Ways to Maintain a Successful Relationship
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Ways to Maintain a Successful Relationship
Okay, so maybe I don't have the "perfect" marriage and shouldn't be handing out advice but I ran across this and immediately thought about "anon" and thought she and others may find use of it. I pretty much ream Dr. Phil into this site since i've been reading a lot of his books, his internet site and watching the show. Heck, I wish the man could spend a week at my house.
Maintaining a Successful Relationship
Five and a half years into their marriage, Stacy and Chris, a Dr. Phil Family, ask for help rebuilding their union. Dr. Phil offers this advice.
Have a solid friendship.
"Ask yourself what kind of friend you are being to your mate," Dr. Phil says. He asks Chris and Stacy what they enjoy doing with their friends, whether it be talking about silly things or sharing a good joke together. He then advises them to apply that same openness to their own relationship. "If you want a good friend, be a good friend," he suggests.
Meet each others' needs.
"The success of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it meets the needs of two people," Dr. Phil explains. He tells Chris that he needs to discover what Stacy's needs are. "Maybe she needs a soft place to fall that day or she needs a shoulder to cry on," he says. He tells Stacy that she doesn't always need to agree with her husband, but she should figure out his needs, whether it's saying that she's proud of him, or that he looks nice that day.
Set specific goals.
"Wake up each morning and say, 'What can I do today to advance the ball?'" Dr. Phil advises. Even small things will accumulate over time and make a difference. Find a quiet moment each day and come up with a specific goal to improve your relationship, whether it's calling your spouse during the day just to say hi, or telling your mate that you love him or her more often. Make a conscious effort.
Get back to basics.
"The idea is to have some concept of what a marriage and a partnership is supposed to be and start doing those things," Dr. Phil urges. Write down your definitions of a successful relationship and live up to those definitions. Focus on the fundamental things that are going to make a difference in the long run.
Take responsibility.
You can't control the way your spouse acts in your relationship, but you can control how you react in negative situations. "You have to take 100 percent responsibility for what you're doing in a relationship," Dr. Phil says. "Decide what you believe and hold to be true, and conduct yourself 100 percent consistent with that."
Turn the negatives into a to-do list.
After getting failing grades on Dr. Phil's Relationship Health Profile Test, Stacy and Chris are instructed to turn their negative answers into positive actions. For example, if you don't have fun with your partner, you need to make a list of enjoyable activities you can do together. Ask yourself, what would make your answer on the quiz change?
http://drphil.com/articles/article/142
And here's one about Saving a Marriage:
Saving a Marriage
Couples who are trying to work their way back from a near-divorce are faced with the ultimate challenge. Rebuilding trust and infusing the partnership with love takes introspection, forgiveness and a lot of time and effort. Dr. Phil presents the following points for couples to consider when trying to heal a damaged relationship.
# Homework: Write down what you need from your partner.
Dr. Phil asks couples to write down the 10 things that they would like to see more of (or less of) from their partner. This exercise can illuminate many of the misunderstandings that couples face.
# What are you doing to contaminate your relationship?
Each partner carries emotional issues from the past into the current relationship. Be sure to examine what you are bringing into the dynamic as well as looking at what your partner is doing.
# Have you built an emotional wall?
Many people have unconsciously built emotional walls that prevent them from truly becoming close with their friends and family. As you attempt to reconnect with your partner, be sure to ask yourself if you have blocked yourself off emotionally from the one you hope to be intimate with once again. And remember that you have to knock down your emotional wall — nobody can do it for you.
# Make an effort to communicate from the heart.
When speaking to your partner, especially in a time of crisis, be sure that you are speaking from the heart and not simply saying the words that you think he or she wants to hear.
# Ask yourselves if you've ever really met each other.
It is possible to be married for years and still not truly know each other. Many people hide behind social masks — a protective measure that keeps friends and family from really understanding them. Take the time to get to know yourself; it is a process that will ultimately lead to others knowing you as well.
http://drphil.com/articles/article/349
I'm sorry to post about this but I really feel for anon and want things to work out for her, if that's what she wants.
Thank you so much for posting this. I have heard him speak of this on his show from time to time. Honestly though, I couldnt imagine either one of us doing any of it. Sad I know.
Anon, when DH and I had marriage problems back in early 2004 I had the same attitude as you. I couldn't imagine myself doing those things. I read Dr. Phils book Relationship Rescue and it gave me some great things to think about. I think what really made the change was that DH and I got into a pretty big argument one night and mentioned divorce. We both sat down surprised at the fact that divorce was mentioned and really just thought that something needed to change. The way we were living then was not working and it had to change for both of our happiness. Whether it was counseling, separation or whatever. I think we both hit rock bottom and when it came down to it we loved each other very much and didn't want to lose what we had. Maybe one day you'll get to that point of hitting "rock bottom" and want to work on things? I dunno. But i'll be thinking of you.
Anon, your apathy about your marriage simply staggers me. Like Ginny said in her previous post, I am trying to be sympathetic, but it seems like you don't really care. I think a good stating point might be...what attracted you to each other in the first place? What made you fall in love and why did you get married?
Okay, I have read all the posts on both of your threads, and this one, too. I couldn't stop thinking about this, so I came back to add to this post at 7:54 PM EST today.
One thing to keep in mind is that on Dr. Phil, the couples he counsels on his show are there b/c they mutually agreed to take the necessary steps to save their marriage, including going on national TV. (I can't imagine my dh agreeing to go on TV, either.)
But, if you don't think that you can get dh to agree to take these steps with you to improve your marriage, then, as many others here have stated, IT'S UP TO YOU. There is nothing stopping YOU from at least going half way to improve how YOU behave in your marriage.
Look at it this way- it certainly won't hurt anything to look at yourself in the mirror, see what needs to change, and change it. And I'm not just talkin' about WHAT you do, like changing the dam dust bag. I'm talkin' 'bout ATTITUDE, girlfriend. It's all about ATTITUDE- YOURS. Everything you do for him, do it with a GOOD POSITIVE ATTITUDE. Even if you don't FEEL like it. You have nothing to lose. Don't let the fact that he isn't on board with you at first stop you.
So for Goodness sake, woman. Get up off your tush and
JUST DO IT!
Cuz I can say this much for myself, and this is the same thing I tell my 9-yr-old son. "You asked me what you should do, and I told you. Now, if you don't do it, I don't want to hear you whine any more about it."
Ditto Pamt and Cocoa...if neither one of you cares, nobody's steps are going to work for your marriage. You both have to want to be happier and eager for more fulfillment out of your relationship.
I have to agree with Pam and Cocoa on this one too.
I always feel like my situation is quite different because we're only dating, but whether we're dating or living together or married I think all those things mentioned above need to be there.
My boyfriend and I talk really openly about what we want and what we need and both agree that the small things are important. We call each other EVERYday in the morning at each other's work or on our cell phones and we call each other every night before going to sleep. Even if we don't talk we always leave the other a message.
We have our problems just like everyone else but we so far have worked through them.
My first reaction has and is still to a point to just break up with him when I feel it's a BIG issue, in fact I have broken up with him in the past and just recently wanted to. A lot of that is due to the therapy and things I'm going through in working through past abuse and I told him straight out before this started it was going to be hard and I would probably do that (try to break up) and to not "let" me. LOL
The communication and the little things we share have completely saved our relationship in my eyes and in talking to him I know he thinks it's the little things that keep us going. He was my best friend before and still is and I often forget to tell people he's my boyfriend and just say "my best friend"
Friends of ours are in therapy right now. The wife told me that they recently had an exercise that required they sit back to back, and draw. I couldn't figure out what in the world she was talking about at first, but one spouse would start a drawing, and describe it in detail to the other spouse as they drew, who would then try to recreate it. And exercise on communication, and a pretty unique one at that. Talk to your spouse, tell them how you are feeling in definite terms (especially important for wives, goodness knows men don't pick up on subtlety!)
Oh, and for my marriage? I have a hell of a time saying "I'm sorry." Those are the most cumbersome words in the English language to me, but I really make an effort to say them, and never add a "But". Think about it, when a friend hurts you, it's vitally important to hear an apology before you can forgive, right?
LOL Crystal at men not picking up on subtlety! You nailed it girl! They sure don't I know with my bf I have to say it outright!
I must reiterate what Ginny said on another thread in regards to the Anon's marriage or lack there of..
Ginny says, "I've read this thread and your other thread, and while I'd like to be sympathetic, I'm not. It sounds to me like you (maybe just you, maybe both of you) want the convenience of marriage without the work of getting and maintaining a good marriage. It sounds like you (again, you alone or both of you - our language doesn't have a better way of saying it) stay together out of habit and maybe because you don't see anything better on the horizon." and she goes on to say other things I agree 100% with..
Now my two cents.. I think that you are not only short changing your self and your husband but you are short changing children. You think that you (both DH and yourself) "put on happy faces for them" but I promise you they see the underlying ugliness that goes on. If they are young they will see it eventually.. Children are not blind. Pretending that they don't see the truths of your life serves no other purpose but letting yourself out of the guilt of not giving 100% to your marriage. Marriage is not 50/50, it is never an equal split. DH has skills/abilities/understanding you don't have, on those things he gives 100%. You have skills/abilities/understandings that he doesn't have and on those things you are to give 100%. I am stronger in dealing with certain things, DH is stronger in dealing with other things and we off set/strengthen each other through those strengths. Marriage is a partnership. It isn't going through the motions, which is exactly what it sounds like you are doing.
I too am interested in what you think the out come will be of your marriage? The kids are going to grow and I mean darn quick... The 18 years that DH and I have been together have flown by like the blink of an eye. Our oldest is a Junior in High School. Where do you think you will be when your children are grown? I am really curious why you choose to marry your DH? Did you always conduct your marriage in the manner you describe in your post "9 times out of 10 I go to bed alone..." etc?? You say, "Honestly though, I couldn't imagine either one of us doing any of it." in this thread. Sad is the fact that you think so little of yourself and the father of your children that you will settle for nothing, instead of putting forth the effort that married couples have to put forward. And I mean HAVE TO put forward. Marriage just like parenting is a work in progress, it is a never ending learning process and in my case my family is the most important/rewarding thing I have ever and will ever do in my life.... when I die, where I worked, where I lived, how much junk I can say I owned will not matter... What will matter is that I loved and was loved... We have had our ups and downs.. and I am sure there will be more.. But we both are committed to living the best lives we can together. So we work on everything all the time.. We do not date each other, we do not take vacations together with out our children. We talk constantly, we connect daily, we enjoy each other (laughter, playing) and we fight fiercely. We met, we felt we could make a life together and we committed to do what ever it takes to make our marriage work. My Dh is my friend, my partner, my lover because I made him that. Not because of anything he did but because I put forth the effort it took to make that deep of a connection with him. Seeing him for all his good, bad and ugly moments and accepting that he was human. I chose to marry him and I chose the marriage I have with him. And It all is the way it is because of the effort I put forward. You can not be sitting around waiting for him to make you happy. You can't sit around waiting for him to do just the right things to make you love him unconditionally. You offer up the unconditional and you get the unconditional in return. You sit there thinking forget it I am not putting forth any effort and you know you aren't going to get any effort in return, yet you seem resolved to it.. The sad part of all this is, you are completely missing the point of marriage. Sounds like you want more than you want to give out and that isn't how it works.
And the saddest part of all this is, You will sit back one day and you will see the effects this has had on your children (through their behaviors and relationships) and you will have nothing but regrets for the lack of action you chose to take knowing the issues had been there in your own marriage/relationships and you set the example they will surly follow. Then you will wish you had gotten off your resolve and stepped up and did whatever it took.. But until then I am sure you feel 100% justified in your feelings and your lack of action. It is sad that sometimes it takes being smacked in the face with our own mistakes to wake us up. I hope in your case though, that when you get the taste of the reality that is out there, it isn't to late to give yourself and your husband the good/loving marriage that is out there waiting for you and that I am sure you both deserve.
Ditto Bobby. The only thing I'd add to all this is Anon, you just don't have the right or priviledge NOT to care.
You have kids with this man. You have NO right to screw around with their family and future because of apathy. In fact, the only way you could give in to apathy is if you've surrendered yourself to a selfish and self-centered view of your family. Have you?
DO SOMETHING.
Kierkegaard maintained the worst and only unforgivable sin was despair. You're there right now.
Thanks, Bobbie, for expanding on and expressing much better and more strongly than I did what needs to be said. And yes, Dawn, that quote from Kierkegaard is definitely on point.
Is it possible she is depressed? I have gotten to the point of not caring before- but I was depressed.
It is possible that there is a million things going on there. To say it is depression we would need more of an explanation that lack of apathy in her marriage she exhibits.
I have met people in my life with a similar out look on their marriage and it is often based on the fact that the marriage wasn't went into with an understanding of how marriage works. It often started out as a settling for a mate not an actual love affair with the person. More or less he will do and I can live with the way he is and/or I will change him. And when she/he realizes that the other person isn't going to play the game by her rules then he /she approaches the life with apathy and resolve to just live the life and not connect to the person. Sharing a home but not sharing your true self with the person. A lot of marital issues seem to stem from the marriages you witnessed as a child and the expectations you place on your spouse and yourself in your own marriage based on those things you saw. It also can stem from your own personal value as a person.. and the way you were raised to see yourself. Know a person first hand, Mom did everything for her.. She went into the marriage assuming DH would do everything for her too. And when he doesn't do things the way she wants, the time she wants them done in and with a smile on his face she gets mad and punishes him. She basically approaches her marriage like an over grown child and has temper tantrums at will. He is to take her grief and not dish anything back. She settled for him and she punishes him every day for not being/becoming the man she thought he would/should be. They have been together for 17 years and they live together and that is the existent of their marriage at this point. It didn't start out that way though, he took as much as he could take and he stopped playing her games all together. She resents the fact that he isn't who she thinks he should be (even though he was never that person in the first place) and she treats him as if he is below her. Basically a marriage of convenience. He works pays the bills and she gives him sex when he pushes the issue. Otherwise they live totally separate lives. Their daughter is 16 and she is starting to exhibit the same behaviors in her relationships. She herself learned the behaviors from her own parents. Her mother broke her father and she expected to do the same but she married the wrong type of man.
So basically with the little information we are getting about the marriage it is not possible to say it is depression causing her issues. We don't know where it all stems from. Was it this way in the beginning or did things go bad??? We don't know anything other than her lack of empathy/apathy and that there is clearly an underlying issue with her marriage that goes beyond those two things.. Some people are just not taught how to be married, the true meaning of marriage and the ways to build a solid relationship (marriage or otherwise). And unless we are given information otherwise we suggesting depression would be only taking a guess and probably a long shot guess at best. The repeated post seem to imply a deeper issue that just depression though...
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