My dd who is thirteen wants to have her hair colored. Not highlights or foils but a totally different color. I am reluctant to let her do this, she has such a beautiful shade of hair. It's like a dark blonde color. She wants to go red or black. There are all sorts of things to consider, such as upkeep, damage to her hair, cost, etc... I've tried to convince to go with highlights or foils, she has had highlights before and they were pretty. I've also thought about a semipermanent coloring. I'm a cashier at the high school and see girls that have colored their hair and not kept it up for whatever reason they look like skunks now with the two tone hair. What do you all think? Last weekend she was nagging the crap out of me till I said we'd do it and now i am having second thoughts. Guess I should be glad it's not a pericing she wants instead...like that would ever happen. I might feel differently about this if she were a few years older, but she just turned thirteen in October. Guess it's the age, perms were all the rage when I was in school. Any advice?? I need some before i pull "my" hair out!!!

By Missbookworm on Saturday, February 11, 2006 - 04:48 pm:

Well I would let my child do it if it was me. Really it's just a hair colour.

I guess though it would depend on whether they'd have to strip her hair and the like to colour it. Eventually no matter how it "looks" for a while if the upkeep of it isn't kept it will grow out again! I'd probably say if you can pay for it yourself or do things around the house to earn the money it will cost me to pay for it THEN you can do it. I know hair colouring especially at a salon can be quite expensive, maybe in the time it will take her to raise the money (if she doesn't have it already) she will change her mind?

I imagine I'll have to deal with this sooner or later but my daughter is only 6 and my son at 14 hasn't asked to do anything like this to his hair yet.

I used to do some crazy things to my hair when I was younger and it survived and so did my mom although a couple of times I thought she was going to die lol

Good luck!

By Kaye on Saturday, February 11, 2006 - 05:59 pm:

I would let her just do it too. I had purple hair for a brief while. My parents didn't love it, but it was temporary. When I was done with it, I dyed it back to it's normal color and the "skunk" look goes away. What you do need to tell her is very simply, if this isn't something she likes, because she is blond her options may be limited. You could bleach it all back out, which may or may not work great, or she may have to to cut it short so it doesn't look so silly. Just make sure she knows what her choices are. But really it is hair, it will grow back

By Cybermommyx4 on Saturday, February 11, 2006 - 06:12 pm:

My DD is turning 15 in a few weeks. She, too, has a BEAUTIFUL shade of hair (click on profile to see - although it's a few years outdated, lol!) She has been coloring her hair since 8th grade...first she put blue on the bottom. Then, red highlights. Then, she dyed it black. Then back to blonde. Then added purple streaks. Now, it's black with red underneath. I think it's one of those "pick your battles" things...DD is a wonderful, kind, girl. She is active in sports and tries hard in school. She is kind to her brothers. She TALKS to us. She is anti-drug and anti-drinking. So, a few eccentric outfits and some weird-looking hair are things we feel we can live with. The hair colors (even permanent ones) only last 6-8 weeks at the most, and you can have DD agree to color it back to "normal" if it starts to look "skunky" or if you have a special occasion coming up. It IS *only* hair, after all. I know how hard it is to compromise with teens, but it means so much to them! Good luck

By Karen~moderator on Saturday, February 11, 2006 - 06:25 pm:

I'm with Wendy, pick your battles. The hair thing is a *minor* battle for me. Tattoos, piercings, drug, alcohol, sex - those were the things I worried most about, not necessarily in that order.

Of course, if she's coloring her hair and you have it done in a salon, that starts to get expensive. If she (or you) is going to do it at home, it's much more reasonable financially to keep up the roots, etc.

My feeling about the hair was, it would grow out or it could be cut. I've come home in the past to find Jeff with blue hair, and both Jeff and Jen had green hair when I returned home from being out of town once. Jules had purple and pink in her hair. Jules also did the bleach thing in high school. She was a natural blonde that had darkened, and she and her friend bleached their hair, Marilyn Monroe blond! LOL

If it's affordable, I'd let her do it.

By Mrsheidi on Saturday, February 11, 2006 - 06:32 pm:

In high school, I shaved the bottom part of my hair. I wished I hadn't. It's way too thick now.
I'm not sure about the damage to the hair, but maybe consult with a salon stylist and get their opinion.
Why does she want to do this? Are there any less permanent options? I wish people would have talked me out of my teenage decisions, but some have to learn the hard way.

By Unschoolmom on Saturday, February 11, 2006 - 07:12 pm:

Pssssst! Kelly...It grows back in the original colour! Trust me, I've got the roots to prove it!



Let her do it...It's just fun.

By Mom2three1968 on Saturday, February 11, 2006 - 07:56 pm:

I know it's silly, she is a very good girl, no interest in sex, piercings, foul language, tough crowds, (thank god!). I am nuts over it I know but her hair is so beautiful, she is a dirty blond color with several different shades in it. I am just worried that once we start this that beautiful hair that she has will go away and we will never be able to recapture her true color. Does anyone see what I mean?? And I don't want to do it at home because I'm afraid of a disaster. I was willing to compromise but didn't want her to change the color entirely, at least not until she's older and can understand the consequences.

By Luvn29 on Saturday, February 11, 2006 - 09:47 pm:

You know what? If you feel that strongly about it, then don't let her do it. Tell her you'll compromise, but that's it. And if she doesn't want to meet you half way, then she'll just have to deal with her own stubborness. You are the parent, and you have the final say on this.

I know my parents would have never allowed this at such a young age. I never even considered it. And my dd is only nine, but my feelings as of now have me saying, nope, she's not going to mess around with her hair at such an early age.

I know we have to choose our battles, but this is one of those I'll choose. I don't want to step on any toes, but it drives me insane when I see a young kid with dyed jet black hair, black lipstick, etc. And the excuse is the children are expressing themselves. Well, I feel there are other ways to actually express themselves in better ways.

This is one of those things every mother has to decide for herself. You have to decide how strongly you really feel about this.

By Cocoabutter on Saturday, February 11, 2006 - 10:04 pm:

I don't have a teenager or a dd, so you may disregard my response and I won't be offended.

I would allow her to do it on the condition that she doesn't get some wacky color and that it looks respectable.

This could be a slippery slope. You allow her to get it now, and allow her to choose whatever color she wants, she may decide to get it colored orange when she's older just cuz she can. Make sure that she understands that her hair color should not have an impact on her self-worth. Is she wanting this b/c she thinks it would be fun, or because she wants to be liked and noticed? Self-esteem and self-worth are so important at this age.

By Dawnk777 on Saturday, February 11, 2006 - 11:35 pm:

I think I would probably let her do it. One of Emily's classmates has been experimenting with different hair colors herself! I'm of the opinion that her God-give hair was a nice color, but who am I to say? She dyed it black for a while! It just didn't look right! LOL!

My kids haven't ever asked to have their hair colored. I'm the one who thinks it might be fun to have my hair foiled!

On my dog board, there is a 15yo who likes purple hair! It looks cute on her, too! Then she wore a purple dress to her homecoming dance. It all worked well together!

By Reds9298 on Sunday, February 12, 2006 - 08:31 am:

I agree with Adena. If you feel strongly about it, don't. And coloring (at least at the salon) isn't cheap. I would make her pay for it.

Personally, I wouldn't let her, but I don't have a teenager yet! I think being happy and proud of the way you look as "you" is important. Our society as a whole is so hung up (and I'm guilty,too!) on how we look. Clothes, hair, jewelry, cars. That's the way I'm looking at it anyway.

By My2girlygirls on Sunday, February 12, 2006 - 09:22 am:

Why not compromise and let her get chunky streaks of the darker color. Do it in semi-permanent so it will only last about 4-6 weeks and gradually fade out. If she finds that she really likes the color then you can let her do the whole head.

By Kim on Sunday, February 12, 2006 - 09:47 am:

I let Kristi colour hers at 13. I did sooo many crazy things to my hair as a teen! I agree with Karen, pick your battles. Anyway, we got the dye at the store and it was red, but it turned out blood red. OOPS! I liked it but it was a little dramatic. I had no idea the school had rules and they told her to not come back to school until it was gone! We bleached her hair several times, ugh, what a mess! But I am getting off topic. Maybe get semi-perm colour? Or have her agree that she has to be responsible in some way in order for you to agree? Like she has to do her chores without complaining or keep her room up or something. It will grow out and a lot of kids do it behind their parents'backs anyway. At least she is asking you first! There are a lot of good suggestions above!

By Karen~moderator on Sunday, February 12, 2006 - 10:06 am:

It will grow out and a lot of kids do it behind their parents'backs anyway.

That's what happened here, my kids did it when I was out of town. At first I was shocked, but I got over it. It *was* an expression, it was a form of exerting their not-yet-earned independence, it was something they felt they had control over. And for me, after the initial shock, it was a minor thing. When they want to do something like that, something you think is ridiculous and stupid, often, once they are allowed to do so, the novelty wears off, they've done it once, and that particular fascination/desire is over with. Jeff also went through a Billy Idol phase in 8th grade. Short spikey and BLONDE. Once it actually came out this apricot color. It passed. We all lived through it. I had actually gotten to the point with the Billy Idol blonde that *I* did his hair color, at least I knew some other kid wasn't going to totally fry his hair off that way.

We went through the same thing with the bottom part of the boys' heads shaved with lightning bolts, etc. I finally let Jeff do it - once - and when it grew out (in maybe 3 weeks!), he never asked again.

Jules, who had THE most gorgeous long, thick, naturally dark blonde hair, shaved the lower, back part of hers. Why, I'll never know. It took years, but it grew back.

Altering hair is a minor thing. Of course, if you are seriously opposed to them doing it, or your school has rules about colored hair, then that's another issue. But for me, it was the *least important* battle.

We all have to make our own decisions in these things, and the fact is, your kids have to live with YOUR decision, as their parent. I'll just say this - be prepared and have consequences in mind *if* your child does it behind your back and comes home with dramatically altered hair color.

By Trina~moderator on Sunday, February 12, 2006 - 10:58 am:

Although I agree this is one of those small battles, but if I were in your shoes I think I'd have my best friend, who happens to be a hairstylist, talk with my child about the pros and cons of coloring and give them all their options. At least then they will be able to make an educated choice. Perhaps the choice of NOT doing it. LOL! I think I would also encourage them to have it professionally done (by my best friend) so that it would be less likely to be damaging.

Good luck! Let us know how things turn out.

By Conni on Sunday, February 12, 2006 - 11:13 am:

If it were my ds I'd insist on coloring it for him. *evil grin* He'd lose interest after that thought. lol I dont mind my kids getting a hi-lite once or twice in the yr. But that's it. Their Dad would be pretty angry if I let them color all of it.

By Colette on Sunday, February 12, 2006 - 11:19 am:

No, I would not let my 13yr old color her hair. I wouldn't make it a battle, I would just say "no" and that would be the end of that. In addition to potentially ruining her hair, I do not like 13yr olds trying to look like 17yr olds.

By Tink on Sunday, February 12, 2006 - 01:18 pm:

I don't think I'd let my dd do it either. Yes, it's expressing herself and it's only hair but I think it's also growing up too fast and, personally, I don't think it's as easy as just growing it back out. It takes a LONG time for hair to grow that much and it isn't all that easy to just dye it back. My 8yo has light brown (dark dishwater) hair and, while I would never say so to her, it's not an attractive shade for her, but I also can't imagine letting her dye it a natural shade, much less an unnatural color. She's already told me that she wants to have black hair with red streaks and I told her that she can do what she likes to her hair when she turns 16. She asked "Anything??" and I told her that she'd be old enough then to understand what others would assume based on her appearance at that point so the decision would be her's. I just don't think that 13 is old enough for that. JMO, of course.

By Imamommyx4 on Sunday, February 12, 2006 - 03:01 pm:

It is thing all generations go thru. It is a kind of rebellion. You can fight it tooth and nail. This is my house and you are not going to dye your hair. OR you can allow her this rite of passage into adulthood to make this choice with your guidance. And help them make good choices and learn.

I have made the first choice on occasion because it was a power struggle and I wasn't going to lose. In hindsight I wish I could have stepped back and guided. There are some things that I will not give in on. But hair color can be recolored and will grow back its original color. I would probably guide on this one.

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, February 12, 2006 - 04:55 pm:

I agree with those who say pick your battles. I had the hair issues, patches on jeans issues, and other clothing issues, and a whole lot of other things that are inevitable in the teen years, and hair was far and away the least of my worries. I would say let her do it - but she has to do it or pay for the dye or the salon herself - her choice, her expense.

And, if it were me, I'd say quite clearly - I am letting you do this because when/if you change your mind, your hair will grow in. This is not necessarily permanent, and because it is not permanent is the only reason I am compromising. (What I am saying is, lay the groundwork for the almost inevitable wish to get a tattoo or piercings in places other than one pierce in each ear.)

Hair grows back, and usually it grows back the way it was, coloring and all. What controls hair growth is the follicles, not what happens outside the scalp. So if/when she changes her mind (and she will, eventually) she will have to go through the horrid growing in stage or pay to get her hair dyed to something near the original color.

By Kim on Sunday, February 12, 2006 - 06:31 pm:

Tink, if they use semi-permanent colour it would wash out after so many shampoos.

By Mommmie on Monday, February 13, 2006 - 02:01 pm:

Maybe just let her do it over the summer and then dye it back when school starts again? I don't know. If I had to pick a side, I would fall under the it's a slippery slope crowd. I guess I won't cross this bridge since the school my son attend doesn't allow it.

By Reds9298 on Monday, February 13, 2006 - 03:01 pm:

Colette, my thoughts exactly!

By Boxzgrl on Monday, February 13, 2006 - 03:10 pm:

I started dyeing my hair at 12. First it was auburn, then back to brown, then purple (yikes!), then brown with blonde highlights and since I was 17 I just had blonde weaved into it. Last Valentines Day I had a tints of red and blonde put into my already brown hair. Now it's just back to normal. It's really just a phase that comes with age. I agree with the pick your battles statement. It's just hair.

By Imamommyx4 on Wednesday, February 15, 2006 - 10:44 pm:

Has there been a final decision yet?

If not, how about what I do with my dd (even though my dd is only 5)? I give her 2 choices-one that will get her way but with stipulations or consequences but we can both live with it and one I think we both like).

For example in your dilemma. choice one: you allow her to get her hair dyed with her own money. Or Choice two: You'll pay for a manicure and pedicure at a nice salon. Or something else she would like. That was just my idea.

They need room to grow and stretch but still have reins on. The reins just get looser as they make good decisions.

But I would like to hear what happens.