Do you think its common for people to stay married just becauase of the kids? I know many people who know me, would be surprised to know that I stay because of the children. Financially I can not afford to be a single parent. I just often wonder how common it is.

By Vicki on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 08:13 am:

I do believe it is more common than we really know, but I don't think it is a good idea at all.

By Happynerdmom on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 08:22 am:

Unfortunately, I'm sure it is common. It makes me so sad. I can't imagine being married to someone I don't want to be with. It seems like such a waste to me.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 08:31 am:

I stay because I do not like change. It is sad to be married to somebody you do not want to be with. I think I realized this several years ago, but always felt "stuck". I do not have the money to be out on my own with the children. It is easy to feel this way when you are married to somebody you have nothing in common with. I am not talking about, he likes chocolate, and I like vanilla. Those kind of differences are easy to live with. I am talking about differences like how to discipline the children, how to spend retirement, what to do with our money. We have always had big differences in the very important things. Maybe over the years, I thought things would work itself out. They have not. I realize him or myself are not willing to change our views in the important things in life. I can not change him,he can not change me. So I stay now because of the kids. It is a sad life sometimes, but I focus on my precious babies, and they get me through the day with a big smile on my face. We live like roommates.

By Reds9298 on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 08:39 am:

Anon - All I can think is that one day when you're older you'll wake and look back and think "how much more I could have had in life". That's very sad. I can't imagine living that way.

By Kym on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 08:46 am:

While I do think it's sad to stay in a marraige that is not fulfilling, I do think it is necessary for the kids, unless there is cheating, abuse or addiction in one of the parents. Adults can "fake it til they make it" and stay nice to one another, comitted to a happy family and be willing to get through the childhoods together for the sake of the kids. The key is getting along with eachother, and still making family life great, your marraige issues should be handled silently (even in good marraiges this is important). Children's time at home and being raised is really short, they need a tight complete family for the best shot at life. I just hope anyone living in this situation will explain to their children how important it is to not get married young, and discuss the issues that the anon above talks about, so the cycle does not repeat. I was raised in a divorced home, my dad was a cheater, abuser and a drunk my mom had no choice but to leave. I have really changed my opinion on this, for the longest time I thought I was "just fine" had a great, blessed and indulged childhood. As I grow and teach my kids about life, have bigger issues come up with them and my marraige I realize that Mom's or Dad's alone can't and shouldnt have to shoulder it alone. My mom did a great job, and I am sure there are single moms here that do, as well as single dads, but if it can be avoided I think it should.
So yes I'm sure it's very common and I think it's the best solution for the kids.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 08:52 am:

There is no cheating, abuse or addiction in our marriage, from either one of us. He is not a bad person, as I am not a bad person. We are just different. We did not get married until our late 20's. I do realize now, we did not talk about these important issues back then. We did talk a lot about issues, but not he ones we have problems with now. Simply put, we are just 2 different people who have 2 different needs, wants expectations in life. The sad thing is that he does not want to be separated. He states that he still loves me, and finds nothing wrong with our marriage.

By Kaye on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 09:14 am:

I think feelings like this in a marriage are normal. What isn't normal is to just give up. As Dr Phil says "is this owrking for you?" if it isn't what are you going to do to change it. I hate that our society has the mentality that the only option to change is to divorce and change hubbys. There are things you can do to build your marriage. You hubby thinks it is fine, so it will have to be you that changes. It should be horribly hard to say, I knwo you are happy, but I need more. I want us to do such and such. It is hard, emotionally and physically. I know several adults who stayed together for the kids and then seperated when the kids were 18-20. I will say that was very very very difficult for them. They just didn't understand why they couldn't keep keeping on.

I have been there, and still have days that I am there. My hubby is much more content than I am in this marriage. But I care for myself too much to settle for less than I want. So I am making steps to make this into the marriage I want. I know that it didn't fall apart over night, we didn't grow differently overnight, it will take time.

For example, I strongly feel we need to connect, to me that means we need to date more (i liked him when we dated). Now in my world, I have told him, I have cried, and what I really want is for him to plan some dates and take the initiative. Well he doesn't, he has a million reasons why he doesn't. But the bottom line is he doesn't. So I have two choices, the first and initially the one I want, is to "bow up" and just get more hurt. But the right choice is, if I want dates, then plan them. I hope that at some point he will take that first step, but I am not going to let HIM ruin what I want. It is settling in someways, but it has been so long.

My point it, at times in my marriage I have stayed for the kids. But I don't let it stop there, that really just isn't good enough. He is a good man, a good father. We do parent differently, but that is changing. I do 100 times mroe talking than he does, but I can see that most of the time it makes a difference. I will say the hardest part for me is now when he screws up it hurts me so much more because I put myself so out there. I also try to look at it from his view point, he LOVES me, truely no strings attached, isn't this what my vows said? So in some ways he is the better mate.

By Conni on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 10:59 am:

I think many problems can be worked out. I think its normal to go thru ups and downs. I think its normal to feel at times like 'I dont really want to do this right now'... But overall, you eventually get your good attitude back and you jump back into it and work on the issues at hand for that time in your life. There will ALWAYS be issues... If people say they dont have issues in their marraige/life they are either in denial or their dh isnt speaking up and saying what he really thinks at times, etc... No person and NO marraige is perfect. We all have room for improvement and all of our marraiges do too. It's work. Everyday it's work. When you get up in the morning you can choose to make it a good day and try your hardest or you can choose to have a crappy attitude and not try.

Life is all about choices.

By Unschoolmom on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 11:00 am:

I don't know what to say. Okay, yes I do.

Marriage is a lot of work. If what you're doing isn't working, get help. Find other strategies. You made a committment when you got married and it's not fair to you, your husband and most of all your kids, to resign yourself to the kind of marriage you're talking about.

It's absolutely damaging and unforgiveable for you to show your kids a loveless example of a marriage because you don't like change. After they leave you they'll have a good 50 or so years of personal relationships to sort through and your shining example of an empty marriage will be the framework with which they will build and shatter those relationships. Next time you look at them, think of that.

You don't have the choice you're proposing. If the kids are your prime concern, it shouldn't even be an option. Either you leave or you honour your commitment to your marriage. And since it's going to demand you do a lot of work in terms of councilling and reaching out to your husband before you earn the right to leave the marriage anyway, you might as well start that now and see if maybe there isn't a wonderful relationship to be found under all the dross afterall.

If this sounds unsympathetic, it's that most of us have been where you are. But at that point where despair and resignation crept in, most of us decided to roll up our sleeves and get down to work. And we got past it. And further, we'll likely all face it again. And when that happens, we'll work harder and come out stronger and better for it, whether it means ending a marriage or building it over again. What is so special about you that you get to choose to sit on the fence about this? What's so horrible and vile about your husband that he doesn't deserve either the commitment you made to him or freedom from a marriage you've given up on? And your kids? Gosh, what about them?

Since you're one of us you've got to be a creative, intelligent, caring, witty women. I have faith that you can do this and if you need help and resources, let us know. I'm sure most of us could give you some help and support in working through this. Because what you've described isn't a place you can be in and still, in any sense, be whole and content. It's a place you have to pass through and leave behind you.

By Cat on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 11:26 am:

I do think it's very common. One thing to think of though is this. If you stay married because of the children, are you going to seperate/divorce when all the children are gone? Or are you just going to stay because that's what you've done all these years and you're too old to change now? One of my very best friends when we lived in Montana has a little sister about 6 years younger than her. He sister graduated from high school when we were neighbors. As soon as her sister left for college her parents got a divorce. She had NO idea that they'd been unhappy for years. Both she and her sister had a lot of feeling of guilt to work out--knowing that their parents had stayed together for them (her mom told her that). It's been 10 years now and while my friend says it makes her happy that both her parents have found new people in their lives (both have remarried) I'm not sure she'll ever get over the fact that her parents were unhappy for years just to have an intact family at home for her and her sister. Staying together "for the children" isn't always the best option, imho. I do think every effort should be made to make it work. People deserve to be happy. You can't depend on someone else to 'make' you happy, but you can do things to make yourself happy. Trust someone that's had a VERY rocky ride over the past 14 years. We're still going through tough things, but we're working on them and we're working them out. Marriage is work. Even if you're married to your "soul-mate" or best friend. It's still work. Good luck and lots and lots of hugs to all you, anon.

By Boxzgrl on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 12:02 pm:

I don't think it's "common" but I do think it's more common than most people imagine. That doesn't make it right or okay though. One thing i've always promised myself in life is the luxury to look back 50 years from now and have no regrets. No regrets on trying minimal on making my marriage work, no regrets on choosing a career over staying home with my children since I have the choice, no regrets over not making myself happy. We live life only once, why fill it with such unhappiness? I want to live content through my golden years and the only way to do that is to try now and work at what's hard. Hard work pays off and that's not only in the workplace but in our personal lives as well. The decisions that are made today do impact the rest of your life.

By Christylee on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 12:09 pm:

My ex and I stayed together for years because of our son, finally we got so unhappy with each other and so NOT in love that we decided to split. It's been almost a year and we're the best of friends, there is no resentment, and we are happier separate than we ever were together. Our son sees his dad alot and talks to him every night before bed. Being a single mom isn't easy that is for sure but in the end you have to decide what's more important your happiness or working a little harder to make it? In the end we both choose happiness and I think our SON is happier because now he sees us being happier individually than we were together, that and he does more things with the both of us because of no expectations, etc....

I hope whatever happens is for the best.

By Beth on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 02:49 pm:

The only thing I have to add is. I think you better have a back up plan if these are your true feelings. Because your dh may decide one day that this isn't working for him. He has the resources to leave and it sounds like you don't. You need to do something to make sure that doesn't happen. Or at some point if you are truly miserable you don't continue to be stuck. I would have it hard but I know that I could finacially support myself if need be. Good Luck.

By Tayjar on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 05:47 pm:

I so agree with Beth. You need to go get some sort of schooling or training so you can stand on your own if he leaves. And honestly, I don't think it's if, it's when. It sounds like the kids are your only common interest right now. What happens when they are grown and gone?

I honestly don't think any relationship can survive when one person feels stuck. Resentment and bitterness will eventually destroy the relationship.

Good luck. I hope you figure out what to do before life passes you by.

By Tink on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 06:56 pm:

I think it's very common. My parents stayed together, even though we all knew they both wanted a divorce. My dad suddenly left when the youngest was a senior in high school. She was devastated since we all knew that they'd committed to staying together until we'd all left home. Luckily, my mother had gone back to school about eight years before and she was able to support herself and my sister. Since their divorce, I've heard over and over about parents that stuck it out "for the kids". Every child of one of the marriages has just wished that their parents would have split instead of drawing it out. The tension, the unhappiness, the disharmony can't ever be completely hidden. My personal opinion is that it is a bigger disservice to your children to show them that your unhappiness is acceptable, that the marriage you have chosen is all they can expect for themselves later in life. And I think the idea of sticking together "for the children" is a lie. You're sticking together because it's easier than figuring out how to be happy and successful on your own. It's easier to put up with the known than to deal with the unknown. Your children may be young now but what will you do when they are old enough to realize that your marriage is a sham? I'm very sorry that your marriage isn't all it can be but, as the child of parents that should have divorced, you probably aren't doing your kids any long-term favors by staying together, unless you think that it will improve in time.

By Crystal915 on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 07:19 pm:

It's common, but horrible. If you stay in a bad marriage, regardless of the reasons, you are setting that example for your children that marriage should be like that. I didn't think I could "afford" to be a single parent, but whether you go on Welfare, Food Stamps, whatever, you can do it. If you don't have family nearby, (I didn't) you can still do it with a little support from friends and relatives. If you are unhappy, and know you cannot save your marriage, at least start socking away money for yourself. I'm very glad my mom chose to get out of a bad marriage, because staying with my bio-dad would have set a bad example for me. Seeing her work hard (she had me at 18, no degree, worked her tail off to support us without a dime from my father), and knowing that I was always a priority to her, even if my bio-dad didn't care showed me a woman can be strong and secure on her own. When she married my (step) dad when I was 10, it showed me what a loving and mutually respectful marriage was about. Please shed the excuses, and think about the best choice for your children.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 07:37 pm:

First, no, you aren't going to change him and he isn't going to change you. But, you can change yourself. This is where I urge you to seek counseling.

Second, I don't believe staying together "for the sake of the children" is a good thing for the children. Yes, it gives them a two parent home and some financial security - until either you or your husband reach the breaking point, at which time you (either of you) are liable to say things that can be unsaid, which will provide poison for your future relationship as separated/divorced parents of your children and make cooperative parenting even more difficult. And, I think it is a terrible burden to put on your children - the reason you stayed in an unhappy marriage and stayed unhappy is because of them. I also think it gives them a very poor model of how to live their lives when they become adults.

I left a 19 year marriage and did the single mom route with boys of 9, 10 and 15. It wasn't easy. Sometimes it was very, very difficult. But I was much happier, much more at peace with myself and the world, and my boys look back and tell me they did fine. My ex was not / is not a bad person, there was no abuse of any kind, but we had grown so far apart we were nearing the point of saying the things you can't unsay. I will say, my ex was very good about paying the agreed upon child support, which is not all that common.

I agree with those who say, have a backup plan. Get some training, get some education, and get a job. One of the things that made it possible for me to end my marriage is that I had gone back to work a couple of years before, and discovered I had talents and abilities that I hadn't known I had.

I also think that if you are not happy or at least content with the life you are living, your children will know it. Depending on their ages, you may be able to fool them for a time, but eventually you won't. And when they are grown and go to college, you will have all those empty, unhappy years behind you, be that much older and that much less prepared to live an independent life, and may then find yourself left and being divorced.

I don't think we are "entitled" to happiness or contentment, because I think happiness and/or contentment is something we build within and for ourselves. Again, I urge you to seek counseling. Counseling will help you find out more about yourself, and what you really want in your life. If you want to change, counseling can help you learn what you want to change and make plans for changing.

It's up to you. But do look at the years ahead, and be sure of what you want to do. Nothing in life is easy - it all takes work ... marriage, relationships, living alone, single parenting ... they all take a lot of work and effort, all have their pluses and minuses, and each is fraught with potential ups and potential downs. In the end, *you* are responsible for your life and your happiness. You shouldn't depend on someone else to make you happy - that doesn't happen, even in the best of marriages. You have to choose whether to work at being happy in your marriage - which means you have to change you, not him - or finding a way to be happy and not married - which, again, means changing you. I can tell you, at age 67 now and having ended my marriage just about 20 years ago, that one thing I am grateful for is that I haven't spent the last 20 years (and won't spend the years left to me) thinking "if only".

By Anonymous on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 07:53 pm:

I haven't read all the responses (and who knows what number "Anon" I am), but I've been married for 8 years. For the past 3 years, I've been quite unhappy with my marriage. I thought I could last until my youngest child turned 18, but last summer, I came to the realization that I cannot do that. I am miserable and very unhappy. My husband is aware of this and we have decided to get a divorce. Sure it won't be easy on anyone, but I just can't be miserable anymore. So no, I wouldn't stay in a marriage just for the kids.

By Cocoabutter on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 - 10:13 pm:

I can't imagine being married to someone I don't want to be with.

All I can think is that one day when you're older you'll wake and look back and think "how much more I could have had in life".

That's all fine as long as there are no children in the marriage. The thing is, when you have kids, it's no longer about you or your happiness. You aren't entitled to happiness if it means that your chldren will come from a broken home. Your children depend on you to provide an intact home for them (as long as it is without physical abuse and/or substance abuse), and they deserve as much from you. You started out as an intact family, and it is the children who suffer when their parents choose not to see that commitment through. You owe it to your children to make your marriage work, really work.

When you look into the faces of your children, everytime they hug you, everytime they laugh, everytime they want their daddy and he is there for them, it just makes all that happiness that you may have given up meaningless in comparison. Let me ask you, if you were a child of divorce, would you want to take from them the memories of an intact home that you wish were there for you?

Even if you decide after the kids are up and out to get a divorce, the years you spent with him were most definitely not wasted. When you see the adults that your children will have become, you will get the feeling that in spite of all the sacrifices you may have endured and all the heartaches that you have stood up to, the decision you made years earlier will be reinforced, and was the right one. And you can be proud of that.

This is just the reason why we should take the time to be absolutelypositivelywithoutadoubt sure that we have the right guy before we take those vows. When we date, we should be thinking "Is this the guy that I want to be the daddy to my kids?" as well as "Is this the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with?" These days, the measure of compatability is much too shortsighted and superficial.

Other than that, ditto everything that Dawn (unschoolmom) said. I agree with Cori, that it isn't setting a good example for the kids if the marriage isn't a loving one. It's for that very reason that we owe it to the children to put forth the effort to make it a loving one.

I urge you to pick up the book "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and its companion workbook "Woman Power." In these books she teaches how we have the power to make our marriages happier. Feed the hand that feeds you.

A review by James Hirsen

Here is another review

and another one

Happiness is more than merely an emotion. It is an attitude.

By Crystal915 on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 12:36 am:

Lisa,
I firmly believe that staying because it is better to keep the kids in an intact home is crap. I think separating and having an amicable relationship for the children's sake is a much better idea. Yes, the children may come from a "broken home", but I'd rather raise children from a "broken home" than teach my kids that marriage is a sham, and your happiness isn't important.

By Cocoabutter on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 01:07 am:

Didn't realize that anyone else was on- I edited my post above.

I hope this doesn't turn into a debate, but we were asked our opinions. I feel as stongly about this as I do any other debate topic I have taken part in.

I was there. 3 years ago my marriage was in shambles. We were in debt and broke. We fought all the time, mostly about money. I walked on eggshells around dh. One little thing was all it took to set off an argument. I worked full time and never got any help around the house. In fact, it was guaranteed that when I got home, the house was in worse shape than when I left. The way things were going, he felt that his only obligation was to go to work at his job and bring home a paycheck. Until the money situation got better, he didn't feel obligated to put out any more effort than I was doing to help our marriage.

Finally, we got help. We sought counseling through our church (which we rarely atended.) A couple of elders came to our home and went through our bills and talked to us about how we relate to eachother. Dh said that this was a last resort- if this didn't work, he was out the door. But I was committed because I knew that I owed it to my son.

Our marriage has never been better. We are on our 16th year. we still have ups and downs, but the most important thing is to NEVER GIVE UP.

For the children's sake, if nothing else.

By Unschoolmom on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 07:50 am:

But it wasn't the children's sake that kept you guys together Lisa, it was a willingness to make it better. A concern for them motivated you but it was the work you did that kept you guys together.

I thik the idea the first poster was proposing was staying together without a relationship or any real attempt to make the marriage work. Something I think is extremely unfair to all involved and most of all, the kids.

By Anonymous on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 08:16 am:

I will say it is hard to judge people from posts until you have walked in their shoes. I agree with a lot of what Dr Phil states on marriage/divorce etc..In our marriage, my husband thinks their is nothing wrong, but there is. So I do realize I have to change myself. I have always known you can not change anybody except yourself.We have the big issues that we will never compromise on. As in a lot of marraiges, money is a big issue here.
He sees no purpose to start a savings plan for the kids and college. To him that is just a waste of money. He states if they want to go, they need to figure it out for themselves. Or, he often states my oldest should just join the military when he graduates from highschool(that is a long way off)so the military can provide schooling for him. I think college is a HUGE issue in a marriage. I want to be able to do what I can so my kids can go to college if they choose to do so. This is an issue(Maybe not important to most of you in your marriage)that we will not compromise on. I do not want my children joining the military. There is nothing wrong with it, if they choose to do so. BUT.... I do not think my husband should push them into it so he does not have to fork out money for college, because he rather spend his hard earned money on other stuff.
This is just one example.

By Debbie on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 08:44 am:

I do not believe in staying together for the kids. HOWEVER, I do believe, especially when there are dks involved, that you owe it to them to do everything within your power to make it work BEFORE you leave or decide to just stay in an unhappy marriage. My dh and I went through a very difficult time several years ago. We did talk about everything before we got married, but people grow and change. We went into counseling which helped us learn to communicate again. Our marriage is better then it has ever been. It is holding up through difficult times, now being one of them. Once you start butting heads, it is hard to stop, and listen, and try to compromise with someone. I would strongly urge counseling for you, and both of you, if your dh will go. My dh said he would never go to counseling, that he wouldn't air his dirty laundry to anyone. However, I told him that I was unhappy(like your dh, he was fine) and I would not stay in an unhappy marriage. He decided that he better swallow his pride and go to counseling. Counseling did not change us. However, it taught us how to communicate and make compromises. Marriage is so difficult and I think people give up way too easily. If you don't want to go to a counselor, Dr. Phil has some wonderful books on relationships.

I think if you try hard enough and are creative, there are ways to work everything out. As far as your example about saving for college, I don't know if your dks are all in school. But, when they are, how about getting a part time job and putting that money away for college?

By Debbie on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 08:51 am:

Oh, and I also wanted to add...Dh grew up in an unhappy home. His dad was unfaithful and a total jerk to his mom. She stayed, mainly for the dks. Dh has told me that he had no idea what a "real" home was like. He also told me he loved when we lived by my parents because it was so nice for him to have a model of a real marriage(all of this came out in counseling)

His parents have since worked on their problems and resolved them. Unfortunately, they didn't do it until their dks were grown. His parents didn't do dh or his sibling any favors by staying together, all of his siblings have major relationship issues.

By Christylee on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 08:59 am:

I grew up in home where my parents were unhappy, the FINALLY divorced when I was 22 and my youngest sister was about 8. She is now 16 and she has a MUCH DIFFERENT and BETTER life because our parents are HAPPY. Something I rarely if ever saw out of them, this was one of the main reasons that my ex and I decided to split. We worked on it yes but in the end didn't love each other and felt our son deserved to see his parents happy and not get the picture of an unhappy household. I've lived both now and I can say that staying in a unhappy marriage IS damaging to child/ren and in the end you all end up happier in not doing so.

By Anonymous on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 09:13 am:

I have put money into each of their accounts when I can. It will not be much money for college, but it is more then my husband is willing to do. Right after we got married, my husbands mother died. She left my husband and his sister 10,000$. At that time we had a baby on the way. I wanted my husband to invest that money, he did not want too. Honestly I can not even remember what he spent it on. I know he spent 1/2 the money on a car he was trying to build, and I "think" the other half went towards bills. Like I said, it was awhile ago. I know that it was not invested. I keep thinking if he invested it, we would have a nice savings now. I can not change the past. I know we live paycheck to paycheck. I still have one child at home, and I will not put that child in daycare. Any extra money I earn, I try to put a little of it in the children's savings account. My husband has no desire to do this for them. Does he take care of them now. Yes he takes care of them, we both make sure they are clothed and fed etc. He has no interest on helping financially in the future. This is sad to me.

By Karen~moderator on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 09:24 am:

"I do not believe in staying together for the kids. HOWEVER, I do believe, especially when there are dks involved, that you owe it to them to do everything within your power to make it work BEFORE you leave or decide to just stay in an unhappy marriage."

I was trying to think of how to respond to this thread, and Debbie has done it for me. That is just what I did. When it came down to it, I refused to stay in a marriage with a man who was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and who was sleeping with whoever caught his eye.

But speaking from experience, separations and divorces, no matter what the reason, are never, ever easy and without consequences and problems, particularly with the kids.

So....... start thinking about how you will deal with the fallout that will inevitably come.

By Kaye on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 09:37 am:

The issue in your marriage is NOT money, but how he is ignoring your desires. If saving for college is important to you, then he should at least have some respect of your wishes. I think there could be a great compromise. But you also aren't seeing his side. I don't know how he grew up, but I am betting that plays into how he handles money. Me for example, I suck at saving. I know why, I grew up where that is all we did, we saved where we could and worked hard to make ends meet. There were very few extras. Now all this was supposed to be so my parents could retire and live the life. My mom hated that it was always wait wait wait. There were many things she wanted to spend on, but they were being financially sound. Well she died and never got to spend a dime on fun. Now it was great that dad had money for the funeral and the hospital bills and he is now doing very well for himself. But still, I don't want to be the one that dies! Anyway, my point is, this is about communication and finding a middle ground. A marriage really isn't the place to stand your ground and not compromise. We don't save much for our kids education. We do have a plan. I will work to help out, our retirement plan will be well established and we can back down on that. Plus we will have 3 in college at the same time, so we qualify for grants and LOANS. Hoping they will get scholarships also. Yes we plan on footing the bill, but we may borrow money to do so.

What is sad to me is that you have just quit. Find some good qualities in your dh and work together, be a team.

As far as staying for the kids, on dr phil yesterday he said "children are better off being from a broken home, than living in one". I thought that was great. Now I am not an advocate of divorce, I think you can make your home not broken if you are willing to work hard.

By Anonymous on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 09:59 am:

I can not change my husband when it comes to money. His parents never paid for his college, I do not know what they did, (If they did)pay for the younger sister to go to college. My parents footed the bill for all 3 of us to go to college.When I was 10, my mother went back to work fulltime. I suppose her and my dad saved a lot of money. I know they had investments as well. My parents did spend their money on fun things, they traveled 2 times a year and bought other things. I feel like my husband just wants to give up on them financially once they graduate from highschool. This is so different on how I feel. I do not want any of my children to be bums.I am trying to raise them to be the best they can be and to be responsibile adults. I teach them about the value of a dollar, and teach them what hard work will bring to them.
Yes, I suppose I have called it quits in my mind. Because I walk around here with a smile on my face, being happy and loving to my kids, he thinks everything is AOK.
I am trying to have my ducks in a row(So to speak)so if we ever really split up, I am prepared.

By Debbie on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 10:20 am:

I don't know what your other problems are, but having differences of opinion on saving money for college just doesn't seem like a reason to be so unhappy with your dh. Like Kaye said, it has to be more then that. Have you ever sat down with your dh and talked about how unhappy you are? If not, you are being very unfair to him. I really think you are taking the easy way out. And I say this because I was doing the exact same thing. I was unhappy and finding fault with everything my dh did and blaming our problems on the fact that we saw things differently. But, I wasn't doing anything myself to make the situation better. It is very easy to sit back and just be unhappy and blame someone else. It takes a lot to face your problems and work with your dh to fix them. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I really feel for your dks growing up in a home where their mom is so unhappy. It does effect you, and your relationships with others, even your children. It is like you have just given up on life and being happy, that is a really hard way to live.

By Conni on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 11:35 am:

Saving for college???? My ex doesnt have any money put back for our kids. Oh and btw, once you get divorced you have to deal with your then EX the rest of your life. You have to work EVEN HARDER to communicate about the things since you are then raising kids in two households. It can be a royal pitb and sometimes I wish I had just stuck it out with my first husband.

My dss(23 now) had alot of his college paid for thru scholarships, my dh paid for the rest. The kid had a FREE ride. College paid for, great truck paid for, Mama paid for insurance and gave him gas card and credit card for food, etc... Dad gave him cash for spending money. yadda yadda... What did he do- he flunked several classes had to change his major, he dropped out for the last 1.5 yrs. Got depressed because Daddy wasnt giving him *enough* and Mom's noyfriend got tired of paying for the credit cards he kept running up. Kid had to get a full time job with benefits because Dad took him off med/den ins, and NOW is finally going to get back into school this summer.... aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh Which means we get to start paying for his school again since he has NO scholarships at all now after dropping out.

Let your kids know you will help them in every you way you. BUT for goodness sakes make them work to earn some scholarships and pay for their school. Make them work part time or full time in Summer and pay for their own gas/food... Whatever! But dont think for one minute that your kids wont turn out to be bums if you give them a FREE RIDE and pay for it all for them. Because it can happen. ;) I have sat back and watched it for the last 8yrs.

By Crystal915 on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 11:49 am:

I'll agree that it is important to give it your all. This is a sensitive topic for me, not only because DH and I have been divorced, but my close friend is in the midst of one. She came here in Sept to make things work, and her DH didn't change his ways. It's destroying their 4 year old, she's going to need therapy after the hell she's been through. She gave it her all, but her husband would not. So, barring abuse or infidelity (both involved in mine and her divorce) you SHOULD give it your best... but when you are sure it's not going to work, staying for the kids is not healthy.

By Tink on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 11:59 am:

Absolutely ditto Conni. I was that free-ride bum, like Conni's dss. *blushing* If that is the biggest issue in your marriage (and college savings are that important), go to work during the schoolday and put your earnings into a savings account for your dks. Really, there are compromises to this particular situation but if you've given up, there's no point in going over it with us.

"Because I walk around here with a smile on my face, being happy and loving to my kids, he thinks everything is AOK." You are choosing to let him accept this marriage and your unhappiness because you are accepting it.

Honestly, this thread makes me really angry but that's coming from my experience as a child of what should have been a broken home. If you can live like this (and your dh can), then you need to look deep into your heart and make absolutely 100% sure that this isn't going to come up in the future and that your children aren't going to be devastated that their parents' marriage was a sham. Make sure that they never find out that they were the sole reason you continued to stay married to their father. *That* is an awful responsibility for a child to carry on their shoulders. I don't agree with it, I think it's unfair to you, your dh, and your children, now and in the long-term, especially since neither of you is willing to change or work on compromising.

By Anonymous on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 12:56 pm:

I haven't read any of the above responses, but I see so many posts on here about people in unhappy marriages. I was in a 6 year relationship that I was very unhappy in and I tried so hard to make positive changes and I tried to convince my partner to go for counseling but it was like talking to a brick wall. I didn't know what else to do so I left.

After I left I went through an extremely difficult time and I vowed never to be in a relationship like that again.

I was sitting up watching late night television and a woman named Dr. Ellen Kreidman came on the air and talked about her program "Light Her Fire/Light His Fire". It was a taped series on how to save a relationship when you're on the brink of divorce. I felt a little silly ordering it because after all I was single. But I did anyway. I listened to the tapes and realized that there was plenty I could have done to save my previous relationship, because it's not about how your spouse/partner relates to you but about how you relate to them. You cannot change someone but when you change the way you treat them they naturally treat you differently as well.

When I was in a relationship again, things were rocky in the beginning as we were getting to know each other. He was just out of a relationship and I didn't want to be rebound girl. So I started listening to the tapes on my train commute into the city. I did not tell my partner I was listening to them. I thought I would do a little experiment. I applied the principles of the tape to my relationship and it was astounding at how well he responded. Granted we were not married, we did not have a long history, there was not a lot of pent up resentment there were just some bugs to work out.

There were little expecises to do each day to make your partner feel loved, or respected, or special.

After my little experiment I told my partner what I had done and he was surprised but impressed and he listened to the male version of the tapes. It really made a difference in how we relate to one another. For some reason I still have the male version of the tapes but have lost the female version, I think I lent them to a friend that is no longer in my life. When I bought the tapes you had to buy them together, both male and female, you can now buy them seperately on-line. They are about $100.

I just wanted to share this story because they made a huge difference in my life and turned things around for me. I often think about buying another set when things get a little out of whack here.

Here is the link if you are interested.

Dr. Ellen Kreidman

By Unschoolmom on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 01:39 pm:

"Yes, I suppose I have called it quits in my mind. Because I walk around here with a smile on my face, being happy and loving to my kids, he thinks everything is AOK."

????

Then please stop telling us about your husband.
You've given up. You haven't let him know how you feel. You have effectively misled him about the marriage. I think this isn't even an issue of doing nothing because all of the above is effectively a great way to sabotage a relationship.

But college funds? You're talking about ensuring your childrens' academic future and letting that one thing fester so much that it's jeopardizing their family and emotional lives?? If you were building a house you'd be worrying about the colour of the shingles while walking around and swinging an axe at the framing.

I wish I could come over and give you a hug and a good cup of tea because you really need some help. Start researching and reading some good relationship books. Stop dwelling on the reasons your marriage doesn't work for you and start looking for ways to fix it.

By Reeciecup on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 02:51 pm:

Dawn, You go girl!!! I love the house analogy.

By Kim on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 03:38 pm:

Ohhhhh, anon, Conni is soooo right. You HAVE to deal with it when you divorce anyway. ANd it gets even harder.

I don't think the ladies are being mean, they just want you to get up and do something. I agree.

We are here for you.

By Crystal915 on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 03:51 pm:

There are ways to pay for college with Pell grants and such if that's an issue. Ditto Kim, no one here (myself included) is trying to be mean, but we're telling you the experiences we've had as children and as partners in a bad marriage. We are always here for you, and I just want you to know you CAN do it, no matter what you think. Best of luck to you and your family, I hope things work out in a positive manner for all of you, regardless of what that outcome may be.

By Anonymous on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 04:26 pm:

I never said anybody was mean on here? hmmm where did that come from?
Anyways, the money for college is just one issue, there are plenty of them.
Thank you all for your words of wisdom, most of this is stuff I have thought about over and over again.
Even though I say I put on a happy face when I am home, does not mean my husband does not know how I feel. He knows exactly how I feel. I realize on message boards like this, sometimes things are taken out of context.
Again, thank you for all your thoughts and ideas.

By Pamt on Thursday, March 2, 2006 - 08:13 pm:

In answer to the original question, I think it is very common. I would even wager to say that about 70-80% of married couples are together out of habit and wouldn't say that their marriage is good, much less great. I find that to be really, really sad. Marriage is something that isn't great every day, but can be wonderful overall if you WORK at it.

First some statistics:
These are from my DH's "Youthworker Journal" (Jan/Feb 2006), but originally came from "Time", 10/24/05.

*adults with amicably divorced parents who find life stressful: 52%
*adults whose parents have unhappy but low-conflict marriages who find life stressful: 35%
*adults with amicably divorced parents who say that they always felt like adults even as children: 51%
*adults with amicably divorced parents who reported feeling like outsiders in their own homes: 30%
*adults whose parents have unhappy but low-conflict marriages who reported feeling like outsiders in their own homes: 17%

Interpret those as you will.

I'm not going to give advice, but I do want to point out that you seem very apathetic about your marriage. I think that to even consider divorce without doing EVERYTHING humanly possible to try and not only save your marriage, but even make it a great marriage, should be a crime. You don't give any indication that you have read any good relationship books, gone to counseling, talked with a minister, etc. The one issue you have mentioned is really not a biggie. Obviously there are underlying thoughts/emotions/behaviors about finances that are tied into it, but those can so easily be discovered and dealt with. There is a happy medium on that issue (and the others, whatever they may be) that you and your DH can come to. I would also be willing to bet that there is really one (or maybe two) central issues at the crux of all the little irritating problems.

Why did you get married? What was it about your DH that initially attracted you? Maybe it's time to rediscover that and work with an objective 3rd party on the other stuff.