Are you upfront and honest with your spouse regarding the opposite sex?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive March 2006:
Are you upfront and honest with your spouse regarding the opposite sex?
This, maybe should go on the debate board, I'm not sure.
After reading a post I am curious.
A long time ago I was listening to a counselor speaking of relationships between opposite sexes other than your spouse. He stated you should never be alone with the opposite sex because of the effects it will have on your spouse. Now he was speaking of traveling alone 1 man, 1 woman on business trips (by car, airplane, train, etc) or business dinners or lunches, etc.
I will make a point that I never told anyone except my mom. When dh and I were pregnant with our first daughter. My boss came into my office one day and said I heard there's a rumor around town (the town where the office was located) that that is my child (he lied, there's was never a rumor only in his mind). Stunned, red-faced and horrified I did not know what to say. He would make mention of that several times during this pregnancy. I hated it and him. How could he say such a thing about our child, our first child!!! I never told dh in fear he would go into the office and beat the crap out of him. I wish I would have and only told dh recently what my exboss said. I never cheated or had any type of affairs. This was a mind game my boss would often play with female employees.
You get the point.
This stuck with me. And I never intentionally did any of those. In accounting there are alot of those situations that come up, sounds stupid but men will initiate alot of these I noticed.
I am always upfront and honest with dh. I do not flirt with men. I am helpful but do not cross the line. If a man flirts with me I am very uncomfortable (I don't want to feel I'm leading a man on in anyway).
Dh is one of those super nice people will help anyone. So I've always asked him to be upfront and honest (even if it slips his mind). Since I have men trust issues he does bend over backwards to not break my trust. It is not his trust I have had an issue with but other men and how they've lead to mistrust (whole other issue).
I can say our trust has grown stronger as we get older.
Do you tell your spouse everything that happens regarding the opposite sex and vice versa?
Well honestly, I dont come into contact with many men LOL.. I mean sure if I go to the store and they are behind the counter as the cashier. I do not flirt, and nobody ever flirts with me. I just dont have the look that somebody would want to flirt with. So I guess I never think of stuff like that. I dont have any male friends, not because I cant, just because I have female friends, and happy with those. My dentist is a male, but I dont think that counts. Sometimes when Im visiting with my friends at their houses, their husbands chit chat with me, but I dont run home and tell my husband that my friends husband talked to me. Maybe Im just missing the point of the question.
Yes, I do think some people could step over the line with the oppositie sex. In my own life, I do not have a problem with this.
I think the only male I carry on any type of lenghthy conversation with is when I go to the adoption shows with my foster dog. All the foster people sit around with their foster dogs and we all talk. There are men there, and I suppose I have long conversations with some of the men, regarding dogs, etc..I do mention to my husband some of my conversations during the adoption shows, not to check in with him about who I was talking too. Normally I mention a conversation to my husband if it was something intereting and I tell him who I was talking about.
So yes I can see this could be an issue in some relationships, but not a problem over here.
I think it depends if youre spouse or yourself has low self-esteem. My husband has travelled with female co-workers and I didnt blink an eye. If he didnt talk about the trip or acknowledge anything I might feel suspicius Hes always home on time hes very open and I really trust him.I've told him I trust him 99% the 1% is to keep me on my toes.We have a very good give/take marriage and we both really love eachother I think only certain personalities can deal with the opposite sex friendship its not for everyone.
Example Jackie,
Dh commutes with a 63 yo male teacher. A female teacher 24 told dh any time he gets tired of riding with 63 yo they could commute.
I thought this strange and asked why don't they all commute together and he had asked her the same thing and she said she'd prefer not to commute with the 63 yo male.
I used to receive gifts of gratitude from tax clients (go figure for tax returns no less). The last gift was from a male client and it just didn't feel right. So I placed a sign on my door that stated "No gifts of gratitude are necessary, just a smile and thank you will do."
Sometimes, I think people get their lines cross and see something you do or say as not being helpful, but being flirtatious. kwim?
Yes and no...LOL. I do tell him everything about what I do, whether it is the opposite sex or not. I do avoid one on one contact, lunches etc. But honestly I don't have much of an opportunity. There is 1 friend I make an exception for, but I haven't had a lunch with him in years. He is a dear dear dear old friend, we know each others spouses, we "dated" for three years in jr high/high school and never kissed, we have always just been great friends. My hubby is no way intimated by him and I would NEVER cross that boundry with him, I have known him for too long and know too much..LOL. However I do not ever tell hubby when i dream about another man. I don't do it often, but had one pretty graphic dream lately and I just don't think he would appreciate it. This isn't a guy that I would really have an opportunity to hang out with, if I didn't force the issue, but I will be sure to make sure that doesn't happen.
My hubby isn't as honest with me. He works with several women and in a business relationship they do go out to lunch often. I HATE it. I know women and I know him, he gets close to people fast and is very trusting. But he can't really avoid these situations. For example at his last place of business he was the mentor of a co-op. She was 21 and stunning, and they shared an office. Hello?? That didn't seem okay in my world. They wear coveralls when they go out into the plant and then "strip" down to their regular office clothes in the office. I explained to him, that although this is probably very very innocent that I hoped he realized that if she ever wanted to it would be his word against hers and he should CYA. Never change in there with her, always have the door open etc, things like that honestly never crossed his mind.
My hubby is one of those teddy bear guys, not a lot to look at, but super hugable. He attracts women like flies, I think because he seems so safe. He has had several women say, oh you are just like my brother. And a couple that have bought things for him, like it wasn't a big deal. The first thing I saw I immediately got my hackles up and he didn't love that. So now he isn't as upfront with stuff, but he is more aware and tells me when something is uncomfortable for him. I do realize a lot of it is to protect me. There is a fine line, I don't need to hear everytime he has lunch with women, but do need to hear every time he travels with one. And company policy is they share a rental car. So they spend a lot of time together. One woman actually said she didn't like staying in hotels and wanted adjoining rooms, so she would feel safer...GEESH. At least he declined that!
I have definately seen this happen in the work place. Men and women. I have to be honest though at least in most of my expierences it has been the women acting shameful. I have no problem with my dh going out to lunch with his female co workers. None of them have ever been appropriate. I believe my dh would either tell me, which he has or handle it himself. He has worked with most of these women for years and they all know me to. But I did go out to lunch with male co workers when I worked at another place. I admit I felt strange only because I thought what would people think who new me and dh if they saw us. But in reality. I was fat, and pregnant, he was young, good looking and was engaged. I had no delusions and neither did he LOL! It was just to people who worked in the same office and had no one else to go to lunch with.
I actually worked at a group home and at one time we had mostly men. I can't tell you the places, bank, grocery store, blockbuster ect... that I have been seen with different men. I actually told the blockbuster girl once. Just so you know if you see me in here with different guys I am working.LOL! Talk about feeling stupid. I think my insecurities about this were in my head. I think most people could tell I was not "with" any of these guys. Anyway I trust dh 100% and know that he would tell me if I needed to know. On the subject of the female teacher I wouldn't trust her at all and it sounds like your dh already knows that.
DH works closely with several women and is definitely friends with a couple of them. He does mention casually if something is going on with any of them but he doesn't account for every conversation. A couple of them are married, a couple are single and one of them has made it known that if he and I weren't married...
Luckily, I don't have many trust issues with my dh and we don't stress about these kinds of things. He let me go to England and Scotland, knowing I'd be hanging out in pubs and exposed to more men than I've seen in quite a while! LOL I don't get out much here at home. It really wasn't an issue for either us. I guess I'd have a little concern if he was traveling often with the same woman or there was a lot of unaccounted for time spent with the woman mentioned above but, in general, I don't report everything and he doesn't either because we just don't think it's necessary. I'm sure it would be different if we had more of a troubled past.
Yes, I think we tell each other everything about the opposite sex contacts we have. When I worked, I had a good male friend that I taught with. We had conversations frequently throughout a given week and I always shared those with my DH. He never cared. It wasn't anything more than friendship, we both feel confident in ourselves and in our marriage, so it's not an issue.
My DH has traveled twice with a female co-worker that I know. Neither of them are flirty people, both were married, and I didn't think anything of it. When either of us does/did talk about opposite sex friends, we always ask lots of questions, too. We're very honest with each other. I have one friend (that DH never sees) that I know he thinks she's a hottie. She is!  He also has a friend that he knows I think is a hottie. It's just the way it is. Would either of us go do something on our own with either of these hotties? No way. But general co-worker contact, I just don't see it as a problem. We are both smart enough to know when the opposite sex is getting too friendly, so you avoid those situations when it occurs. I'm not sure either of us have had to deal with this though.
Ditto Tink's last paragraph. DH and I do plenty of things without the other (travel, nights out, etc.) and it's no big deal. I don't even think about it because there's no reason to in our marriage. Complete and total trust here...no worries.
I don't know how I would handle it if I had a boss like that Marg!! Ridiculous behavior, especially from a "professional".
I definetely have male friends...and would be fine if her had female friends. I do not report back conversations we have- mostly because i see no reason and secondly because he would not be all that interested- anymore than he is interested in what me nad my girl friends talk about.
Now- don't get me wrong I do nor go out on the town alone with guy friends but we do have lunch sometimes- I never really think about it- if one of them were ever to make me uncomfortable then that would be the end of that!
My old boss and I were very good friends and had lunch together most days! There were so many people who decided to comment on it- as if we were having an affair. I think it is sad that a man and woman cannot be friends to the public eye and nothing more! If he had been a woman no one would have batted an eye!
OK- I am rambling now! So- basically I don't "report" anything, but I don't hide it either!
Yikes- my typing was horrible on that last one! Sorry!
I flirt with other guys, and DH flirts with other women, when we are all out together. We're honest with each other, and never hide the fact that we are married. We'll joke with our mutual friends of the opposite sex in flirty ways, because that's how all of us are, but there is no secret keeping. If one of our male friends drops by for whatever reason when DH isn't home, or if I need a favor and call one of them, DH knows about it, and the same goes with our female friends. I don't think there is anything wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, as long as there is TRUST. Now, if there is something being hidden, or there was some female he was friends with but wouldn't introduce me to, I'd be upset. JMHO.... I don't expect him to never speak to another woman (he doesn't work with them often since he's in the infantry), and he likewise knows that I'm friends with a lot of the guys from his work. Of course, part of my attitude towards it might be from being surounded by men all the time (again, the infantry thing) and most of the wives I know are the same way about it.
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