Grades
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive February 2006:
Grades
I am at a total loss with my 13 yr old dd. Her grades are terrible. She is in the 8th grade and she did great in school until last year. Her grades keep getting worse. She got her interim report today and her grades are: History 44 F, Keyboarding 57 F, Lang Arts 80 B, Gym 78 C, Math 63 D, and Science 55 F. She has been grounded for months because of her grades. I don't know what else to do. Please help!!!
I understand what you are going thru. This is a btdt situation. I grounded took away everything, and even escorted her to events she had to attend, didnt work. What I would do if I had the chance to would have her go into her counselor and get some one on one advice and have someone help her deal with the issues that she has inside. 8th grade is a hard grade and with hi school on the way... it only gets harder. I finally did this with my daughter in the tenth grade and it helped her immenseley but wish i had done this sooner. I would quit being so hard on her and figure out the reason for the drop in grades and take a didnt course of action. Take a step back and see what u can do to help her. I know thats what ur asking for here... See if the peer pressure is overwhelming... If the homework in general is getting to her... if she wants to be to involved in her freiends .... there has to be a balance somewhere... I asked my daughter if she missed school ( graduated last year) and she said no mom but if I had to do it again ...id listen to ya about the pressures that were in mind. What im trying to say is kid at that age are trying to be something thier not to impress others. open up a ear to her and talk with her and a counselor and make up a contract. put her on weekely report for all her grades. check up and follow up wiht her.
Why is she getting bad grades? Have you sat down and discussed it? Maybe she needs a tutor instead of punishment? Is there trouble at school? Is she being bullied? Does she still have the same friends or has she lost friends? Is she depressed? There are so many factors that could cause this. I think you need to get to the bottom of the problem.
Have you tried talking to her in terms of what her goals are? Have her write down where she sees herself in five, ten, fifteen years and think about what she is going to need to do to achieve her dreams. Also, spend time focusing on what she has done well. I see she got an 80 in language arts, presumably without giving it much effort. Does she have a natural talent in this area? How can you encourage that? Focus on her strengths and she may be more receptive to what you are trying to do.
Good luck. I hope you can find a way to help her! ((HUG))
From a BTDT standpoint, when a child is grounded for a long period of time for grades, it is ineffectual. They feel hopeless, depressed, don't make any more of an effort, etc. My X used to keep my 2 oldest grounded constantly for grades. It did not work.
There's usually a reason for a sudden drop in grades - be it new subject matter, age/puberty - an important one - problems with other kids, problems with siblings/family, rejection, feeling *unpopular* or *undesirable*, depression, low self confidence and/or self esteem/feelings of inferiority, and as much as I don't even want to mention it, but feel the need to, drugs or alcohol use, which at that age, is usually due to depression.
I would try to get to the root of why the grades have dropped and she's doing so badly. Have her sleep or appetite patterns changed this year? Has she become withdrawn or hostile or angry or sad? Is she getting along with her siblings, and you and your DH?
More often, at this age, emotions are the root of that problem. Have you thought of taking her to someone to talk to?
Those early teen years are very hard on many kids, and often it's like pulling teeth to find out what's going on. I'd suggest meeting with her teacher(s) and the school counselor, find out if something's going on at school, or if they've noticed changes in her behavior. Another good idea would be to have a physical checkup with her doctor, to rule out anything medically.
She could be feeling just so overwhelmed with high school looming on the horizon and the fact that she is growing up and is now expected to be more responsible and start making plans for her life. That is frightening to many kids her age. Jen had a terrible time during that period. That's when her grades started to drop. She felt so pressured to *plan her life*, and it caused her a great deal of anxiety because she was emotionally a CHILD, and was suddenly expected (by the school) to start planning her adult part of her life.
I definitely would not ignore it. And IMO, keeping her grounded is having the opposite effect of what you hoped for. Jules told me years ago that when my X kept her grounded for months, she just figured *why bother*? She said she figured she was going to be grounded anyway, so why make an effort...
She needs to be rewarded for positive behavior. She could be crying out for attention due to any of the above reasons, and this is the way she's acting out. She needs your help, not punishment. I know this is not easy, and I really feel for you AND your DD.
Please, start now by talking to her, not fussing about her grades, but talking and LISTENING to her, find out what is going on inside of her. If you feel she needs some therapy or counseling, or if she asks for it, get it for her. This doesn't happen for no reason at all. And I know it's a scary thing for you, as a Mom. You think you're doing everything right, and BAM! Suddenly your child has a problem that you are maybe not aware of, or don't know how to deal with.
I am in no way saying her grades are not important, don't misunderstand me there, but obviously her punishment is not working and I think it's something deeper than just school work. I wish you the best with this - start with the doctor and the school, and listening to your DD, and go from there.
{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}
What Karen said - and double.
And try to let her know that she is not her grades. That while you are unhappy for her because you know poor grades can affect her academic future and her whole life, you love her no matter what her grades are. Try to find things you can praise her for, thank her for, acknowledge things that she does well or nicely or is helpful about. And be sure you don't say "I love you despite your grades" (I'm sure you wouldn't anyhow.) You love her. She has poor grades this year and that concerns you. Two separate facts, not to be combined in one sentence or conversation.
OK, I have not BTDT, but I have a strong opinion on grades vs parenting, I'm sure I'll take a few beatings for this one.LOL
I feel it is your responsibility to raise a morally and socially responsible pupil, ie: follow the dress code, show up on time, have lunch money, be well behaved,do homework assigned etc. Get help socially or morally where needed.
It is the schools responsibility to make sure pupils achieve academically: Get grades they are capable of making, have clear homework plan, pass tests, get help academically where needed.
What would happen if you just eased up on her grades, let the chips fall where they may, allow (ask) the school to make necessary and appropriate punishments for failing grades and so on.
I tend to think that her attitude toward you and her willingness to open up about what REALLY may be causing this sudden drop in grades will slowly start changing, and when she realizes SHE is culpable for HER grades she will take the responsibility to do what she is capable of.
Also keep open dialogue ALL THE TIME of the future and responsibilities that come with getting older etc, this gives kids a view into the future, let her know your expecations of her now, a year down the road, 5 years down the road, and get her opinion on what her short term and long term future looks like to her.
Also, I don't think it's too uncommon for this to happen at this age. My friend teaches 8th grade and she notices a lot of high acheiving kids start slacking off this year, not sure why, but something she has mentioned.
Being a former middle school teacher, here are some suggestions:
1. Talk with EACH teacher and ask them what is going on in class. Ask them what their opinion is. Make sure you bring your daughter with you so she can hear it too.
2. Set up something (such as an IEP, which is done through a counselor and a certified special needs teacher) and ask that she retake tests, quizzes, and re-do homework. And, they can require her to sit close to the board with little distractions.
3. Email and set up tutoring times. Teachers are usually required to have some sort of tutoring times. Don't set it up as punishment, but rather an avenue to get help.
4. Use and KEEP UP WITH a journal in which she writes down ALL of her homework in each class and has her teachers initial it before she comes home.
5. Does her school have a website set up so you can see homework? If the teachers have email, you can get the HW each day that way too. It takes 10 seconds to email HW. I did it everyday with all my students' parents.
6. Can you take away any extra curricular activities that she loves? Tell her she has 2 weeks to get her grades up before she can participate again.
6. LASTLY, and most IMPORTANTLY, don't wait until interim reports to get these grades. You can have the teachers send home (with your daughter) her weekly grade report. It takes 10 seconds to print it off. ANd, YES, they CAN do everything I say above.
And, if they refuse to help, threaten to contact the school board. That will get any teacher/principal's attention. (Just in case you run into the kind of teacher that won't email, call, or tutor your child.)
Oh, and don't ask "DO you have homework?" Ask, "What kind of homework do you have?" Most kids fail classes by telling their parents that they did it at school and the parents believe them. If she says that, require that she bring the HW home to prove that she did it.
What does she do at night?
Bump
Thanks for all the advice! I am trying to get in touch with the Guidance Counsoler at her school. Maybe between her and myself we can figure something out. Me and dd talk a lot. We have always had a very open relationship. I know she is having issues with hre biological father. About a year ago she over heard a conversation and found out some of the things he did to me when we were married. He was very abusive, both mentally and physically. She won't visit with him anymore because she said everytime she sees him she thinks about what he did to me and it makes her sick. I have talked to her about this but she says she can't help the way she feels about him now. (They never really had a good relationship anyway). I don't know if this is what is going on with her or if it is something totally different. When I ask her why the prblem is with her school work she just shrugs her shoulders and says I don't know. Well maybe I can talk to this counsoler and figure something out. I will let you guys know as soon as I know.
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