I hope it's all right I go anon on this. I feel none of you would judge me for my honesty, but I worry since this is a public forum.

A few months ago my husband and I tried some marriage counseling. This was not the first time. We went years ago, before our child was born, and although it was a tough process at times, it helped tremendously. This last time we went to a different therapist, and I was only able to attend three sessions with my husband. The sessions felt extremely threatening to me. I had gone to see this therapist twice on my own, and although I had some reservation, I felt she might be all right. I explained briefly what our problems were, but I did not go into much detail. I felt it better my husband and I do that together. Some rather major things have happened between us that has caused a lot of hurt and damage. I also have some of my own issues I need to work on, and it was agreed I would see this therapist individually as well.

The sessions with my husband were terrible. He has a lot of anger towards me, as I do with him. He came on strong, and said some things to the therapist about my behavior that I truly felt were exaggerated. I did not defend myself. I want our marriage to work, and really felt I might be to blame for a lot of our problems. I know I'm not perfect. And I have a very hard time standing up to my husband. I have a few friends that feel my dh is controlling and psychologically abusive. I just know I have a hard time disagreeing with him, because it seems no matter what I say, he comes out sounding right.

The counselor was quick to come to conclusions. She labeled my behavior as "verbal abuse" and basically said I need to stop being so angry with dh. Her reply felt so strong to me. And, she only knows part of what has gone on between us. It didn't make me feel less anger towards my husband. Rather, things have been so much worse.

My husband and I are on welfare. He has been out of work for eight years do to a back injury. This therapist was referred to us through the welfare system. I am feeling so hopeless right now. Our child is showing signs of stress. I want to go to counseling and work on things but I've lost hope. My husband will not allow me to return to work, because we would lose the welfare benefits. And, I'm a little worried the choice of therapist while on welfare may hamper getting someone who is good for my husband and I. Or, perhaps it is just me. Maybe the therapist was fine, and I am not facing things well. I'm so very confused. I have had other counselors that never made me feel so poorly about myself. I value a therapist who will listen and guide me to my own conclusions. Who will not make me feel judged because of my behavior, but rather help me understand why I behave in such a manner, and then I might be able to change for the better.

Please, if anyone can share a bit of your experience of marriage counseling, good or bad. I would appreciate it very much. I don't trust my instincts right now. And I've lost hope counseling can help my marriage. And I'm so worried about our child.

Thank you all for listening. I value all of you so much. You've no idea. Thank you.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, March 9, 2006 - 07:57 pm:

First, while you may have been referred to this person by welfare, I am sure there is a way you can get a referral to a different person.

Second, in my experience, I've never been to a therapist (and I've seen 6 or 7 in my long life) who was judgmental or labeled my behavior. They all tried to help me discover what was underlying my behavior and decide whether it was helpful or harmful to me to behave that way.

And, in my opinion, a marriage therapist should help each person listen to and actually hear the other, do some interpreting as appropriate, and some mediation and suggestions for both to change.

If it were me, I'd do a couple of things. First, I'd talk to the welfare office and ask them if you can get a referral to a different counselor. Keep pressing on that issue - she can't be the only counselor to whom they make referrals.

Second, I'd suggest you listen to your friends. If they think your husband is verbally abusive, their comments are based on a couple of things - one, they are your friends and care about you, and two, they've seen behavior from your husband towards you that concerns them. I am concerned, myself, when you tell me your husband won't "allow" you to go to work. If he cannot work because of a disability, is he collecting disability benefits, from Social Security or job insurance or anything like that? I don't know, but do disability benefits really get pulled if a spouse goes to work?

Finally, here's a couple of pages that describes the escalation that can take from psychological abuse to verbal abuse to physical abuse, and it describes the many kinds of behavior that can, if put together, be psychologically or verbally abusive. Please read them.

http://www.police.nashville.org/bureaus/investigative/domestic/symptoms.htm

http://www.metrokc.gov/dvinfo/dv1_0.htm#dv1_2

http://www.nottopeoplelikeus.com/body/profiles.html

By Debbie on Friday, March 10, 2006 - 09:09 am:

You need to get a referral for a new counselor!!! Talk to welfare and see if they can refer you to some else. I am sure they have more then one.

I went to a marriage counselor with dh. He was wonderful!! He did not pass judgement on either one of us. In fact, all he did was guide our discussions and teach us how to communicate. He never labeled our behavior or made either one of us feel bad about ourselves. Our sessions were so relaxed and dh actually opened up more then I thought he would. During our first session we wrote down 5 things that we felt were wonderful about our marriage and then 5 things that we felt were our biggest problems. Dh and I had close to the same list. We then sat down and talked about ways that each of us could contribute to fix the problems. If it was a certain behavior that we felt was a problem, we talked about why the person was doing it and then how it made the other one feel. Lastly, he gave us tools to use, so we could communitcate better.

You should not walk out of a session feeling bad or hopeless. Counseling should make you feel good and make you feel like you are working to fix things.

Now, I had a friend that went to a counselor and had a horrible experience. He was very in your face and confrondational. At the end of their first session he told them their marriage was hopeless and that her dh should leave. They never saw him again and 5 yrs. later they are still married.

{{{{hugs}}}} Don't give up and try not to feel like you are at fault. Please try and find someone new to see.

By Missbookworm on Friday, March 10, 2006 - 01:52 pm:

I think Ginny gave you some really good advice. She said exactly what I would have!

I'm sorry that you're going through this anon We're here for you. (((((((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))))))

By Kym on Friday, March 10, 2006 - 02:40 pm:

Since I rarely think couples should go to counseling (another subject I know), I will throw in my interpreation of your post.

You both are suffering because your "roles" are not in line. Men do not do well being out of work, fact of life, they are providers, and women don't do well when there men are out of work. Your husband would rather stay on welfare because it's less shameful for him than having his wife support him. I would approach him from this viewpoint in a very loving and understanding position, not threatening, not abusive.
When pride leaves a family it's a tough thing, it sounds like you are both beating each other up because of the financial and employment reasons, try to take those out of your relationship and see what happens. Also read the post on the 5 Love Languages, this book will help you communicate in reality based scenarios, not interpreted reality from a counselor.

Also PLEASE be careful in what you share with your friends, if you are in danger or your child is, get out, if not, than keep your mouth shut when it comes to your friends/husband. I never understand why women feel the need to "vent" to friends and family, this does nothing but damage the relationship between them, and really does nothing to help you out. If you really need to vent come to places like this, journal, yell into a pillow, but other people will be much less forgiving of your spouse than you are, and when the marraige works out, your friends will wonder why you are with him!

By Anonymous on Friday, March 10, 2006 - 03:53 pm:

Thank you so much, Ginny, Debbie, Catherin and Kym. I am crying! It is such a relief to talk to someone about this, and you haven't made me feel worse, but a little better. Maybe she wasn't the right counselor for us. I struggle with very low self esteem, and after those session I came away feeling even worse about myself. My husband shared with her that one of his pet peeves about me is I am extra nice to people I don't like. As soon as he said this, the counselor turned to me and said, "do you know how dishonest that is?" I know it's wrong, but I think I have reasons why I am like this. (Past conditioning) And I'd truly like to change, but her approach with me made me feel so much worse. And when I feel this way, change is hard. I just seem to stay stuck.

Ginny, my dh isn't on S.S. He applied twice and was denied. The report stated he is not able to perform the type of work he once did and can not lift over a certain weight. But they felt he is able to do other jobs. This has been so hard on my husband. He is very handy and is used to doing it all. But his body no longer cooperates. He has gone back to school, and I am proud of him for this. He said we are better off on welfare than if I went out and got a job paying minimum wage. I've only had two years college. His mother is also supporting us. It's rather complicated, and I've asked a lot of you already, so I won't elaborate. Ginny, this last counselor who didn't work out said she doubted I'd get another counselor because I didn't keep my appointments with her. So, I guess I lost hope of getting anyone else.

Debbie, your counselor sounded great! I would have felt so much better, and I think the anger between my husband and I would have decreased with such an approach. This counselor we were seeing wasn't specifically a marriage counselor. She was a family counselor, not sure if that made a difference.

Kym, I am going to get the book you recommended, thank you. And I agree, talking to well meaning friends can sometimes make things worse. My three friends I spoke of came to their conclusion after observing my husband and I together, and based on the way he talks about me at times. Yesterday was an especially bad day, and I almost e-mailed one of these friends, but I came here instead! It so hard for friends to be objective, I know. And I'm actually a really private person. I have shared things here my closest friends know nothing about. But thank you for the reminder. It's easy to cave when I feel like I did yesterday.

And, Catherin, thank you for the hugs. All of you here mean so much to me! Thank you for helping me at a rough time.
Thank you from my heart.

By Debbie on Friday, March 10, 2006 - 05:31 pm:

{{{{hugs}}}} I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. Please don't give up. Call yourself and request another counselor. Don't just take the word of your current one. She sounds awful and it is obvious by her comments that she is not helping at all. Are you a member of a church? If so, maybe you could get help or guidance there.

Hang in there and vent anytime. We are here for you!