Do you always agree with this(Marriage question)
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive December 2005 :
Do you always agree with this(Marriage question)
I am posting anon because this is a touchy subject for me. I have had this conversation with other people and on other message boards. Why do people think in order to have such a great/happy marriage, you must go on date nights, or spend a weekend away with your spouse etc...? Do you mean you can not have a happy marriage if you do not do these sort of things.
Granted, I do not have the best marriage, I do not have the worst marriage, but not the best.
We do not go on date nights, and we do not go on vacation with out our children. Does that make us bad parents, or mean we have a bad marriage?
I do not know why this bothers me. I can not use my marriage as an example, because it is not a good one. I do know, however, people who have a great marriage, yet still do not go on date nights, or long weekends alone. These couples are still very happy and have a good marriage.
For me, I do not place a high emphasis on my marriage(Yes, I know, not good). It is a long story, and do not feel like discussing all details of my life.My kids are ALWAYS my number one priority, and ALWAYS will be.They come first and foremost ALWAYS. Does this make me a bad wife? If it does, then so be it.
The question really is, can you have a good marriage without having datenights, and without going on vacation without your kids?
I don't really have a baby sitter so we don't do any of those things. Children grew up so fast and we had such a hard time getting the one we have we are enjoying him.
I think you can have a satisfactory, comfortable marriage without going on dates and spending planned time alone, but no I don't think you can have a great marriage. It's kind of like settling for a made from a mix brownie (still tasty, no doubt!) when you could have a wonderful dessert made by a French pastry chef. Why settle for less? And...if all time and effort is spent on the kids, one day they will leave and then what is left? Two lonely people who don't know each and just happen to live in the same house.
Well, I have an excellent marriage (in my opinion) and we do not do date nights and would never ever take a vacation without our kids. We do carve out "us time" at home (after kids go to bed) and make time for each other every day. We talk on the phone while he commutes home. I think my family is my #1 priority. Both my hubby and kids come first. I think it is important to spend one on one time with everyone in your family. We try to do that every week. Sometimes it just means going for walk.
DH and I have been happily married 17 years. We don't go out on dates often and have never taken a vacation without the kids, but we have gone on a couple long weekend trips alone. Personally, I think the key is to make sure there is special "couple time" to reconnect, discuss life issues and share and discuss plans, hopes and dreams. DH and I make a point of doing this on a regular basis after the kids have gone to bed. If life is busy and we're not able to do this often I feel less connected and can see how it would be possible for couples to drift apart. It really does keep the fire burning, so to speak. Doing so makes for a strong, happy marriage, which makes parenting a lot easier. It's a big circle. 
I think we have a great marriage. We do NOT do vacations without the kids who live at home. The grown ones only are sometimes invited. We have very occasional datenights but only when dd has soemthing planned for her and not just a babysitter.
I think the most important time for a couple is to plan alone time. Sometimes it's after the kids have gone to bed. sometimes we crawl in the bed to watch a grownup movie while dd watches tv or plays in another room within earshot. We talk all the time on the phone, send "I love you" e-mails, and do things for each other just because. Like he always puts a soda in the fridge for me so I have a cold one when I get up. And I...well, I'd walk across hot coals for him if I needed to. We do not go to sleep at night mad. That is a biggy. Do not ever let the wound fester overnight. A great marriage is so much bigger than a date night. My dh is very important to me. But so are my kids.
ditto what the other said.
What I think it takes to make a great marriage is time spent working on your marriage and communicating. The easiest way to do this is via date nights. But in my house a date is a loose term, date may mean, kids eat before hubby and we have a candlelight dinner just the two of us. That makes it a date
You asked does it make you a bad wife because the kids come first...well in some ways. I am pretty child centered myself, and I know my marriage has suffered from that. I also have found now that they are all in school that if I don't have some thing that makes me who I am besides them that life is tough! I guess I am a believer that too much of any thing is bad, and extremes mean that one area is great and others are lacking. Life should be more of a balance.
As for vacations alone. I think everyone needs to feel love and love their spouse in a way that is for them. Some people need that extended time together, others are good with a few stolen moments. If hubby is wanting that time alone and you are denying him, then that is an issue and vice versa. The goal of a marriage should be to meet both peoples needs. There is give and take, but that needs to be shared.
I also don't think it makes you a bad parent if you choose to vacation alone, or have date night. There are no absolutes in this world (okay well taxes and death). It is interesting to me as mothers how we have this "ideal" picture in our head that if we don't do this or this, or etc, then someone may judge us. My rule of thumb is if I really feel like maybe I am not doing enough and people are talking, the only one talking is ME and maybe I should listen!
Hubby and I have been married seven and a half years. We never have date nights, unless you count us going to the grocery store alone every friday evening because the kids hate to go now and would rather stay with my parents. Of course, we make going to the grocery store so much fun, joking around and carrying on that I guess one could title it as a date night...
Back to the point of this topic... We have an excellent, made from scratch, not a box, marriage that could not be improved upon with nights out alone or vacations together without the children. We have gone through a lot in our short marriage with my health problems, and a couple of scares with our children. It has only brought us closer together.
We make time for each other, after the kids are in bed, while they are visiting grandparents for a couple of hours, while they are playing in their bedroom or watching a movie. We talk. A lot. We do silly things together, like cook, fold clothes, go pay bills. And we always have fun doing it.
We could never imagine going on vacation without the kids. We have been forced to go out of town for 2-3 days without them when I had to go to the hospital for treatments, and it was awful! We constantly thought about them and when we saw things, such as planes going right overhead, to land at the nearby airport in Nashville, or having a hotel that was right at the Lake in Cleveland, all we could think of was how much the kids would love it. We were miserable without them! So much so that I scheduled my next, and last, treatment in the summer in Charlottesville so they could go with us because we had seen a cave nearby that we wanted to take them to.
We talk about going to Gatlinburg for a night or two without them, since they have been there so many times and there would be nothing new, but we never do it. We just bought season passes to Dollywood and Dolly's Splash Country waterpark, so looks like they will be making all the trips with us this year, too.
I must add, my children hate staying away from home. My parents like next door to us, and they don't want to stay there. They are very close to my parents and go up there during the day, but at bedtime, they want to be home. I was the same way as a child and teenager, so I completely understand and I could not be happy away from home knowing my children were unhappy. So, no, we NEVER have a night to ourselves, but we became parents knowing that our world would revolve around them. And I guess that almost losing one child at birth, and not knowing if I was going to live or not when I first got sick, really makes you stop and look at the important things. We want to spend every moment we can together as a family because you can't take it for granted that you will always have that time or togetherness.
And as far as not knowing each other because we don't have date nights or weekends alone, there could not be a couple who knows each other better. Or supports each other more. Things could be really tough in our family, with me being legally disabled, and my medications and medical bills drowning us in debt. I'm not able to be the typical wife, keeping the house orderly and the laundry done up, but still my husband is pushing me to fulfill my dream of getting my degree in education, which takes up a large amount of my time and energy, which means he does more chores and things I "should" be doing. Not even knowing if I'll ever be able to use my degree once I obtain it. But he knows it is very important to me. So he supports me fully and cheers me on when I need the extra encouragement.
So yes, I consider our marriage excellent, beyond measure, even though we never have a date night or a weekend away. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have such a wonderful husband and children and I thank God everyday for that.
We have been married 18 years. We have had only occasional date nights and occasional times where we had successive days without kids. My kids spent a week at Grandma's late in the summer and that was fun not being a parent for a few days.
My DH works second shift, so our couple time is in the mornings, if I don't have to work at the clinic. I often crawl back in bed with him, after I take the kids to school. Sometimes we just talk, sometimes more happens (wink, wink), but that is when we do it.
I kind of miss it during the summer, although, we probably still have early morning times, since our kids don't get up too early in the summer. I love going out to eat with just him, when kids are in school.
So, we do get our couple time, it's just at a different time.
I wouldn't want to vacation without my kids. They are almost grown and soon enough, we will be able to vacation without them. Niagara Falls was great fun with them!
I think you have to take care of each other first, in order to go the distance with the children. Children respect it when parents have their OWN identity and, let's face it, they'll be gone one day and *poof* you're stuck with someone you really haven't put as much effort into.
For the kids' sake, go out on dates. They *are* important.
I have to ditto Kaye in almost everything she said. I think it's important to make time for each other as a couple (without kids) but I don't think that necessarily means dressing up, eating dinner in a restaurant, and seeing a movie. DH and I don't go out much (he works evenings and we don't have friends or family that babysit) but we spend hours together each night when he gets home. We are in the same room together, the TV is rarely blaring in the background, and we discuss our days, any issues with the kids and then we move on to other parts of our lives together. We try to get away for one weekend a year but that doesn't always happen. It may not this year because of my trip to London and Edinburgh. Because of DH's work schedule, I'm able to be there 100% for my kids after school and in the evenings but after 8pm, it's all "Mom and Dad time". And, for what it's worth, DH and I have an excellent marriage. I know that I'm his highest priority and vice versa. The kids are *our* highest priority, as a couple.
I think it should be that dh should watch the kids while I go on vacation and while I go out on dates... LOL
LOL Conni! Ditto almost everything said above. You have to make your marriage a priority too for it to be successful.
LOL Conni!
Well I'm not married anymore but my bf (despite our "disagreements" and almost breaking up recently) work at it! btw it wasn't him who was going to break it off it was me and with the therapy stuff I'm going through I think that has a lot to do with it. Emotionally I'm a wreck. I'm so grateful he's so patient!
That being said. We do have date nights. They like someone said don't necessarily mean that we go out all the time, but we'll eat (order in) after the little ones are sleeping, pick up movies to watch together, sit down and work on a puzzle together. To me any time I get to spend with him is like a "date" night.
I don't know if that will change if we get married, but I intend to keep up date nights. I think that spending time together without children is important no matter what you're doing!
I agree with just about all of the posts I've read here. I don't think it's a 'need' to have date nights or vacations alone, but "couple time" is a must IMO. We date outside of the house maybe once a month and haven't taken a vacation alone yet (though it's in the works), but we spend quality time together everyday. Sometimes it's 3 hours after dd goes to bed, and sometimes it's 20 min, but regardless it's always there and it's very important to us.
Our daughter is our #1 priority, but so is our marriage (if that makes sense). It is easy to get caught up in your kids, but really they *will* be leaving your house before you know it and what will you have? I don't think you can start over (at least not easily) 20years in when your kids are grown and gone and expect a wonderful marriage. DH and I were married 6 years before dd came along and we had (and reached) a lot of dreams of ours during that time. Some of them we plan to continue with while dd is young, but some are bigger and we're looking forward to when we can 'continue' our dreams together.
Great statement Missbookworm: ..."spending time together without children is important no matter what you're doing!" I think that's important for ALL of us to remember....married, single, whatever.
I didn't read everyones answers but IMO I think having dates and going on vacations is great for a marriage. It won't save one that's on the rocks but it can sure keep the spark there especially for couples who tend to let the flame go out after having children. That is only a small part of what makes a great marriage. Communication is what sits at the top and if you take nice vacations every month and have no communication, your marriage won't be great.
I'm just learning how to let myself get out of Mom mode and put on that young wife act for my DH. I get too wrapped up in my daughters wants and needs and tend to forget that I have a DH who needs me just as much sometimes. I've seen a great improvement. I like how things are now. I've realized that if I tend to his wants and needs and make him feel important, he's more eager to help me when needed no matter what it is I need help with.
A great marriage starts at home. What you do outside of the home only contributes to what's already there.
Thank you everybody for your honest answers. Unfortunately, I do not put my marriage as top priority, either does my husband. I think we are good parents in front of the kids(well most days we are). Once the kids are in bed, we are 2 separate people. Each of us goes are separate ways(in the house).Either one of us makes any effort to spend time together. Every once in awhile, if he is wanting sex, he will come up to bed the same time I do. Mostly though, he comes downstairs to watch his shows. I stay upstairs and watch my shows until I fall asleep. 9 times out of 10, I go to bed alone.
Just checking in- don't have time to read all the responses, so I am sorry if I repeat.
I think you can have a good marriage even if you don't go out on date nights and stuff- just make sure you get alone time. My dh and I spend a lot of time talking and watching TV together. "Our time" is at night when he gets home and ds is in bed (dh works nights) and we stay up for a couple of hours and talk and "other stuff"
By far the best thing you can do for your kids is to make sure that your marriage is on solid ground. They need that stability and security. So, in all honesty, you need to make you MARRIAGE your number one priority. Kids come second.
Not only will this make them feel more secure that their home is a solid stable one, but you will give them an example to follow of how to treat their steady date/spouse when they are adults. They will in turn know what it takes to create a solid stable home for their children as well.
Anon- A good marriage only has to start by one person trying. If one person tries and the others notices, it usually isn't long before they are right behind you. As Dr. Phil says, "Why don't YOu be the hero in your marriage by being the first one to try." If nobody tries, nothing will get fixed.
My kids are my top priority too. And that means making sure my husband and I have a good relationship for them to model when they're older.
We don't do date often but we make some time for ourselves, do things together, talk a lot. Putting kids first is the worst reason for not working ona marriage because, gosh, they're part of the marriage too aren't they? Abandon your relationship with one member of the family and the whole thing suffers. It's not a virtue to put them ahead of a husband. It can be an excuse to abandon him however.
Anon, what you need in order to have a good marriage is for both - emphasize *both" - people in the marriage to want a good marriage, and for both - *both* - people to work at it. And getting counseling to help you work at it if you can't do it by ourselves. Melissa is right in saying that it takes one person to start the process.
I've read this thread and your other thread, and while I'd like to be sympathetic, I'm not. It sounds to me like you (maybe just you, maybe both of you) want the convenience of marriage without the work of getting and maintaining a good marriage. It sounds like you (again, you alone or both of you - our language doesn't have a better way of saying it) stay together out of habit and maybe because you don't see anything better on the horizon.
Most moms do put their children first when the children are young, but that does not mean not working at keeping your marriage a good one. Think about this - at some point your children are going to leave, and there you will be, stuck in a marriage you didn't try to make a good one. Then what will you do?
Melissa is also right in saying that if nobody tries, nothing will get fixed. Since you are the one who is noticing that your marriage isn't good, why not be the one who tries to do something about it? Maybe your husband has also noticed, and has given up. Maybe he hasn't noticed. But you'll never know unless you do something to try to make it better.
|
Members
