So Mad...Need to vent a little
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive December 2005 :
So Mad...Need to vent a little
My SIL is staying with us. She is a great person, and I love her to death. I am closer to her than my own sister, but that is another story in itself. Anyways, she is in the process of getting a divorce. She didn't have anywhere else to go, so we told her she could stay here. MY DH said that as long as I don't see you going out everynight and partying, you can stay here for free, but if you do go out everynight, then we will ask you to pay something. She said that she wouldn't be becasue she will be saving money to hopefully get her own place at the end of January.
Well, she started seeing this guy, almost right away. Her divorse still isn't final. She still has not signed the papers. They are sitting in the room where she is staying, and she said that she doesn'y know how to fill them out. Well, that's fine, then find someone to help you. DH doesn't understand them either.
She is never home, she stays out almost every night, and then comes here in the mornings to shower. I know that she plays poker a lot, and for money. Sometimes her BF gives her money. It's usually $5.00 a game. Well, that $20.00 if she plays 4 games in one night, unless she wins.
Now, this morning, she asks DH if we can lend her $150.00 for her to go to Vegas this weekend for her BF birthday. He said he had to talk to me. Why does he put me on the spot so when she is told NO that she knows it is me saying no and not him. I told him, that if she was saving her money, like she is supposed to be doing, then she would have money to go. This just tells me that is not doing what she said she would be doing.
I don't know what to do!!! I don't mind her staying here, but at the rate she is going, she will be here until we kick her out. She is 24 years old, but is not acting like her age. What can I do? What do I tell DH?
Sorry that I had to go Anon. on this.
Yikes! What a sticky situation. Obviously, it was a mistake telling her she could stay for free. I would definitely NOT lend her money to go to Vegas! In fact, I would be inclined to tell her to shape up or ship out. Either she pays rent and acts like a mature, responsible adult or she's OUT. You're not running a homeless shelter and she is seriously infringing on your home and family life. Do not enable her bad behavior. JMHO I hope it all works out for the best, and soon!
Ok, he did that because he didnt want to be the bad guy I think. lol What a bonehead! Men...
Definitely do not loan her money to go to Vegas. I think your gut is telling you that already. Thats absurd. Give her a deadline to be out- like January 1... or January 15...
I would encourage the relationship with the man so she will quickly move in with him (sounds like she moves fast) and you will get rid of her. Whether her divorce is final or not is not your business.
I suggest you and dh need to sit down together and agree on some terms for sil, and I suggest some of them might be:
1 - NO you don't lend her any money.
2 - If she has the money to go out almost every night then, as your dh told her, she has to pay rent
3 - She should get a job
4 - She should fill out the divorce papers. If she doesn't know how to do it, she should get some help.
Sounds to me like you have got a freeloader who knows a good thing (and an easy touch) when she sees it. You may love her to death, but that isn't going to last long if you allow her to continue taking advantage of you. She is behaving irresponsibly and you are, in many ways, enabling her irresponsibility by not laying down the law. What will you do if she wants her new bf to sleep over (and she isn't even divorced yet)?
Ditto Ginny, 100%! If you enable her to continue her behavior and irresponsibility, it will never change. People who *know* they always have a safety net to fall into and someone who will bale them out of their financial jams will take advantage of that to the bitter end.
So you will have to be the bad guy, and if she becomes angry, then OH WELL! What makes her think that it is YOUR reponsibility to pay her room and board AND give her money for a frivilous trip?
Sorry if I'm harsh, but that's how I see it. Just Say NO!!!
Ditto everyone else. My SIL is in her early 30s and still lives at home with her parents, pays no rent, does not help out with cleaning, groceries etc. and her parents even bought her a car, which went over great with the other sister in the family.
At least your DH had enough forethought to put her on hold about the money. He should have probably just said no.
My SIL called one time asking us to fly her on our pionts to Florida for a weekend conference! Points are not free, we both travelled a lot for work to earn those points. DH said yes, well at least until I found out. I didn't care about being the bad guy. He knows now to at least consult me before offering up things.
Is your SIL the youngest of the siblings?
Good luck with your situation. It is hard to go back on things once a pattern is established and not damage the relationship. Hopefully you can clear the air, make things better and put the whole thing behind you.
Wow, sounds like my niece. She asked my SIL (her mom) to co-sign a loan for $15,000 to buy a used Lexus. This girl is 30 years old, works at Walmart and barely has a pot to •••• in! She can't afford a Lexus. Her mom is driving the last Lexus she tried to buy and couldn't keep up the payments. Her mom and her dad both said no and she stormed out of the house. Sheesh! Wouldn't we all love to drive a Lexus?
When I hit a deer a few years ago, I bought a used Taurus, for under $6,000. I love that car, even if we did have to put a new transmission in it! It runs very well. I know this girl could find a car far cheaper than a used Lexus!
She apparently already owes her mom a ton of money, without buying a Lexus, too!
Anyway, no money for Vegas and she needs to be paying rent, or get out!
When I was 23, done with college and before I got my first nursing job (can you imagine a time that it would take someone 6 months to find a job?), I had to pay my parents $120/month to live at home. It was definitely affordable and I think covered the food, water, heat and electricity, that I was using. I couldn't have rented an apartment that cheap!
Well, I am not going to tell you weather or not you should give her the money, that is between your dh and you. I could tell you what I would do, but that doesn't mean a hill of beans!!
I would suggest that you and dh sit down and talk out a game plan and then present it to her. You have already told her that she wouldn't have to pay as long as she wasn't out "parting" and if she isn't following that rule, than I would suggest that you follow your own guidelines and come up with an amount for her to pay you for rent. I have a feeling that if you start charging her for rent, she is going to be getting on her feet and out of your home allot faster. She can only take advantage of you if you allow her to do so. I also don't think this is something that dh should have to handle on his own. It is both of your home and you both allowed her to move in with you. He didn't say yes to her, he said he wanted to talk with you about loaning her the money first. I don't think that at all puts you in the bad guy seat. Now, if he said I don't have a problem loaning you the money but let me check with my wife first, I would not be happy. LOL It says to me that you two are a team and you make decisions together. He can tell her, "we talked about it and we decided......
I think you are heading for bigger problems than this loan though. You need to sit her down with guidelines you and dh set up and stick to them or she will be with you forever!! Good luck!!
Just tell her you don't have the money for it. Sounds like she needs to get a job and some self esteem at that. 
We are not going to give her the money. She has a job. It pays pretty good. We asked her once where all of her money goes and she doesn't know. She has a car payment, a credit card payment, a cell phone bill, and insurance. She comes home at least once a week with a new shirt, or jeans, or shoes.
I know that she is acting immature, but I don't think it is my place to say anything to her. My DH should, and I will tell him that, again, tonight. I asked him the other night if he asked her if she was saving any money, and he didn't.
Her boyfriend will never be allowed to stay the night here. First of all, DH does not want to meet him and will not until her divorce is final. Secondly, we don't know him, and I don't want someone I don't know in the same house as my DD.
Her mom asked me how long she said she was going to stay here, and when I told her, she just lauphed and said that she doesn't see that happening. She said that she probably won't leave until she is kicked out. I don't want to do that to her, but at the same time, she needs some responsability. She doesn't help out around the house, she doesn't buy food, nothing. Granted, she doesn't eat any of my food, and when we went grocery shopping once, she bought all of her own stuff. Her own food and drinks and all. The only thing I ever bought her was a tube of toothpaste.
I know something has to happen, and DH will not talk to her over the phone, he wants to do it in person. She is never here, so when is he supposed to talk to her? I told him to tell her to come home to talk and he didn't do that.
I may have to do something, but just feel like I am stepping out of bounce if I do. I am a big push-over and usually let people walk all over me, and I think that is happening again.
I understand that she is dh's sister, and this may be why you feel it is his place to speak with her. But you are a couple, it is your (joint) house, and I still think the two of you should sit down, agree together, and tell her together.
Ditto Ginny! And remember this, people will walk all over you as long as you allow them to do it. Good luck!!!!
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