Little reasons why it does not work..
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Little reasons why it does not work..
Yes, Im the anon who posts alot about my not so good marriage. This morning, was just another little reason why it does not work. This is just one of MANY.
Im use to be spoiled. My husband is a good person, he does alot around the house. I am not very mechanical, to say the least. He is the one who always changed the vacuum bags among other things. It is not that I can not, he just always does it. Because I know my marriage is not so hot, Ive been trying to get more independent. I mean like trying to fix things myself, trying to do more for myself, in case I find myself a single mom. So yesterday I was cleaning, and I noticed the vacuum bag needed to be changed. I vacuum everyday. So in the process of changing it, I "think" I broke it, or thought I did something wrong. So I mention it to him last night, and then I forgot about it. So this morning before he went to work he checked it out. He said yes I did break it, and "What the heck did I do to it?"...in a not so nice voice. I simply said I tried to change the bag and thats it. He said "Well somebody did something to it to make it break". I said simply the somebody was me and I honestly dont know what I did. IM sitting here thinking all I did was try to do a simple thing, to make myself more confident and independent and I broke the vacuum. He went to say he would "try" to fix it after work. So I say "Just throw it in the trash"(Its a cheapo vacuum, and we have another cheapo vacuum around here as well). So he goes on to say we do not have money for another vacuum and that I could take back the gifts I bought him to buy a vacuum if I wanted. Meanwhile, his family has sent us all money(for the whole family) for Christmas, and I thought we could use some of the money from that.Im very practical in that way. He was not yelling at all during this conversation, it was that he was so annoyed with me. He is so very mechanical, can fix anything from vacuums to cars to electrical problems in the blink of an eye. So he gets very annoyed at people like me who does not have one ounce of that.
This may seem like a simple stupid problem. This is just one of MANY problems why my marriage is not working.
Awwww, I'm sorry. He doesn't sound very sympathetic.
Anon, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but is it possible the fact that he is easily annoyed has something/anything to do with the fact that there are problems with your marriage in the first place?
When things are going badly or *wrong* for most of us, by human nature, we are more easily angered, saddened, annoyed, irritated, etc.
It sounds like you two have just grown so far apart, and IMO, with some work on getting back together/meeting in the middle/reconnecting, *if* you both want to, you could repair the damage to your marriage. It sounds like you are just in a major rut.
Please, think long and hard before you decide to become a single mom. Ask yourself a few questions - Is he abusive to you? Is he abusive to your kids? What made you fall in love with him to begin with? Think hard about what made you drift apart.
The grass is not always greener. I have BTDT. I was divorced from my childrens' father because he was fooling around right and left and was alternately emotionally abusive and emotionally unavailable to us all. There is no way that marriage could have been saved. But it's HARD being out there alone with your kids. You have no one to count on, to help out, no in-house support system, and financially it is hard. It is hard on the kids too.
I'm not trying to make light of your problems, I know how it feels when a lot of small things become one big issue, but are you honestly convinced your marriage can't work?
Oh my goodness. My middle name is I broke it or I made a mistake. And I am proud of it. Doesn't stop me. Who cares? I actually now think it is funny if I make a mistake. You did it again... Try try and try again and learn from your mistakes.
If I didn't kill anyone than I am doing good.
If you don't do?
If you don't speak your thoughts or ideas?
If you don't try?
Do you want to be that person?
Who cares what someone else thinks? You are the judge of you. Nobody else opinion matters.
(((Anon)))
I'm a mechanical person, it is a trait I grew up with my dad and can pick up on very easily.
I used to get upset with dh, not so mechanically inclined. Now he just leaves it up to me, or he leaves it up to me to hire someone to fix it.
We will be married 20 years in February. We have had many, many ups and downs.
Marriage is work. I heard someone say one time, marriage isn't 50-50, it is 100%. That is absolutely right.
So while marriage is work, it is also fun.
We are one of those couples who have started dating. Our oldest is now old enough to babysit. And I have to tell you I love the 1 or 2 hour dates we go on. It makes me feel young again.
However, we would never go on vacation without them. However, I do dream about romantic vacations someday;)
I believe it is important to set your children on one level of priority and your marriage/husband on a different level. This will always be evolving due to the age of you and your children.
I have learned alot from family members who have passed away. Life is sacred in the moment and these little things that we think are so important and annoying are only the little things.
Just my $.02
Forget about the vacuum and use the other vacuum. I think you and dh should go out to dinner with each other with that money;)
I know that resentmenst can build very easily, but honestly it does not sound that bad. Nothing that is not fixable. you should not find yourself a single mom and your kids away from their good father because of something that was not worked on. Try telling him all these things. You try to work on being warmer and more attentive to him and see if he comes around. He probably can say a lot of the same things about you as far as not communicating and not being attentive and sympathetic to him. As Dr. Phil would say How much fun do you think you are to live with.
I am not blaming you, I just know that trying to change him will not work, but changing your attitude and actions will help tremendously and over time maybe he will catch on.
Iam not running out to get a divorce. My husband told me he loves me and will not leave. I just am trying to think of the big picture. So I am just trying to better myself, trying to learn how to do more things, even as simple as changing the vacuum bag. My kids come first, and I know its important for them to have a mother and a father.
Today was more a vent then anything, this was just one example. I do know that the fight/disagreement isnt just about a vacuum, there is always a bigger picture. I am fully aware of that.
Believe me when I say I am no joy to live with, I know that. He is not a joy to live with either. I try to put on my happy face for the kids and go on from there. I just know its a good idea for me to learn things, just in case I do find myself a single parent, even if its many many years down the line.
It makes me sad when you say Believe me when I say I am no joy to live with, I know that. He is not a joy to live with either. I try to put on my happy face for the kids and go on from there.
None of us is a pleasure to live with all of the time. I just feel that there were certain things about the two of you that caused you to fall in love with each other. When you are married and raising kids, it's very easy to drift apart from your spouse since you are putting the kids first and often caught up in budget concerns, etc.
I'm not saying that your complaints are not valid. And I certainly hope I didn't come across as preaching.
I just think - and hope - that you can find your way back to the loving, close relationship you obviously once had. I wish the best for you.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Stand up for yourself. When he talks down to you about the vacuum you accidentally broke do mea favor... Remind yourself you are not his child. Ask him to remove the tone he is using and then remind him of something he has broken accidentally and how he felt when it happened. Remind him that you didnt make him feel worse about it.
At one point in my marraige, I use to get nervous when I heard the garage door opening in the evening... I'd yell at the kids and we'd run thru the house making sure all the light were off. Dh would walk in and I swear LOOK for lights on and yell at the kids to turn them off and he was going to start charging them, etc... I got so sick of this I did different things. Like- a few nights he came home and were all eating dinner without him and I turned EVERY light in the house on.  Thats right. He looked pretty stumped. I acted like I hadnt noticed the lights or him griping about it. The next few times he complained I began to come back with ' Hey, I've been seriously thinking about this, and since we cant afford our electric bill I am going to put your boat in the paper and sell it!' The next time I said 'Listen, since we are apparently so strapped for money that we cant afford our electric in our home, you need to sell your cabin at the lake so we will not be so strapped.'
I couldnt tell you the last time he treated us like dirt about the lights...
As for your vacuum- if you got it at Wal-Mart take it back and exchange it. Tell them it shouldnt break just while changing a bag. The IS cheap!! Or take it to a repair shop and dont worry about dh... You are not his child.
As for the gifts he was being a martyr about... 'Just take the gifts back that you got meeeee and replace the vacuum'... I'd seriously consider doing just exactly what he said. I bet he doesnt say that again. LOL
Your kids need to see you in a loving marragie and they also need to see you stand up for yourself.
Good luck and if you need other ideas you just email me. LOL
I'm short of time and have not read all these replies, but have to say that even happily married couples get annoyed with each other at times. That's a fact of life! LOL! Don't sweat the small stuff. Sounds like you have much bigger issues to be concerned about.
It sounds like you don't really *care* to make your marriage work. You are as comfortable as you can get where you are right now and you don't want to stir the waters. If that's the case, this is your life as you see it now. It will only change when YOU change.
Ok, I've been lurking around, but this really got me riled up. First of all, things break. If DH or I break something, we tell the other, and move on. Just as you wouldn't yell at the kids for trying to do something, but messing it up, he shouldn't put you down for it. Now, onto your marriage post. The reason it's important to stay connected and have a strong relationship is YOUR CHILDREN WILL MOVE OUT. They will be gone one day, and you two will still be there, staring at each other like strangers. You married this man for a reason, now it's time to recapture that. I'll be the first to admit my husband SPOILS me, he is much more the giver in our relationship. However, I try my best to not only make gestures to show him I appreciate him, but tell him all the time. There are things like finances that he lets me handle, and there are things like taking care of the car that I let him handle, but we share many others. For him, something as simple as me shining his boots, or making him some cookies can show him I appreciate all of the little things he does to make my life easier. We don't spend every waking moment with each other, and often go to bed at different times, but we still make time to connect, in our own way. You should do the same.
Welcome back, Crystal.
Good to see you post Crys..  Welcome back..
My two cents about this will be on the most recent post..
;) Thanks, guys. Come on, this place gets into your blood, like it or not.
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