Dh and Cheating!
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Dh and Cheating!
I keep having the feeling that he is cheating. He went out last Saturday 9:30pm to play hockey from 10pm-12am. He told me he would be home after well he got home at 8:30am the next morning. He told me he went to his buddies house that he played hockey with and had a few beers and didn't feel well so he fell asleep.
Then Tuesday he got home from Cub Scouts and went to the gym for some reason I reset the mile count on the van before he pulled out of the drive (he didn't know) to the gym and home is 10-12 miles on the high side he used 27. I asked him he said he went to him buddies in another city then went to the gym.
He cheated on me 1x 9 yrs ago (prekids)and we got over it and I in the last 3 yrs finally stopped questioning things. Not I don't know I cannot get it out of my head.
I asked him about it and he told me I was crazy that he has grown up and he is telling me the truth. That he doesn't want to lose me and the kids but I cannot get it out of my head. I have literally made myself sick over it. Please help what can I do?
I usually feel it is best to trust your gut. How did you find out about it last time he cheated?
There is definatley something going on.Why wouldnt he call you and tell you hes not coming home.Didnt he think youd be worried all night.Respectful husbands just dont do that.Go with youre instincts what youve been dreading is probably right.It just seems like he wants the best of both worlds.I'm sorry I could be way off but I dont think so.(((((HuGS))))
Trust your instincts. Is there anyway you could have a girlfriend watch the kids the next time he plays hockey? I would just do a little checking if I was in your situation.
HUGS
Go with your gut, darlin'. I hate to tell you, but your gut is usually right, and if you are worried he's cheating there is already a problem. I would do a little checking/snooping/spying whatever you want to call it, for your own safety. ((((((((((ANON))))))))))))
I found out last time by doing what Crystal said and it worked. I checked pockets and phone bills and followed him sometimes if I had too. Thanks ladies I am going to sit him down tonight and he is going to get an earful and I am going to get to the bottom of this one way or the other.
Honestly, I wouldn't even do that. You have already asked him about it and he gave you his responses. I would just start the checking/snooping/spying now. Good Luck and I hope our suspicions are wrong!!
Anon, imo you should keep quiet for now... Sit back, keep your eyes and ears open and check things out first!!!
JMO
I have to agree with everyone else He is not going to just tell you yes now, Hes already lied to you.Why dont you tell him you have a md appt. cause something might be wrong down there maybe an infection and tell him the md did some tests and they will be back next week.If he is doing something he shouldnt be that puts you at risk for STD.He might start thinking about it and tell you.I'm not sure if it will help but having that on his mind while youre snooping might work Why not make him worry some, while youve been worrying all along
I agree that you should wait to confront him. IF he is up to something, he'll just be more careful to cover his tracks. Take it from someone who has BTDT, do your research FIRST!
I don't have any advice but do want to say I'm sorry you are going through this. Big hugs to you. I would say, trust your instincts.
"IF he is up to something, he'll just be more careful to cover his tracks."
I agree with Crystal! Check first!
Praying for you!
You mentioned Cub Scouts in your post. You are not the same anon who posted about flowers/gifts for Valentine's Day, are you?
No I am not unfortunately I am someone different who is having problems in their marriage.
I decided to wait and watch and just pay attention. Thank you ladies for letting me sound off about my issues. I hope I am wrong but I need to know for sure and have my ducks in a row before I do anything!!
good luck anon. I am sorry you have to go through this.
We're here for you, Anon... I don't know how long you've been around MV, but we're always here if you need an "ear" to vent to or a "shoulder" to cry on! ((((Anon))))
Don't just listen to your gut obey it! Personally I think no respectable human would go out have a few beers and NOT call home, that is a huge red flag
lots of hugs for you, what a sad situation.
Keep us posted
I don't know if this has been mentioned before or not, but have you checked for clues in the van or in his top drawer etc... Also, when my friend's husband was cheating on her and she wasn't sure yet, she had someone watch the kids the next time hubby went out and her & a friend did some undercover work. Unfortunately, it was true. You may want to try to act like nothing is wrong so that he thinks you are not thinking about it, and that is when he'll feel safe enough to do whatever and then have someone lined up on a moments notice & when he goes out, then you & a friend can at least go to the places he says he is going to & if he's not there then you know something is up. Also, leave no stone unturned, because if you say you looked at one place then he could say he decided to go to a different friend's house and then you could say that you looked there too. It's just a suggestion. I've heard that private investigators are expensive. Anyway, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Keep us posted.
It's me disagreeing again. I mean, if he cheated on you 9 years ago and only 3 years ago you stopped questioning things, no wonder every little thing he does will make you suspicious.
I just don't agree with all the advice you are receiving here (sorry ladies no ofence to anyone i hope). This is your husband! What are you going to do? Start spying on him and pretend nothing is wrong? And then what? What will you do when you find out? That'll be it, wouldn't it?
I just think that if he is cheating on you, you finding out will not change anything. If he is cheating on you, wouldn't you want to know why? I mean, like i said this is your husband (not your boss who might want to fire you and hire someone else). Shouldn't you be able to have a bit of communication with him?
If he has said to trust him, why not give him the benefit of the doubt? If you can't do that then something else between the two of you is wrong (not just him cheating), meaning that there is not communication between you two.
I don't think you should be pretending that nothing is wrong (or worse hiring a detective!). I'd say ask him directly, do tell him your fears and if he insists then you should trust him. Could it be that it has been really difficult forgiving him for what he did 9 years ago? If you haven't forgiven him then there is not much that he can do to earn your trust again.
I am sorry, but i just wanted to explore another perspective (is not use for you i think to get another post about checking/snooping/spying on him). I do hope you can sort this out. It must be really stressing trying to find out the truth. I wonder if you could tell just by looking at his eyes.
I wish you good luck darling, it must be hard for you.
Maria, I'm going to disagree here, because cheating isn't something that only affects the marriage. What if he brings home a STD? This is one of those NEED to know things. I agree that 6 years is a long time to forgive someone and start trusting them again, but he made that proverbial bed, so what's done is done. Anon needs to know for her own safety.
I understand Crystal, but it just makes me think about the whole thing and i don't know if anon would be too intimate with him if she wasn't trusting him. I don't know if this is clear but if i suspected my dh was having an affair i wouldn't even want him to touch me. I'd be repulsed.
If anon needs to know then she should ask him, if that is not working then deeper matters are within their marriage IMO and i ultimately would want to solve those.
I briefly explained your situation to my hubby and he felt as though the trust was forfeited the first time he cheated and you should definitely get to the bottom of it asap. I had to laugh because he mentioned to follow him, but he said that married men with children shouldn't act that way. And, he should have called you regardless of how late it was getting so that you wouldn't be sick with worry.
That was just his opinion.
If it were me, I'd tell my husband that, based on past experience, I am suspicious of him now. That if he wants me to trust him he will be where he says he will be when he says he will be there, and he will be home by a reasonable hour no matter what - that the first time he stays out all night he will find his suitcases on the front step. I would tell him he is to get a cell phone and leave it on at all times, and that I will be calling him if he is more than 15 minutes late getting home - and maybe in between, just to have his cell phone ring and him answer it. If he turns it off or doesn't answer it outside of work/office hours, his suitcases will be on the front step.
If he wants you to trust him, he has to re-earn that trust by behaving in a totally trustworth manner - being home on time - not ever, ever, ever being late coming home and certainly not staying out all night - and always being reachable by cell phone at any time outside of office hours. And if he doesn't like it, well, he has to consider that he has twice been unfaithful, and you do not intend to give him another opportunity.
Maria, I totally disagree with you. In this and other threads you have been very sympathetic to married men who find friendship, companionship, or who knows what from other women. That is nice, and kind, and does present another perspective, but I disagree with you. I have absolutely no sympathy for either men or women who are unfaithful. If you are unhappy in your marriage, you either take steps to work it out, or you leave your marriage and get a divorce. You don't have a little bit on the side because you are unhappy at home. As a couple of people pointed out above, with STDs being the problem that they are - herpes, for example, is permanent, and of course, there's always HIV/AIDS, which is also permanent and totally life-changing - no person has the right to take the risk of bringing that home to his/her spouse. And any time a person spends being friendly/nice/intimate with someone outside the marriage is time taken away from the person they have vowed to love, honor and cherish - even if it doesn't involve sex acts, it is infidelity.
It is one thing to forgive a partner for infidelity - if s/he is truly sorry and promises never to do it again - but it is very hard to forgive, especially when it has happened twice. If I were in Anon's shoes, I might be thinking about a detective, or a shotgun (just kidding, ladies, but not by much).
No Ginny, you are mistaken, i have no sympathy for men OR women who find friendship, companionship or who knows what from other women.
If what i have said has been misunderstood then i will try my best to explian. This woman (and the other from the other thread) is not sure if her dh is cheating on her she is only assuming he is without a prove. That's ok, but what i want to know is how did they arrive to this situation.
What i mean is, they had a problem 9 years ago (not last year, but 9 years ago -almost a decade). She only stopped questioning him 3 years ago. I am sorry but that tells me that she hadn't forgiven him completely. And that tells me that as a result they don't have very good communication.
As i said before i don't condone unfaithfulness (from either side) but i think that i any relationship there are underlying issues that we must look at in order to solve a problem.
I don't buy that the only problem here is a man cheating on his wife. There are many, many reasons why a man or a woman might want to cheat and if you don't have a strong relationship anyway that is the only thing that will show up and the root of the problem will remain unsolved.
I have no sympathy for married men cheating on their wives but i believe in truthful relationships where there is communication and respect on both sides, if that is not present then cheating (or other deviances) could only seem natural in a marriage.
In this and the other thread i have been careful enough to read between the lines. I am amazed at the responses actually because they can really influence someone's actions. I mean, we are grown up women who presumably can handle our own relationships.
In this and the other thread neither women were sure that their dhs were cheating and yet we are telling them to hire a private detective and to follow them around and to give them ultimatums.
I am sorry but i really don't agree. These situations call for communication between spouses and nothing else, and as i said before if that is missing anyway it will be useless if they keep threating their dhs that if they don't answer their mobiles at all times their suicases will be in the front step.
What if the spouse is lying or doesn't want to talk? What if communication is only one-sided? You can't just draw your own conclustions.
I agree with most of the others. I also see what you're saying Maria.
I've never been cheated on but my feeling is (and I might be completely wrong) that done 1x will be done 2x if given the opportunity. Or 3x or 4x....you just don't know because that trust is GONE. I think if I knew my DH had cheated on me, I would NEVER trust him again. That's just the way I feel. You can't go back.
Go with your gut, check up on him, and do it quietly as others have said. When you have some answers then you can confront him. Ginny makes a great point that if he expects you trust him, then he can't be doing things like being gone until 8:30 the next morning. That's RIDICULOUS! You have children for COL!
{{Hugs}}} to you...I can't imagine how you're feeling.
I think marriage counselling.I dont know if youre marriage would handle it.Its happened twice.I have to agree with what Ginny says.You are losing youre self respect and once thats gone you lose yourself.You have some deep searching to do.Hes not even communicating with you.I'm sorry that youre living like this now.(((((HUGS))))
Maria, I understand why you say to get to the bottom line as to what's going on. But in this case, the symptom needs to taken care of before they get to the cure.
You can't just rely on his answer and say, "Oh, ok, you were at a friend's house." Guys shouldn't just stay over at someone's house and not call you. I would be livid if he stayed at someone's house PERIOD.
This is just me, but I'd be calling that friend's house about something else and then nonchalantly mention "Oh, wow, my husband must have gotten really sick at your house to stay the night!" And, I would see how they react.
I would trust yourself. You are the only person who can protect yourself and your health. My neighbor got herpes from her cheating husband...he had 4 different "girlfriend" in 4 different states. 
I told my DH, before we got married, and I *still* repeat this to him...if he ever feels the need for sex with another, just tell me. I'm good at packing his bags. 
I tell my husband that I would make Lorana Bobbet look good. If he cheated he wouldn't find it to put it back on.
In all seriousness, Anon if you cannot trust your husband to tell you the truth and to communicate with you I think you need to seek counseling. If he will not go, maybe you should go by yourself. IF he is cheating you deserve better!!!!!
((((((hugs))))))
Who's to say he only cheated on her once, 9 years ago....maybe he has cheated on her since but hasn't been caught.
Sorry, anon.
It is me the original Anon! It didn't take me 6 yrs to get over it or forgive him I should say it it just that I know in the last 3-4 yrs it is not something that I would just think aobut on a whim. Before it is something that was always on my mind when he left. I did forgive him and start trusting him a few yrs it took but I did.
I did sit down yesterday and write him a very long letter telling him how I was feeling and what my suspions (sp?) were and that if it were happening again I would pack his bags quite quickly and he would be gone that I would not let it happen to me again and forgive. I left the letter on the counter last night before I went to the gym. I told him to read it and we would talk if he wanted when I got home. I knew the kids would be in bed by then.
When I got home the kids were in bed and he was sitting on the couch crying. He told me that he has not cheated on me again (since 9yrs ago) and he swore on our kids lives. By that I know he means it because our kids are his life. We decided to go to counseling together and apart because we both need it. We are both depressed and need to talk to someone and each other to get some things out.
He told me he understands why I was questioning things and he knows why it popped back into my head. He promised me he would not ever do what he did a few weeks ago again and that he wouldn't do things to make me quesiton him and if I ever wanted to say anything to him about just say it he would rather have it out in the open than for me to keep it bottled up and be hurting like I have been. I do believe him and am calling today to make appointment with a counselor.
Thank you ladies I appreciate everything you have said and just know if it weren't for you ladies sometimes I would be lost.
Well - a good result. So glad you had the courage to write the letter to confront your husband, and so very glad you have decided to go into counseling. If depression is also a factor (though it could be a symptom or result), well, depression makes everything worse. I think of it as a downward slippery spiral, and it is terrible (BTDT in spades, both with myself and family members). The joint and separate counseling sounds like a very good idea.
I'm very pleased that things are going in the right direction. Hugs and congratulations to both of you for wanting to work it out and taking steps to do so.
I am sorry you are going through this annonymous. {{{HUGS}}} You really need to trust your instincts. It just isn't right for a married man to stay out all night and not call. I would be furious if my dh did this. It sounds like there is something going on.
Also, I strongly agree with Ginny. If your dh has cheated before, then it is up to him to do everything in his power to prove himself. Cheating breaks trust and has to be earned back.
I am sorry Maria, but I strongly disagree about there having to be problems in the marriage for a person to cheat. There doesn't have to be any problems in a realationship for a person to cheat. Yes, sometimes this is the reason. However, sometimes it is an issue within the cheater, not something wrong with their marriage, or the person being cheated on. I dated and almost married a cheater. It didn't matter how our relationship was, or how well we were communicating. He was a cheater and always will be. I was lucky that I found out before we got married. I do think someone who has cheated can change and make their relationship work. However, there are some people that will always cheat. It doesn't matter how good the realtionship is or how wonderful their spouse is.
Anon, I hope for your sake you are wrong. However, I think you need to trust your gut and get to the bottom of it. I am sorry, but I don't know many people that will just come clean just because you ask them. It sounds like you might have to do some digging around to find out the truth.
Debbie, i agree with you that in some instances a cheater will always cheat even if the marriage is going well. I should know as my father was a cheater even in the first year of marriage with my mum. It took 18 years for them to understand they weren't made for each other but unlike you, my mum took him back knowingly many many times, so i don't put all the blame on him because even though she knew he'd always cheat she still took him back (that's something i have never understood!). And now after 24 years of my father leaving, he still with the same woman he left my mother for (charming, isn't it?).
However, in this case, we are not talking about a serial cheater as anon has just posted above your reply, her dh insists that he is not cheating and that they will (thank God) go to counselling together.
To me, that is much more important than finding out that the other half is unfaithful. If it's a strong relationship and there is a willingness to communicate then there might be a way to make it better.
Anon, i am so glad you and your dh talked and agreed to go to counseling. That is such an achivement for the two of you. Congratulations on keeping the communiction lines open with your dh even after all the doubts you were having.
I am sorry if i came across as harsh, but as i said before every relationship is different and we cannot treat all men like cheaters just because they have done it before. I am also sorry for implying that you hadn't forgiven him completely. Only you know what has happened between you and him and i feel it's not my place to judge. Hopefully, though i was able to give another perspective on this problem.
Many hugs and blessings.
Anon, I was posting at the same time that you were, so didn't see your post until I replied. I am glad that you and your dh talked. I am sure things will work out since you both seem to really want them to.
YEAH- You must feel better there youre DH and you are on the same page.Good for you and take 1 day at a time.((((HUGS))))
I disagree with once a cheater always a cheater as well, I wish you all the best, and hope you guys work things out.
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