In-laws & Christmas gifts
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In-laws & Christmas gifts
Is there anyone in your family who gives/has given your child/ren more at least as much as you give them for Christmas?
If so, would it bother you?
My in-laws give TONS of gifts at Christmas. From the day I started dating my DH, I got more gifts from them than I did my own parents at Christmas. Partly because they have the $ and partly because my parents just don't think Christmas is a time for sooo many gifts. I always sensed that my parents felt strange that my in-laws (before and after we were married) gave me more than they every thought of.
Now I know what that feels like! My in-laws gave our dd just as much $ and quantity-wise as we gave to her. I don't know how I feel about that. Part of me says I should just think "Yay, my dd had an extra wonderful Christmas", and part of me wants to say "We're her parents and our Christmas to her should be better than anyone else's." I know there's nothing I can do about it but....Am I being selfish? How would you feel? Does this happen in your family? Is this 'normal' and I just don't know it? I've just been thinking about it today and not sure what how I feel about it yet.
Thanks for your input! 
My X-inlaws used to do that with Jules and Jason when they were very young, because, as they said, *they were the only grandchildren*. Of course, there ended up being 5 more, and Jeff and Jen got the short end of the gift stick AND the time/attention stick after the others came along.
I can understand the way you feel. For several reasons. Not the least of which, Christmas is NOT all about who gets the most toys.
My in-laws give tons of gifts (often obnoxiously loud toys/small pieces) to the kids. It doesn't bother me (except the noise/small pieces thing!!) because they missed out on their first 2 Christmases, and these are their only grandchildren. My grandmom was very wealthy when I was little, and spoiled all of the grandkids, much more than our parents could afford. I honestly think it's a grandparents' right, it's why they have grandkids. ;)
My in-laws give the kids a reasonable amount of gifts, like a couple smaller things, from each person. I don't have a problem with it. Usually they have conferred with me about what kids want, so the kids end up getting things they really wanted, like a Kohl's gift card for Sarah and a Breyer model horse for Emily.
Well, this could turn into a huge vent about our family (meaning DH's and mine) but I will skip that and say... I can not wait to be a grandma.. And I can't wait to spoil them.. I would hope that my children wouldn't be offended by my buying gifts for my grandchildren, be it one or many. And I honestly doubt they will, considering the crappy job the grandparents in my children's lives have done for them.. And I am not talking just the gifts, I could careless about that and the kids could care too.. Oh the examples I could give of how bad the grandparent issues is here... It is the grandparents that make me want to move out of state.. At least then I could justify to my kids the self centered people that raised DH and myself.. (my MIL lives with us, so she is a different story)
But... I would be thankful if anyone showed interest in our children beyond the limited nonsense they try to pull off as grand parenting.. Sad sad state of affairs on this end..
If they have the money then they have the money... Christmas isn't about who buys the most presents. Are they good grandparents, that's what I want to know?
Oh, I guess I should add my parents spoil the kids, but are much more likely to buy bonds or something than tons of toys. They still have kids at home, so they can sympathize. All the grandparents and great-grands are great, although we don't get to see them as much as we'd like.
It's not really about the $...we *choose* a specific amt. to spend on her based on what we think we is appropriate for her age.
I understand the 'spoiling' viewpoint because I also feel that is a grandparent's role in a lot of ways, but I still feel uneasy about it. Like I said before, I'm still not sure what I think. And...there's really nothing I can do about it anyway. I appreciate the viewpoints.
We also give lists and then she gets a ton more than what is on the list.
Bobbie- They are decent grandparents, and I know that's relative to everyone's experiences. IMO, yes they are decent.
I appreciate your thoughts everyone! I really can see all sides of this.
Deanna, I'm with you on this one. My parents used to be like this with my boys. Growing up we have tons of Christmas gifts and you know what it did for me? Turned me into a spoiled brat! I used to be very greedy and selfish (still working on the selfish part sometimes) and I would literally count gifts between my brother, sister, and me. Ugh! Anyway, because I felt like we got too much for Christmas, DH and I really scaled back for our kids because we want them to focus on the real reason for Christmas and not be greedy brats. My parents started wanting to buy "the gift" each year---you know the most desired Santa gift like a bike or something. I wouldn't let them do that, so then they just started going for sheer quantity, but they bought off-brand and made in China crap---and a lot of it!---that just broke apart, but boy did it look like a huge spread of toys. Over the past few years they have started to "get it." This year the boys each got a cool T-shirt and some money. Much better!
Both sets of grandparents are good, involved grandparents. It is just the "stuff" factor that is the problem. And you can do something about it, but your DH will have to be the main advocate for scaling back. I do agree that it is a grandparent's privilege/right or whatever to spoil the grandkids, but that does not mean that they get to go against your parenting rules (i.e., buying your child a toy gun if you don't allow guns) or morals (i.e., overwhelming your child with the commercialism of Christmas). It is a hard conversation to have, but if you can do it it does work. I know how tough it is--it's taken until my kids are 9 and 11 for my parents to get it.
P@m--so as not to offend family who might find this.
DH's sister decided for the family this year that we would only give gifts to the children, which was fine with me as last year I spent over $1,500 on gifts for everyone.
So SIL has 3 children and we got them each a small gift to open about $15 gift and then they got a $50 gift certificate to a music store where they could buy cds or dvds. I thought this was plenty.
Well they sent gifts with DH's parents, as they live in another city. Then sent tons of toys and clothes, way, way too much stuff. Their children even sent gifts to DH and I. Part of me thinks that they must think we are really cheap and part of me is ticked off, they made the rules then didn't stick to them. DH and I should not have received a gift. I was expecting one gift for each child. They also sent gifts that were not age appropriate, they sent Matt (21 months) radio control cars that are 3 years plus, so some of the gifts I have to put away, not only that we now a mountain of toys, so I guess I'll have to get rid of some stuff. They also sent Cameron (3 months) a rocking horse with is for 18 months plus, I know he will use it eventually, but it was an expensive and in my opinion an unnecessary gift at this time, Matthew however is loving it.
Giving lots of presents in my mind is not what Christmas is about and it turns me off. So I will have to have DH have a talk with his sister for next year as there is no way I will send that much stuff to their children.
My mother sent money, which I will use to buy a new carseat, and DH's parents did not get excessive with the gifts. Each child got an outfit and a few books and toys.
When we first got married, I was upset because my mil made a stocking for dd, then 2. I felt that that should be a Santa thing. But it was no big deal once dd was old enough to know that it was not from Santa there, it was from Grandma. She does stockings for dh and me, also.
She does go crazy at Christmas buying gifts for the kids, but she doesn't buy for them at all throughout the year, except on birthday and other Holidays. In a way it drives me crazy, because I feel like it would mean something to the kids getting something "just because". She bought them a teddy bear that reads the entire "Twas the night before Christmas" story, and instead of just giving it to them a few weeks before Christmas so they could enjoy it, she wrapped it up for them as a gift. I suggested she give it to them early, so they could enjoy it, so she let them have it a week before Christmas.
But, she does ask me about gifts, and makes sure she gets them something they both really want. She also asks me about other items so she doesn't get anything that we are already planning on getting. Actually, since I came to terms with it, it makes things easier on me, because she can get the kids a high dollar item that they really want, and it is one less thing I have to worry about. Like she got my daughter a furry blue oversize moon chair from Girls Unlimited in the mall. It was the exact one my daughter had wanted since before her birthday, so that is what she got her. Plus lots of other things.
However, hubby and I still put tons of thought into our gifts to the kids, so they are more special because it's often things that we have picked up from their conversations and such. We also tend to get more than we ever need to get, but like I said, we really enjoy Christmas.
My parents don't get as much for my kids at Christmas. Maybe 3 or 4 gifts, plus the luggage they bought us. But the kids told them they understand because they buy for them all year long.
I guess it really bothered me the first couple of years we were married, but things have worked out and we just enjoy the fact that the kids get that extra special Christmas. But yes, when the kids were babies, and didn't understand a lot I was very jealous and resentful that she seemed to "overshadow" me, especially since her Christmas came first on Christmas Eve, and ours was on Christmas morning.
It'll get better though! You may still have some issues, but all in all it gets better...
I appreciate everyone's thoughts! It's a little strange with them..(I'm working all this out, so bear with me)....honestly, they don't seem to give so many gifts because they want a certain Christmas status. I really think they give them because they really want to and I have to say every single gift they gave Natalie was appropriate and a great choice. All this is just new to me I guess. They are both retired now and have cut back tremendously and I can't imagine if they were both still working and we had Natalie. Then we would be VERY overshadowed to say the least.
It was like getting 2 identical Christmases, and I just want the "home" Christmas to stand out for whatever reason that might be.
Luvn29, I think you're probably right about it getting better in the sense that I will probably just get more used to it. Anon, I think that the potential is there for the "talk". This *is* our first real year of Christmas with a child, so we'll see how it goes next year. I think it's something that we just need to be aware of.
One other part of it is the difference between the g'parents and their gifts. As she gets older, I don't want her saying "G'ma & G'pa H got me all of this and I only got 2 things from G'pa & G'ma D", you know? That will upset me if/when that happens. Hopefully we are raising her in such a way that those comments won't be made.
I find I have a lot of very mixed feelings reading this thread. My parents were very good about not overdoing it for my kids - but since they grew up poor and I grew up poor, they had a sense of not overdoing, because for so many years they couldn't afford to. The biggest gifts they gave when they could afford it (long after I was a mom) were to me - a microwave one year, for example, and greatly appreciated.
My youngest son spent more on gifts for my granddaughter (his niece) this first Christmas than I did, and that didn't bother me because he got so much pleasure in buying them (we did our shopping for Brooke together). And when my dear dil unwrapped the gifts for Brooke, and raved over the gifts Scott got for Brooke, as they were absolutely perfect, it was a joy to see the light in his face and the way he melted down.
I think I will have to be careful in the future, though, to not overdo. It is so hard to stay out of baby departments when I am in a department store (I posted on this before), and I find myself looking at clothes (pink, and ruffles!) every time. But my dil feels that Brooke has enough clothes for now and for the next several months, and given the rapid rate at which she will grow, doesn't want more clothes, so I will have to just look and imagine. I will admit, I was absolutely delighted and a bit gloating when I saw that Brooke was wearing the Christmas outfit I bought yesterday.
I think if the grandparents are present when the gifts are opened, they must get a lot of pleasure out of your childrens' reactions, and it would be a shame to take that away from them. But I agree with someone above, the grandparents should not give the *big* gift, unless there is no other way to afford it in the year when it is appropriate. It is the parents' right to be the givers of the main or big gift.
My son and dil are going to set up a college account for Brooke after the first of the year, and I think what they will ask of all family members in the future is that they give some gifts to Brooke, but if they want to give more, to put some money in the college account. That might be a good thing to suggest to your various parents if they can afford it and want to give more - to give to their grandchild/children's future. I remember my grandmother (my mom's mother) often gave me savings bonds at Christmas and birthday, and when I was an adult and at a particularly broke time, I used them with gratitude for her forethought.
I will conclude by saying that I think it is a grandparent's right (certainly my right) to spoil grandchildren a bit, as long as it isn't in a way that can intefere with the values the parents are trying to instil in their children. So a mild excess of gifts is OK, imo, so long as it doesn't lead to the child feeling s/he has a *right* to get a lot of stuff and develop the greed and counting-of-gifts someone mentioned above. It's a tightrope walk for parents and grandparents, and everyone has to keep in mind that, in general, everyone wants to do what is best for the child/children - but may occasionally need reminding about it.
Maybe those of you who want to have a *talk* with your parents or in-laws might be able to remind them that they probably exercised restraing with their own children because they knew it was best for the child in developing values, and that they would certainly want to do the same *best* for their grandchildren.
Bottom line for me, when I was actively raising my children, is that they are my children and I will decide what is best for them. And I will have to remember that and stand by with my mouth shut when I don't agree with any particular thing my son and dil are doing with my granddaughter. One of the things I remember cherishing about my parents is the way they bit their tongues when it was so very clear to me that they didn't agree with the way I was handling some particular event with one of my sons, but they didn't say anything at the time or later. I will always remember that with gratitude and bless them for their patience and their silence.
My SIL and BIL and Gary and me, decided not to exchange gifts. Joan has enough kids to buy presents for and it's hard to buy presents for adults. It really is fine.
My 2 sisters and I don't exchange gifts with each other, too, for the same reason. We only give to the kids.
Grandma and Grandpa are reasonable about the gifts they give and I don't ave a problem with their gifts. They usually give cool stuff, too!
Every year my fil and mil ask what I want and what my son wants for Christmas. It always bothers me because I don't want to appear as if I'm asking them for stuff. I used to skirt around it and not really answer until they gave me expensive stuff I didn't really like - so now I just answer. They always get me whatever I say (I take care to say something around the price range that I know they want to spend). This year they asked, I answered and they didn't give what we asked for. I don't care at all about that for me but for my son I told them something that he had been really wanting and I certainly would have gotten him if I would have known they didn't get it. So from now on I'm just going to give them an idea of what my son likes at the time (they never see him even though we only live 45 min. away) and leave the specific stuff to Santa.
Deanna, my mom sounds a lot like your in-laws. She spends SO much on Christmas and, really, DH and I couldn't possibly compete (and wouldn't!), but everything is a thought-out and appropriate gift for each child. My mom rarely spends more than $15-20 on a gift the rest of the year, except for birthdays, and the gifts she gives at Christmas, are all for the joy of seeing the kids open and enjoy her choices. I really don't question it since my grandparents were the same way. My in-laws only get each child an outfit and two toys/books/games but my kids haven't ever compared the two set of g-parents. I do feel like the kids don't appreciate the "smaller" gifts as much because they are overshadowed by EVERYthing she gives them on this one day but I know her heart is in the right place and I always try to determine intentions before I get offended by someone or something.
Deanna, I can see how you feel. But, I also trust your parenting skills enough so that she will never feel like that.
Your traditions, your love, and your home are what will make Christmas special. It's the *time* that you spend with her that will mean the most!
ie: The cookies you guys baked! Those memories will mean the most.
So, while I can see why you don't want to be overshadowed at Christmas, I know that Natalie will have it in her heart not to feel like that. She has a great mommy and daddy...for sure.
Plus, maybe you can figure out a way to spread out their presents so it doesn't seem so overwhelming. She's such a cutie...I can see why they spoil her!
My mil is "challenged" when it comes to gift giving and my dk's get almost nothing from her and nothing they like.
My parents, on the other hand, rival us and Santa combined! It is like a second Christmas morning at their house every year. I'm glad that they enjoy spoiling their grandchildren, but I wish they wouldn't go overboard quite so much. We really don't have the room for it all and every year around Christmas we have to get rid of stuff to make room for new stuff. BTW, they go overboard with me and dh too. I understand that they have the money to do it, but sometimes I feel bad because my budget for them (yes, I have a Christmas budget for everyone on my list), while not a small sum, isn't even close to what they spend on us.
Both sets of parents give my children way to much. It doesn't bother, but now that I expect it we REALLY pare down what we get the kids.
For example, my dd. She got 2 outfits and a make up case from us. From Santa she got "dream life".
From the inlaws she got an expensive pair of inline skates, pads and 50 dollars cash.
The other inlaws she got a knitting book, and a 40 dollar gift certificate.
From my dad she is getting a gameboy ds, several outfits, and a stocking full of things I don't know about, a james avery silver charm, and as a group gift the kids got a trampoline with enclosure.
I have three kids and all their stuff looks like that. And that is how it always is, so I just adjust. I also am thankful that I can spend less for Christmas on them, since we have to buy for 30 people.
My in laws always have to give the most and biggest presents it seems or my mil is not happy. My mil is not capable of buying a few nice gifts for each, but has to buy tons of meaningless stuff because she can't walk out of the store without buying it. So the fact that she buys them is not the problem it is that she can't feel good about herself unless she get a lot of gifts (few with little meaning) and the fact that she doesn't buy soley on wanting to give, but that she CAN"T not buy things when she goes shopping
So the amount doesn't bother me, but I would rather have a few gifts that are nice and specifically chosen for the individual than tons of stuff that is bought to make themselves feel better at the time.
My parent by each kid several things. They only have four grandkids though and will not be having anymore. I don't think they over do it. They ask for ideas also. My mom started out making them by age a quilt each year. My ds was first last year because he is the oldest. This year she must have some time on her hands because the other three dk's got there's and my dh got one. I put in my request for next year! My mil lives with us and does not have very much money and she does what she can. She spoils them in other ways that drives me nuts. I actually would prefer she would buy for her gk's she doesn't see more. All in all everyone does a good job. I don't know how I would feel honestly if my parents out did me.
My mother was a Christmas junky, from both sides, religiously and gift buying. I would do AYTHING to have my kids spoiled with love, stories and toys any time of the year, she passed away 6 1/2 years ago.
For those of you who are "ticked" off by other peoples generosity really should remember, it's the season of giving, and some people just really like the giving. Just say thank you and don't read anything into it.
My in-laws just gave my kids each one outfit.
we have not exchanged gifts with my mom yet, but i think she got my ds a remote control car and my dd a Jasmine doll.
I'm glad that they get more gifts at home on Christmas morning than they do with the grandparents.
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