Need help with an underachieving middle schooler
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive March 2006:
Need help with an underachieving middle schooler
I am at my wits end. My ds is not doing well at school. He does his homework but forgets to turn it in. He used to constantly forget to bring it home until I started picking him up every day and making sure he has everything. Nothing we've done, rewards, punishments, etc has helped. I don't know what to do anymore. My other two kids have no problems at all in school and I can't figure out for the life of me why he doesn't really even try. He thinks school is boring, most of his teachers "hate" him or are "mean", etc. etc. I would rather reward for success than punish for failure but I need some advice or suggestions. I am meeting with his guidence counselor on Wednesday to see if she has any advice. He is also extremely disorganized. I bought a binder for him to keep everything in and the papers are just shoved in random spots. His locker is a disaster. I know this is a scattered post. My thoughts are not well organized at the moment. Dh thinks he should be grounded to the point of the loss of everything, confined to his room, let out to eat 3 meals, do homework, use the bathroom and that's it. If he brings home a good mark it's like a get out of jail card for one day and then if he doesn't bring home a good one the next day he's back grounded again. I think this is to extreme. Dh thinks if that doesn't work, nothing will. I can't treat him like that. He's 13,he's immature, he's a quirky kid, kind of like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole and it's not working.
Help me. Please.
Let him see some natural consequences. Whether that means he gets in trouble at school or not. Right now you are being his "brain" you make sure that he has what he needs, you ask him if he has everything. Let him mess up. I have a 5th grader that was the same way and I talked to her teacher and told her that I was going to back off and let my dd see what happens when she forgets homework and let her know that if she forgot papers at school that I would not go and get them. She quickly became more responsible when she was missing resource classes that she likes in order to have to stay back and do homework from the day before. If she got in trouble for something then there would be consequences at home such as grounding etc. It is so hard to back off but it helps them become responsible. There is a fine line between backing off and disconnecting however. You still need to know what is going on because if grades are falling or behavior is changing then that should alarm you. They have to know that we trust them enough to do what they need to do. If they are never able to make mistakes then they won't know how important being organized and being responsible is. It is hard but it worked for me. I couldn't tell you the last time my dd lost a paper or forgot something. It's like night and day. Good Luck.
Have you had him tested for ADHD? Or, checked for depression? It sounds to me like this is more than a lazy kid. Good luck. I think before I go to the extreme of grounding him from life, I would make sure there is nothing going on in his brain that is making him be this way.
I don't have any experience with this (my dks are too young) as a parent, but I was this underachieving middle (and high) schooler. I don't know about your ds but I didn't have ADHD or depression but just couldn't get my act together. It all seemed very overwhelming and, by the time my parents stepped in, I didn't know how to dig myself out of the hole I was in. Are you going through his binder each day and showing him where to put papers, how to decide what needs to be kept and what can be thrown away? I didn't know how to do that. Can you speak to his teachers about emailing you when he doesn't turn in his work or letting you know what the homework is each day? I don't know what you've already tried but I wish my parents had micromanaged me and my work for a while, teaching me what needed to be done, and then gradually backed off so that I had the tools before I was tossed out to sink or swim. I sank...pretty badly.
Anyway, that's another perspective. I hope that you're able to work something out. These are skills he'll need throughout his life so if you can teach them to him now, it will be better for him. I also wanted to tell you that I'm really glad you're taking care of this now and not letting him figure it out for himself. It's not easy as a parent but you are trying to get him the help he needs. {{{Anon and DS}}}
Dear Anon,
I am going through this exact thing. My son is 14. I've taken to having his teacher's emailing me his homework assignments and they're making sure he has his work in his bag when he leaves at the end of the day. Even that is a fight with him. His attitude about it sucks and that's the only thing holding him back. He says a lot of the same things your son is saying. I have taken away his video game privleges (sp?) lol this week UNTIL he pulls up his socks. I go through his binder with him every evening and we sort the papers out. Last night was a huge fight over his homework, he had 6 pages of science and I said you've got two choices you can do the work or you can sit in your room tonight and do nothing, and you'll do the same tomorrow and on the weekend. I explained to him that the only thing holding him back about it is his attitude. Then I walked out of his room and closed the door and didn't say another word.
He game storming downstairs, got what he needed then went back to his room then about an hour later he came to me and it was all done!  I hugged him and said "See that wasn't so bad now was it?" and he said "Yes it was, It was too much work!" and I said "But you got it done and I'm very proud of you". We then got into another argument because he thought that since he got it done he should get his video game priveleges back. I said to him until this is consistent you're not getting them back. It's not going to change from one day to the next.
I don't know if I would say to your husband that grounding your son is wrong but I think it gets to a point where you need to exercise tough love if that's what it takes. Only you can decide if it's at that point. In our house it is.
He helped me with the dishes after and was all laughing and happy and the sweet boy I know that lurks inside my grouchy teenager! lol He went to bed happy too with an I love you mom and left for school with all his work completed.
Good luck! I know how hard it is. Please feel free to email me if you need to vent. butterfly 774 at gmail dot com ((((((((((((((((((( Anon and DS ))))))))))))))))))))))))
I was going to suggest testing for ADD or ADHD as well. Meeting with the counselor is a good starting point. Another thought is, is he sad or depressed?? Have you noticed any other behavioral, diet, sleep or social changes?
I agree there is a point where a child must deal with consequences, but from personal experience, I can tell you that KEEPING THEM PUNISHED DOES NOT WORK! It makes them feel defeated and hopeless and will only make the problems worse. Take it from one who has BTDT. It's a big mistake.
I would start by speaking with the counselor, the teachers, possibly having him tested for any learning issues, and maybe taking him to talk to someone outside of the school system. It is possible he is having some emotional issues that are at the root of this.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
It would help to have ADHD and/or depression ruled in or out. If that's an issue, medication might help, although the depression medication scares me.
What is his nutrition like? Certain foods can make the brain fuzzy. Other foods help the brain.
Do you have any schooling alternatives? Homeschooling perhaps?
Has he had a check up with his doctor?
I would want to rule out medical issues before starting in with the punitive stuff.
Also, check the forums on www.conductdisorders.com to get ideas from moms dealing with this issue and much worse issues.
I do have to say I agree that keeping them punished all the time won't work. With my son we've been through all the testing, for everything from ADD/ADHD to Fragile X etc. We're getting him into counselling as soon as we can, etc.
He's shown a wonderful brain when he uses it. We just need to get him to buckle in and focus it. I have my son in a special ed class where he gets additional help etc. It's something I've been dealing with for years. He's already in a modified program. We're just running out of options to get him to buckle down, hence the video games being removed for during the week. I have told him he'll get some time for video games on the weekends when his progress during the week has been great! I haven't taken away any of his other priveleges. I should have been more specific!
Oh boy, I have a 13 yo too. It's grand isnt it? lol NOT!! My 13yo is smart enough to avg out his grade and decide if he *really* has to do his homework assignment or if it will pull his grade down to much to get a zero!!!!! I nearly fell over when he said it wouldnt hurt his grade much if he took a zero the other day. argh
I really dont have any advice. I do agree that talking with the counselor/teachers will be a good starting point. It wouldnt hurt to look up some info on ADHD/ADD... My ds is severely ADHD. But you can have a much lesser form of it, something that would go unnoticed this long...
Good luck! And if you figure out a good solution on helping him be organized and motivated please share with us.
BTW, I would not punish him much at this point. Talk to him, talk to the school and find out if something is going on that you may not be aware of. Then talk with your dh, etc... Lot's of communicating needs to be taking place. Your ds needs to know you are concerned not mad. He needs to know you want to help him be all he can be. Sometimes they think we are just nag's... And, I tell my dk's 'it's YOUR report card, not mine.' I wanted to be proud of my report card and feel good about it. Putting it back on them really does make mine think.
We can check the homework assignments online for both my jr high ds and my middle school ds. That is very helpful. Sorry you are having to go thru this!
My opinion on this, is let the school set the rules and the consequences for grade issues.
I had my dd conferences 3 weeks ago, her grades were slipping, her 4 teachers (7th grade) all EXPECT her to get straight a's because she's "gifted", I told them I have no expectations of her for her grades, she has "the two rules of school" to live by in our home: 1. Do your best all the time, in all things, 2. Do not make the teachers job harder than it is.
I told them all if they want to impose discipline on her for her "b's" than fine with me, I won't do it from my end, however I did come home and tell her what happened and asked if there was anything she needed my help with, yes, she needed to be more organized, so we made that action plan, so she could meet the TEACHERS expectations not mine. If her grades go very low, they would suspend her from clubs, sports, recesses etc, not me, them.
You see I think if you spend your life nagging your kids about EVERYTHING, they tune you out and fee overwhelmed and stressed, if you relax on grades and school performance, he may be more willing to come to you on issues that are effecting those things, but you can address those seperately, and let the school/teachers deal with grades.
After two weeks, my dd broke down and told us an issue her friend was having, that was effecting her and another friend in a very intense way, so there was an underlying issue that was effecting her grades, but at that age they don't put two and two together. Leave the doors of communication open and you will discover more than the fact that he thinks school is boring.
I cant really help much! I am going through the very same thing with my dd. I have had to have her write down her home work in her planner, have her teacher sign it saying that is all she has and then check all of it once she does it because she was just not doing her homework. I have also asked to get a weekly report form all of her teachers so that I can see if she is really trying to catch up. If she doesnt she is going to fail. This grading period ended today and there is one more left. She is jut sliding by. I also told her that if she barely passes then I am going to request that she be held back anyway. She is in 8th grade and wants to go on to high school with her friends but she has to do better. I think that scared her a bit.
Thanks for all of the advice/opinions. Please keep them coming. All of the different ideas are helping me to see other points of view. You've no idea how much the response to this post means to me.
In my experience, many public school teachers don't have the time or will to track down missing homework or even impose consequences. Thus, leaving it up to the school may or may not work.
My mom teaches 7-12 graders at a private school where the teachers are able to keep track of each kid's missing/late assigments individually. She has a mandatory assignment system for 7th-8th graders to teach them to be organized. I once adapted it for a fourth grader I was tutoring, and you may be able to adapt it for your son's needs.
The student has a 3-clasp, pocket folder. In it are photocopied pages with every subject listed, in cronological order, with blank lines to write down each class' assignment. Each page is one day's worth of subjects, so there is plenty of space to write down details about assignments. Any handouts or worksheets should go directly into the folder pocket. At the bottom of the page there should be a section labeled "Items to bring home with me" where the student can list what texts, notebooks, worksheets, etc. he needs to take home from his locker to complete the assignments.
Next to each subject is a small box for the teacher's initials. After each class, the student shows his filled-out assignment sheet to the teacher, who then initials the box to show that the assignment is written down completely/correctly. Of course, you'll need to get his teachers to agree to this. The teacher should also make a note of any missing/late work on the lines. Hopefully it won't be too difficult for them, since you/he will have done most of the work for them. It sure beats having to call/email home every time an assignment is late!
At night, all compeleted homework goes directly into that folder, which he will be taking to every class with him. Thus, there shouldn't be an excuse for "forgetting" to turn in work.
Then, you provide consequence/rewards at home. If his assignment book is filled out, initialed, all his homework was turned in, and he has all his homework materials with him, he gets X, which could be whatever works for you. Extra video game time, $.50 toward an outing/item/allowance, 15-30 min. later bedtime, etc. If he can go 1 mo. (or 2 weeks, or whatever time you think is reasonable) and do it correctly, he gets something bigger, like pizza out with a friend or a movie outing.
Failing to turn in homework should have negative consequences. At my mom's school, the natural consequence is you eat lunch in the classroom and do your homework. If you don't finish it then, you do it that night and it's due the next day for a reduced grade. If it still isn't done, you stay in during lunch the next day. In the real world, your work doesn't magically disappear if you ignore it. In public schools, teachers usually aren't allowed to keep kids in at lunch, and late/missing work rarely ever gets turned in. Thus, parents are left to create their own consequences. This can be whatever you think is appropriate such as: having to do homework 1st thing after school, missing a favorite show to do it, losing video game time, etc.
These are just some ideas for you to help him be motivated to get organized.
I haven't read all the responses, but I do agree with those who say keeping him punished will not work. Kids want to feel like they are in control. If he feels you are forcing him to succeed, he will choose to fail. That gives him the control.
I have two sayings I use with my kids: I will never worry more about their homework and school work than they do. After all, I already passed all the grades.
Also, I tell my kids not to worry too much about their work if they don't want to. They offer every grade every year and they can always repeat next year.
Vicious, I know. But it works. ;)
I would suggest sitting down with your son and the counselor together. Talk about what his dreams are, where he sees his life in ten or more years. Often times kids can't see past what is happening right now. Help him envision his future and what it will take to get there. He's not the first quirky kid to go through the school system. He may have his own unique ways of getting where he is going, and that is fine. Focus on what he is good at and what he can do now to accomplish what he wants in life.
I am not a huge fan of the initialing and notes that pass between parents and teachers. Don't get me wrong, I am all for communication and being on the same page. But I think it's much more beneficial to the kid if he can find motivation internally rather than externally. JMO.
I haven't read all of the responses thoroughly, but from what I have read I agree with Tink the most. I am usually a big fan of natural consequences, but since I work with kids who struggle in school I have learned that making bad grades isn't too big of a consequence to some of them. Then they get held back...and then these are the kids most likely to be high school dropouts. I DO think he needs to take some ownership and responsibility, but I think he needs to be guided through the process and then you slowly fade the assistance.
Have you seen those houses on TV that are utter pig stys with garbage, animal waste, years woth of magazines, etc. on the floor? I don't think the person likes living like that, but maybe she wasn't organized, didn't have a plan, things got out of control, and now she doesn't even know where to start. I tend to think your DS is in this position. (And I personally think ADHD, depression, and other diagnoses du jour are way overdiagnosed. I think you try some behavioral strategies first and THEN if oyu don't see a change, you start investigating other issues, JMHO)
I would start by helping your DS clean out his backpack, binder, and locker totally. Take everything out. Sort through and put things in piles of: trash, keep, file/save for later. If your son doesn't have a daily planner, then get him one. He should either have a notebook with pockets for each subject or a binder with pocketed dividers for each subject and filled with looseleaf. He also needs to keep extra pencils, pens, erasers, etc. in his backpack pocket. If he has hand-outs that he will refer to repeatedly like a class outline or syllabus, a reading or test schedule, etc. then that should be placed in the pocket for that class or have holes punched and placed in that class' section in his binder. Additional notes and handouts can go in the pockets. The front pocket of his binder or a separate folder should be exclusively for school-to-home communication like ordering homecoming T-shirts, picture day announcements, permission slips. In each class he needs to write down the assignment in his binder AND *this is important* write down the materials he needs to complete the assignment such as text books he will need to bring home. All of the assignments should be written in the same place on the planner so he doesn't have to flip through pages looking for assignments.
For the morning, after school, and bedtime he needs a schedule. Work on this together so he feels like he has some ownership and control--he'll be more likely to follow it this way. Post the schedule on the refrigerator. Here is the schedule for my kids:
Morning-Make up bed, eat breakfast, take medicine, brush teeth, feed pets, get backpack and lunchbox (middle school they start making their own lunches)
After school-Hang up backpack (we have a special hook where the boys hang up their back packs, DH his work bag, and my purse), put lunchbox away (special place on counter--if I don't get the lunchbox I don't make lunch), give mom notes and papers (if I don't get a permission slip I don't sign---and I have to get papers the night before. I will not read through and sign things in the morning rush), do homework (usually a snack and 30 minute break first)
Bedtime-Tidy room, make sure backpack is packed and ready, lay out clothes (inc. shoes, socks, belt so you're not running around in the morning looking for the left shoe), take medicine, brush teeth.
Breaking up things into manageable chunks so he can accomplish them will help him feel successful and he won't be so overwhelmed. ALso, when he is organized he has a plan and knows where to find the materials to execute the plan. As far as actual homework he also needs to make a schedule for that. For example, tonight he has to study for a science test tomorrow, complete 20 algebra problems, and read one chapter of a book for English. Give him the power to pick the order of tasks and then let him reward himself for completing one. For example, he does 20 algebra problems and then he goes and shoots hoops for 15 minutes. Then he comes back in and reads the chapter, and he gets to take a break and eat supper and watch a 30 min. sitcom with the family. Then he finished up by studying for science (maybe with you making a practice test or quizzing him aloud if he wants--let him decide), taking a shower and preparing for the next day, reviewing science one more time before bed. Also, when he finishes his homework each day he needs to immediately--the second he puts down his pencil--put his homework in the pocket designated for that subject.
The first couple weeks you implement such a routine you will need to help him every step of the way. Watch him put his homework in the pocket, check to make sure he has laid out his clothes, etc. Then step back and start fading the cues. Maybe just ask him if he has checked off everything on his after school schedule or if his back pack is packed and ready to go for the next morning (which would include completed homework in the proper pocket). If after 4-6 weeks of helping him and then gradually stepping back you aren't noticing a significant difference in his performance AND his attitude toward school, then I would consider learning disabilities or something along those lines.
Best of luck and keep us posted!!
Accept this as coming from the resident unschooling wacko of the group (shouldn't every group have one?) and feel free to ignore it. I just thought I'd offer up my advice anyway.
If he's not fitting into school it may be that school just doesn't work well for him. If you have to put so much work into fitting him into the school's expectations...Maybe it's not worth it.
Maybe he doesn't have learning disabilities, maybe the school has teaching disabilities with regards to certain kinds of kids. Haven't most of us had that work environment that we just couldn't fit into? The job that didn't suit us at all? Might be the same thing for him.
I'd be inclined to just pull him out. Explore some home education options with him and find some approach that fits him instead of having him fit the approach.
Again, I'm just throwing this out there. If it doesn't fit your family at all, please disregard.
Can you try buying your son a dayplanner and write everything thats needs to be done Im lost without my grocery list.Is he a middle child? Sometimes at that age peer pressure is tuff and they have to decide between the good kids and the bad kids.Sometimes the kids you hung out with all youre life turn out to be the bad kids and you need new friends (Tuff Age)Rule out anything medical first than at least you can sleep and try to figure out on how to make him feel better about himself and gain him some self esteem
Yes, he is the middle child. I meet with guidance on Wednesday.
In the Sheboygan school district, starting in middle school, they get an assignment notebook on the first day of school. It's something we pay for, when we register for school. I think it's been good for my kids to keep track of everything. Emily, almost 14, writes her assignments in her book a week at a time. Actually, all the kids do it together, once a week.
Besides that, she can look up assignments online, too. Most of the time she knows what she has to do, but has occasionally used the online tool.
With the big National History Day project that they did, the whole thing spanned about a 4-month period of time. They sent home a parent note, way back at the beginning of it that outlined the project and a timeline of what should be done when. Even though I didn't remember every detail of the note, later on, I still had some idea of what should be happening when and I think that helped both of us.
We also have the online tool, but not all the teachers keep it up to date. I wish the teachers would make the kids right down the homework every day instead of just leaving it on the board for them to remember to copy. My ds NEVER remembers anything. I meet with guidance this morning, I got a book on helping underachievers, I am basically micromanaging his homework and then going to slowly back off - unless the counselor has some better advice today.
I've noticed he's developing a nervous habit of picking at his scalp now too. It usually starts as soon as I talk to him about school. I feel so bad for the kid. He just has no clue on how to get organized for school. Thanks again for all of the advice.
|
Members
