Why is it expected that women are suppose to love sex and want it as much as the husbands do? If the wife does not want it that much, then their marriage must be bad?
Granted, my marriage is not so hot. BUT, when I considered it a good marriage years ago, I still did not want to have sex a lot. Most days now, I just do not even want to be touched.For me, its the daily stresses/life stresses that put me so out of touch. I have no problem with my children coming up and hugging me. When my husband does it, I assume he is only loving on me to have sex later on. He use to give me nightly backrubs when we first got married, just because. Now, if he gives me a backrub, he expects sex. So I have stopped asking for them.
I think because when I talk to friends about this issue, some of them have sex regularly a couple times of week. These people can not understand there are people like me who is fine with 1-2 times a month. Honestly, the only time Im even remotely interested in sex is when Im ovulating. Funny how that works out like that.
It is just interesting to me that people think if you are not having sex on a regular basis, then your marriage is bad. I certainly do not agree with that. Like I said, my marriage is not great. I do have friends who have a wonderful marriage, caring and sincere yet they do not have sex all that much either.

By Boxzgrl on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 11:07 am:

We go through spurts where we will 4-5 days a week and then occasionally it will be every other week. I think men think less sex means something is bad because that is their way of expressing their love to us and when we don't give it to them, they think they did something wrong. Believe me, i've had that argument many of times with DH and he's just now starting to get it. I don't think lack of sex alone makes a bad marriage, sex is only part of what makes a marriage work and IMO it's closer to the bottom of the list where I put trust, communication and honesty at the top.

By Juli4 on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 11:33 am:

Obviously if you do not want to be touched by your husband and you feel resentment because he wants sex and you do not then something is wrong between the two of you. So I think the sex life is indicitive of the marriage. Not necessarily how often you do it, but just the attitudes and feelings of the people involved. Sex is not a big deal in a healthy marriage. But when you are having problems then I think sex is just a symptom of the larger problem. If you felt like he supported you and was willing to take some of the stress off of you and basically help you feel loved and cared about I am sure you would want sex more often than you do. So maybe it is just a good indicator that some communication needs to happen and he needs to be told exactly what you need in order for you to know that he loves you and cares and just doesn't want to use you for sex. And just because his body and mind is different from yours and he wants sex more often does not mean that he wants to use you or that he is dirty. It just means that you two need to communicate about it and come to an understanding as to what you both need.

By Marg on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 12:02 pm:

Personally, when the bond between dh and I are strong there is more of a longing for sex or the sex drive is higher.

Whether there is daily stress or whatever, if there is that bond love is there constantly (does this make any sense). There is not a feeling, like oh, he/she just wants sex to fulfill their needs and not mind, etc.

I do agree with Juli, "Not necessarily how often you do it, but just the attitudes and feelings of the people involved. Sex is not a big deal in a healthy marriage. But when you are having problems then I think sex is just a symptom of the larger problem."

If there are bigger issues in your marriage (I had an emtional abusive boss which during this time I never wanted sex and dh couldn't understand) it will affect your sex life.

By Conni on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 01:37 pm:

Why is it expected? It is part of marraige.

You just need to communicate with your dh about what you need/want and then compromise so that you are both happy. I dont think women should hold out on their husbands. If you have issues with your dh outside the bdrm you need to talk with him about them and get them worked out. You owe it to yourself, your husband, and your children to try your best to have a good relationship. Try not to hold grudges. Talk about the issues, work them out, and then move on.

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 02:33 pm:

Sometimes we have a quite a dry spell, where DH is too stressed out about other issues to be interested. Then I start feeling disconnected. When we finally get a chance to make love again, then the bond feels like it's there again! I would die without any sex in our marriage. It's what holds us together! I'm happier the whole day, if we were able to make love that morning!

By Bea on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 05:28 pm:

Conni, I don't think that it's necessarily the wife who has trouble verbalizing her needs as much as it could be a husband who hates to talk about sex at all. I know in our marriage, I'm the talker. He hates to talk about our sex life. I tend to shut up because it's so uncomfortable for him. This type of communication can be very hard when people are brought up in a sexually repressive home.

By Reds9298 on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 - 10:00 pm:

Ditto everyone, and Dawnk, I'm the same. My DH does not place as much emphasis on sex as I do. I think he continues to feel the bond even when we're "in a dry spell" so-to-speak(like a couple of weeks), but I feel much better about things when we're more sexually active.

I think if you're someone who generally doesn't enjoy sex/affection much, then there's a reason. If you talk with your spouse about it and he is understanding and helpful of how to make you more relaxed and comfortable, then you might be surprised at how much more you can enjoy sex.