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Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive March 2006: How would you handle this?
My son has for the last week and a half been getting into trouble at school because he is spitting on things. The mirrors, the rug, the table, today he kept spitting on his hands and then rubbing it into his hair! I have never seen him spit at home and he only picked this up last week. No one around here ever spits, so he isn't getting it from home. He has been sent to the principles office 3 times and they just talk to me like I am not doing anything about it. I punish him at home, I even spanked him yesterday, which I rarely do. Nothing is working. Really this is just his newest way to act out at school. Out of this whole year I counted 12 days that I didn't get a note sent home in his agenda. Some of the things were really petty like, jumping in mud puddles (so what, he was 4 at the time) and mashing his oreos at lunch, again, so what his is 5 and its he is the one that has to eat it. But sometimes, he just acts out to be acting out. I don't know what to do anymore. There is some history that I won't go into right now, but to give you a little info, the teacher if very cold to him, when I go for different things that the kids have put on, she never speaks to Jack and twice when she has read things that the kids did in class out, she ""forgot"" to read Jacks. Both times. She definately has a problem with him, but he still has to mind her, because she is the teacher.
You & my sister should talk! She has a son that age & he is onry. But he also is very sweet & loving, and a charmer. Someone at her church advised her to read "Bringing Up Boys". I'm not sure who the author is, but she said it did explain a lot of questions she had regarding his behavior. His thing wasn't spitting, it was biting & pushing. She is asked almost every Sunday to take him out of Sun. School, and she said he is disruptive during the service. I know she is handling things better, but I do think there is something there that I just cannot put my hand on that does'nt seem right. She keeps defending him saying he is just a boy and that's how boys act, but when I asked her if there are any other boys in the class that get kicked out, she said no. I'm kind of disappointed in your son's teacher. Instead of withdrawing from him, she should be going out of her way to encourage him. Kids are smart, they know when the teacher isn't happy with them. Do you think maybe that is his way of dealing with the stress of being around someone he knows does'nt like him? That must be stressful for him to be around her all day. Anyway, I've gone on and on yet again - sorry. I hope I've helped a little. Hugs to you!!!!
Not that it makes it right, but they say that kids will act out to get any attention they can, even if it is negative attention. Could he be doing this just to get any kind of attention at all from her??
That is what my mother thinks. That he can't get good attention from her so he getting what he can. I am not putting the blame on her fully. Its all part of life that we run across people that aren't fair and might not treat us right, and he has to learn to deal with it better, but right now he is only 5 and I personally take great offense to the way she is treating him. But off of that for a minute, what type of punishment would you do?
Hopefully the spitting is just a stage and he will grow bored with it (or replace it with something else). His schooling environment seems very negative and punitive and that needs to be changed into something more positive so he can feel some success in his life. We all know getting constant negative feedback does no good and causes people to either withdraw into depression or act out with bad behavior or something else negative. We, as humans, just can't handle it. We need love and support and encouragement.
I don't know what you may have already tried but maybe punishment isn't what you should be focusing on since he's getting negative attention at school. Can you set up a reward process for days that he doesn't spit? Or allow him to earn time on the computer or with video games or tv? My son earned cartoon watching time in kindergarten when his behavior was appropriate. Even something as simple as "There is a cookie waiting for you at home if you don't spit at all today. If you spit, we'll have to save the cookie for a day when you do act like the good boy I know you can be."
I saw a spitter in kindergarten when I was student teaching. He was copying his big brothers. I told him about germs and Aids and this was really going to get him into trouble. The little boy was alittle immature for a five year old... Spitting is really like hitting but lets face it you don't know what germs are in the spit so it is sort of worse. (hate to over react with a five year old.)
If you have the option, I would find a new class for your son. This molds his whole idea and thinking about school, and you want him to see it as a fun thing, not miserable. Its sad but I have watched it many times and once teacher's and a specific kid don't mix, its usually a battle until they are out of the classroom. Its sad, but its a reality alot of the time.
One other thing: If you are a SAHM I would suggest starting to work in the classroom, so you can observe what is really going on. I make it a ritual to help in my sons class every week. The teacher will realize that you really want to help with your son, and maybe you could repair some of how she feels about him.
Thanks for everyones advice. I helped out a lot at his preschool last year and became good friend with his teacher, but this year since he is in a public school, I can't bring the baby with me. (his preschool has a nursery that I could leave the baby in). I wouldn't be much help to bring him into Jacks class. There is only one pre-k teacher at this school, so moving him is not an option. Hopefully things will get better for him.
Is this Pre-K?? If it is, just pull him out, let him stay at home!
Is there alot of change going on in his life right now.My DD acted out for a while and I think we did to many changes at once to her.
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