Heidi, how's everything?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive February 2006:
Heidi, how's everything?
Hi Heidi. Just wondering if Connor is feeling better this week. I hope he's doing a lot better.
Hope you're okay, too. I worry about you! I know you are very busy, so it's okay if you can't answer for awhile. Just wanted you to know you and Connor are in my thoughts.
Take care.
Nikki
It's been hard. Very hard... I'll write more at lunch time when Connor's down for a nap. 
Thanks for asking...
Between having to help mom walk to the bathroom, change her diapers, change Connor's diapers (which he rarely is letting me these days), and bathing the both of them...it's hard. Physically, and mentally. I find myself getting short with both of them, and our dog since I have to take her out to go potty 5 times a day, and it's just not bringing out the best in me.
I find myself crying at night, just missing Scott and getting angry that he even signed up for the army in the first place. I find myself asking questions like "If he only could have created more options for himself", etc etc etc.
Woulda, shoulda, coulda...it's just downright hard. And, crying to him never helps my situation. He just gets defensive and wants to "fix" things, rather than just saying "I'm so sorry, sweetie. That just plain sucks." Just to empathize, you know? It's just hard to keep a marriage, care for a parent, and care for your child. And, it's not like I can go cry to my mom. My best friend lives in Colorado and my husband is not always available. I find myself calling my dad, which sometimes helps. Our relationship is growing, for sure.
I just want 24 hours where no one needs anything from me and *I* can decide what is going to happen in my day.
Scott is able to come home this weekend, but I'm honestly too tired to even care for him too. I used to cook these great meals, but I'm *exhausted*. I'm sure he'll be disappointed things have changed.
I hate whining too though. I have always been very independent and so this puts me in a position to be dependent on others to "save" me from insanity. That, in and of itself, makes me go insane! 
All in all...it's just difficult and I don't wish this situation on any one person. I'm enjoying my time with the 2 of them, but at the same time, I don't think anyone realizes just how hard it is.
Alright...I'm going to go cry again!!!
Heidi, I hope you don't find this offensive at all, but does your mom have any type of insurance or government assistance that you would be able to have someone come in and help care for her?? It doesn't sound like she is anywhere close to needing a nursing home, but they do have visiting nurses and such that could come in and give you some time off. It might be worth looking into if she has some type of insurance plan?? It has to be hard.
Heidi, I had a feeling it might not be going well. I was just hoping you were too busy to post.
I wish we could all give you a hug and send you somewhere, your favorite place, to rest, read, soak, whatever you wish! And while you are gone we could care for everyone, do the laundry, cook a bunch of meals, clean. I'd be over in a heartbeat. Lara would love playing with Connor.
I understand the changing thing. And I only have one little one. We have cats that use the litter pan. Sometimes I get so tired of the smell and mess. And Lara went through that stage of not letting me change her. It was just before she started showing interest in toilet training. We still go through it at times if she has an accident in her pull-ups. I ask my husband, "why must it be so difficult? I just want to change her and make her feel better". She used to hold on to that wet diaper like it was part of her! I imagine it might have to do with the independent stage? Regardless, my heart goes out to you. I usually tried to change Lara when she was too engrossed in a program or playing and wouldn't notice.
My husband's father had Parkinson's. Towards the end he needed to be changed, etc. His wife tried so hard to do it all on her own. She asked my husband for help, but he had such a hard time dealing with changing his dad, cleaning up the messes. She was able to get some outside help.
You know, I think your husband is going to be so very happy to see you that he won't care about dinner or in any way be disappointed. And he knows you are spread so thin these days. Maybe he'll feel good being to help and give you a break.
I wish I could come up with some answers for you! I'm not as resourceful as some of the wise mom's here. Just know I care and I wish I could give you a hug and just let you cry.
Love, Nicki
P.S. My husband's the same way. I just want to talk and he wants to problem solve! He gets upset because he can't fix it all, and I get upset because I just want him to hug me and tell me "it will be okay." (I don't know your husband, but I wonder if he is asking himself the same questions in regards to joining the army. Maybe he feels like he's let you and Connor down? I know my husband might feel this way, and instead of saying that, it would come out as anger, mostly at himself.) And it's hard not being able to talk to mom. I can't go to mine, either. Please know you can e-mail me anytime. I may not have answers, but I can listen. Okay?
(((((Hugs Heidi)))))
I am glad your dh is going to make it home this weekend. That will be great!! He can change Connor while you change your Mom. The Dualing Diaper Changing Duo?! Wellll, you just have to laugh sometimes, ya know.
OK, my Grandad (87) is living with my parents now and they act like they are exhausted when I talk to them. I know its trying and tiring. They are not afraid to ask my Dad's siblings to take Grandad so they can have a break. They have brought him to my house before too just for the day. We have so many stairs/steps here that I just dont feel like he is safe. I would croak if he fell and broke a hip while he was here.
It's OK to be tired and admit it. It's OK to ask for help. I like Vicki idea of looking into a nurses aide or a nurse that can stop by and care for your Mom a couple of days a week. Do you have some safety equipment that you are using? A back brace would be good too... You be careful and take care of YOU or else you wont be able to take care of anyone!
I'll keep you in my prayers.
BTW- my dh is the same way. I would tell him what was bothering me just to vent and he would come across defensive or trying to fix it. Ugh I finally had to tell him 'Look Buddy, I just need you to let me vent, then I need you to give me a hug and tell me everything will be OKaayyyyy'. I am FEMALE. After almost 7 yrs he is finally *getting* that I dont need him to fix my problem. I just want to whine for a minute and then go on w/my day. ha
My husband told me once that he doesn't understand a woman's need to "talk things out". He said if he has a problem he either fixes it, or does something to get his mind off of it. He said talking about it only makes him more upset.
It's a wonder to me that men and women can live together sometimes!
Heidi, can you tell your husband that you just want him to listen and be sympathetic, and not start proposing solutions.
I am a "problem solver" person, and I am always looking for ways to "fix" things. It took me a long, long time to learn that sometimes people don't want a solution, they want a sympathetic listener. Another thing I learned (and you might try to convey this to your dh) is that when I started offering solutions to someone with a problem, sometimes I came across like I thought that person wasn't smart enough to think of solutions, and I was showing off how smart I was to offer fixes. And that's true - I know sometimes when I have just wanted sympathy and someone else offers solutions, at the back of my mind I have a bit of a feeling that the other person must think I'm stupid to not have seen the solutions they are offering.
Heidi, right now you have the worst of several worlds, and I for one would expect that sometimes you just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers up, and cry.
And while I don't want to be offering fixes you haven't asked for, is there any kind of social service office connected to your husband's base? Or your mom's doctor's office? One of the things I had to learn the hard way was to swallow my pride and ask for help - and it is wonderful to see how many people want to help if they know there is a need. I know, it is hard to ask for help, especially when you feel that you are asking people to go out of their way and you can't possibly repay them any time in the near future. But a lot of people really do want to and enjoy helping, if they can do one concrete thing for your situation. It's really hard, given all the demands on you, to even have the time to sit down and think about what kinds of help you might need, let alone who to ask, but honestly, I think you and mom and your children will be better off in the long run if you make some desperate phone calls and try to get some help.
{{{Heidi}}} Ditto, everyone else above. I am one that has a hard time asking for help, so I know how that feels. But, you just have too much to deal with right now.
As far as your dh, mine is the same way. I think most men are this way, they have this urge to fix everything.
Hang in there. I will be thinking of you. Vent here anytime you want, that is what we are here for.
Thanks, Debbie, Nicki, Ginny, Connie, and Vicki...do you all realize that all of our names pretty much rhyme? When Connor says our dog's name, Barley, he says "eeee"! So, Connor also says "Thanks, eeeee!"
To answer your questions...
I've just been trying to do the every day type stuff, but I am going to call the office on aging. The only problem that I'm running into is that my mom gets social security ($500) and that's paying for the mortgage on the house that she used to occupy in West Virginia. As soon as the house sells, we can concentrate on getting more help. Otherwise, we are out that money once they find out she lives with me.
My neighbors are awesome though...one of them is actually going to bring my mom to my brother's house that's 2.5 hours away. She's going that way tomorrow anyway, to see her daughter at college, and offered to take her so I wouldn't have to pack up my toddler and my mom and torture my child with that much driving. As some of you well know, a half hour is major torture to him.
And, I actually wrote a "wish list" of things I would love done. I sent it to my hubby and asked if he would send it to one of my neighbors to round up people who could do different things. ie, walk my dog...watch Connor for a few hours, etc. I figured I sent out a care package list for him...the least he could do for me is send out a "wish list" for me too. :-)
I just don't want to call someone up and say "Hey, could you watch Connor...yadda yadda, yadda". I want it to be more voluntary than anything. I *hate* putting people on the spot.
So...I have a neighbor who is picking up Barley's "yard presents" once a week, another who is walking her, and 2 others who voluteered to watch Connor, starting next week.
I will keep y'all posted on my mom's situation though. And, Ginny, I did get your email...I need to finish reading it. You offered some sound advice so far...as usual!
And, thanks, Nicki for your sincere understanding. It's hard to be the perfect mom and daughter at the same time.
And, I'm glad I'm not the only one with a hubby who likes to "fix" things!
{{{Heidi}}}
Are you guys in a church? I know you haven't been there too long, so maybe not, but if so, this is the perfect opportunity for the church to be the church. When we were moving from Missouri to Louisiana DH moved down a month before the boys and I did. I had a group of 5 guys appear on my porch one morning and tell me that I had them for the day to do yard work, then a couple of women came as we were packing and said that they were here to clean the house---armed with their own supplies. They cleaned and then hugged us and said, "We'll leave you alone so you can say good-bye to your house." Awesome, awesome people! Sounds like you have some already, but don't be afraid to ask for what you need. Most people are happy to help, but often won't volunteer because thyey don't want to offend or imply that you can't handle it by yourself. Hang in there and have an awesome weekend!!
Heidi, not much I can add other than (((hugs))), take care of yourself!
Heidi, I'm confused about what you say about the money issues. If your mom is over 65, any Social Security she gets is hers, no matter what her financial or living situation. If she is under 65 and this is SS Disability, I don't know the rules. But, I suspect you could find someone through AARP who does know the rules. It doesn't make sense to me that she might lose some money because she lives with you or because she has a house in West Virginia, if it is Social Security money in either category.
Heidi, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Its got to be exhausting and I hope I never have to be in your shoes. Please come vent here anytime! I wish there was something I could do to help you!
Glad to hear you may be getting alot of help lined up!
My bil is mentally ill and gets ss disability. He doesnt lose his money if he lives with us. He shares a house right now with an older man and he pays that guy rent. If anything, I would think you could say that she is paying you rent or paying for her care???
Hope today is a GREAT day for you!!! (((( HUGS))) Does Scott get home tonight?
Heidi, I was going to offer much of the same suggestions that Ginny has.
I have an idea how hard it is for you, it's never easy caring for a sick parent, and you have the added stress/work of caring for a young child AND virtually being a single parent right now.
I'm so sorry you are so overwhelmed. You NEED some *me* time. Time for yourself. Even if it's just to sit and stare at the sky. Down time. Again, I agree with Ginny, your mom *should* qualify for something, even if she's not over 65, she is disabled.
You need someone to come in to your home and take some of the burden off your shoulders, and I don't mean *burden* in a negative way. You are burning the candle at both ends, and you will burn out quickly if you can't have some relief.
Pam has a good suggestion also. And as much as you don't want to ask for help - and I totally understand that, because *I* have the same problem - the fact is, you NEED some help, and I would venture to say that none of your friends or neighbors would deny you if you asked.
Hang in there, Heidi!
{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{Hugs}}}} It sounds like you have wonderful neighbors! What a blessing. Ditto the others. Most would be thrilled to help, but may not know specifically what to do. The wish list was a great idea. Just think, some day you will look back on this time in your life and be thoroughly amazed that you survived! You will be very proud of yourself, just as we are very proud of you now. Have a great weekend!
Ditto Michele!
Hugs to you and Connor. Have a great weekend!
Thanks, everyone! Yes, he's getting here at around 8pm...I'm SO excited and nervous at the same time!
Ginny, my brother told me that if she lived with me, the ss would be cut off since she is only 60 years old. BUT, maybe things have changed since he's looked into it. Social Security is a stickler for those under 65 and in family member's care. He told me to tell them that she is paying me "rent" and that she lives downstairs in her own apartment.
Which, is true. But, I will call the Office on Aging to ask them too.
I either want help every day, or she needs to be in a some sort of home that helps her get to the bathroom, etc. She can't walk well at all.
(((hugs))). I have you in my thoughts and prayers. I know it seems like "when it rains it pours" but hang in there. You will be blessed for all that you are doing.
|
Members
