I just really realized(really just a long vent)
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive December 2005 :
I just really realized(really just a long vent)
I just really realized how bad our marriage really is. I know, all of you with the perfect marriages are going to chime in, and thats ok.
I would consider are marriage so-so. I mean it is not great, but on the other hand, its not terrible. There is no drinking or drugs or cheating involved. My husband works so Iam able to stay at home with the kids. So in all those aspects it is an ok marriage. We never spend time alone, and I mean never. Apart from sleeping in the same bed at night we never do anything alone. Mainly we dont have family here, or we do not use babysitters either. Occasionally I may ask a friend to watch one of them for a short period of time, thats it. I belong to several playgroups in the area. This coming month we have a Christmas moms night out sort of thing. The last time I did this sort of thing was in June. So it tells you how many times I go out alone. Sure I do run errands alone on occasion but never anything more.
Today my husbands friend calls. They may see each other once a month, mainly swapping car parts etc. My husband gets off the phone and doesnt say anything. I ask calmly what his friend wanted. My husband said he wanted my husband to come over to his house tonight to hang out. This man is married with 2 kids, so its not like hes a single guy. My husband is considering going he said. It then dawned on me that we really do have a bad marriage. I know at night time, once all the kids are in bed, we go our separate ways. I go and watch tv upstairs, he stays down here and watches his shows. We never go to bed at the same time. He may comeup with me at bedtime if he wants sex, but thats it. I also realized too,that the last 4 times we had sex, he doesnt even kiss me  . We dont have sex on a regular basis, so it didnt dawn on me until last week.I guess our marriage has been bad for so long that I just accepted how things are.
Im sad and lonely most of the times. Yes, I do have friends, in real life and on the internet. So, I do have friends to talk about things with. I realized Im the happiest when with my kids.
I know that I have a big part in how our marriage is. Im grumpy alot, I get frustrated easily. I do tend to push my husband away, expecially when my feelings are hurt. MY husband use to be very open when talking about his feelings. Over the years, I have closed up, I feel like I have this huge wall around me. The only people I open the wall up to are my kids.
I had suggested separating in the past, my husband said he would never leave. I can not afford to move out with my kids. If I could, I think I would.
I know many of you would suggest marriage counseling. I have gone to counseling for myself on and off, so Im not against that.
I guess we are just one of those married couples who are just together for the kids. Today we have some holiday stuff to do with the kids at the school. Once that is over, he will go his way(leaving the house to do stuff), and I will be at home with the kids. The other night we were alone for like an hour wrapping Christmas gifts. BUT, thats a big BUT, is the only time we spent any time alone besides sleeping.
It is a sad life I have in some ways. In other ways, I am so thankful for my beautiful healthy kids, they are what makes me get up each and every morning. They are what I give thanks to for each night before I go to bed.
Please no bashing. I just found I had a big need to vent this morning. Thank you for reading my long post.
Vent away!!! I am the queen of venting on this board. Its a great place to come.
I am not sure what to tell you. I guess you need to decide if you want to work on your marraige or not. Anything is fixable if both partners want to work it out.
Have you discussed any of this with your dh? Thats where I would start. My dh was doing some things that made me feel bad and I had to tell him to stop. He has finally come around. I have found that if I am blunt with my dh and dont beat around the bush and tell him exactly what I want/need/etc... he *gets it*. If he doesnt get it then he starts asking questions until he understands.
Oh and we dont have even a REMOTELY *perfect* marraige. My dh and I are not perfect and neither are our kids. lol I am also not a perfect Mother... Some days I dont want to be a Mom or a wife. lol I want to run away or hide under the covers.
I'm sure I didnt help much- just know that I'll be thinking of you and I pray you can work things out...
Well, to be honest, it sounds like everything you mentioned is very fixable IF you want to fix it. Really, it sounds like it is just a matter of you letting down your wall. If your dh used to be very open and loving, I am guessing that if you let it down and allow it to happen, it will come back. Do you have any idea why you put it up to begin with? That would be a good place to start in realizing why it is there.
As far as his plans for tonight, if this friend is married with children, why aren't you all going as a family? It would give your kids a chance to play with others as well as you some time with a female, talking etc. That sounds like a nice compromise. Do you ever have his friends over with their wives and kids?
I really don't mean to make light of your situation and I am sure you didn't take the time to type out everything, but just from what you have said, it really does sound like you could totally turn it around with just a little effort.
Good Luck to you!!
Let me just say I have been there with my marriage too. What keeps me in my marriage is I know things have also been better and I guess I think it is worth waiting for the good stuff.
One of the interesting things in your post is the comment that a friend called him and he was thinking of going. It is important for him to have friends too. It is important to spend time together, but there is a balance, all the time together isn't good either. I do know your point was, there is very very little time together and you miss that and you need that.
So my only advice is pick something, what is most important to you. Make this month the month you decide you are going to be the best wife ever in ..... Personally I think if you want to see changes in your man, you make that choice sex. And put forth some real concrete goals (don't share with him). So if it is we are going to have sex once a week, then make that happen. Do what it takes for you to feel sexy and initiate. You can have as much control as you want.
I know you didn't want a lecture, but I guess my thoughts are this. There is a difference between a bad marriage and a marriage that isn't meeting your needs. But as women we have to realize that med just suck at meeting our needs if we are VERY VERY direct with them. Sure some do a good job, but really most don't. All men have something they bring to the table. Really I have been there (and still have moments). I hate having to put so much work into, it doesn't seem fair. But when I do, we are all happier and it does last awhile. We both have the tendancy to pull back. I have to spend a lot of time focus on the things I do like about my hubby. And I think you do that some to, he goes to work so that you can be a stay at home mom that is a big one. For me I have always chalked up some of my feelings to my depression. I battle depression and when I don't work at keeping that under check, every thing in my world just seems blah.
Anyway, I hope I have helped some.
I don't know who you are but I give you BIG HUGS and lots of understanding because I've been there. In the end we split up and we've been the best of friends ever since, sure sometimes it's hard. HECK all the time it's hard but in the end I feel we both made the right decision. Our son is happier and knows both his parents love him and we even still at times do things as a family (Thanksgiving, last night we went to dinner while I was dropping him off at his dad's house).
I grew up in a house where my parents were not happy with each other, the kids is why they stayed together and I saw first hand the damage it has done to us...
I'm not saying leave if that's not what you in your heart want/need to do but I am saying to try and do something to help your family and YOURSELF. No one deserves to live an unhappy life and if I can be fixed I'm all for helping yourself.
Being alone isn't the easiest of things, I'm actually about to have to move in with my mom but in the end I'll be okay. I'm taking the neccessary steps to get things taken care of. Like I said it's not always easy and can be stressful BUT you deserve to be happy as does he.
I hope in the end you two can talk and figure out just what you need to get back to where you were at one time. BIG HUGS
I'm with Vicki. You have a lot of things going for your marriage but you guys have just let the relationship between you go by the wayside. I've been there.
What it takes to get out of that is reaching out and lots of work. Small things if you're not comfortable with big gestures, ask for his help making a pizza, read up about an interest of his and ask him some questions, welcome him home with a hug and a funny story about the kids. I think the great myth about love is that it's constant. I've found it come and then it goes and the key is to make sure that when you recognize it's gone, work to get it back.
And there's a bit of luck here. There's this guy see, who you like and had a love affair with before. He's cute, good with kids, nice guy. You want to seduce him and start a relationship. And here's the best part...He's in your house! No bars, no blind dates, this guy is right under your roof. Man, can you believe your good fortune? You can pursue him to your heart's desire and he can't run away! 
I worked in a bookstore once and customer said she loved Lord of the Rings. I admitted I hadn't read it yet. I expected the usual, "Oh no! I cna't believe that." kind of response. Instead she said she was jealous because she often wished she could read the book again for the first time. In my mind, you've got the opportunity.
Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I just now had the chance to read it.
About him going to his friends house tonight. His friend and his wife are nice people. We have sort of gotten together with them, but only at birthday parties. I have invited her kids to my kids parties in the past. It really hasnt been consistant. You asked why I wasnt going as well. Simply, me and the kids were not invited. The wife is nice, we chat when we see each other, but this guy is basically my husbands friends. Sure, I have friends with families. These friends we do all get together, spouses, kids etc..Over the years we have gotten together with my friends families and hung out, not with this particular friend. I honestly think they do not care for me, but thats a whole different story.
Why is my wall up? Well I rather not say. I post anon because I easily get embarassed by things. In the past Ive posted some of my problems on Momsview and used my name, Im not ready to let the world know how messed Iam, or how messed up my marriage is.
Right now, my husband and my oldest are out running errands. When he comes home, Im not sure what will happen.
I completely agree, he needs time with his friends, same as I do. I would never take that away. I guess it just hurts my feelings that he rather go there and spend a couple hours chatting , or talking "cars" then be with me. Then on the other hand, Im not always nice to be around. So, I can see his good friend would be more appealing then spending time with me. I cry about my situation, I get angry about it, and then I focus on other stuff, like my kids. We have both changed over the 12 years of marriage, like most people do. I have changed ALOT. Some days I dont even know how to feel or what Im suppose to feel. I just know marriage should not feel like this. It is so hard for me to take the first step.I am very stubborn and set in my ways.He tells me he loves me each and everyday. I have a hard time telling him back. Sometimes I just dont feel it. That in itself makes me feel guilty. Some days I just dont know how I feel about him. I can easily tell my kids 10 times a day I love them, with my husband it is different.I often wonder why he would want to stay married to somebody like me. Believe me he is no saint, nobody is. We live more like roommates, then anything else. I go to bed alone, and wake up sad. Im sad until I see the first child up, then I put on my happy face and get on with my day.
Thank you all again, for reading my long vent.
Well, everyone must be tired of hearing me say this, but I strongly suggest counseling. First, individual counseling for you so you can sort yourself out, and then marriage counseling.
I have often thought that if there is anything worse than living alone and being lonely, it is living with someone and still being lonely. BTDT, and I fully understand what you are saying.
My marriage was similar. We were two people with three kids and a mortgage in common, several years of history together (and not all of them bad years), but we had become two people living together with little to talk about, who had developed very different priorities (mostly because we had children, from my point of view), and were on the verge of saying unforgiveable, unforgettable things to each other. I asked, begged, pleaded with my husband to go into marriage counseling, and he would not. I did get some counseling, again asked him to come into counseling, and he again strongly refused. So, our marriage ended after 19 years, and I did the single parent thing for a lot of years, which is really, really no fun. It was probably easier for me than for a lot of women because my ex paid child support and alimony faithfully (with an annual cost of living increase), and I live in a big city and have very salable skills as a secretary/executive assistant. But it was still hard, often very, very broke, often lonely, and often not much fun. Not something I recommend if you have a reasonable alternative that you can live with.
Turns out my ex went into counseling about 3 years after we split, having come to the realization that he needed to work on his relationship skills. If he'd done that when I asked him to, we might still be together. Who knows.
I won't tell you I have no regrets. Yes, I am better off, and by and large I am pleased with my life. But my kids paid a price - not having their father there, having a mom who worked not because she wanted to or the extra money was nice, but because the mortgage had to be paid. And it was often very lonely, with no adult to share either the bad or good things with at 1 o'clock in the morning.
I urge you to talk to a counselor, because I have a sense that you don't really know what you want except that you want, need things to change. I suggest you need to explore yourself to find out just what your priorities are and what you really want, so that you can talk to your husband about what you want and need.
He doesn't sound like a bad guy to me, just really clueless. He is probably living in his marriage the way his father did, not realizing that times and expectations have changed. And you seem to realize that this is a two-way thing - you don't find him fun to be around and you suspect he doesn't find you much fun to be around. Maybe it is more fun for him to be with his friends, but he is still coming home and keeping his promises, which is a good starting point. Maybe he is just as frustrated and seeking for happiness as you are, but being a man can't talk about it, to you or anyone else. It can't be fun to be married to an unhappy wife.
You know, there is no guarantee of happiness, either in marriage or in the Constitution. What we have is the right to pursue happiness, which to me means working at finding a way to be happy. But until you find out what is inside yourself, in the closets of your mind you are not looking into, you won't know what you need to be happy.
I don't think you have a bad marriage. It just needs a little work in whatever way you decide will work best. And i'm definitely not on the "perfect marriage" side seeing as i've made the mistake of dishing my life out here. My point of view is from a BTDT (kinda) way. I hope you works things out. Just remember that nothing will ever get fixed until you put your goals in motion and begin trying.
Anon, let me be the first to say, that I have changed too, my dh has changed. So much has happened in our lives over the last 15 years of togetherness. I found each time a change comes, we have to stop and address it, and adjust to the newness.
How can you not change when you go from a single person to married, childless to a mother, broke to having at least enough $$ for bills, a student to a career and everything else.
What has worked for us is the acknowledging of it. One example, I never thought I would have a "real job" I was so happy staying at home, working very limited hours at night to make a bit of extra money, my dh's store was providing fine for us, my kids were happy, healthy and well taken care of, as was I, than BAM an opportunity to live a passion of mine fell into my lap and now I own a company. This was an adjustment on every level of our relationship, had we not talked and talked and talked (no counseling) it easily ( and has on occasion) become a negative issue in our home. We respected each other and came to an understanding of how to have me have "a job".
My advice
Open up when you are alone, addressing dreams, goals, desires, won't to much good to live in the past, focus on what you'd like to see come.
Have lots of sex, it's a habit you are either in or out of.
Get a sitter and date, or what we do, kids go to bed early on Sunday, we have a date in the den
Also you eluded to something holding you back, most of us have that "something" we are protecting in ourselves, only you can make peace with that, unless it's something dh has done, you CAN NOT make him suffer for that, that is not fair!
Good Luck, I hope your despair lifts a bit from the advice you are getting here.
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