How do you make someone appreciate what you do? He tells me that I don't clean good enough, that he can do it much more efficient and better. He admits that the house is straightened but below his standard. I am for the most part a stay at home mom but I do work partime. He tells me that I have changed, he said that with the first baby I was in school, keeping house, and pretty much productive. There is so much I am disappointed in myself for at this moment, I am sobbing as I type. I can't take this anymore, I want to leave but I just can't. All I think of are my kids. I'm suppose to start school in Feb. but I just feel like I can't add on the extra load. He told me this morning if I left he would just need to hire a housekeeper to replace me. I feel resentment, and hatred towards him. We met when we were young, I stayed home with our first child while he started on the path to a career. Now, he has a good job, able to support all of his needs, and I'm left by the waste side so to speak. It makes me truly regret staying home because he puts no value on it. I have asked who would have watched your kids so you could work any hours required, he insists that a nanny could do the same. I'm fed up and just needed to vent.

By Mrsheidi on Tuesday, December 13, 2005 - 11:53 am:

Wow. I can't believe he would say those things. It's kind of like toothpaste, you can't put the words back. I'm so sorry, sweetie. It's hard to feel thrown by the wayside.
Does he help on the weekends? What does he value most? Does he value you and your career goals? Does he value SAHM's? Does HE clean?
I have to make a list for my DH or I would go insane. You still need help around the house. Being "Consuela" 24-7 is mind-numbing to say the least.

If he had said this in front of the general public, he would be stoned to death, IMHO.

By Melanie on Tuesday, December 13, 2005 - 12:10 pm:

Just curious, do you remember to show appreciation for what he does? You mentioned that you are starting to feel hatred towards him, so I can't imagine you are remembering to acknowledge and thank him for the contribution he makes to the family. It's a vicious cycle. But you have no power to change him, only yourself. I wonder if he might start showing you more respect and appreciation if you do the same for him.

Good luck. (((HUG)))

By Karen~moderator on Tuesday, December 13, 2005 - 12:36 pm:

I think that what he's told you is pretty cold. Is there some other underlying problem going on?

Everyone grows and *changes* in a marriage, and the goal is to do that together. It's very easy to get into a habit of taking each other for granted and not acknowledging the special and nice things we do for each other.

It sounds like for whatever reason, he is feeling some resentment also. Have you two ever sought conseling?

I can understand your feeling the way you do too. And I'd be very hurt and offended if my *worth* in the marriage was compared to a housekeeper. Being a SAHM is a hard, IMPORTANT *job*. And in the grand scheme of things, a perfectly clean house is not high on the list, IMO. Does he help with the cleaning at all??

It sounds like there are deeper things going on. How do you feel about marriage counseling, before it gets worse?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

By Heaventree on Tuesday, December 13, 2005 - 12:53 pm:

If this is the way you truly feel about your relationship then you must go back to school in February. Finish your education so that you can support yourself and your children if you need to. It will also help you re-build your self-esteem. You will know if the need arises that you can go out into the work force and stand on your own two feet and perhaps it won't matter as much what he says. You are in a vunerable situation and I think that he might be taking advantage of that a bit. Kind of like kicking you when you're down.

You can take control of your own life, think about it. When someone says something negative about you, really examine and ask yourself if it's true. Ok maybe the house is not as tidy as it used to be, but your situation has changed over the years and you probably don't have as much time as you did before.

I'm not saying don't work on your marriage and relationship, it's hard when you are feeling resentful to be kind, caring and to go that extra mile. You also have a responsiblity to take care of yourself and not allow yourself to be bullied. Set a good example for your children, this is even more important if you have girls as they will model your behaviour.

I hope that you are able to work things out with your husband, don't let this bring you down, continue with your education. Oh and BTW if he could afford a house keeper with you gone then he can afford one while you are there. Why don't you consider paying someone to come in once a month to clean the floors and do the bathrooms?

By Reds9298 on Tuesday, December 13, 2005 - 02:02 pm:

My thoughts exactly Heaventree. Your last paragraph...honey, you hit the nail on the head.
I'm so sorry that your DH is making you feel this way. Regardless of what either of you are/aren't doing correctly, good enough, whatever, it's our jobs as spouses to build each other up and help out.
You CAN take control of your life. If he doesn't value you, then YOU value you and do what you need to do to get out. It's not good for your children to witness this kind of marriage because you are setting an example for them of what marriage should be. You deserve better. Life is too short to be miserable.
{{{hugs to you}}}}

By Boxzgrl on Tuesday, December 13, 2005 - 02:13 pm:

DH said what your DH did once, and that was it. When he said that, I stopped cleaning, I stopped making dinner, did everyones laundry but his and basically said that if he thought my work wasn't hard or good enough, he could do it himself. It didn't last long AT ALL. Sure it wasn't the greatest way to prove my point but it sure got to him in a hurry. I'm not sure what came over him but now he's the complete opposite. He values SAHM's and everything they do and knows that he could never work and keep our house together along with everything else (physically AND emotionally) that goes into staying home.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. When DH mentioned what he did that once I didn't let it bother me one bit. *I* knew what I was doing and that was all that mattered. I wanted to stay home with my daughter as we both discussed before conceiving her and I wouldn't let him take that away from me.

It seems to me that you are torn on being a SAHM vs. working or school and your DH is feeding off your weakness.

By Conni on Tuesday, December 13, 2005 - 02:44 pm:

Ditto Melissa... my dh tried that for a short time. I pretty much have to draw a pic for my dh to help him see my side of things. But once I do that and he *gets it* he is *usually* good to stop what he is doing. Ok sometimes I have too draw more than one pic he can be slow.

Your dh sounds very selfish.

As for you going to school- go for it!! Dont rely on your dh to watch the kids so that you can do things. (if thats what you do) Have a friend or relative watch them. Are they old enough to stay home alone while you take a class? Can you go to school during the day while they are in school? Dont stop learning! I love to take classes. I am not at the moment. But when I do I really enjoy it!!

I do find that *I* can be harder on *me* than anyone... So I keep a list of what I have done all day and what I need to do. This helps me to see that I work very hard and I work from early in the morning until late in the evening atleast 6 days a week.

By Tayjar on Tuesday, December 13, 2005 - 05:04 pm:

I am a firm believer in every female having some sort of an education that allows her to support herself and her children so she never has to stay in a situation she doesn't want to be in.

Go back to school. Yes, continue to work on you marriage. But, you will find going back to school will boost your self-esteem and your DH may even start to respect you more. And if he doesn't, his loss. You will start to respect you again. Remember, your self-worth is not contingent on his opinion.

Also, by going back to school, you are setting an excellent example for your DKs.

By Vicki on Tuesday, December 13, 2005 - 05:15 pm:

Yikes, I don't have any better words to offer that haven't been covered above, but I agree that what he said to you was uncalled for and mean and cold. I too would be hiring a cleaning service faster than anything. If he could afford to do it if you were gone, than he can afford it now and I would take that offer up in a quick hurry!!

By Groovepickle on Tuesday, December 13, 2005 - 10:04 pm:

I'm also sorry anonymous. It makes me so sad because I know there are other men out there that appreciate what women do. If your husband says he can do such a better job than you, maybe you should tell him he can then, and let him take on some house duties. Raising kids by itself is a full time job and more demanding than any job outside of the home. I just don't understand how your husband can think just because he works that you should be responsible for everything. I agree with Heaventree. You should really sit down and consider what is best for your family. And don't get stuck in the rut that you're staying for the kids. Really look at your kids do you have boys or girls. Do you want your girls to grow up thinking that "Daddy" is the kind of guy to look for in a husband? Or do you want your sons to grow up thinking that that is the way they should treat their wives? And what about their self esteems, if your husband is not concerned about yours what makes you think that he will care about theirs. I'm guessing that he already says little things to your children (depending on age) that you know he shouldn't be. I think it's very important though that if you leave your husband that you think it through, have support and make moving on final. And if your children are old enough to understand how your husband treats you ask them what they think. Don't threaten or make it sound terrible, just calmly ask if they think it would be better if you and Daddy lived in different houses and reassure them that both you and Dad love them and that they will be able to see him anytime. You might be surprised. I asked one woman I know if she had ever asked her kids what they thought. And their response was astonishing. Her 9 ear old answered "I'd be mad if we didn't leave Mom." I hope this helps. And remember you can always go to your local shelter and talk to someone there. They will be able to help you see your situation more clearly.
Groove

By Bobbie~moderatr on Tuesday, December 13, 2005 - 11:00 pm:

The suggestions above are all good... And I just wanted to give you a hug.. (((ANON)))

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, December 14, 2005 - 06:55 am:

I've read all the posts, and Anon, I suspect that a big part of what is going on with your dh (and I don't mean "dear") is that he is jealous of or resents the time you spend with your children. From what you say, his comments started after your second child was born. Anyone who has raised children knows that two children are much more than twice as much work as one child, not the least because they are different ages and have different needs. I know my dear dil, with my 2+ week old granddaughter, is amazed at how many hours a day she is spending taking care of an essentially happy, fairly quiet and not fussy infant.

It sounds to me that he is one of those people who wants what he wants when he wants it and exactly the way he wants it - which sort of sounds like a two year old to me.

Definitely, go back to school. Learn all you can. If it means you have to mop some floors less often and he doesn't like it - hand him the mop or tell him to hire that housekeeping service he was talking about. (Sheesh - what a jerk!)

I do not encourage any woman to leave her husband, especially a woman with children. I have, literally, been there and done that, and it is a very hard road to travel. But my reasons were good ones and by and large I have no regrets, except that I hadn't gotten more education and for a long time things were difficult financially - which made it even harder on my kids.

Hugs, indeed. And all kinds of encouraging thoughts.

One thing I can tell you. If you get into an argument, work really hard at not yelling, not screaming, especially not crying, and think carefully about what you say so that you don't say things like "you always" or "you never". When I learned to lower the tone of my voice, and think carefully about what I was going to say before I said it (which meant I also spoke more slowly), my ex stopped dismissing me as "typical woman", "hysterical female" and started responding to what I was actually saying - and, it drove him crazy that I was being logical and organized in our arguments. Which meant there were far fewer, because he wasn't "winning" as much. Role play - that is, if you know you are going to have arguments, try to think ahead of what you want to say, what he is likely to say, and how you would want to respond if there was a videocam in the room. (I say videocam because the changing point for me in how I behave when I am angry was when I got caught on television in a crying, angry, yelling fit at a public meeting - and it was broadcast - and everyone I knew saw it, including my children.)

By Feona on Wednesday, December 14, 2005 - 07:11 am:

Why would you want to make you wife and the mother of kids miserable? That is so stupid....

If you left you would take the kids and he would see the kids two weekends a month if he is lucky. Duh!!!!


He needs a reality Check for him.

I know women who are incapable of doing house work. They have no interest in it. So what? People work to their potential.

If momma ain't happy no one is happy and he should better know it!

Tell him to wipe the scowl off his face and pretend to be happy.

He isn't entirely happy in his marriage. Too bad. I estimate 90% of people aren't dancing in the streets either.

He will be really happy hardly seeing his kids. (sarcasm) Reality check.

By Karen~moderator on Wednesday, December 14, 2005 - 07:47 am:

When I learned to lower the tone of my voice, and think carefully about what I was going to say before I said it (which meant I also spoke more slowly), my ex stopped dismissing me as "typical woman", "hysterical female" and started responding to what I was actually saying - and, it drove him crazy that I was being logical and organized in our arguments. Which meant there were far fewer, because he wasn't "winning" as much.

SOOOO BTDT with my X! It's quite an eye-opening experience, you accomplish much more and it makes you feel so GOOD!

By Karen~moderator on Wednesday, December 14, 2005 - 07:47 am:

Just want to add, I didn't come to this realization until AFTER we were divorced!

By Rayanne on Wednesday, December 14, 2005 - 08:11 am:

I don't know what else to add, but wanted to give you some {{{{{HUGS}}}}} I am so sorry this is happening.