Sometimes i can be a cynic, but this time i think it has gone too far. Can i go anonymous in this one? I wouldn't want anybody that knows me finding put how i feel.

I have a friend who is undergoing hepatitis c therapy for 6 months (she's got 7 weeks left). She has responded very well to the treatment and her liver shows negative results for hepatitis now, which means the therapy IS working. Obviously, the medicines are very strong and she has had a series of side effects which are normal in this type of therapy (i.e. fatigue, anaemia, confusion, a bit of depression, etc).

She is also, someone who likes to talk about herself and likes to be pampered a lot and likes to be sort of the centre of attention. A few weeks ago, she, her dh and 2 children were at my house to have dinner and was telling us the news about how effective the therapy had been so we were all happy. Later that evening another friend came over to say hello and they began talking (but this time not about her, as this other friend has some issues of her own, so they began talking about this). At one point she fainted (the one doing the therapy) without any warning, luckily she was sitting on the bed.

We put her on the floor and called an ambulance. What happened next is what (God forgive me) makes me doubt that all this was real.

The symptoms she presented while un-conscious were a bit strange IMO (and of course I am no expert). First she was, as i said un-conscious (just me and my other friend were in the room, then her dh arrived really worried). She wouldn't wake up, then she started having some kind of fits that lasted about 10 sec each (my dh, my friend and her dh kept saying that they were epileptic fits, but i kept thinking that they were not). Then she started talking saying that her heart was hurting. Then when the paramedics arrived, she had another fit which again lasted about 10 secs. She was in between mumbling something and in between lying there asleep.

After that they took her to hospital where they found that her pressure was normal and where they did a boold test that showed no other signs. She came back 4 hours later with her dh to pick up her kids and she seemed fine to me (I'm sorry, this is my cynic side). They had told her that it could be the medicines that she was taking and on seeing a doctor the day after he said that they would stop the therapy because of the danger it presented for her (she had had another collapse about 4 months ago).

She called me telling me this and didn't know if to be happy of ending the therapy early (even though the doctor assured her that it would be fine). I told her that it was probably a good thing if the doctor had suggested it as they also told her that because she was completely negative they could end it early. Now she calls me and tells me that she is worried and that she wants to tell the doctor to continue the therapy and that she promises to be still at home and not to do anything wrong (despite the doctor reassuring her that it had nothing to do with stress or anything, that most probably it was the medicines).

No need to say that i feel terrible about thinking that it was all fake, but what can i do? (any suggestions here would be greatly appreciated) I have no experience with illness and the ones that i have (a friend of mine was recently operated from a tumour in the thyroid and she has never complained; another friend has a major, serious and i mean serious problem and has never complained, i mean of course they have told me how they feel but more as a matter of fact than a complain if you know what i mean).

Of course i haven't told this to anyone. I would love to be less cynic but how can i? I just want to say that as a friend i am always there and wouldn't let my cynism get in the way of helping her (in fact i am going to go with her on Mon to speak to her doctor because her dh is not here at the moment).

Thanks for reading this far if you have. Please give me suggestions as to how to believe (honestly believe) in this, and if not, as to how can i handle my disbelief. I feel like such a mean friend, and i am not, i promise i am not! I think my disbelief comes from how she has behaved in the past, i just think that she needs the extra attention because she is very insecure (and for this reason i pray for her, although i should probably do it more often).

Sorry this was so long.Thanks a lot.

By Marg on Friday, February 3, 2006 - 11:22 am:

(((anon)))

I'm not sure of your cynicism does not come without warrant.

If there has been past history, dh and I are often in the same situation.

I have a bil that often has 'medical conditions' when it is at his convenience.

Over Christmas he had two strokes but told me not to tell anyone!

He also went to Hershey medical center, checked himself in one Saturday night. Had an aneurism (sp?) laser treatment and left 7 hours later.

The list goes on and on.

My only fear is it is like crying wolf. When something is really wrong with him, no one will believe him.

Just think positive and pray for the best.

By Anonymous on Friday, February 3, 2006 - 11:32 am:

Thanks Marg. Your bil sounds quite serious, i mean having two strokes and asking you not to tell "anyone" i wonder if that was with the opposite intended effect. You are completely right that it can be a case of the Crying wolf and it can be very dangerous if one day something (God forbid) serious happens.

Maybe i shouldn't make it my business as this friend's dh has more or less the same attitudes as to how to handle an illness so she is well cared for and pampered for that matter. It is just not so fair on the children if they have a mom that needs more attention than they do.

Thanks again for your quick response.

By Bea on Friday, February 3, 2006 - 11:34 am:

I don't know how old you are, but I can guess you're very young. With age comes cynicism. It's nothing to apologise for. It comes with the knowledge that everyone views themselves as the center of existence...and they are...in their view of the world. They are the stars of the production. So what? Cynicism protects you from being used by others. Do you still wish to be her friend? Do you still support her recovery? Then how you may doubt her motives has nothing to do with how you act towards her. How you think is your business. How you act towards others is their business. Continue to be her friend, but don't allow her to use an illness you think could be feigned, to manipulate you into behaving differently than your normal ways.

By Anonymous on Friday, February 3, 2006 - 11:51 am:

Thanks Bea,

Yes you could say i am young (soon to be 30). In the past, I used to let her use me sometimes (as in doing things that perhaps weren't really neccesary) but not anymore (actually just recently i told her i couldn't do her a major favour -keeping her ds for a weekend in april so she could go away with her dh after finishing her therapy- because i need to study).

I do what i can and when i think is reasonable and of course i am there whenever there is an emergency (which thank God very rarely happens). But you are right and i have to be careful not to let her (or people in general) manipulate me in to doing more than i am willing to do as a good friend. Now that i have my family i have my priorities but of course that doesn't mean not helping someone when they need it.

Thanks again.

By Janet on Friday, February 3, 2006 - 01:19 pm:

Does she have a history of epilepsy? Because what you described sounded similar to the kind of petit mal attacks my ex used to have. He wouldn't actually lose consciousness, but he would become completely unable to speak or respond to anything, and then after he came out of it, he'd always have a splitting headache and have to go take a nap. After that, he was perfectly fine. Blood tests and things of that sort won't indicate any problems, I don't believe, since the problems are in the brain. Not to say that you're not right in your cynicism, but I'm just saying that there might actually be more of a problem than just wanting attention.

By Anonymous on Friday, February 3, 2006 - 01:39 pm:

I understand what you are saying Janet, and there is of course a possibility that the one who's wrrong is me, after all she is the one that is ill. But answering your question, no she doesn't have a history of epilepsy, that's why i kept thinking they were not epileptic fits, some kind of seizures maybe but i wouldn't say they were epileptic. The diagnosis when she came out of hospital was that she had had a syncope (fainting) and a collapse.

I really don't know what the symptoms of all these things are, to me they just seemed to be all together with no sort of relationship between them. For example once they told her that if she ever felt pain in her chest to call an ambulance which seems perfectly understandable to me. But then again, if someone was having some sort of heart attack wouldn't it show in her face? wouldn't there be some kind of sign?

At times she was just lying there with her eyes closed, at times she was having a short fit (nothing really strong as i have heard an epileptic seizure can be -but then again, some seizures might not be strong at all) and at times she was mumbling something like "what is happening to me? to her dh.

I know i shouldn't jump to conclusions because this could have been serious and thankfully we were there to help her and to look after her childres. And if it was just a fake, there is nothing that will ever prove it and it wouldn't make a difference anyway because obviously there would be other (maybe more important) issues underneath this one.

Of course it could be a more serious problem and honestly i would want to think that is not because i wouldn't want her to be more ill than what she already is.

Thanks for your comments Janet, honestly i am not just trying to look for sympathy here but i had to let it out because it was killing me! and it is always useful to see it from other perspectives.

By Cocoabutter on Friday, February 3, 2006 - 02:29 pm:

I wouldn't call it cynicism at all. I would call it being alert that a friend may be in trouble emotionally or psychologically, and you feel you should do something, but you aren't sure what.

You could be disillusioned that your friend and her health problems don't seem to be sincere. But it sounds to me like, as you said, there may be underlying insecurities, and she does this for attention. She is a high-maintenance personality for sure.

You are darn straight that it isn't fair to the kids that she needs so much attention. The anxiety level in that family must be through the roof. The kids probably wonder if the next time will be the time mom doesn't come home. It is sad, very sad indeed.

I was in your exact position once, and yes, you need to be very careful not to be manipulated by her. It can undermine your family and quality of life. I got away from my dependent friend. Being friends with her was too much work and too emotionally taxing.

She used her depression to get attention, and it worked well for her. She got sympathy, she got people to do things for her and give her things, like a giant charity case. She "needed" support constantly, from emotional to spiritual to financial. Her husband was and still is her enabler. It is a sad life. And I couldn't take it anymore, watching her self destruct and put her family through it all.

But she was also one who refused to hear the truth about herself. If I didn't tell her what she wanted to hear she'd hang up on me. She knew she had problems, but she refused to admit them to herself, much less to anyone else. When I presented her with what I saw happening, she showed me her true colors.

You could wait and see how it goes if she stays off the therapy. Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt.

If not and you decide to speak to your friend about her "episodes" be prepared for her to protect her secret. She may tell you that you are not a good friend. That you are full of it and don't understand what she goes through. She may even decide not to talk to you. When you take away the support, she may turn mean.

Bea is absolutely right- cynicism comes with age. So please be careful and good luck.

By Anonymous on Friday, February 3, 2006 - 02:41 pm:

Anon, I think we all have friends like this! It is difficult, most people like you stated above, like the illness they have to be a "sideline" to daily life, not the attention of it.
I have a cousin who recently had a mastectomy because a recurring staff infection in her breast. Than followed quickly by a breast reconstruction, so no one will ever know if the breasts were actually removed or not. I nor anyone I have checked with have heard of this as a treatment for staff infections. This gal has had EVERY female problem you can imagine along with a plethora of other issues, and frankly, to most who know her are worried for her safety and her kids.
So no I don't think you are a cynic, just a realist and trying to be a good friend. but I know from first hand experience it's tiring and a bit frustrating, especially when things like seizures and fainting present themselves during converstations and activities that may focus around someone else.
Remember if she DOES have some other issue, she will get the help she needs medically, you can't provide that either way, and you are already supporting her as a friend, just keep a close guard on yourself.
(I'm going anon because of the personal story above)

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, February 3, 2006 - 06:08 pm:

According to this page from the Hepatitis Information Network, seizures can occur due to therapy for hepatitis c. Not common, but recorded as occurring.

http://www.hepnet.com/nih/dusheiko.html

That said, different people handle illness differently. My dear mother, who had enough physical problems to be taking 10 different medications daily, and who was in chronic pain for the last 10 years of her life, almost never complained, and insisted on not being pampered and saying "I have to do it myself." I am one who tends to want to be left alone when I am ill or in pain, and prefer not to talk about it (probably because of my mom's example). I know people who can talk about nothing else but their various ailments, and people at all points along the scale.

If it were me, I'd believe that maybe she did have seizures because of the therapy. And, not being a medically trained person, I can't judge whether her faint/seizures were genuine, but if you are comparing them to anything you've seen on TV or movies, that's not a good comparison.

As for her wanting to be the center of attention -well, you say she's your friend, so you ought to be used to this by now.

At any rate, it's over and done with, can't be changed, and you can decide whether you want to invite her over for dinner again.

By Kim on Friday, February 3, 2006 - 06:38 pm:

If you weren't a good friend, this wouldn't bother you at all. :o)

By Anonymous on Friday, February 3, 2006 - 07:04 pm:

Thanks all for your responses.

Lisa, I don't think i will ever bring it up to her, that is her so what can i do do change her? She does have a high maintenance personality and her dh seems to handle it well enough and i have learned a few quick responses for when she tries me (a silly example is once she told me "i thought you were going to give me that silver belly chain i wanted for my birhtday..." -which as it happens was quite expensive- and i said, i gave you a nice pair of shoes and you should be happy about that).

This, however,is a serious issue. She is ill no doubt about that, she is having treatment and thank God her body has responded very well for her to have resulted negative. For this i am very happy.

Ginny, this therapy is a strong one and as i said before i am not an expert so i couldn't know. My cynicism derives from the fact that she needs more attention than other people and is constantly worrying about herself. Yes, she is my friend and I am used to this by now but that doesn't take away the fact that i feel somewhat guilty of being cynic about what she did. And part of me wants to believe her and the other part is still sceptic.

I will still be friends with her because i care about her and about her family and because my dh is very good friends with her dh. But I still need to know how to react as a good friend and as an adult but avoiding the emotional drain that situations like these can cause.

I really don't want sympathy even though i know many of you have friends or relatives like this and i appreciate it, so thank you all very much. What i was looking for was some kind of advice in how to handle my feelings be them right or wrong (after all, there is so much i can do to help it). What some of you suggested and in particular Bea's advice i think is what i'll try to do. And of course i will give her the benefit of the doubt, Lisa. I do not and cannot know it all!

By Cocoabutter on Friday, February 3, 2006 - 07:26 pm:

I am hoping that everything works out well. Really I am. Your friendship means a lot to you, and I hope you didn't think I was trying to judge whether or not she is worthy of such a wonderful blessing.

So what you are saying is that you feel guilty for feeling suspicious?

If that is so, then ask yourself, "What have I done wrong?" Guilt, by definition, is a feeling that we are responsible for having done something wrong. Having feelings is not wrong. I would not feel guilty for having feelings, even feelings of suspicion or cynicism.

As Bea said, you should mainly hold yourself responsible for your actions towards your friend and her family. Treat her with respect and dignity, and support her when you can.

As far as your feelings go, there are no easy ways to deal with them. You have made the decision to remain her friend, so you should know that it will be difficult to hear all about her trials and tribulations, all the while wondering if it isn't something she is bringing on herself. It makes me think of what therapists and counselors go through when they listen to their patients and their stories of bad luck and heartache, and how it must bring them down, too.

Maybe just give her some time, and see what happens next. But I don't think you need to feel guilty.

By Anonymous on Friday, February 3, 2006 - 07:41 pm:

Oh Lisa! Not at all! I completely understand what you are saying and i din't think that you were being judgemental. You were just comparing it to your own experience and if we don't do that how can we learn?

It would so much easier to cut ties with her, but i do care about her and her family and as long as i don't feel emtionally drained then i think i can still be there to support her as i can. I completely understand why someone would end a friendship with a person that is constantly needing something. We all need things but we learn to satisfy them without draining the people we love.

I hve learned how to handle her a little bit (and even her dh, he would say, why haven't you called? and me and dh would say, because we are busy!). I have learned that to love someone doesn't mean to become exhausted because of them. I care about her and i tell her but i also tell her very lovingly that i cannot see her very often or i cannot do this or that for her.

I tend to feel guilty about how how i feel sometimes, but that's me and i need to learn how to handle that. Thanks Lisa, and no you didn't sound judgemental at all, i actually appreciate all the points of view here. I don't deny that it is also likely that i am wrong about this whole thing. But it sure feels great to come to a place like this where i can let it all out and have you ladies throw genuine advice even if it's something i didn't want to hear!