I am having a hard time with a very simple issue regarding my almost complete (YAY! ITS ONLY TAKEN FOUR YEARS!) divorce. I want to change my name back to my maiden name. My younger kids are freaking out and Kayla thinks I will not be her Mom anymore if I change my last name! We have gone round and round on this subject. Kyle doesn't want me to change it either. He said then I won't be part of them. I understand their thinking. Totally. But part of me doesn't want to "wear" his name anymore. And part of me knows what a pain in the behind it will be if I do change it back to my maiden name. Then people ask why my name is different than the kids, etc. I'll probably also forget and still write my married name! I am leaning towards a hyphenated name, but that seems like a pain in the behind also. Please do not misunderstand, I am not letting my kids make this choice for me. I am just explaining that I do hear their feelings and I can understand why they feel like they do as children. I don't know what to do. Anyone been through this? Any suggestions? TIA!

By Mrsheidi on Thursday, December 8, 2005 - 01:25 am:

I haven't changed my name back to my maiden name but my mom did change her name when they divorced. To be honest, I admired her for it. Especially after the way she was treated.
Tell them that you are proud of the fact that you have them and, if you had to do it all over again, that you would still marry their father because it meant that you got the most precious gifts of all. You share the same hearts and that's something that will never change. Maybe even break out the old yearbooks that show your maiden name and show them that you had a different life before their dad and that it's important to you to return to your "roots". But, now your roots have flowers...them!

By Vicki on Thursday, December 8, 2005 - 08:27 am:

Maybe I shouldn't put my 2 cents in since I have never divorced, but if something were to happen right now, I don't think I would change my name back. I do think it would be very confusing to young children and I have been this name for almost as long as I was the other. Plus, I think it would be a huge pain to change all the accounts and credit cards and all of that. Now, I will admit that if I were to go through it, I could change my mind, but that is just my thought process right now. If you do hyphenate it, what would you do if you ever married again? How would that work? Three last names or do you then drop one?

By Reeciecup on Thursday, December 8, 2005 - 09:13 am:

Sorry I think the kids' feelings need to take priority right now. Their world has already changed enough and in spite of your reassuring them, they may still feel like you are rejecting them by changing your name. Try not to think of it as his name anymore but as your kids' name. Good luck with your decision!

By Kaye on Thursday, December 8, 2005 - 09:17 am:

I think I would keep the married name too. I guess honestly because of the $ and hassle. And If you remarry then there won't be any questions, you would take his name. It is just a name, it isn't who you are.

By Beth on Thursday, December 8, 2005 - 10:16 am:

My sister kept her married name. Believe me for one thing it is a horrible last name, long and hard to pronounce. Not to mention her marriage was not pleasant at all. But she did not want her kids to grow up with a different last name. I guess I see her point. It just doesn't give people who don't already know reason to ask. I agree with the hassle part also.

By Kateg on Thursday, December 8, 2005 - 10:31 am:

I was on the fence when I got divorced. It was part of my divorce agreement to go back to my maiden name. Therefore, no extra $$$ involved. I was starting over anyway, so it wasn't that big of a hassle anywhere to have my new name on everything. I did hyphenate so that I could reclaim me (after my marriage it was important to find me again) and yet, still be a part of my DD. I have since remarried and the last names change anyway. Good luck with your decision. It is a hard one to make. My DD was little when I was divorces (2).

Just my 2 cents.

By Missmudd on Thursday, December 8, 2005 - 11:23 am:

As a second wife I really appreciated that dh's ex went to her maiden name. I am Mrs. Mudd now, not her. I dont think I would have been very happy if she was Mrs. Mudd also. Jmo of course.

And if you choose to start dating and all that, I think it is some baggage to bring to a new relationship if you are holding onto the old married name.

By Monicamomof3 on Thursday, December 8, 2005 - 02:16 pm:

Sounds like they are having a bit of a security issue. I would not change my name; especially if it meant that much to my children.

By Imamommyx4 on Thursday, December 8, 2005 - 02:35 pm:

Do you have to do it right away? Can you wait a year or so to do it. Maybe when the kids are more secure with everything.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, December 8, 2005 - 06:37 pm:

I'm sort of on the fence on this one, Kim, because I know a lot of your history and fully understand why you don't want any part of the jerk in your life, especially on everything you sign. But, the kids have very strong feelings.

Where I come down, finally, is you are the adult here, and they are kids. And, they will be adults eventually - actually, not too very long - and you can change your name then. Or, in a couple of years the kids may not feel so strongly.

How about using your "maiden" name as your middle name right now? Could you do that? I don't know what's involved, but a lot of women do that, even without the hyphenation, when they marry.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Thursday, December 8, 2005 - 08:35 pm:

I agree with Ginny... Knowing the history... I so see your point and hear it loudly. But I also know how it felt when my mom changed back. It wasn't like she was only breaking away from him but US. My sisters have made comments as adults about how they at the time felt that she was pulling away from us too and I must say I agree. It was, not just his name is was OUR name. And she chose to marry him and have children by him and they chose to divorce.. it was just one more thing WE had to live through because of choices SHE/THEY made.

And Kris. As a step child I can say, YOU chose to marry a man that had been married, the ex wife didn't pick you, the children didn't pick you. BUT you picked them by choosing to be with him. I understand your point also but His history didn't change because he married you. And if he has children, I say it is the choice of the mother as to what she chooses to do and IF you wouldn't have appreciated her carrying his name then you shouldn't have married a man that had been married before he married you.. Their choices don't erase because they decide they made a mistake (or whatever the reason behind the divorce was) and unfortunately everyone involved suffers/lives with their choices... Which means, if she chooses to remain Ms. her married name then that is just one of those choices that have to be lived with.. and with the case of children it often has nothing to do with the man they are divorced from... It is to save the added distress and explanation for the children. Which are so often forgotten in the middle of all this mess.

By Mrsheidi on Thursday, December 8, 2005 - 10:01 pm:

I have to add another half cent here...
If someone were to *seriously* ask "Hey, I notice you have a different name here. Are you divorced?"

Uummm...they need a *serious* kick to the forehead.

And, if it affects you psychologically (meaning, you still feel "owned" by him), I don't see how that is good for the kids. However, if you feel that your kids feel strongly about it, then don't do it.

I know some women who go by their married name for the school stuff (things for school they sign) and then go by their maiden name for professional stuff when their kids aren't around. You could have it legally changed, but just keep it low key so as not to upset your kids.

It's a personal choice though and of course you're going to do what you feel is right for all of you.

By Kim on Friday, December 9, 2005 - 07:57 am:

Well, thanks for all the input guys, I truly appreciate it. I have some things to think about. Peeple ask who I am to my kids even though we have the same name! Its become almost commonplace to assume that the parent isn't always the parent. Its not that I still feel "owned" by him, its hard to explain. My hearing is toady and it would be free its already in the papers. I'll have to ask if its something I can wait on. Thanks again for all of your input!

By Sophiasmom on Friday, December 9, 2005 - 12:00 pm:

Kim, first I want to say good luck on your hearning. I know it is tuff to go through that. Having said that I want to give my 2 cents also. I have been through a horrible marriage and divorce, I somewhat understand where you are coming from as far as your name goes. I however didn't have any children with my ex (luckily). In my line of work I have met women who have grown children (in their 30's) that ask them not to change their name after a divorce for the same reason your children are asking you not to. I agree it is a hard choice to have to make but if it means that much to your children isn't it worth it?
As Ginny said you could do it later. It isn't hard to change it on accounts all they require from you is a phone call or that was all I had to do to change my last name. For your drivers license you just need your social security card and your divorce decree. To change your social security card (make sure you do this or it will haunt you later) all you need is identification (Drivers license or ID card) one with your new last name and your old last name (make sure they show your picture or date of birthh). I hope this helps you and again good luck with your hearing.

By Alberobello on Friday, December 9, 2005 - 05:01 pm:

My mum changed her name after she divorced my dad. It made absolutely no difference we didn't care about that, we cared about the fact that my dad left, but not the fact that my mum changed her name, it was unimportant. There are other things that count more, you are there with them, you love them and will never leave them, that's what matters.

By Karen~moderator on Sunday, December 11, 2005 - 01:42 pm:

If you wait to change your legal name and don't do it at your divorce, you will have to pay to have it legally changed.

I kept my *married* name after my divorce, it made it easier where the kids were concerned, for me. Actually, truth be told, I hated my maiden name and my X's name was preferable to me. LOL

By Mommybug77 on Monday, December 12, 2005 - 10:15 am:

I had a dufferent last name from everyone else in my family. I did not allow my step dad to adopt me so my name never changed. My mom went by 2 different last names depending on what the cirrcumstances are.

By Missmudd on Tuesday, December 13, 2005 - 11:20 am:

Bobby, while I take your comments to heart, I dont think actually that my steps would have wanted mom to keep the Mudd name either. They realized that the marriage was a dead duck and the ex Mrs mudd taking her maiden name was the final statement of hers saying I am no longer married to mr mudd. The ex mrs mudd got married again, should she have continued to use the mudd name after she married the new guy? At least in my situation, I am sticking with that I am glad that she went back to her maiden. I figure that you take your dh's last name, when you divorce, you should give it back. As always jmho.