Step-mom strikes again!!
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Step-mom strikes again!!
For the most part, my step-mom can be a good person, but I just wonder about her parenting skills. Tell me what you think and maybe it's just me? 
She has a son who is almost 9 years old. (He's my half brother.) I took care of him for 2 weeks while she and my dad went to Italy. We ended up paying for a lot of what Austin did, just to keep him entertained. On top of that, I did a LOT of math and spelling with him while he was here. (She sent workbooks and requested this for him.) He needed to work on spelling, so we did 10 words a day. It took us 30 minutes. No biggie. But, he really did need the work.
So, when he returned back home, I told him that I had bought all these Sponge Bob pencils, stickers, and a deck of cards when he finished 30 words. (The deck of cards were for when he finished all 120.) NO deadline, just incentives to work on spelling.
Well, he sent me 30 words and 5 of them were misspelled. (I don't know why Gail sent them if they were misspelled. She should have worked with him and corrected him before he sent them. Why should I give him gifts for work that was poorly done?)
So...this is an email I get from "Austin" but I really know that Gail typed it for him. It just seems like she's letting him talk to me that way. It's unnerving.
Dear Heidi,
I do not want to do your spelling lists. They are too easy. I also have 10 words a week from Mrs. Brown. I usually get only 2 words wrong. So you might as well give me the Spongebob stuff for Christmas. And you already told me about the Spongebob card deck. So it will not be a surprise if you give it to me for Christmas.
My Christmas list
shell shocker
Seen it? (board game)
Clue Jr.
Clue
Tycoon world 2
Tycoon 1
Tycoon world 1
Tycoon 2
Tycoon
Game cube
x box
ps 1
ps 2
Sims deluxe addition
This is what I really want
sims deluxe edition
Sincerely,
Austin
So...I reply with the basic "Well then if they're so easy, then they should be a breeze! I'll be looking for them in the mail! Or, I can give them to another kid who needs them."
To which I received a reply tonight:
"I am still not doing them. I don't care if you give them to some other kid.
austin"
AND...the whole time he was here, he was not thankful for ANYTHING. I just get the feeling that he is so used to getting things for nothing (that happens a lot in their house), and I'm worried he'll end up like his older brother who is a felon and treats people like crap. (HE never says "thank you" either. It's a real problem in that house.)
Grrrrr....thanks for listening...I feel like drop-kicking him and giving him a book called "Manners for kids and mommies"!!!!
BTW, I wrote her/him back with what he "should have" said. I was SO mad!!! Here's what I wrote...
hhhhmmm...I think you meant,
"Dear Heidi,
I do appreciate that you went to the store and spent money on incentives to help me spell better. I know we did 10 words a day at your house and that really helped! It's something I do need to work on, especially since it can show everyone else how smart I can be. And, it shows that I pay attention to details and work hard. I wish I could do your spelling words but I'm afraid I don't have the time to complete them. Please give the gifts to someone who could use them. It was really thoughtful of you.
Thanks again, and I do appreciate the effort you have made to help me improve my spelling!
Sincerely,
Austin"
Oh dear, dear, dear, dear....he spelled the game 'Scene It' wrong. How in the world can you find this gift for him if he can't spell it? SUCH a shame! Hmmmm....seems like incentive right there!! *grin*
I so agree with you that spelling is very important and even if you're highly intelligent, if you can't spell people will think you're NOT so smart. Hopefully this will become more important to him. How do you know his mom wrote the letter? You don't think Austin wrote it at all? It certainly SOUNDS childish.
Did you actually email that letter? If so GOOD FOR YOU! Kids can be awful, but it is a parents job to fuss at them when they are and correct their behavior. Crazy!
He sure needs to be accountable for his actions and no one is making him do that at home! Sheesh! If I would have talked like that to someone, even in an email, my mom would have had a fit! (of course, there was no email when I was a kid.)
Yeah, I'm sure it was her typing it. If not, she has a lot of trust leaving an 8 year old in her email inbox. There's NO way I would leave an 8 year old unattended to do whatever with my emails.
And, YES, I did email that in return. I'm curious now to see how she'll react.
Misspellings are such a pet peeve of mine, but even more so is the fact that he's so ungrateful.
(PS-Kate, you're partly right. "Scene" should be spelled "Seen" but it's a game about movie trivia I believe. So it's a play on words I think.)
I also want to add that, with all the words spelled correctly in the email, I do believe my step-mom wrote it. Otherwise, there would have been a big ol' mess. I'm sure she was just typing what he was saying.
I think I'm at my boiling point with him and her for that matter.
I so think you're right Heidi she must have written it for him or at least "helped". Mispellings desperately annoy me too! If they can't spell seen properly how on earth did they manage to spell sincerely!? geez...
I would be just as annoyed as you are.
Why don't you find a book on manners for children and mommies and send just THAT for Christmas! I sure would.
I'm so happy to hear you actually sent that email, so many people don't actually say what they mean when they're angry and things like what happened with your 1/2 brother just keep going until you explode from holding in your thoughts and feelings.
((((((((((((((((( Heidi ))))))))))))))))))
That last email doesn't "sound" like what a 9 year old would say.
I appreciate the effort you are putting into teaching the boy, but honestly, he's not your responsibility. You already have a family- your dh and ds (you are married, aren't you? Sorry, I haven't been paying much attention!)
As much as you would like to guide this young man, there isn't much you can do to combat the influence of his home environment. I have BTDT. I know. Your efforts are better spent on your own son making sure that he turns out well.
If your sm and dad ask you to care for him again, you may want to rethink it. It sounds like you were taken advantage of.
Did I do good on my spelling?
He could have typed it. She may have just set the email up w/your address in it, got the cursor to where it needed to be and let him have a go with it. She may also have a spell check on her email so that would explain no spelling mistakes. My kids all have their own email (monitored by us), but before they did they would use my account to send email to my parents and sister - certainly nothing rude though.
I would be upset, but he's only 8 and there really isn't much you can do except model good behavior when you are around him. I'd also stop w/the spelling words because he clearly doesn't want them.
I would be so irritated with your step-mom and the parenting skills (or lack of) in this area, too! But really, I agree with Colette's last statement. That's really all you can do. It's your step-mom that wrote the email. Could it be that he might be giving her trouble about doing the words and she doesn't want to deal with it???
Overall, very frustrating to see kids who are your relatives not being raised in a way that you feel is appropriate. My nephews get everything they want, not thankful for anything, and just 'expect' it. It drives me crazy to see them going the wrong direction and I wonder how they will handle the 'real' world one of these days when "things" aren't free anymore and they have to do real work to get them.
I wouldn't send the words anymore either. *Someone* doesn't want them, and he's not yours to raise even though I understand that feeling completely. It's hard not to try to take some responsibility for loved ones who are children.
Good Luck
I am the oddball out here... I keep thinking...
I have my niece and nephew stay with me EVERY summer for atleast 2 weeks. This yr it was 3 weeks because they love being here so much and thats how it worked out. They are 10 and 12 now, but have been doing this for several years. I never EVER make comments about how much it costs me for them to stay here. I dont mind at all covering them and the things they need (if anything) while they are visiting. I want there time with me in the summer to be remembered as some of the most fun times they had growing up.
We did some math workbooks last summer and some educational computer games. We also spent time at the lake, movies, swimming pool, eating out, took my neice to get her nails done, etc... I did not send homework home with them when they left. Its summer and they need a break. When school starts they get enough homework from teachers.
Your step mom needs to hire him a tutor or let him stay after school if he needs extra help. The help you give him should stop when his stay is over at your house. IMO... This is putting you in a bad position with your little brother whom you need to have a positive relationship with.
I cant believe she would actually send an email like that. But clearly they dont want to do the words. So like they said- give the pencils and stuff to someone else. I may be completely offbase here as I just quickly skimmed your post.
The actual game is spelled SCENE IT, so his asking for SEEN IT won't help if you were to search online for it. That was my point. While one WOULD assume it's 'seen', if one is hoping for it for a gift, I would think one would have accurate info on it. So I was pointing out that carelessness here is another example of how important accurate spelling is. And yes, it's movie and TV trivia, based on scenes from movies and shows. I bought it last year. Do let us know if you hear from them again on this matter!
Ditto, Conni. I will add that I would be offended by the letter, and it sounds like your step-mom either wrote it or knew about it. Her parenting skills are definitely lacking. Manners and being respectful is something that you are taught at home. Obviously, he is not being taught this and it sounds like your step-mom might be actually encouraging him to be disrespectful. I do like the last letter you wrote. But, I would just drop it from here and give the gifts to somebody else. Also, it sounds like this is more between you and your step-mom and her bad parenting. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do about it. I hope I haven't offended up, just trying to look at the other side of things.
I also wanted to mention that dh and I had sort of the same relationship/problem with my nephews. I finally realized that dh and I were getting too involved with them. It really didn't matter what we did, if they weren't getting proper guidance at home, then there was nothing we could do. We finally just stepped back. They definitely don't appreciate things, don't have good manners, and are more disrespectful then I would tolerate. But, they aren't my dks. They don't talk to dh and I that way because they have come to realize tht we won't tolerate it. But, as far as their day to day lives, we just aren't involved anymore. So big {{{hugs}}} It is really hard when you see dks that you care about, not getting proper parenting at home.
Thanks, everyone. And, sorry, Kate...I was so furious that I didn't even care to read the list of things he wanted for Christmas. I had told Gail anyway that I had bought his present last month, so I honestly don't know why she sent it.
Also...I just want to be clear and state that it doesn't hurt my feelings that he doesn't want to do the spelling words, it just hurt that he (and she)replied in that manner. (I sent the words in email form 4 months ago and explained what the incentives were. I did this once and never hounded him again. I intended this to be fun since I felt we really bonded during our time together.)
I guess I feel that his mom just doesn't want to make him work for things. And, I worry he'll end up like his older brother. I care too much sometimes and the teacher in me wants to change the world.
Oh, and Conni, if we had the money to spend on him then we wouldn't have thought twice about it. We DID try to set up things for him to do that were reasonably priced and, my gosh, he's on the East coast for the first time in his life! I asked for $ to take him to the zoo and the Baltimore science museum and she said he'd be just as happy to read a book. HHHHMMMM....he wasn't. So, she dropped him off expecting me to keep him busy with books, workbooks, a baseball video game (which he played for one hour), and 75$. We ended up paying at least $150 for food and fun.
Like I said, if you have money, you don't care. ANd, if I had another 8 year old then that's another thing. I had a 12 month old and that made it that much more difficult. Not trying to whine, but she's been known to be cheap. REAL cheap.
I asked for scrapbooking stuff for Christmas last year and she ACTUALLY wrapped some used scrapbooking things (paper that was already cut out) and gave that as a gift. Yet, when it comes to Austin, she bought him a piano.
I digress...I guess this goes deeper than I imagined. My older brother and I just laugh at all the crazy things she does, but in the end, it just hurts.
I could be way off base here, but this is what I see:
I agree that I don't think this has anything to do with spelling words or the email he sent at all. You are thinking back to the way that you were parented and comparing it to how he is being parented. Let me ask you this, if you think she is doing such a bad job at parenting him, why are you so hurt by it? Why is the feeling that comes from it hurt rather than concerned for him? I have a few friends that are what I would call "older" parents and their style is so much different than friends that are my age. I say they have the grandparent parenting style. The kids can do pretty much no wrong, walk all over them, get what they want when they want and all the things that grandparents are like to the kids. I feel very bad for these kids.
I also do find it a little strange that you have mentioned several times the amount of money that you spent having him with you. I really have always gotten the distinct feeling that you didn't want to have him with you at all. That it disrupted your life and your schedule with Connor etc. While, it could have been such a fun and exciting time for both of you. If he needs extra help in school he needs a tutor, not a big sister "teaching" him. There really are many fun things that you can do for little to no money at all that would be great bonding type of things.
I really do think that you need to sit down with yourself and be honest and figure out where all these feelings are coming from. And then deal with them. I think you could have a much better relationship with both of them if you do. And, instead of trying to give him incentives for doing spelling words or what ever, send them to him just because he is your little brother and you think he might enjoy them!!
Heidi- I see what you mean about the $. When you don't have it, you notice what you have to spend. I personally feel it was their responsibility to make sure he had mor ethan enough $ while he was staying with you. I had 'adopted-type' g'parents and stayed every summer with them for at least 2 weeks. My parents always sent plenty of $ with me, even though they knew my g'parents would be spending their own. It's just the considerate thing to do IMO. If there's $ left over, so be it. And it would irritate me as to why she wouldn't want him to go to the places you mentioned while visiting you. Just irritating! Maybe it's the teacher in us.
I think when this boy was with you was an opportunity for you to 'see' things you didn't like about the way he was being raised. I'm like you, when I see that kind of stuff with my nephews it's hard for me to let go of. I want to call my brother and tell him what I think, but then I'm reminded that I have to let it go, it's not my business, and I can just make a difference with my own child. Frustrating, I know.
Ditto Vicki.
We did do a lot of things that cost little to no money. Trust me. But, geesh, he needed a vacation too! And, I think you didn't know this already, but they never asked me to take him. They said, "Oh, and by the way, we are going to Italy for 2 weeks and we'll need you to take care of Austin."
It was right at the time of Connor's first birthday, my 30th birthday, and our 5th anniversary. They never asked us what we had planned for that 1st week. They never ask us...they TELL us and, what am I going to do, say no? I loved that time with him, but it was difficult. I'm not going to lie. She expected me to do those "teaching" things. If someone were to take care of my child for 2 weeks, I would feel thankful...so much so, that I wouldn't have required such rigid things.
They are just a hard pill to swallow because they are not thankful. THAT's what's so hard to understand.
Thanks ladies, for your posted messages on here too. I did read every one of them. (And, Deanna, I'm glad you can see the $ side of it.) I will take to heart everything that was said and I'm just going to let go of it all.
I still have not heard back from her. But, she avoids conflict at all costs. I like to hit it head on, but I think I've already made my point.
Thanks again, ladies.
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