(Some of you will know who I am but I don't want this to be able to be searched.)

Why me? It was enough going through PPD with DD, enough to make me question whether we should have more children because I fear PPD. It's evil. The guilt you live with once cured is worse than the disease itself. I feel so blue. DH and I talked in bed last night for over 2 hours and to my surprise, he was very supportive and tried to understand. Talking made me feel better since I felt alone keeping my feelings bottled up. I've been this way since finding out the sex. I don't know why. I'm excited that we're having a boy. I keep having nightmares about him getting circumsized. I'm scared that i'll "fail" again and PPD will take over. I'm scared that i'll prepare myself as much as possible but will still end up with PPD. And my anxiety and fears are causing a sort of depression now. It's like my biggest fear is knocking at my door as we speak. I'm going to mention it to my midwife at my appt on Tuesday and hopefully we can find a (non-medicinal) way to get this under control. I feel bad that I feel this way. I feel bad that i'm not sharing the recent excitement with my DH. I feel emotionally unattached to the world. I've been reading about this all morning and i'm going to try my hardest to conquer it before it conquers me. If anyone has any advice, throw it out there. I hate being like this and i'm going to make it go away.

By Kate on Friday, January 6, 2006 - 04:35 pm:

I'm sorry. I know one of your fears was that you would have a boy and that statement your husband made would become a problem...the 'if it's a boy I'll finally be a real father' or something like that. You wanted another girl so your first child wouldn't get less attention from her daddy and be left out. I'm sure those fears are lurking. Maybe talk with your husband...remind him he made that statement and tell him your fears about him favoring his son over his daughter. I know you also have fears about his gambling and maybe you're wondering if someday he'll take his son under his wing and your son will take up these bad habits, too. I think you need to talk to him all about your hopes, dreams, and fears for your family...for both children, too. Tell him what you expect...equal treatment of his children, no favortism, etc.

As for circumcision, have you definitely made up your mind about it? Even if you have, I recommend that you make sure you've done thorough research on the topic so that whatever you decide, you will feel you are acting in an intelligent manner. If you do it, my best advice is to INSIST on anesthesia of some sort. But research, research, research! If you do it and the baby has a horrible time of it and you feel horrible about it, at least you'll have the peace of mind that you spent lots of time beforehand studying the issue and that you acted in what you believed was the best interest of your baby.

Good luck.

By Anonymous on Friday, January 6, 2006 - 04:42 pm:

You know, after recents talks and talking last night, I don't think we'll have a problem with favoritism. He cut WAY back on his 2nd job and spends a lot of time with DD now and is constantly telling me how much he loves their relationship now. I *do* think some of my worries include my lack of a general respect for the male species and the fear that my boy will be one of those women hating perverts or disrespectful etc... I voiced my concerns with DH last night about that too and we're going to do a lot more talking about how I personally would morally like a boy to be raised and how he feels about certain issues. The circumcision is a for sure thing. DH insists and I personally believe some statements regardless what medical "experts" have to say. It's just a fear i'll have to overcome. I just wish they'd let DH in the room with him while it's done.

By Anonymous on Friday, January 6, 2006 - 04:46 pm:

I had serious PPD for about 7 months and I know how you feel. I was suicidal at one point just to make the craziness in my head go away. I got to the point where I literally felt like I couldn't take what was going on in my head anymore. Then the anxiety attacks start, I so have been there. {{hugs to you}} I'm not planning to have more children for other reasons, but let me just say if I was I would be terrified of feeling that way again. I did not get medication at any time and I wish that I had because it put a lot of strain on my marriage and my life in general. I highly suggest that you talk to your doctor about your depression and let he/she prescribe some medication for you. PPD and pregnancy depression are so much more common than you realize. There are medications that can safely be taken for this during pregnancy if you feel you need it, but most definitely if you experience PPD. I've learned that it's not worth it when there is medicine out there to help you during that terrible time. I personally tried to "make it go away" on my own and it just doesn't happen. PPD is chemically out of your control until the hormones start balancing out again. I talked and talked and talked some more and thought 'this will make me feel better' and it lasted about one day. It just goes deeper than talking and working through things when it is really PPD.

I feel for you and I understand your fears. Please talk with your doctor about your previous PPD (if he/she does't already know) and your fears about recurrence of it. You're not alone and your doctor can help you. There's nothing to be ashamed of and it's okay that it happens to you. But don't waste precious time with your 'new' family because of your depression. I've BTDT and it's not worth it when there's help out there for you. Good luck and {{{lots of hugs}}}

By Tink on Friday, January 6, 2006 - 05:29 pm:

I dealt with PPD after all of my pregnancies and I HAD to be on medication. I was completely devastated to find out that I was having a boy with my second pregnancy and that alone triggered a huge depression. I am so glad to hear that your DH is willing to discuss how you'd like your ds to be raised and is spending so much more time with your dd. I think it's really important to remember that PPD is NOT failure, not treating it and allowing it to take over IS! PPD is a hormonal-induced chemical imbalance (contrary to Tom Cruise's beliefs!) and, if you do suffer from it again, there are ways to help, some pharmaceutically, some not. Don't decide now what you will and won't do to treat it. Just accept that it may happen again (it doesn't always, the first baby is such an adjustment) and decide that you'll do what needs to be done to make sure you are at the top of your game. You and your family deserve nothing but the best!

By Emily7 on Friday, January 6, 2006 - 06:31 pm:

I had severe ppd with my first child, I was put on medication & went to counseling. With dd I didn't suffer with it much at all. I had the baby blues a little, but nothing in comparison.
I think talking to your midwife is a great idea.

As for circumcision, I was in the room with ds & the worst part was that he was held down, they numb the penis prior to doing it. Please don't let anyone guilt you or scare you in to changing your decision- whatever that may be.

((Hugs)) It will be all right, you are a great mom, just look at your dd- she is healthy, happy & loves you right...you have done a great job.

By Juli4 on Friday, January 6, 2006 - 06:33 pm:

I have forever been changed since my last daughter was born. I had ppd very bad and it was my third baby and with the other two it wasn't as bad. I think my dh lost a lot of respect for me during that time and I for myself because " I couldn't handle it". That is one of my biggest fears for having another kid. I did learn a lot of coping skills and eventually got through it, but taking care of it early would be a huge help and I recommend that you do all you can before the baby is born and do not be ashamed to get help even if it is medicinal after the baby is born.

By Conni on Friday, January 6, 2006 - 07:28 pm:

PPD, BTDT during my 3rd pregnancy and after the birth... Totally sucked!!!

I also ate McDonald's everyday like the guy on SUPER SIZE ME.

Congrats to you for recognizing the signs and being brave enough to talk w/ your dh about it and share your fears / feelings w/ us. BIG ((((HUGS))))

Circumcision, BTDT 3x. No problem.

Favortism... here's some favrotism for you BOYS ADORE THEIR MOMMIES. My boys tell me the nicest things sometimes. Makes my heart go all a flutter. They come home from someone's house and that person will say to me that my boys talked about ME the whole time. Never mentioned their Dad. lol My sister's boys are the same way about them. I swear Brad use to write me love letters. And I could swear my dh use to be jealous of me and Blake. So, you just prepare to have your heart melted by your new little man.

If you want to chat email me.

clmcdan at yahoo . com

By Breann on Friday, January 6, 2006 - 08:09 pm:

((((hugs))))

Are you sure they won't let you DH in for the circumcision? My DH and I were both invited to attend my DS's circumcision procedure. We both declined.

Don't let your mind overtake you. Be strong and you will conquer the depression. Have you been exercising? That helps with depression. Meditation also. Cutting out caffeine helps with anxiety. Those are the only non-medicine type treatments that I know of.

By Rayanne on Friday, January 6, 2006 - 10:25 pm:

Oh sweetie. I don't know what to say. I just wanted to send you some {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

By Eve on Saturday, January 7, 2006 - 08:40 am:

((HUG)) I understand what it's like to deal with depression! No fun when it takes hold. I'm glad you recognize the symptoms though!

As for the boy thing, I totally understand how that feels after having a girl. I thought "I have all the clothes! I know how to deal with a girl! What will I do with a boy?" I was sort of worried that I would feel differently about Mason. Everyone said "Boys are so different!" Well, to my amazement, I bonded right away with him and he's my little peanut. I feel the same feelings I did for my DD. I now LOVE having a boy! You will too, promise.

As for cicumcision--it was so not a big deal. I was even saying to my DH "Look how good it looks!" LOL Also when a nurse asked who did it because it looked great, I was a very proud Mommy. LOL Our Ped. did give us the option of being in the room with him when he had it done. We opted not to. It just goes to show, you will get right into having a boy. Hope that helps some.

Also, it's my understanding that Zoloft is totally safe to take during pregnancy. I have a friend who took it both her pregnancies. I think if you feel yourself not coming out of this, please inform your Dr.! Feel better!

By Anonymous on Saturday, January 7, 2006 - 12:46 pm:

Thanks for your point of view Eve. It makes me feel better. I have my appt on Tuesday and i'm definitely going to address the issue and try to take control. I'm definitely not against taking meds but i'd like to try to do things without them first. Especially while pregnant. I feel bad when I have to take Tylenol so it kind of worries me to take medications while pregnant but I guess if I have to then I will.

By Amyk on Saturday, January 7, 2006 - 08:13 pm:

I always thought I'd want a girl - my ds is 2 now and the light of my life - yes, little boys love their mommies - and it has done a lot to heal how I felt about my disinterested father! It is nice to have a male that worships the ground you walk on! (Even if that part is short-lived). You are going to be just fine - you have so much to look forward to! You are now an experienced mommy and even if PPD shows up, you will know what to do right away - and be able to reach out and get the support you need!

Hang in there!!

By Feona on Sunday, January 8, 2006 - 06:32 pm:

I don't see how anyone could not be miserable when pregnant. Lets see.. I can't take my daily walks because I get downward pain if I walk to much or even alittle. The baby feels like it wants out now. The baby is exploring the cervics with his head or feet or hands. I tried to go out to dinner with my husband and son last night. I got pain in my upper stomach for my trouble. Felt like a band had been tied around my upper stomach and my husband had to help me to the car like I was an invalid. Seems 1/16 of a steak, one baked potato and some carrots and a side ceasar salad is too much food for my stomach to handle. Of course that is scary so I will decrease my activity level again. If I move any less I will become a statue.

I tried to take ds to the children's museum once or twice a week since he gets out of school at 2pm. If I eat to much for lunch I can't breath at the museum or anywhere and get dizzy. Seems too much food is like two cheese sandwich in volume. So I can choose to eat or breath. Fun....

If I lay down sometimes I can't breath... If I sit in a chair sometimes I can't breath... IF I stand I get downward pressure and sometimes can't breath.

Neither mind other fun symptons that I won't mention. Oh yeah pregnancy is a ball of fun.... My other son just slept for 9 month, I think. I hope the little guy just stays in the belly for two more months. He really wants out. I can't believe I got used to him using my cervics as a punching or kicking bag. The hormones are fun too. At least I stopped throwing up about 3 weeks ago and can sort of eat now.

By the way hot milk is very good for sleeping. Had some last night and it worked. I even had some this afternoon because I wanted to rest after last night incident.

By Andi on Monday, January 9, 2006 - 01:28 pm:

Can't help with the PPD, I never had it.

The Circumcision really isn't a big deal. DH was in the room with DS and said it really isn't that bad.

By Anonymous on Monday, January 9, 2006 - 05:03 pm:

I can really relate with the ppd. My episodes with it seem to hit me months after I had my babies. To be honest, I'm still going through a bit of it now. It makes me feel like a horrible mother and a horrible wife. I can't make myself snap out of it. It's just our hormones trying to get regulated again and doing a number on our body and brain. I finally went on some meds (prozac). Not sure if it's safe during pregnancy. One of the side effects for me have been crazy weird dreams. I've been on them for about 2 weeks now and I've started to feel a difference for the past 3 days.

I hope things work out for you.