This is what my DD said tonite when we were talking about her grandma. There are two granddaughters and favoritism is so apparent that it hurts!! Obviously my DD is not the favorite and she has finally noticed and verbalized it. It breaks my heart and I'm not really sure what to do about it! It's my MIL and DH won't do or say anything to her.

It has bothered me for years but I have never said anything out loud. I wondered if my DD would ever notice or feel it. I am so sad for her and I guess I just needed to finally say it(type it) to someone.

By Vicki on Wednesday, November 30, 2005 - 07:55 pm:

I am going to guess that the "favorite" is one of dh's sisters daughters?? Same thing with my dd. It is obvious that dh's dm is so much closer to her dd's kids.... I know what your feeling and it is VERY hurtful to both us as parents and to the kiddos. HUGS, I know where your coming from!!!

By Conni on Wednesday, November 30, 2005 - 08:12 pm:

I am very sorry this is the case for your DD...

Its the same for my kids and my mil... I cant tell her ANYTHING about my kids without her saying something about my sil's kids. They are the favorites. 5 genius' born to my sil. I am not kidding my sil sits around and talks about how they are all functioning at genius levels and how her now ex husband was probably a genius as well... yadda yadda Whatever they do they are very talented at. Frankly it gets old and REAL boring to be around them. I often wonder if they have ever talked about anything other than themselves. I dont think they have anything else to talk about?

However, my kids are VERY fortunate to have a VERY fair and equally loving Mema and Papa (my Mom and Dad of course. lol)!! My Mom goes above and beyond to treat all the grandkids EQUAL. If she gives one of them $20 she sends them all $20. If she takes one of them out to eat, she keeps going out until she has taken all of them to dinner. If she buys one cologne, she buys cologne and perfume for them all. At Christmas they many times have to wait and open Mema and Papa's gifts at the same time because they buy them ALL a giant hummer (or whatever the cool thing is that yr) and so they have to open at the same time! lol My Grandmothers were this way as well. AND my great grandmothers.

I guess my Mom and sisters make up for so much crud that dh's family really doesnt get to me anymore. LOL

By Amecmom on Wednesday, November 30, 2005 - 09:25 pm:

That is sad. Do you have the kind of relationship where you can talk to her about it? Perhaps she doesn't realize her words and actions are hurting her grand daughter? I know it's hard to believe, but sometimes people really are clueless about how they are hurting someone. Hugs to you.
Ame

By Cocoabutter on Wednesday, November 30, 2005 - 09:28 pm:

Have you mentioned this to your dh? That it does in fact hurt your dd? That she has now TOLD you that she sees how she isn't favored and it hurts?

If your dh won't do anything, it's up to you.

You need to be your dd's rock and stand up for her. This may sound bold and heartless, but you cannot allow your MIL to continue to hurt her this way.

I would tell her, "If you will not treat my dd fairly, you will no longer be able to see her." You are the lionness at the gate, and that is the price of admission.

You may see her true colors and expose her for what she is, or you may get her to stop and think about how her actions are affecting her granddaughter.

By Ilovetom on Wednesday, November 30, 2005 - 09:32 pm:

Ugh. BTDT. It's better now that they are older. My mama never did this, but my MIL does with her daughter's children. Maybe it's a daughter thing.

Recently though- my mama and my MIL came to watch my girls play basketball. One really rocked the court and afterward she ran right to my mama and was so glad she was there.

It's hard and it always hurt me too. There wasn't a lot I could do. Hopefully, you will find the older they get the better it is and in the long run it ends up hurting them.

Hugs to you and your daughter. Daughters are awesome.

By Dawnk777 on Thursday, December 1, 2005 - 12:33 am:

Your poor daughter! Good grief! I hope when I'm a grandma that I'm not like that. It's so unfair.

By Vicki on Thursday, December 1, 2005 - 07:18 am:

I have mentioned it several times and it got better for a bit and then went right back to the way it was. I have finally given up on talking to her about it and try to think of it as any attention she gives to dd is better than nothing. I don't think cutting her out of your dd's life is the answer. My dd is now almost 11 and sees everything with her for what it is. She doesn't mention anymore that Grammy doesn't love her as much as the others. I have talked with her about it in the past and explained to her that Grammy does love her and it is just a "different" relationship than she has with the other girls. What makes it even harder in my situation is this is the only Grandmother my dd has as my mom passed long before dd was even born. I thinl that "I" long for that specail grandma/grand daughter relationship more for my dd than she does. Really, she doesn't even know what she is missing.....

By Karen~moderator on Thursday, December 1, 2005 - 07:38 am:

I understand your situation 100%. And it's possible that Vicki may be right in her assessment. My X-inlaws TOTALLY favored my nephew over my kids, particularly Jeff - they were the same age. There was never an issue with my oldest 2 - they were the ONLY grandchildren until they were around age 10.

But my X-inlaws did EVERYthing and spent all of their free time with my nephew and did nothing with my kids, and Jeff was very young when he realized it.

My X was aware of it, and whenever I mentioned it, he got angry and asked me what I expected him to do about it.

So unless your DH is willing to speak with your MIL, it will be up to you to deal with it.

I'm sorry for your DD, I know how heartbreaking this is for her - and you.

By Sunny on Thursday, December 1, 2005 - 09:33 am:

Seems to me you can do one of two things. Talk to your MIL and accept whatever comes of it or just accept it. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and would like to think that she is not aware of what she is doing. I'd hate to think it was a deliberate act on her part.
I do think that mothers tend to be closer to their daughter's kids if only because their's is an established relationship and mom and daughter are more comfortable around each other. It's hard for daughters in law to figure out their place in their DH's family and, (I'm assuming) it's vice versa for the mother in law. I also think the better the relationship with the parents, and that includes your Dh's relationship with his parents, the more the kids (all the grandkids) benefit.

By Beth on Thursday, December 1, 2005 - 10:05 am:

My grandma passed when I was 7, on my dad's side. My mom side, we always lived at least 5 or 6 hours away. My grandma also had 28 grandkids, so it was hard to have favorites. But my grandpa on my dad's side, always had favs. My sister was his fav and it didn't bother me that much. I remember the one time it did was when he couldn't come to my grandparents day in 6th grade and the very next year came to hers. I just learned growing up that my dad's family was funny like that. Personally I wouldn't say anything unless it really bothers your daughter. I think as some of the others have said as your daughter gets older it will be easier. I would take your daughters lead on this. My parents really don't have favs but my nephews live with them so they get them all the time and I admit I resent that my dk's never get alone time with them. But I have to take what can get I guess.

By Anonymous on Thursday, December 1, 2005 - 05:57 pm:

DH was sitting right there when DD and I were talking so he knows all of the details. He and I spoke about it today and we both agree that confronting his Mom would do more harm than good in regards to our DD. She would totally deny it and then proceed to treat DD even worse out of spite.

I now know how my DD feels and that she is aware of the situation so I will keep a very close eye on how things go.

Thanks for all of your replies!

By Kaye on Thursday, December 1, 2005 - 06:16 pm:

We deal with this, I dealt with it as a kid (i wasn't the favorite, my bro was), my kids aren't the favorite. That is just life. I try not to spend too much time as a big happy family, we try to find times where it is just my kids. But also, when it is mentioned to me, I say, "that is okay, you are my favorite and i count more", with a big smile and hug. You are going to change it, so you just have to find a way to cope with it and not let it bring your kids down. My dd at 11, now can state, well ya know she is the favorite because she lives closer, or she needs it more than me. My kids are the only kids in the family who still have both parents.

By Yjja123 on Thursday, December 1, 2005 - 07:24 pm:

This is a familiar situation for us all around. My in laws play favorites with their daughter (over my hubby their son) and her children. They can do no wrong and often it seems that we cannot do anything right. My kids are very aware of the discrepancies in how they are treated compared to their cousins. We have had many conversations about it. I think it is important to make it clear to your children that it is not their fault. They have done nothing wrong. The fault is in the person who plays favorites. My children no longer put much thought into it. We do not have a lot of interaction with the in laws. Instead we surround them with family and friends who love us equally and unconditionally.
Good luck!

By Mommybug77 on Friday, December 2, 2005 - 12:25 pm:

Dh & I just talked about this yesterday. My in-laws are great with our kids. Right now they are the only grandchilren on that side. SIL got married this year & will haveat least 1 kid I am sure. SIL is the fav. & it bothers DH. I told him if my in-laws started favoring a kid by SIL all hades would break loose. My parents do not favor one girl over the others. I would step in in a heartbeat if they did.

By Cocoabutter on Sunday, December 4, 2005 - 02:54 am:

I just asked my dh what he thought. If your dd is old enough to handle this, this is what my dh said he would do in this situation.

The next time she asks you, "Why does grandma love her more than me?" you should tell her, "I don't know, honey. Why don't you ask her?"

This will help your dd to learn what it feels like to stand up for herself. AND it will make your MIL accountable to HER, as it should be, and not to YOU.

Remember that you need to take into consideration your dd's age and maturity level first.

By Mom2three1968 on Monday, December 5, 2005 - 08:05 am:

I feel bad for your dd. We also have this in our family, my mil is just a mean and spiteful person to begin with, (not being mean, totally true). This is going to sound silly but mil favors the grandchildren that favor her children. She has two boys, my husband and his brother. My husbands first daughter favors him and his brothers boys favor him as well, and also their twins!! My poor dd when she was little my mil would be so mean to her, she is alot better today, but when dd and the twin boys were little it was really bad. When they were all little around five years of age, I ended up having to stay there with my kids for a few months, hubby was away in a school for military. If one of the twins fell and got hurt outside she'd be up so fast out of her chair, if it was my dd crying she'd sit there just thumbing through her paper. Well, believe me I know what your feeling. (((((Hugs))))) to you and your dd....

By Insaneusmcwife on Monday, December 5, 2005 - 08:36 am:

My grandma is like that. She has her favorites and will stick up for them and do for them regardless of what they do. And they are all hoodlems and a drain on society but none the less. She doesn't go to baby showers or our kids birthday parties but she will go to theirs. She couldnt even be bothered to come to our farewell party when we left California.
And, Ya know I have always felt that my kids have been at a disadvantage with the majority of their grandparents. It irritates me to no end that at two of the houses in particular, toys are bought for the "all of the grandkids" knowing full well that my kids are not around to use them and when they are those other grandkids take the toys from my kids because they are "their" toys. There is another grandparets house that only aknowledges my kids when they are at their house. Never calls on birthdays or sends cards, very rarely for Christmas either but the grandkids that are there on a regular basis are spoiled rotten every day at daily trips to Walmart, and you can bet their birthday and Christmas is never missed. It has always bothered me but I guess thats a price my kids will have to pay for their dad to be in the military. I know my son is starting to notice these things and it really truly does hurt both of us. But what can you do? I know I shouldn't but I always seem to over compensate for the kids on thier birthdays and Christmas. But I never buy the gifts and say they are from someone else.
Anyways did't mean to ramble but I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one going througth this. Its very sad and I truly feel sorry for you and your dd {{HUGS}}.