Well, DH and I came to the opposite decision as Rayanne and her DH. We've decided to put off having another child for a while, and focus on enjoying the children we have. This is the first time in their lives that we've had the disposable income to "spoil" them, without worrying about bills, so we figured we'd take advantage of it! We've been having such difficulties with getting pregnant, we've decided it's just not the time, and we should just focus on our lives together as is for now, and feel pretty good about our decision. So, my question is for those of you with children more than 4 years apart. I'm 12 years older than my closest sibling, but we don't plan on allowing *that* large of a gap, more like 5-6 years. How do children of that age handle a new baby? Are your children close in spite of the age gap? My sister is 5 years older than my brother, and they fight like cats and dogs, which worries me. Nate is 7 years older than his middle brother, and it sometimes seemed like a huge gap growing up, just like my sister and me. What are the pros and cons of a 5 year age difference? Do any of you have a gap about that size with your siblings? Any experiences would be greatly appreciated!!

By Conni on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 11:49 am:

Yes, Brad and Blake have that much of a gap. I think Brad was 6 when Blake was born. I have to be honest, at first it was hard for me because Brad had been my *baby* for 6 yrs. I really felt alot of guilt. I think it was hard on him too. He adjusted. He is pretty laid back. Now that Blake is almost 6 and Brad recently turned 12 they get along pretty well for the most part. Obviously Brad likes some privacy and sometimes Blake intrudes on that. lol Overall they get along very well tho. And NO ONE messes with their baby brother btw. rofl They can pick on him all day long, but no one else better mess with him. They get pretty defensive of him with some of the neighbor kids.

My sisters and I are all 3 yrs apart. I am the youngest and so my oldest sis is 6 yrs older than me. We are VERY close now. Call each other and email each other a couple of times a day. It's pretty pathetic actually. Thats one of the reasons dh wanted the Vonage long distance. Ahem, because I *might* have ran the phone bill way up a few times.

Good luck with whatever you decide!!

By Marg on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 12:07 pm:

We have a 13, 10 and 5 yo. They are all girls and they all get along wonderfully.

I couldn't be more pleased due to we do not have a large family outside of us 5.

And the fact that my sister and I (3 years apart) never got along.

I'm glad we waited those in between years

By Eve on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 12:27 pm:

There are 5 years between my sister and I. We are very, very close--she's my best friend. We've always had a bond. My brother is 4 years younger than my sister and we all get along really well.

My DD is nearly 5 and DS is 8 weeks old. We're having a small adjustment period, but it's gradually getting much better. She was really excited the whole pregnancy and came to Dr.'s visits. She really enjoys having a baby in the house. She's not pleased with us so much! LOL I really love the age gap. Next Fall she'll be going to Kindergarten and I'll have time to spend with DS one on one.

Good luck with whatever you decide! I think whatever you choose will work.

By Latonya on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 12:32 pm:

My dk's are ages 13yrs, 9yrs, 7yrs, and 2yrs. The older kids love the youngest most of the time. They accepted him as soon as they found out I was pregnant. They helped with picking out clothes and bedding for his crib and planning a shower. They get a little jealous at times because he is the baby and needs more attention and things like that but nothing extreme.

By Crystal915 on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 12:32 pm:

Conni, that was one of the things I worried about, but we have a unique "advantage" since the kids are twins. They NEVER got that "Mommy's baby" thing, since they've ALWAYS had to share me. Then again, I've never been a twin, so I don't know. I worry about the new baby feeling left out since the kids have a special bond, I worry about one of them bonding to the baby because it's the same sex, and the other twin feeling left out. Basically, I just worry. My original plan had always been to have about 2-3 years between them, but life didn't work out that way, it usually doesn't follow a plan!!
Marg, did any of your girls resent the new baby? Were the older girls excited when the youngest was born?
Who knew it would be so complicated to plan a family?!

By Janet on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 01:20 pm:

My dd's are 5 years apart...16 and nearly 11. It wasn't such an issue when they were younger, but once my older dd hit middle school, they fought (and still do) like crazy! It's a game to see who can get the other into more trouble. We're talking sneaky cat fights, bickering, junk like that. The younger one is resentful of the privileges the older one gets, the older one is jealous of the attention the younger one gets, ad nauseum. The younger one says she's counting the days until the older one leaves for college. Whenever the older one tries to help the younger one with school work or give advice, the younger one cops an attitude and gets all snotty. I spend more time trying to work out these sqabbles, it drives me NUTS!!!
But, here's the thing. I have a sister 16 years older and a brother 10 years older than me, so I was basically an only child for much of my growing up years. My brother and I were very close, but my sister and I have only gotten close just recently. So I have nothing to go on, as far as sibling fights and stuff. My dh (who comes from a large family of kids close in age) says our girls' problems are nothing, it's just my perspective. Maybe that's true, I don't know.

By Crystal915 on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 01:37 pm:

Janet, that's a really good point about your siblings. My brother barely knows who I am since I moved when my mom was pregnant. My sister was 4 when I moved, so she knows me, but when I call we have nothing to chat about. Basically, it's like I'm a cousin or aunt rather than a sibling. I imagine all siblings fight when they are teens, I know my cousins (who are all a year apart) fought like cats and dogs when we were growing up. It's all kind of foriegn to me, since I was pretty much an only child as a kid.

By Ilovetom on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 01:46 pm:

Crystal- my Blake was 5 when my twins were born. Thank goodness for that- then and now!

He could do so many things for himself when they were born- it was easier on all of us.

Now they are 21 and 16. I got one about to graduate from college and 2 not far behind. And cars. I was able to pay for the boy car before I bought the twin car.

By Sunny on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 01:47 pm:

My 2nd and 3rd are 5 years, 5 months apart. When #3 was a baby, things were great. It wasn't until later when the "Don't touch my stuff" and "No, you can't come with me" started and the fights began. They are now 14 and 8 and still fight. They seem to be always antagonizing each other and getting some perverse joy out of it. I think in my house it is a pecking order kind of thing since they are so many of them. LOL But, the age difference right now is wide enough and their interests diverse enough that I understand the conflict even if I don't condone it. They do get along sometimes. I don't want you think that it is a constant battle between them, but they both still need to mature and time will tell just how close they are as adults. Your family dynamics is different, and just because it's that way in my house or somebody else's house, it doesn't mean it will be that way for you.

I was the youngest of 6, with my older brother 6 years older than me, and we fought like cats and dogs since I was old enough to remember. The only sibling I never fought with was my oldest brother and that was because there is a 15 year difference. My brother died a few years back, but as adults, we managed to get along and realized we really did love each other despite our past history.

By Marg on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 02:00 pm:

Crystal,

Our oldest was a little over 3 when dd #2 was born. Oldest dd was extremely shy and backwards it did take about 1 month for the adjustment. However, when I was pregnant with dd #3 the oldest 2 couldn't wait!

I find that you have to give each child the type of love, attention and affection they need.

3 dds and I are extremely close. They do this thing where they go 'Mommy hug' and literally knock me over.

I am blessed to have them. I share the same bond with them as I did with my mom.

The only problem I found is the youngest thought she should do everything, I mean everything the older two do. This started at a very young age, at the age of 1. Her older sisters were 9 and 6 but that didn't stop her. But it drove me nuts.

I know you'll do well whatever the situation cuz you are a good mom;)

By Bellajoe on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 02:16 pm:

My sister is 7 years older than me. I don't remember how we were as small children, but we had our days when we were pre-teen/teenagers. We could fight about anything, but then she also did my hair and took me shopping which was nice.
Now she is 36 and i am 28 and we are the very best of friends, even though we live 4 hours away from each other.

By Janet on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 02:34 pm:

Sunny...exactly! My girls are just like that!

By Missmudd on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 03:11 pm:

My guys are now almost 17, 12, 9 and 5. I never had trouble with any of them resenting the next one coming along. I figure each one had plenty of time to be the baby since they all were the youngest for at least 3 or 4 years. Sibling rivalry really hasnt been an issue since they are all in different developmental stages. Only now do I realize one of the downsides Josh graduates highschool next year and Zach starts kindergarden, my kids will be in school forever and I will be an active mom for at least a total of 30 years since I have been a mom for 17 and have at least another 13 to go!

By Melanie on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 04:37 pm:

There is 5 years 3 months between ds #1 and dd. They are incredibly close. He really wanted a baby sister so when she was born, he jumped right into the "little daddy" role. Now they are 10 and 4.5 and he still goes in to help tuck her in every night.

There is a 3.5 year spread between ds #2 and dd. They don't get along nearly as well. I think the main problem is that they are so much alike. They just don't have the same bond she has with her oldest brother. I think the personality of each child makes a bigger impact in how they get along than age gap.

By Jackie on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 05:08 pm:

All my kids are 5 yrs apart, and I love it!!!
My oldest is 11, then my daughter is 6 and Faith is 17 months.
I like it because I have only one baby at home at a time. Its such a joy to spend time with the babies one on one, when the older kids are in school. Plust my son who is 11, is wonderful with Faith. He so great with her, hes like a second mother..shhhh dont tell him I said that LOL

By Dawnk777 on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 06:56 pm:

My friend has 3 kids spaced well apart, which is the way she wanted it. She wanted each baby to have their own "baby" time with her! By the time she had another baby, the previous baby was more involved with outside activities and friends, etc.

Her's are almost all grown up now. Sherri is 23, Wendy is 19, and Jenny is 14. Jenny didn't walk until she was 16 months old, because she didn't need to. She was either being held by someone, or else her sisters could bring her stuff. I figure she didn't need to walk before then! LOL! My friend and her husband are both very mellow. I only rarely see them upset about something! So, they kids are really mellow, too.

I don't think any of them ever felt displaced by the next child coming along.

(Wow, I didn't realize that Sherri is going to be 24! I got to see her on the day she was born!)

By Truestori on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 11:06 pm:

My daughter is 12 and my son is 6! It works really well in our family. My daughter is a great help with her brother, they do argue on occassion, but all kids do! LOL

I would do it all over agin, like Jackie said you get lots of alone time with the baby and the other kids don't feel left out.

By Crystal915 on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 11:36 pm:

That is one thing I missed out on with my kids, not getting that special time alone during their early months. I think that would be really nice to have with our next child. I'm glad to hear the positive experiences you guys had with an age gap! Thanks!