I hate this subject. It is such an addictive hobby and of course it has to be one that my DH is into. I let him do it and try not to throw my worries about it onto him too much but seriously, it worries me a lot! My DH has an addictive personality to begin with and his family is even concerned that he'll get addicted because that is how they know him. The part that worries me most is that he always wins. He's lost a total of $40 but has brought home anywhere between $300-$1500 every time he plays. Sure, the money is nice but i'm scared that he's going to get too far into this and there has to be a point where he loses. And then platys more $ because he lost and I see our checking account going down the drain. Granted it hasn't happened yet, it is a big fear of mine. I don't know if I should just let this go and see what happens or talk to DH and see if he'll go less. Right now he goes to the casino on average about twice weekly. He also plays online (not for money), has the game downloaded on his phone and plays every weekend at his friends house. It seems like poker is absorbing his life. And in my DH's life, money talks. Period. I'm glad that he does so good and brings home extra spending money but i'm scared that we're going to end up being one of those families in huge debt because of an addiction. I have talked to DH about my concerns but he just says he knows how to control himself. And I know he does now but the "What if's" flow through my head all day..... Any advice? Should I just let it go?

By Kym on Saturday, December 3, 2005 - 05:58 pm:

Melissa, there are not too many people (if any) who can go at that rate and NOT end up loosing big time. I would not let it go, but not sure how you'll go about getting him to stop without causing a huge fight.
You know as I'm writing this, I'm thinking of the book " A million little pieces" it's about drug/alchol addiction, but it hit so many points with me, it may be agood one because of his addictive background ( I have on too). Get him a copy and see if it hits a nerve with him. It's so much more than a "recovery" book. There are some reviews on the book board.
I know this is a big problem good luck with it!

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, December 3, 2005 - 06:08 pm:

Gamblers Anonymous Friends and Family: http://www.gam-anon.org/gamanon/index.htm

My dad made his living with cards and dice for 3 years before he and mom married. I should add that this was in the early 1930s - depression - and whenever he could find a job he worked instead of gambling. He told me a couple of things: Never bet money you aren't willing to throw out the window. The house always wins in the end. When you intend to gamble, only take with you the money you can afford to play with and when that's gone, you are done for the night.

And one of the cardinal rules of gambling is quit when you are losing. If you increase your bets in an effort to get back what you lost, you are most likely just going to lose more.

I suggest that you talk to hubby about him setting up a separate bank account for his "gambling money", and he only gambles with the money in that account - leaving the ATM card and checkbook for the other account at home when he goes to the casinos.

I think there is something about a military environment that tends to encourage gambling - all those men, many of them single, and with a lot of time on their hands in the evening and weekends. Certainly there is a major adrenaline rush in gambling, win or lose, and I think the rush is probably what keeps them coming back.

Anyhow, take a look at the website. You have nothing to lose from that except a little bit of time, and maybe it can help.

By Conni on Saturday, December 3, 2005 - 06:57 pm:

I dont want my dh going to the bar and grill, casino, clubs, etc... several nights a week... I dont do any of these things. If we were to go to a casino we'd get a sitter and go together. My dh does go out to dinner occassionally with friends or on business and has a beer. He has started in the last year making sure he invites me to go with them.

I am just wondering why your dh feels the need to always go out and party/gamble without you given all that you 2 have been thru... Is it really just the money thats bothering you?
Do you feel resentful? Do you trust him 100%? Apparently not if you are now worried he is going to send you into a major financial crisis. You shouldnt have to be worried about this- you have another baby on the way. He should be doing whatever it takes to make you feel secure.

Sometimes I think you just need to put your foot down with your dh... None of my friends husbands go out like your dh does? Maybe my crowd isnt the norm tho...

I hope my post doesnt upset you. Just my thoughts.

By Pamt on Saturday, December 3, 2005 - 07:41 pm:

Regardless of whether he is winning or losing, if he is going to a casino twice a week, playing poker every weekend at a friend's house, and has gambling games downloaded on the computer and cell phone, he HAS a problem. It's just only a matter of time and mathematical probability until it is going to bite you both in the butt financially. Please get help ASAP! Also, ditto Conni on the spending time apart thing. That can't be healthy if he is spending that much time away from you and Kaitlyn pursuing this addiction.

By Vicki on Saturday, December 3, 2005 - 07:50 pm:

I see so many red flags in your post that it really worries me. If he is spending that much time doing it, he is already addicted. You are past the point of worrying he might become addicted to it. He will loose and he will loose big. That is bound to happen, if it hasn't already. I am sorry to say this and I hope that you won't be offended, but I really do think you need to look into getting your dh some help. There may be some things going on with this gambling that your not even aware of that could be causing him some severe stress and that COULD be part of the reason your having the problems that your having with him and your dd. He is on a very bad path with life right now and he needs to get himself straightened out.

By Heaventree on Saturday, December 3, 2005 - 08:31 pm:

Melissa, sorry to hear about this I would be worried too.

Good friends of ours had everything, educations, great careers, 2 kids a nice home. Gambling destroyed it all. The husband's addiction cost them their marriage, his job (actually multiple jobs) and it led to a sex addition as well.

The impact lasted years and still has a profound effect upon all of them and their extended family and friends.

I hope you can at least talk to your DH about it, let him know your concerns and fears. He should at least listen and consider your feelings out of respect for you, your child and your marriage.

By Boxzgrl on Saturday, December 3, 2005 - 11:18 pm:

I was fearing that you girls would say what you did and I guess I need to hear it. Why does it always seem like i'm trying to make him stop everything he does? Really, that's how I feel. I guess because it does have something to do with the fact that ALL of his hobbies don't include the family. He's invited me to the casino but honestly, I couldn't find a better way to bore my day. I hate those things. I don't even know how to play most of those games. His gambling is interfering with his second job. Not completely taking over but he is so bored with that job that gambling is his way to escape going. I honestly think it's only a matter of time before he loses it since he's on salary and is not showing them that he's working. That would be a 2K/month loss. We can't afford that right now! I guess this goes back to the immaturity. Sigh.... I really should just start posting anon. This feel like an endless vicious cycle.

By Juli4 on Saturday, December 3, 2005 - 11:53 pm:

You are brave posting with your name. With all that has been going on, I would push for something to happen. I don't know if he can go to counseling or if it would even help him, but you guys do need to start having some serious discussions. I wouldn't try to sugar coat anything. I know how you are though trying to mention that it bothers you without annoying him with worries and complaints. I have done the same thing. Try to bring stuff up acting like it is not a big deal when it is just to not come off as a bother or overly dramatic. It does affect more than just him and that is what you need to get him to realize.

By Reds9298 on Sunday, December 4, 2005 - 08:09 am:

Ditto Conni completely and others as well. Everyone has a hobby or two that you do just on your own, but it sounds like your dh's "life" is on his own. What are you getting out of this?

By Boxzgrl on Sunday, December 4, 2005 - 11:34 am:

Well I guess it takes me having a complete breakdown for him to listen. We talked this morning about it and I told him that I don't mind that he enjoys playing poker or that he even plays at friends houses for that matter (since their wives are usually my friends so I go over to chat while he plays) but the casinos REALLY bother me and scare me because of the "What if's" no matter how much he thinks he has it under control. He told me he would cut down (that's a start, right?) and I told him that cutting down would be going once a month. I don't care if he plays any other way but the casinos really need to be phased out. He said it's hard to think about because in this month alone he has brought home over 3K but i'm stressing over it this much he doesn't want to see me unhappy either. I think it's easier for him to cut down after I mentioned the fact that all of his poker friends don't play at casinos, they do it for fun. Hopefully this is a start and i'm promising myself from now on to never talk about my personal life on here again. I feel like it's getting ridiculous.

By Dawnk777 on Sunday, December 4, 2005 - 11:46 am:

I'm glad you got a chance to talk to him. I wouldn't want my DH going to casinos that often. Neither of us has ever been inside a casino and have no plans to go, either.

Do you feel like his mother sometimes, and not his wife?

By Ilovetom on Sunday, December 4, 2005 - 04:10 pm:

I think your talking about it here helps you sorta work it out in your mind first what to say and do.

I certainly would never judge you about the posts anyway.

Unfortunately, I am with you and my life isn't perfect.

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, December 4, 2005 - 05:24 pm:

Melissa, I think Ilovetom has a very good point. I've noticed that when you vent here and there is some back and forth, you tend to find a way to work on the problem that works for you.

It does seem to me that you can talk to your dh, and he does listen. Maybe working out here helps you to get your thinking organized and your priorities clearer, so that when you talk to him he can't dismiss what you're saying as just being hysterical or female.

As I remember, you are already in some sort of counseling with dh, and that would be a good place to bring up some of the other issues that worry you, with a neutral third party helping to mediate.

By Mrsheidi on Sunday, December 4, 2005 - 08:49 pm:

Melissa, we are all real. All of our problems are so different, yet there is always one person who has something positive to contribute. And, maybe someone who understands.
It's amazing that all of us just have one thing in common: family. And, we have the hardest jobs of anyone on earth.
I think you do a mighty fine job at balancing family and communicating with your DH.
I am recently reading a book called the "Prayerful Wife" and it is wonderful. It helps me realize my role as a mom, wife, family coordinator, financial advisor, and friend. It's a down-to-earth book that offers real situations and how to handle them. Sometimes, I have to let go and let it up to prayer. (And, of course, the "talk" I always have with the DH.)
And, yes, we ALL feel that we mother our husbands...someone's lying if they denied that. You're not alone in your daily struggles. Don't ever forget that.