Looking for a little guidance - long
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Looking for a little guidance - long
My mother and father dated for 6 years before my mom got pregnant at 20 years old (1966). When my father found out she was pregnant he denied it was his and left, moved across the country. My mom's family was very religious and from the "old country" so this was devastating to everyone. My father's family lived across the street and the families had gown up together. This tore them apart.
My father never paid any child support nor did he really attempt any kind of contact with me or my mom, except when he was drunk. My mother was shamed in her family and community. She met another man, my stepfather while she was pregnant. I was raised as his child and was not told he was not my father until I was 13 years old. He was abusive, mostly verbally and emotionally but sometimes physically as well. So once I did find out I had a lot of abandonment issues to sort out and it took me a long time to work through things.
At 15 I spoke to my father by telephone, 16 I met him for 20 mins. he was in town at a school reunion and stopped by on his way to the airport. At 17 I spent spring break with him, his wife and my 3 year old half sister. I was very excited about having a "real" father, but disappointed after 2 weeks as he was almost as much of a jerk as my stepfather.
We kept in touch over the years but lived on opposites sides of the country. I moved much closer when I was 23 and we developed a closer relationship. However his alcoholism from time to time would interfere until it got to the point where I had to tell him, either you respect me and the life that I lead or you cannot be apart of my life. After two months he contacted me and agreed.
Over the years it has been an up and down relationship. I got married a 4 years ago and at the time my father was acting like a jerk. He and I were to go on vacation together but I cancelled as his behavour was erratic. He has not drank for many years, but he never fully resolved his problems. I cancelled our vacation about 2 months before my wedding. I called him and said it seems like you are having a difficult time these days and I think that it might be better to go on vacation without me. I copped out and did it by telephone instead of saying it in person. I was respectful but I probably should have spoken to him in person. He said he hoped that I would change my mind. He stopped calling. I had to call him a few days before the wedding to see if he was coming to the rehearsal and he did, he showed up at the wedding as well. After I got back from my honeymoon I called him a few times, but he was evasive on the phone, would not make conversation. So I stopped calling and thought let him call me when he's ready. Well 4 years later and 2 babies there have been no phone calls. His side of the family keeps pushing me to be the bigger person and resolve this. It's hard for me because, he left me, he is disrespectful towards me and keeps shutting me out of his life and I'm always the one to be the bigger person. He is the parent, yet I am the adult.
I'm at a crossroads in my life. I look at my children and I feel they are missing out, I feel like my father is missing out. My oldest child looks just like him. I can go months without thinking of my father and then something will happen and I start thinking I should contact him. Now please know that I do not feel about my father the way most people do. I did not even know he existed until I was 13 years old so there is not that child/parent bond there. Bringing my father back into my life will complicate things not make them easier, he is moody and unpredictable. I think he is bipolar, but he would never admit this or agree that he needs any help. He is not dangerous, just an emotional train wreck.
I've been thinking I should put a photo album together of my children with an open invitation for him to be apart of their lives and send it by mail (he lives 10 minutes away). The rest is up to him. Part of me thinks he doesn't deserve this, but I think about my kids and I feel sad that they will never know their grandfather.
Any thoughts?
First many, many hugs to you darling. I think your idea of the album is a great one. You said he hasn't met your dks so this would be a great opportunity for him to come back to your life. This said, you do know that you can't expect any sort of positive behaviour from him so you must protect your self and your family from this. It's a big step for you and you should be proud to be the one who's doing it.
I hope it works out for you darling. And i hope that your dad can see what a wonderful daughter he has.
I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. Bless you for doing so well in your life despite what you have been through.
I know this seems hard, but I would talk to him face to face. You can present him with the album and invite him back into your life. But as you did before, on the condition that he treat you and your family with respect.
I know you must still be thinking of being abandoned by him and trying to figure out why. Please know it was not you. Your mom made the mistake of picking a jerk to make a baby with, (actually she picked 2 jerks) and the result was you. That he was a jerk is no reflection on your value as a human being.
In all reality, you had no real strong bond with him despite how hard you tried. If you try this time, I hope it works, but just remember he isn't capable of being the dad you always wanted. If it doesn't work, all you really lose is the dream you had of having a dad.
Good luck. (HUGS)
Just be very careful. He has hurt you, make sure you can handle the possibility that he may hurt your children, too, if he gets to know them and then continues with his past behavior. Make sure this is something you are willing to risk...
Ditto Adena on this one......I've sort of BTDT (my dad was not in my life for many years, though our circumstances were not quite the same as yours), took the risk and it worked out in a positive way for us. But definintely ditto Adena....
Thank you everyone, I slept on it last night and decided that I will put my time, energy and goodwill towards people who are loving and caring towards me and my children. My mother and in-laws have been there for us and have been around to celebrate the birth and lives of our children.
One of the things that I considered was the possiblity of allowing him into our lives, my children becoming attached to him and him dissapearing again. Hard to explian to little chidlren. I know I can't protect them from everything, but I also don't have to expose them to someone who has a history of being hurtful.
I think that I will leave it up to him to contact me (if ever). This way I can be more certain that he is ready, if I approach him it might be forced.
I have come to terms with the fact that I don't have the kind of parents I need, want or deserve, I guess we just always want more for our children. All my father ever wanted was grandchildren. Now he has them and he can't for whatever reason see them and know the love of little children as every grandparent should. Very sad for him.
Anon, I think you made a wise decision, for good reasons. That doesn't mean it won't hurt, or that you won't still have pangs of "what if" and "if only". But, like all good moms, you are putting your children's welfare ahead of your wishes and wants. I truly sympathize with your regrets - I can't imagine being abandoned by a parent and thank God I can't imagine it. What a painful thing to have in your life, and how hard it is to work at moving beyond it. I wish you all kinds of well, and hope that you can move beyond. One of my favorite books, Cold Sassy Tree, has a scene in it where the grandfather is talking about prayer, and he says the best and only kind of prayer to pray is "Lord, give me strength." I pray the Lord gives you strength.
Anon, I had a very similar situation growing up. I don't want to discuss specifics here, but if you'd like to chat you can email me at cjaping at gmail dot com. I promise you'll have absolute anonymaty (sp??). Other than that, many may hugs!!
{{Anon}} It really is a terrible situation to have in your life! I truly feel for you. But, I, too, believe you make the right decision. For you and your children. You can spare them all the hurt that you experienced.
I can't say I had the same experience, but, my mother and father were divorced when I was 2. Though my father was always "there", he was never really there! He had a very demanding job (police), and an even more demanding second wife and I got to see him rarely! Even now, at 40, we have more of a friendly relationship than a father/daughter! I had SOOOOO much hope for him when I had his first and only grandchild! I thought to myself "he's close to retirement, he's a different person. He'll be a better grandfather than a father." You know what? She stinks at both! (and stinks is being very kind!) He NEVER goes out of his way to see her, never calls her! It's terrible! So, it proves that, unfortunately, some people just don't change! And, they are the ones who are missing out.
Good luck
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