if we ended up w/ C-section. That didn't happen so DH to the V. We went to a consultation and then he signed everything and we waited the amount of time needed before the surgery was done. So be prepared if your state has similar laws.

By Cocoabutter on Sunday, March 26, 2006 - 12:53 am:

I apologize, I wasn't advocating lying, either. I simply didn't see why they would really have to know anything. If you can send them to grandma's house, you won't even have to worry about what to tell them about what happened to Daddy. I'm with Kaye, it's private. It wouldn't benefit them to know. It deals with the most intimate part of your relationship with your dh, and children aren't priveledged in that area.

Puppies are different because children normally learn the ways of nature and animals first before they learn about human sexuality and birth control.

Janet, just do what you feel is best. Maybe this should be discussed with your dh before the surgery. Good luck!

By Janet on Sunday, March 26, 2006 - 06:43 pm:

Thanks for all your help! We'll just play it by ear.

By Imamommyx4 on Sunday, March 26, 2006 - 09:18 pm:

When dh had his v, we really didn't say much. Daddy had some surgery, he's ok. He'll feel better tomorrow. DD didn't ask any more than that. The old ds son (24) asked what was wrong, we told him that 4 young uns was enough. Baby sister was the icing on the cake.

By Breann on Sunday, March 26, 2006 - 09:44 pm:

Personally, I would just tell them the truth. Tell them that you are finished having babies, and that you are going to make it permanent.

I think I would be scared if told that dad is having minor surgery and that was it. That could be anything, and it would worry me sick. Especially at their ages. If they were little, it would be different,

By Imamommyx4 on Tuesday, March 28, 2006 - 11:13 pm:

Funny story--when the boys were little, I walked in on the 2 oldest arguing. The oldest ds was 11 and the other was 9. The 9 yo was crying. I asked what the argument was about and it was about why there weren't any more babies around our house. The oldest said it was b/c I'd had my tubes tied. The younger said it was b/c mom wouldn't do THAT. Cracking up inside I politely told them that I had not had my tubes tied and it was none of their business when and if I did THAT with their daddy. But in most happy marriages mommies and daddies do generally do THAT. Case closed.

As I walked away, the older said very quietly, "well then daddy must have had his tubes tied." He was always the knowledgeable one of the boys since he was oldest.

It was 15 years from 3rd son to dd.

By Janet on Wednesday, March 29, 2006 - 10:59 am:

LOL That is funny. We have our consultation today, and last night dh asked if I thought we were being stupid (because of my age and the fact that we'd tried for years with no results). I said maybe, but at 44, if I did get pg, the chances of birth defects and health problems increase, and the fact that my OB/GYN gave me a pg test a couple of weeks ago because of irregular periods (gave me a scare!) makes me think we ought to go ahead. We really, really don't want to risk it now, and frankly, I'm sick to death of condoms. Anyway, here we go.

By Imamommyx4 on Wednesday, March 29, 2006 - 05:22 pm:

We're both 44 and dh had his done in the fall. I don't think it is a bad idea at all.
Good luck with everything

By Janet on Wednesday, March 29, 2006 - 06:57 pm:

Well, we're back. I was a little disappointed in the "interview," as I thought there would be more discussion as to our thoughts on the whole thing. Basically, we had to watch a video (bad acting!) and then the dr went through the procedure, examined dh (in front of me...embarassing), then we signed a form and set a date. A week from Friday. The first thing that little dd asked when we got home was, "Why did you go to the dr?" So I told her. She looked puzzled, then said, "Oh." That was it.

By Karen~moderator on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 11:25 am:

Janet, I'm a bit surprised the doctor did not ask you to leave the room when he examined your DH! When I went with my X before he had it done, the doctor had me leave the room. And when I went with DH last year when he had a prostate cancer scare, I was also asked to leave the room. NOT something I wanted to be in there for anyway! LOL

That aside, your visit sounds pretty much like the one we had when my X had it done.

How old is your youngest DD? When my X had his, Jeff and Jen were toddler/preschool age, so obviously we did not tell them anything. But Jules and Jason were young teens and were aware of what was going on.

My X had his done on a Friday and spent the weekend with an ice pack and/or bag of frozen peas on his privates......returned to work on Monday. Never went back to test his sperm, but considering the number of women he's been with both when we were married and since, it obviously was a successful procedure because he hasn't reproduced again. LOL

By Bobbie~moderatr on Friday, March 31, 2006 - 12:22 am:

Janet I am glad you decided to be honest.

Honesty (age appropriate honesty) is ALWAYS the best policy. Irregardless of how uncomfortable it might make you.

I am a bit shocked that in this day and age that this topic would carry such a taboo with it. Lying implies shame. There is no shame in being a responsible adult and parent.

People are empowered through shared experiences.. And this is an experience...