I love reading the anniversary section of our local newspaper of older couples who have been married 40+ years. They are always asked what made their marriage work. I love hearing their answers and it puts a smile on my face to see how much in love they still are with each other. So for those of you who have been married for 15+ years (or earlier if you just want to share):

What has made your marriage last this long? What advice would you give to those preparing for marriage or in the early stages of marriage? What is the the one thing you have learned about the opposite sex that you would like to share?

By Imamommyx4 on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 11:30 am:

A good marriage is NOT easy. It does take work. I have found that the more effort I put in to making him happy, that he puts more effort in to making me happy, which in turn continues a wonderful cycle. Examples, when he comes home from work, I run to kiss and hug him. Sometimes I'm busy or don't feel like doing it, but I do it anyway. The smile on his face is worth it. I'll get up and do his breakfast even when it's just putting a pop-tart in the toaster and starting his coffee. He says the company makes him feel good. I was at work one day and mentioned craving an apple and I need to get some next time I went shopping. He and dd went to the store and found the prettiest apple he could find and brought it to me. Probably consumed 2 hrs of his Saturday just to bring me an apple. I could go on all day. Just try to put yourself in his shoes and wonder what would make him feel good.

Never, never go to bed angry. And I don't mean stay awake all night either. There have been times I have been so hurt or mad that I did NOT want to talk much less cuddle or anything else. We'd get in the bed and roll away from each other, no kiss, no good nights. But before long one of us, sometimes me, sometimes him would reach out and touch or put arms around the other. And before long both of us would be apologizing. Then sleep will come much easier.

By Marg on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 11:44 am:

Melissa,

dh told me the other night that a teacher complimented him on how he could counsel at-risk youths.

This teacher commended him for how his parents raised him. Dh laughed (it is a long story and dh does not like to tell it) dh told the teacher how he was in high school and it took years to find his calling. He told the teacher he credited everything to my wife (wow I thought). The teacher did not understand and could not comprehend how dh was raised (mom had anger issues and in a coma for 8 years before she passed away), (father was an alcohlic and died from sclorosis of the liver in 89), stepdad claims to have raised dh all the while married to his mom, he was dating a woman and would let dh alone for 2 nights out of every week when dh was only 14 years old. It is longer than that but that is the short nice version.

We met in the summer of 82. He hated school, did very bad, but graduated. Went into the Navy, got out, had various jobs. Finally in 2000 found his calling, going to college (yeah) and has found his success.

It is a 'stand by your man, but you sometimes wear my patience down to a thread' story, lol.

Why married so long? Marriage is not 50-50, sometimes 100 - 0, 0 - 100, etc.

Hold marriage and your family in highest regard (we have very little family living). Jobs and friends will come and go, your spouse and children are the most important things in your lives.

Advice, marriage is not a fairy tale and no one should go into it thinking that way or taking it lightly like 'if this doesn't work, we can always get divorced.'

One thing that I have learned from the opposite sex (there's a bunch).

All men are not alike though we coin that phrase alot.

dh can be very emotional though they do not like to show it.

Dh needs support, encouragement, understanding, love, guidance, acceptance and everything that I need emotional. The more I give the more I receive. The more I give the more that our bond becomes stronger.

I pray for him everyday. I miss him everyday when he goes to work and I can not wait to see him when he gets home.

Someday, he wants to work at home (he will be able with his occupation and I can't wait).

And btw, if this isn't long enough, sex is better with age;)

Thank you for asking this Melissa, I should have asked a wise woman this years ago

By Sunny on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 01:41 pm:

I think you'll get a lot of different answers, but I would think that the most important aspect in a healthy, lasting realtionship is a sense of committment. If both people are committed to keeping, maintaining and working out problems in the relationship, the better chance a marriage has to endure.

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 02:31 pm:

Ditto, what Sunny said! Also, I agree with Marg on the quality of the loving, as we get older!

We try to help each other out and once in a while, he sees a cute cookie cutter at the store and has to buy it for me!

We have our little tiffs and get so mad at each other, but I can't stay mad at him for long. Sometimes, I try to stay mad and then he tries to make me laugh. I try hard not to laugh, but I'm sure he can see that anyway!

By Kaye on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 03:19 pm:

I am going to answer this. My marriage works, because I have made a decision for it to work. We have been together for 16 years now. Currently he is not the love of my life, but instead of looking for other things to please me, I am focusing on us. In the past years, at least 10 of the years were good times. But that means 6 of the years weren't. Really only a couple of them were bad times though. I think the secret is when those bad times come, you figure out why and adjust. After we had our first child our marriage suffered, we didn't spend the time together that we needed. But we realized that and made an effort to spend time together. There are days that he is the perfect husband and there are days that I wonder just what the heck I did. But I married him for better or for worse. He is good to me, not abusive, he provides, and I can trust him.

What have I learned about the opposite sex?? Boy do we process information differently! SEx to me is a product of feeling emotionally taken care of, a finishing of a good day. Sex for him is physical, sometimes you have to have a compromise

By Jewlz on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 04:04 pm:

I have been married 24 years... second marriage... and seperated for 18 months in that time. Im not in love with him and havent been for a while. married him at 19
What has made your marriage last this long?committment totally! not allowing my self or him to take the easy way out and divorce when things got hard to handle. What advice would you give to those preparing for marriage or in the early stages of marriage? get someone to help you talk about the hard subjects and teach you to discuss a hot topic calmly. before marriage, get to know the other person, look at them without love in your eyes... I mean take the rose colored glasses off. alot of marriages ( specially very young adults) think ohh I can change that about him/her or I can live with that ... we can live on love. life with someone is about more than that. its giving 110% even if you have a headache and haven't slept and the world is falling in on you. What is the the one thing you have learned about the opposite sex that you would like to share? Men dont have an emotion button. they are happy that so and so caught the ball or they are grumpy that so and so dropped it. no in between.

By Trina~moderator on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 04:38 pm:

All wonderful advice! Ditto Sunny. I'd like to add...

- Marry the right person in the first place! Don't settle. Don't believe you can change someone. Be realistic and ask yourself, "Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this person? If the answer is no, or if there are any doubts, this would not a good marriage make. LOL!

- BEFORE marriage discuss all the big issues and see if you agree. Kids? If so, how soon and how many? Share your thoughts and beliefs about money, plans for the future and hopes and dreams.
I remember when DH and I were attending marriage classes. We each had to separately fill out a questionaire and then compare our answers together. For us, it only further confirmed everything we had already discussed. Not so for the couple beside us. The girl said emotionally, "You don't want any kids?!" Her fiancé laughed and replied, "NOPE! Not ever." Heavy silence between them. They didn't return after that night. DH and I were baffled that they had actually become engaged and were planning a wedding but had never discussed something as important as children. Good thing they learned this BEFORE the wedding!

- Don't go into the marriage with an "If it doesn't work out we can always get divorced" attitude. If you're already in that mode of thinking the marriage is doomed.

- COMMUNICATION is key! Don't play mind games. Be open and tactfully honest with each other.

- Always work to keep the flame burning. It will dim and flare through the years but don't ever let it go out. This takes work! Little things mean a lot.

By Bea on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 05:14 pm:

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 05:23 pm:

If DH is storming around, it's more often something at work that is bothering him, than something at home. Something at home will set it off, but it's more a symptom that something is bothering him, than the cause.

Once in a while, he acts like he is the one with PMS! LOL!

Anyway, i have learned to ask him what is really bothering him.

By Pamt on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 09:13 pm:

Hmmm...

I agree with Trina with about premarital counseling. We discussed money management, sex, male/female roles and division of labor, parenting, family backgrounds and the effect on us, etc. That is VERY important and it was fun too. We also had to talk about what would drive us to divorce. For me it would be verbal or physical abuse.

DH and I hold hands and snuggle a lot. He touches me EVERY time he walks by---touches the small of my back, puts his hand on my head, brushes my arm or something. I have learned that if he doesn't touch me that something is bothering him. We date regularly, go on at least one weekend alone a year (if not more), read a marriage book together or go to a marriage retreat every other year or so. We read books together and discuss them, we play together, and enjoy spending time together. However, we both love our alone time and give each other space to be alone and have time totally by ourselves without the kids. DH challenges me in everything and really makes me think. I think it is always a good idea for everyone to marry someone smarter than they are because it is stimulating and makes for good conversation. Total commitment is essential, as is praying with and for each other. I also think that a relationship centered on God is crucial. There's an old illustration of a triangle with the husband and wife at each angle on the bottom and God at the top angle. As each spouse grows closer to God, then they obviously grow closer to each other. My DH looks for ways to please me each and every day and I think of how I can bless him---even when he makes me irritated at times. We never go to bed angry and always discuss a misunderstanding until it is resolved or we can reach a compromise. I think you have to realize that marriage is work and that each individual and couple is always in the process of evolving. I do agree that sex gets better and better with each passing year. I think that is because we know each other better and trust each other more completely, so we can be more open and vulnerable emotionally and sexually with each other.

What have I learned about the opposite sex? Men loved to be admired privately and publicly. I brag on my DH whenever I can and he is putty in my hands . Sex is different for him than me. For me, sexual desire is the result of feeling loved, but for him sex IS being loved. When I refuse sex, to him it is the same as if I told him I loved him and he ignored me. So, even when I am tired and not in the mood, I try to get there. I have learned that when he is angry or upset that he just wants to be quiet and left alone. He will eventually talk, but just needs that space to work things out in his head before we discuss the problem. That took at least 10 years for me to figure out and sometimes I still bug him to talk to me when he's not quite ready.

By Cybermommyx4 on Wednesday, February 8, 2006 - 12:23 pm:

DH and I will celebrate our 18th anniversary on Monday, February 13th....we started out YOUNG and oldest DS turned 18 on Jan 10th (you do the math ;) But I have not FOR ONE SECOND ever regretted our choices. I think if you love enough, miracles can and do happen. Remember these things:

"Love will get you through times with no money better than money will get you through times with no love."

"Don't marry the man you think you can live with...marry the one you can't live without!"

And, as Dr. Phil says (often), if you each put 100% effort into making the other feel like they are the most important, special person who ever walked the earth- it will be returned to you in kind. That's true...