Marital issue: Is it wrong?
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Marital issue: Is it wrong?
Question 1:
How would you feel if you found out your husband sent a single woman a "pick me up" gift/card for her and some candy for her children at Valentine's Day without telling you? You only found out about it because you confronted him after finding the shipping receipt folded up and put in one of those folding trays in his vehicle.
The "pick me up" gift was sent as she was having troubles with her finance. (this is how he explained it) Your husband never gives you these type of things nor did your kids get any valentine gifts....
Add onto that....
Question 2:
Would it make a difference that he also "occasionaly" emails her or sends messages via cell phone and they talk about things. Like in the past, your marital problems.
Question 3:
Would it also make a difference if this girl won't talk to you unless your dh is around? Or that you asked for your dh to stay away from this gal?
Dh says I should trust him.. He thinks I'm not wanting him to have any friends. I tried to tell him it's her being of the opposite sex and how things could potentially become emotional (emotional affair). (although we have moved quite a distance from her)
I personally feel threatened and hurt.I feel betrayed in a way that he hid this all from me. I've asked him to stop communicating with her in all forms. No explanations to her... just stop. He said he will but he is still upset with me for making him to do this a friend. Right now I'm hurting and have not heard an "I'm sorry for hurting you" or any pick me up gifts to make me feel better.
Am I wrong to feel this way?
OH good grief...Dont second guess yourself for one second on this subject. Your dh has crossed a line and he needs to shape up or ship out. That is exactly how I had to put it to my dh not so long ago. Do not be a doormat. Do NOT accept that he would send HER children things and not his own or you. ARGH!!! He is being a butthead and you can let him read this post. He needs to stop playing games or he is going to lose everything he has. The girl is way out of line too.
I dont mean this too be so harsh- I am in a hurry!!! Have an appt to get too. Sorry!!
Oh, wow, that is similar to how my mother found out about my father's girlfriend - a receipt for some flowers sent to this woman who lived several states away.
I've never been married so my advice may be useless, but this relationship between your husband and this girl seems very inappropriate.
No, you are not wrong to feel this way and he needs to stop this immediately. Ditto Conni.
Oh, this is so wrong. And he is blaming you for not trusting him, when he is showing that he is untrustworthy. You are not, I presume, objecting to male friends, or to married couple friends for the two of you - just a female friend that he buys gifts for, and he doesn't buy you a gift for the same occasion.
1 - buying gifts for another woman when he doesn't buy gifts for his wife or kids is wrong
2 - secret/private conversations with another woman are not good, and to talk to "her" about your marital problems is a real no-no
3 - she doesn't talk to you unless he is around - does she just stand there and ignore you, or what and you asked him to stay away from her because you feel threatened, and he refuses - some more no-no stuff
Trust me - oh yeah, where have I heard that one before, and how many times. If you want to be trusted, you do everything out in the open, no secrets, no secret conversations, no private emails, no hidden gifts - and you stay away from someone when your spouse asks you to. (I'm assuming this is the first time you've made that request - at least, I hope it is the first time you have had occasion to.)
You don't have a friend of the opposite gender whom your spouse considers a threat. And a single woman, parent of children, should not be having private or secret or semi-secret friendships with a married man.
I think you're justified, and I think your husband needs to re-earn your trust. Sorry he doesn't see it that way, but ask him how he would feel if you were having a private friendship with a single man, for whom you bought gifts and with whom you had private, secret conversations and emails. Of course, that's different - but I'll bet he can't come up with a good reason why it's different.
Well,
Please tell your DH (& thats not darling) that it is not appropriate for him to get involved in another sexes marital/fiance affairs! She deserves support from her girlfriends, NOT your husband. Totally inappropriate, and how dare him send her and her children things and not recognize his own children and family! That is just plain selfish and wrong! He can make up excuse after excuse why he conversates with her, but you already made it clear that it makes you uncomfortable....Shouldn't that be enough??? To be real honest, I defintly wouldn't put up with this and its a bummer that he is putting you in this situation. He really wouldn't like me as a wife because I may just find a seperated male to make friends with and send gifts!!  Many ehugs to you!
Ditto Conni!
Ditto everyone else. I do NOT think you are being out of line to find this upsetting or to ask him to cut off any contact with this woman. I have a friend who found her dh doing similar things with a childhood friend out of state and six months after confronting him with the "evidence", she was notified by the woman's husband that their spouses were having an affair, which her dh then confessed to. Even if this is all done innocently (and I would have my doubts), it's too easy for it to slide from friendship to something more intimate. {{{Anon}}}
Ginny,
To address some of what you said...
1. buying gifts - He did buy me some flowers and candy for VD. He didn't do anything for our kids (and never has). In the past he hasn't bought for me because of money issues. He justified buying her kids stuff as they don't have a dad, our kids have a dad that is here all the time for them.
2 - secret/private conversations - He has been friends with her for about 1.5 years from scouts. They started out emailing only to discuss meetings as he was her assistant leader and then progressed to her ds who had similar ADHD problems like our ds. Then we had some problems and he was down and she noticed so they "talked". He said she always supported me. After we moved, I knew they emailed infrequently about our boys as they were good friends. I was told, and I believe him, that they don't email all the time.. once every few weeks. As for phone calls, I have only seen a few on his cell phone.
3 - she doesn't talk to you unless he is around -
I've said hi to her w/o him around and she point blank either ignored me or was very short in saying hi. If he's around, she's a little kinder and will talk more. I've mentioned this many times to him and he says he doesn't see it, but he also says I can be to critical.
I do not think it is anymore than friendship right now, at least for him. I actually think she is interested in my husband as he is very kind and wanting to help others and not to mention, pretty nice looking. I've seen/heard to much negative stuff happen in her life and she involved my husband once which really got me upset.
I totally agree about him re-earning my trust. Like I said, I don't think anything happened. Its hiding things that hurt me and being supportive of someone who's not me (I've been suffering from depression the past few months). Especially when its hiding stuff for someone I do not approve of.
And I keep asking him if the men in our church would approve and he can't answer that.
Thank you to all who responded. I really do appreciate your support.
And I hate to make my dh sound so bad. Like I said, he is a good man. He would give the shirt off his back to you if you needed it. I just want him to know that people can take advantage of situations and I do believe this gal could.
If he is hiding it, there is something to it period. If there wasn't, he would have no reason to hide it. He knows he is doing wrong and that is why he is hiding it.
Remind him that it's YOUR money too. He can't be hiding stuff, much less doing stuff like that. It's *completely* obvious that she likes the attention and vice versa. It's GOT to stop. Doesn't she have enough friends?
Plus, I wouldn't feel right getting flowers from a married man. It's just not right. She must have some major self esteem issues. I would never ever ever confide in a man about my marriage. Tell her to call her dad the next time she has an issue.
Tell your DH to read this...they are BOTH addicted to the attention each other has for each other...your friendship with your DH is more important.
I haven't read all of the responses but I personally feel this behavior is WRONG!! Anything that's a secret in a marriage IMO (unless it's a gift) is going in the wrong direction. She's taking advantage of a willing man who is likely to get himself into trouble if he keeps this up.
Your DH should be excited about the attention he gets from YOU, not someone else!! Ditto Heidi...she needs to find a new man to dump her problems on.
If it upsets you, it's inappropriate. If you've asked him to stop, and he doesn't it's disrespectful. The whole situation sounds completely unacceptable, IMO. If he's hiding it, there is a reason. Honesty is key in a relationship, and respect is of the upmost importance. For example, my DH and I are flirty people, and can flirt with each others' friends in a joking way, but it's always when all of us are present, or whatever. I took a friend of his (ours) home this weekend, alone, because his buddies had gotten him way too drunk, and he wanted to leave. I called DH, told him I was taking D home because he was sick, there was nothing to hide there, even though D is a male... DH knew it was being a good friend. We communicate, and respect each others' wishes, therefore we can trust each other. Any time one partner says they are unhappy with something the other should respect that, because your marriage comes first. ((((Anon)))) I'm sorry your DH doesn't seem to be respecting those boundries. This doesn't make him a bad man, and we are not here to judge you OR him, it just means you have some work to do in your marriage, and I wish you both the best in it.
I'm going to have to go along with the rest of the gals on this. And I'll add a male perspective. My husband said that men have no need for female friends, in the way that you described.
Darling, just for a change i am going to say something different. You say your dhs a good man so therefore is very unlikely that he will want to cheat on you that obviously. You said he bought gifts for the children and i understand in the US VD is also for friendship (not in the UK but in Mexico is both for love and friendship). Anyway, maybe he feels protective of this woman and is trying to help (not that she should take advantage). However, i think that instead of confronting him you could tell him that you want to help her too, maybe by trying to make friends with her if that's possible (try as best as you can, that way she has no excuse of trying to attract him).
I am in no way saying that you should put up with it, but what what i am saying is that you can try to be more careful of what you say about her in front of him If you dh has a high regard for this woman (as a friend) and if you begin to put her down he might just like her more. ALso, maybe you can ask yourself if maybe he finds something in her that he hasn't with you, like friendship.
Somehting similar happened to a very good friend of mine, same situation, he started helping this woman because she was a single mum with many problems, at the beginning he had no other intentions whatsoever (even though she is a very attractive woman). My sister began to be very suspicious about it and began questioning him and visiting him at his workplace and things like that until he got tired of it and had an affair (which didn't last because at the end of day he wasn't interested like that). They are now divorced.
I am not saying that your situation could go this way but just that maybe you want to be careful about what you say and how you react. All i can think about is what you said about your dh:
------And I hate to make my dh sound so bad. Like I said, he is a good man. He would give the shirt off his back to you if you needed it. I just want him to know that people can take advantage of situations and I do believe this gal could.-----
That makes me think that he is genuinely trynig to help this girl. Don't push him in another direction. I suggest to try to talk to this girl and maybe offer your help. Tell your dh that you too want to help her and that way you can control the situation and your dh would probably be relieved about it knowing that his dw is helping this girl too. And do make sure you are around most of the time. Do offer your help directly to her so she knows she doesn't stand a chance.
Also, if you make it like he's doing something really terrible and he doesn't think so, you will only antagonise him making him want to do it more. I'd say find the root of the problem and try to solve it that way.
Good luck darling and i hope i don't offend you i just wanted to give another perspective. He shouldn't of course be doing that, but i think (and that's my opinion) that if he is a good man you should be asking why is he doing it and don't make it worse by confronting him all the time.
I hope all this make sense.
Maria, I don't buy that your friend's husband had an affair because he was tired of her checking up on him. He had an affair - period.
Anon, if you and hubby can't resolve this fairly soon in a way that you can both live with in reasonable comfort, think about getting some joint counseling to help you talk to and listen to each other. Sounds to me like neither of you is really "hearing" what the other is "saying" - that there are a lot of mixed and unspoken messages there. A neutral third-party "interpreter" might be helpful.
I believe also your husband is a good husband and she is playing his 'sympathy card.'
However, I have openly and upfront told my dh if I feel uncomfortable with something he is doing that he should respect my request when it comes to the opposite sex (I have a trust issue with men in general).
He works with a lot of female teachers and he is always open and upfront on his ideas or opinions. We (yes he put our whole families name on the card) got a female teacher a gift bag for her second pregnancy. He gets the cafeteria ladies donuts twice a month, etc.
But I always know about it.
You need to be upfront and honest with dh. You need to tell him how you feel and you are uncomfortable with the situation.
Once again, I think she has 'control' of this situation because of the information she lets him know.
(((Anon)))
He just needs to step back and look at the whole picture. Tell him, how would you feel if I had a gentlemen send me cards and candy to our children?
Always reverse the situation to let them know how you feel and how they would feel.
Ditto Crystal, Ginny, etc. in spades!
Definitely draw a pic for him like Marg suggests. Put the shoe on the other foot so to speak. I dont think he would be real fond of you doing these same things behind his back. Even if you were just friends with a single Dad and wanted to help with his children. It would make you look suspicious if you were hiding things from your dh. And he knows that. He is just trying to make excuses. Dont let him. Stay firm and keep repeating yourself until he pulls his head out and comes back to reality.... Maybe tell him that Mr so and so from church is going to come by and counsel him on the subject. He needs to know you stand by what you say and you arent going to put up with it. Nip it in the bud. I would NOT want to be friends with this lady, she does NOT care about you and your children I can tell you that right now. They are both in a fantasy game right now. It's your job as his wife to guide him back to where he needs to be and that is- putting God and your marraige FIRST, your kids first... He doesnt need to feel sorry for her kids on VD. She is using your dh. Ask him if he is planning to send HIS kids gifts on VD after their Dad gets booted out of the house for playing stupid immature games.
I am telling you- this stuff makes me mad. LOL Sorry if I come across as mean. ;) But please dont put up with this crap. My dh is a super nice guy too- he too would give you the shirt off his back. He LOVES to look good to other people. But men can get sucked into this type of flattery if they arent in the right place emotionally at the time some lousy woman comes along... My dh was depressed about his job (come to find out) and I am pretty sure he was depressed about an illness he had gone thru and a surgery he had and he was somewhat in a midlife crisis too I am pretty sure. He still can be a butt about certain things- however, he knows I am not playing his games again- i just think you need to get that very clearly communicated to your dh. That's all.
Anon #2
This is definitley not right! He is hiding it, which always leads to trouble!! Dr. Phil always says that if you wouldn't do the behavior in front of your spouce, then you shouldn't be doing it! Also, it makes you uncomfortable, so he needs to stop. He is not considering your feelings at all by continuing the behavior. When he brings up trust...I would tell him that it is more about you not being comfortable with it, and him not respecting that.
He is just setting himself up for trouble. He may have very good intentions. However, whenever a married person gets emotionally involved with someone outside the marriage, they are just asking for trouble. It may not be his intention to do anything wrong, but he is putting himself in a terrible postion.
Also, when someone feels guily about something, it is very typical for them to start pointing out why it is the other person's fault. It sounds like your dh is a good man, and he probably has very good intentions. But, he obviosly knows it isn't right, or he wouldn't be hiding it or making you feel bad about not liking it!!!
Ginny, it wasn't my friend's it was my sister. He is a very very good man, he is a very very good father. My sister is a born again Christian who at one time became very fanatical about her religion and i will not go into details because there is no point.
He genuinely wanted to help this woman and my sister kept nagging him (that is the word she uses now, she regrets it all and says she would have done things completely different) about him having an affair way before that happened.
IMO sometimes we portrait men as the cheaters and leavers when we don't know the whole story (and sometimes it is also the woman's fault, it is just that the men actually leave and then we sit down crying wondering why they left us).
We don't know anything about their relationship so how can we judge him and not her (and we shouldn't be judging neither). I also think that when there are problems in a relationship it is almost always both parties' fault.
I don't buy that women are always the victims. We also have to take responsibilities for our own actions. I've heard it too many times that it is always the other one's fault and not mine!
Maria, I also don't buy that women are always the victims. But if someone has an affair, that person has an affair, and blaming it on the spouse on whom they are cheating is just blaming the victim, imo.
I tend to agree, by the man saying he did it because she nagged him to death about it...well, that is just him placing the blame on someone else. That is not taking responsibility for your own actions. To me, it is just a cop out. Him trying to make it the fault of your sister instead of faulting himself.
My husband also works with a bunch of women.If he's ever wanted to do something nice for someone he asks me for my opinion and asks if I can help him. Thats the way it should be.OPEN communication and respect for youre spouses feeling.I think youre husband got to personal and thats wrong.He may have had good intentions but its not fair that youre going to question him and not trust him for awhile.Ask him what is more important her or how you will now look at him.It is going to put a strain on your marriage HUGS
Sorry, but I think there is more to his friendship with this gal than what he is telling you. I agree with Conni. He had better shape up or ship out. Have respect for yourself and don't let him treat you like this.
Your husband is not seeing the big picture here. I believe I remember your posts before. Your dh's intentions may be pure. But I would not by that this women's are. I think she is a big red flag that he needs to steer clear of.
Well, my ex was very similar in that he was always the one to offer the sympathetic ear, listen to the problems, send the little pick-me-up gifts, and was just a great guy. And, eventually, one of the friendships he'd developed with one of these needy women turned into an affair. Not to say this would happen to you, but in reading your post, my mind just screamed, "DANGER! DANGER!" Truthfully, emotional affairs can be just as dangerous as physical ones, and need to be treated as such. Your dh says you need to trust him, but he needs to act in a trustworthy manner, as well. Don't let it become "your problem." It's something you both have to address.
I think the movie Crash reminded us that good people are capable of bad things and bad people are capabale of good things.
I've known enough married men in my life who cheated on their wives to tell you that most of them are good men, respected men, good fathers, good husbands, good providers, well thought of, kind, generous, giving, etc.
Don't be fooled.
I have BTDT. HUGE red flag, JMHO. It is totally inappropriate for him to have private anything with her, whether they were scout-people together or not! Its not his place to get involved in her marital problems, not appropriate for him to give her a "pick-me-up", etc. If this was an innocent thing he would discuss it with you.....like hey, my friend is down, what do you think we could do to cheer her up?
I am not saying your husband is having an affair but I will tell you what happened to me. I had a gut feeling about someone that he worked with, about them having an affair. When we were fixing up our karate school before it opened she would come help, along with a few other people. Whenever I got there with the kids to help she would abruptly leave. She never talked to me either. In the end I found out that they had been having an affair for quite some time.
I do not have any advice and I wish I did. I know how painful this must be for you. It sounds like he is turning the situation on you, like my ex did to me, and making you feel bad for doubting what a good friend he is being to her. Don't let him turn the table on you. The issue is about his actions, not yours. Be strong, and I will be thinking about you.
Actually in my sister's case, is not him that is making excuses (he never has blamed her, as it is, he was a troubled as she was about the whole thing), it is her who realises that there were many other ways to deal with the situation way before it got out of hand.
I guess that is what i am saying. We are not sure if the man is cheating on her, i'd say deal with the root of the situation instead of trying to fix it up by confronting him which can have unintended consequences.
Why does he feel the need to help this woman? Maybe cheating has never crossed his mind (although he'd think about it if the prospect is made interesting enough).
I am going to assume that anon is an intelligent woman who can talk to her dh (not give him an "ultimatum" as has been suggested) and that her husband (being a good man as she herself has said) will understand and that both can arrive to a solution, and if the solution is to help this woman i'd say she should so it, seeing that her dh is so keen she might as well take control of the situation.
I am not saying husbands who cheat should be condoned but the fact that a husband leaves his wife doesn't solve the problem in some instances and not every situation is the same (relationships are indeed complex matters).
I really don't know what to suggest, but definetely not the confronting "it's her or me" thing because if this woman is trying to get into your dh then this will be the ideal situation for her... Again, i'd say try to get close to this woman so that she knows she doesn't stand a chance. Take control of your relationship instead of antagonising him.
And this is what anon said:
-----I personally feel threatened and hurt.I feel betrayed in a way that he hid this all from me. I've asked him to stop communicating with her in all forms. No explanations to her... just stop. He said he will but he is still upset with me for making him to do this a friend. Right now I'm hurting and have not heard an "I'm sorry for hurting you" or any pick me up gifts to make me feel better------.
He has agreed to stop seeing her but is very hurt about it. Why should anon expect any pick-me-up gifts?
Anon, i'm sorry for saying this but if your dh is a good man, why are you doing this to him? you should be a team, trying to help others together, not him on his own. If you had a male friend (a co-worker maybe) who needed help and you were wiiling to help him wouldn't you do it? And if it was with your dh's help wouldn't it be better?
I am sorry but we don't own our husbands. It seems to me that if they want to help someone of the opposite sex then is forbidden. My dh and i are a team if there is someone to help we'll do it together, and especially if it was a woman i wouldn't like my dh playing hero on his own (and then having her to reward him...no thank you!).
I am sorry if i am being a bit harsh i just hope that you and your dh can get through this soon.
Don't make excuses for his behavior, go with your gut, like all the ladies have expressed above. Nice or not he knows how you feel and that should be enough to stop.
thank you everyone.
I have tried to befriend her.. Like I said, it only works partially when he was around. Otherwise she ignored me. I talked to him months ago about us being supportive of her as a couple and not just him. We did that until we moved. I thought things were pretty much over with her being in our lives with the exception of an email from her to him telling him her ds misses ours. Like I said, I was hurt that he would hide that he sent her a gift and knew of her having more personal problems. this because I had thought other than an occasional email about her ds, she was out of our lives.
Dh and I have talked. We are working together on it and he knows that there are to be no secrets. If he wants to help someone, we both do it. He knows I do not approve of her and she is out of his life now.
Thanks again for all your responses.
Sounds to me like you are heading in the right direction. I agree, if he wants to help someone, particularly someone of the opposite gender, it should be a joint effort. Her rude behavior to you should be a clue to him that she only wants a friendship with him, not the two of you. And any time a woman wants to be friends only with him and not with the pair of you, that should be a warning sign to him.
Glad to hear that darling and glad you talked to him before about this and that you were doing it together. It seems that after you moved you kind of lost contact but she managed to stay IN contact so you want to watch that. Could it be that when you moved and you thought she was out of your lives you made it known that you were glad she was out for good when maybe your dh still wanted to keep contact (even if it was long distance)?
And maybe that's why he didn't tell you about the recent contact they have had becaue he knew you'd be upset?
Another thing. You said that she is out of your lives (or his), but is she? Does your dh wants it that way? Could it not be that he agrees with it now but at her insistence (emails, text messages) he gives in again?
Just a few thoughts, i still think you need to watch her closely, know how she is doing, offer a listening ear, etc. that way you stay in control and don't allow for any secrets amongst them. She will keep trying no matter what agreements you have reached with dh.
I congratulate you or talking to your dh and not making it a confrontational issue.
I guess I spoke to soon. We seemed to be communicating but then I got our phone bill and found out he and she had text messaged 19x this month. He told me previously that he only texted her when she texted him. On the bill, he did quite a bit on his own.
I tried to ask him to see how I feel about my trusting him. I asked him if there was anything to it except friendship and he said that was all it was and how he had no friends (except another one mentioned below).
My trust for him in almost non-existant now because I was told it was very infrequent. I asked him to let me see his email account just to let me see if I could trust him and he refused. He said there was nothing to hide there about the girl but he was in a lose/lose situatin as there was another email to another friend (girl again - but one I felt totally comfortable with) talking to her about us not getting along this past week or so. And I might say that he was very vague in reasons why.
So now I sit here hurting while he's in bed. I told him that w/o me seeing the emails, I couldn't possibly trust him again and that showing me his account would of shown me that I could trust him if there wasn't any problem emails. I basically told him that our marriage won't work if I can't trust him.
Whats sad is I begged him to show me that I can trust him by seeing his email account with nothing in it. I told him it hurts to know that he is covering up an email from his other friend because he doesn't want me to get upset, but its ok for me to not trust him and tell him our marriage may as well be over w/o the trust.
Oh darling! It does seem that this is a deeper problem. Someone suggested joint counselling. You sound so hurt i cant' even imagine how it feels like. I do wish you can sort it out with your dh in some way another. He does have to earn your trust again but forcing him to do it won't do any good. You both have to get to the bottom of the situation.
Many, many hugs and God bless.
What disturbs me is that your husband has, now, two female friends with whom he has email discussions about your marital problems. Why isn't he discussing them with you? Why isn't he suggesting or agreeing to counseling? Why, if he must discuss martial problems outside of the marriage or counseling, does he not have a male friend with whom he has these discussions? I don't understand that he says he has no friends - other than these two women? Does he have no male friends?
I really, strongly, urge you to either get the both of you into marital counseling and work on this issue of trust - both earning and being worthy of trust, and trusting. I am really troubled by the thought that he is talking to two different female friends about what he sees as problems in his marriage.
I am sorry anon. That just mad me so sad for you. I hope it works out.
I am so sorry.
This is why I feel that in a marriage, a personal e-mail account just doesn't belong. My husband and I share an e-mail account. He and I both get our personal e-mails there, and we both have access to it. Now, he also has an account through hotmail, that he can access through work, so if there is something he wants to show the guys, he can, but I set it up for him, so I know the password and can access it at any time.
I just don't see the point of private accounts, and if there are, then I think both partners should have access to them at any time. Secrets just lead to problems in a marriage.
As far as the "poor me, I have no friends" thing. Don't let him get you down with that. Neither my husband nor I go out with friends. Ever. We have friends that we work with and we talk with there. My husband commutes to work with a friend (male) everyday. But outside of work, we really just do family stuff. Now, I know that a lot of people have friends that they do stuff with and that's great, but I'm just saying that he can survive without outside friends, and having you in his life is more important, and he shouldn't be using that as an excuse.
He has completely broken your trust. And as you keep finding out things ON YOUR OWN that he is lying about, he is breaking it more and more. HE is the one at fault. NOT you. Don't let this be turned around on you. You had no obligations to this woman, especially once you moved. He certainly didn't need to be texting her. I'm telling you from experience. Emotional relationships can be much worse than sexual relationships and much harder to let go of. And they can certainly lead to more. And as Ginny has stated before. Infidelity does not have to include sex. He needs to break this emotional attachment to the other woman. No married partner should ever have such emotional attachments to another person of another sex. It just isn't good for the marriage and it can never stay platonic.
Good luck sweetie, just realize, you are not in the wrong here, and don't give in. This makes you feel bad and that's all the reason he needs to stop contact with her.
When my husband got together with me, he had a girl who he had liked at one time, but she was getting married. She started "playing" with him, and would flirt with him and be friendly. But she wouldn't speak to me. Even when out, she'd have nothing to do with me. Well after we became engaged, she was already married, but she would still be over friendly with my now husband. But she would barely say hi to me, and talk up a storm to him. When I was out alone, she'd ignore me. I told him that if she couldn't speak to me, she didn't need to speak to him. And that's how I truly felt. I had gone out of my way to be friendly with her, and if she chose to be rude to me, I felt my husband should take my side. And he did. Even though they had been friends before, he said if she couldn't be friendly to me, he wouldn't accept that.
That's what you deserve to. You and your husband are a team, but you shouldn't have to be a team player and watch him lavish his attention on another woman. You should be a united front and tell this woman to find a single man or a good girlfriend to cry to.
Thank you.
I was up most of the night with this. This morning when he left for work, he made a comment about things being the "same ol, same ol" Which means back to him leaving w/o me getting a kiss and being angered.
All I did was think last night.. this morning I went through his drawers and got into his spot for his store receipts. Well another bad find for me. I found receipts dated back to 12/18 for 2 toys that I don't remember our kids getting, Hallmark purchase for @$10, bath and body works receipt for a small $5 item, and some "pocket"?? purchased at one of those American heritage type fur store for $27. For Xmas I got 2 button up shirts from Kmart and the kind I don't even wear.
I'm sick. My stomach is churning, my head is hurting, my eyes are so swollen and I have to go to work in a bit. I can't even call off. Since I found the original shipping receipt, I've only been able to eat one small meal (if you call it that) a day.
I'm going to call the pastor of the church we've been attending to see if I can talk to him today. I'm not sure how that will go or if I can even get in. But I'm going to try.
What really upsets me is that he is doing things and hiding them and knew I'd be upset when I found out. (he says he didn't think I'd be this upset) I honestly don't think there is a physical relationship as he looked me in the eyes and told me so and he's always been honest when confronted with things. I do know he is attracted to the gal. (Just like I am attracted to Brad Pitt he says)
Thank you again for putting up with me and my whining. Please say some prayers for me as I really need strength right now.
You definitely are in my prayers. I'm constantly thinking of you, sweetie. You can get through this. And I'm glad you believe there's nothing physical going on because that will be that much less you will have to get over. It's hard to get those pictures out of your head.
But honestly, sometimes the emotional betrayal hurts just as bad, if not worse, than the physical. You need to explain that to your husband. You need to sit down and tell him that finding out these things a little at a time is destroying you and you need everything out in the open right now. You are already upset and angry and that you just need it all drug out right now so you guys can get it out and fix it and move past it. The longer you have to hunt for the answers yourself, the worse on your relationship it is going to be. He has to realize he is in the wrong here. He not only shipped that one thing, it was an ongoing thing.
I'm glad you are going to call your pastor. You definitely need someone to help you through this. Because this isn't something that can be swept back under the rug. You are too hurt by this, and if left alone, it will just fester till it destroys your marriage.
You have my thoughts and prayers. God will give you the strength you need. Take care of yourself so you will have the endurance to do what is needed to get through this.
I am a great listener and have been through a lot in life. If you need to talk you can e-mail me, even from a hotmail account, so I won't know you if you'd like. ealaney at adelphia dot net
I'll be praying.
{{{{hugs}}}} I am so sorry you are going through this. I think it is a good idea to talk with your pastor, if just to have someone to talk it over with.
I'll be thinking of you. {{{{more hugs}}}}
If youre husband is tired of the same ol,same ol,he should be putting in an effort to youre relationship and making it more interesting than trying something new outside youre marriage.I'm sorry youre going through this.Just remember its not youre fault and dont let him make you feel like that((((Hugs)))) We all need to do things in our marriages to keep the spark.Everything I've read about having multiples it said divorce is really high My DH and I discussed this before the boys came and figured wed know when to let things slide and dont take anything personal.It was hard b/c lack of sleep and intimacy does effect a marriage.I think quality of time together instead of quantity is definately important.My DH was giving the silent treatment once and I pulled out all the anniversary cards hes ever given to me and made him read them to me.He thought I was weird but was crying when he was done b/c he was being petty and forgot about us.It never has to be the same ol, same ol if he felt like that he should have told you before he went this far
Darlin', you already have your answer, it's up to you what to do with it. (((((ANON))))
Anon, hope you are ok.
Anon, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I too, hope you are okay. I hope you were able to talk with your pastor.
Thanks for continuing to think and pray for me.
We had a major discussion and even talked with a christian associate. I thought things were going well until I noticed an email on his computer telling one of the women that he had lost his one email account and she could contact him through his work email or another one but that one has "Eyes" so watch what is said.. Needless to say, I was very upset, to say the least since he promised me that he would stop all communication. He doesn't remember that he was to stop communicating with both.. he thought I only said the one he sent gifts to.
This happened yesterday and now he is away on a business trip until Fri. We need the time apart. I've got a list of counselors from our pastor and I'll be checking into them. The only problem is.. he said he'd talk to someone but not if he has to pay..
Thanks again for thinking/praying for me as I still very much need it.
Wow...I'm so sorry to hear about the email thing Anon. It doesn't sound like he's keeping the "promise". I hope everything works out for the best.
Oh boy, I hate to say this, and I am sure you know this, but it doesn't sound good at all. I would wonder what is being said that he needed to warn her about "eyes". You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers!!
I'm sorry you are going through this. I think your husband's action are proving that he isn't worthy of your trust. Please be careful. I know this is taking it's toll emotionally. Just make sure you have your ducks in a row so you and the kids are taken care of.
I struggle with the fact he is willing to pay for gifts to give to a woman who is having a tough time but he won't pay for marital counseling. I think the man has his priorities all messed up.
I am sorry anon. I hope the counseling works out.
((((anon))))
Tayjar- VERY good point about the money thing and not wanting to pay for marital counseling.
It seems to me like if he's doing things behind your back intentionally (whatever that includes) then he wouldn't care (truly) too much about counseling. People that go to counseling *want* to make things better, and if he doesn't really want to go (not wanting to pay for it) then it's probably useless anyway.
I would never tolerate my DH doing something so underhanded with regard to another woman. He's deliberately hiding things from you that involve another woman. WHOA.
I hate to say anything against someone elses marriage but I think that you are looking for are opinions and advice. I think at this point your husband is playing games. I don't believe for one minute that he didn't realize you meant he had to give up both friends. It that were true he would not have emailed her telling her he lost his account contact him at work. I think you definately need counseling but you need to also take some actions to protect yourself. Financially,emotinonally, mentally ect... Because he is playing games with you and you can't let him win.
Dont let this be a relationship of convenience, its not healthy for anybody.Its better to feel lonely by yourself than to be lonely with someone.I'm sorry youre going through this.You may love eachother but can you honestly say youre IN love with eachother.I dont know how you could trust him he's sneaky and now you have to worry about e-mails at work.He sounds very selfish and uncaring.Its time you start taking care of yourself and kids and do whats best for you.(((((Hugs))))
Many e-hugs!!
If he's hiding all of this from you, what else could be going on? My job as a wife isn't to be a detective too! And him being on a buisness trip brings up a whole new set of feelings, especailly after all of this. Ditto what was stated above about counseling etc.. I'm going to be real blunt here but have you asked him honestly how he feels about you? Maybe he feels completly unconnected, and stuck and feels that he needs attention from outside sources. Does he feel like he wants to repair this marriage or move on? Once you know the facts you can figure out what you need to do. Goodluck
My heart goes out to you, Anon. I've been thinking about you and glad you checked in. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Even if he doesn't go for the counseling, I hope you will decide to go yourself. Take care of you, and please know we all care, and are here.
Many hugs and caring thoughts coming your way.
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