My dd was ill Wednesday night and all day Thursday. I think it was the flu. She ran a temperature all day and only drank liquids. She had a restless night Thursday. So Friday comes and she still has a slight temperature and seems better but not herself.

My husband and I are having marital problems. He has been especially cold to me lately. I think it has to do with the stress he feels. It makes things worse between us. He's been out of work for six years. He had an industrial accident that left him with chronic back pain and he is no longer able to do a lot of the physical work he once could do. He went back to school to become a computer systems engineer, but has not found work in that field yet. We are living at his mother's. She is supporting us and has been for four of the six years.

Today his mother wanted to come over and play with my dd. The house was not in the best of order because I was taking care of dd yesterday, holding her for the most part, and my dh was gone all day in class. (He has returned for more schooling.) I suggested to my dd that it was not the best day for his mom to come and visit. Dd was still not well, and I was starting to feel ill also. He grew angry, and once I left the room, he told my daughter he would take her to the park, then to grandma's. My daughter happily came to tell me the news.

I became upset and told my daughter, "no honey, not the park today, you are still sick." Then I went to dh and asked what was he thinking? It was a sunny day but quite cold. My daughter burst out in tears, holding dh's leg pleading to go. She kept saying, "mommy said no, mommy said no."

How could I do this to my daughter? It's one thing to disagree with my dh, but to put her in the middle? I should have talked to him in private. She should have never known I was upset. I keep seeing her face, and how she held on to daddy. I had to walk out of the house and take a walk only to come back and see they were gone. They came back five hours later, and dd seemed tired but okay. I probably was over reacting. I really thought she needed another day to rest. And my husband was angry with me. It felt like he did this to upset me.

Thank you for listening and I appreciate a place to talk. I love my daughter so very much. Why can't I be the mother she deserves? I just keep seeing her face. How could I hurt her this way?

By Kaye on Saturday, January 21, 2006 - 09:34 am:

You are the mother she deserves. I fully believe that God chose you to be her mother. Did you make a mistake yesterday, yes and no. So did your dh. But you can't go back and do anything about that. However you can file this information away for next time. Also can you talk to your dh and just say, ya know I don't think I handled that very well. Next time we disagree, how about we talk about in a different room. ((hugs)) You will get through this, just make a plan, talk out your plan and work the plan.

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, January 21, 2006 - 09:36 am:

You are by no means an unfit mother. And, seems to me your husband put your dd in the middle. He should have known, and probably did know, that you wouldn't think it a good idea for your dd to go when she still has a temp, especially after being sick for two days.

I have to go out and can't take the time to think carefully about what I want to say, but I do want to say that you love your daughter and you are a good mother. Any mother who spends the whole day cuddling and holding a sick child is a good mother, and any mother who worries about taking a child with a temp outside and visiting is a good mother. I'm sorry your daughter was hurt, and we do that sometimes - I have definitely been there, done that. But I don't the fault was yours, even if you were the one being the Wicked Witch (also been there, done that).

Hugs and sympathy. More comment later, maybe.

By Amecmom on Saturday, January 21, 2006 - 10:08 am:

You did nothing wrong and you are not and unfit mother. An unfit mother would have said, "take her out and let me have some peace" An unfit mother does what is best for mom, not what is best for the child.

I am sorry your husband could not do what was best for her. He should have said, "Oh that's right, honey. You seem so much better today that I forgot you were sick. You are probably still a little sick, so stay in today and then we can go out and play tomorrow."

Parents need to present a united from all the time. I never contradict my husband in front of the children and he never contradicts me. What I will do is a gentle reminder if he suggests something that I think is bad.

Example: He wanted to take Randy outside to play in the snow, and Randy wanted to go.

I said, "Playing in the snow sounds like fun, but remember it's very cold outside and you just got over being sick" That's when my husband said, "Yes, that's right. Let's build with some blocks instead and we can play outside on another day when it's a little warmer."

We often do things like that - he also reminds me in the same way and this way we never argue infront of them.
Hugs. You are in a very stressful situation, so I don't know if talking about it will help, but maybe you can try. Just hang in there!
Ame

By Anonymous on Sunday, January 22, 2006 - 06:47 pm:

Thank you so much Kaye, Ginny and Ame. I'm sorry I didn't get here yesterday to read these.

I appreciate your words more than you know. I'm going to try to talk to my dh when we are all feeling better.