My best friend in the world lives in Oregon we have been friends for almost 20 years. Although we live so far apart I try to keep in touch by writing and calling I have done this for sometime I just want to keep in touch. I call maybe once a month or write every so often. but she don't do the same. I never hear from her. She never calls or returns letters. I sent a Christmas card with a bunch of pictures to no response back. I also sent her a birthday card and gift (she never ever sends me on) to no response not a thank you or I got it I am getting frustrated and am thinking of not doing this anymore. What would you all do. I truely miss my friend and think of her as my sister but I am just hurt because it seems like I am the only one trying to stay in touch

By Mrsheidi on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 07:29 pm:

I would just call her and ask her if things are just busy lately. Maybe there's been a major change in their life. Or, maybe the friendship has faded for her. It's not uncommon.
I keep in touch via email with a lot of friends and my best friend used to do the same. She was just so caught up in her boyfriend/husband that, when they got into an argument, she would just call if she needed me. I "called her on it" in a nice way and she has been better ever since!

By Alberobello on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 07:39 pm:

Oh darling! I had the same dilemma, and i still don't know how to handle it either. I've stopped calling her because i understood she's got a different life now and as a matter of fact so do i. Sometimes i feel the urge of calling her because i know that if i don't she will not call me. She came over for a few days 6 motnhs ago and i felt we didn't connect as before (we were best friends when we were teenagers and early twenties). I still love her very much but we are very different now and i don't want to force her because it hurts me. She was always more independent so i guess this is only natural but if i feel the need to call her i do just to say hi.

That said, most of my childhood friends live in the other side of the world and we never write or call each other, but whenever we meet it's like we've never been apart.

I wish you good luck darling, i know it's hard because it hurts, but sometimes we have to let go and move on with life. Some friendships are meant to last forever even if we don't keep in touch.

By Truestori on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 09:36 pm:

I've been in the same situation, and I finally let go. I didn't want to keep what if, or why isn't she calling so I stopped calling, writing etc. I figured if I was that important to her then she would call me. It's sad but I am the type that puts my all into a friendship and appreciate it when someone else does the same!
Goodluck

By Cocoabutter on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 10:59 pm:

I was in the process of typing a response when my computer froze and I had to reboot, so then I ran scans and put the kid to bed ....

Have you always been the one to make the effort? I mean, you have been friends for 20 years, so how was it before you/she moved away? Maybe it's just her personality. Maybe she's not the type to initiate contact. If that is so, then you cannot expect her to be something that she is not.

Or maybe she's just so spoiled by you always calling and writing that she doesn't feel the need to make any more effort to keep the friendship alive- you are doing just fine at that.

Either way, it might just be that you have to accept the fact that if this friendship is to continue, you will be the one to put the work into it. So, it's your decision.

There is one other possibility. How does she sound on the phone? Does she ever sound down or like there is something weighing on her? Maybe she is going through something, an illness or depression or abuse, that she hasn't told you about. If there is a problem, maybe she is trying to deal with it on her own. You could ask her and find out before you decide not to put any more effort into the friendship.

Best of luck!

By Karen~moderator on Wednesday, February 8, 2006 - 07:34 am:

Ditto Stori!

By Debbie on Wednesday, February 8, 2006 - 09:01 am:

You know, this is a tough one. I have two very good friends(all 3 of us our friends) We met when we all lived in Calif, then 2 of us moved away to different states. You know, for a little while I was the one always doing the calling. But, they both had new babies and more hectic things going on. Now, I seem to be in a funk and they call me more. I love talking to them and always enjoy our talks, but I am having a rough time, so I admit I don't initiate the calls that much. Now, we do always send each other Christmas cards and at least call each other on our birthdays. We made a commitment to get together once a year. However, we have only been able to do it 2 out of 4 yrs. We are planning a trip this Fall. We go in spurts where we talk to each other all the time and then it may be several months where we don't talk. However, we all know that we will always be there for each other.

I would suggest, if she is that good of a friend, and it sounds like she is, to talk to her about it before you write her off. If you have always initiated things, then she may count on that. I would tell her how you feel and see if she wants to continue the friendship. She may not realize what you are feeling.

By Kateg on Wednesday, February 8, 2006 - 10:10 am:

I, too, have been in the same situation. My best friend and I were friends throughout high school & in our 20s. We may not of seen each other but once or twice a year, but it was like we were never apart. But, things changed. She would only call me when she had a free moment on her way to somewhere to fill her boredom time driving. I would send cards, etc., e-mail, but would get nothing in response. She called a year ago about something and that was it for me. I won't go into the details, but I was hurt. After that she e-mailed a few weeks later about a surprise from her DH, I responded to her e-mail & have heard nothing from her since.

I gave up. I've wrote it off as a high school friendship & that we are best to just remember those times. I, too, like to put everything into a friendship & when I get nothing in response...I want more...deserve more.

So, you have to do what is best for you. Good luck, as it's a tough choice. Been there...done that.

By Melissa on Wednesday, February 8, 2006 - 12:01 pm:

I am that friend and as much as I want to appreciate the gestures, my friend is someone who now lives in CA. and we have nothing but the past in common. I have an 8 year,old her Ds is grown up, she is a scientologist, I am not! We have nothing in common anymore and with all that distance the gifts and things are just one more obligation to me. I wish her well and would be happy for a card at christmas and call it good.
I think we are all busy and I feel I need to spend my time and money on poeple I am closer to.
I say send a card and Christmas and move on.

By Insaneusmcwife on Thursday, February 9, 2006 - 10:13 am:

I have a similar situation. I had a close circle of friends when we were in Cali. Now that I have been gone 6 months I can't even get them to return a simple email. I understand people get busy but too busy to return a simple email? I have family that acts the same way.