Going anon, as I have family that stalks me on here. rofl sorry... if you need to delete this post thats fine!

I have been reading alot and thinking alot about myself. I am focusing on what I can do to be a better person for *me* and for my *children*. I made an appt to see my doc in Dec about the possibilty of me having ADD. I have a child that is ADHD. I always thought it probably came from his Dad. Until recently that is. I think I may have it and it is kind of embarrassing.

If you were to come into my home it would *appear* to be organized and well maintained. Thats because I clear off all the surfaces and throw things in drawers, closets, dressers, trash, underbeds, etc... I dont stay focused long enough to actually deal with everything and find a place for it. I know I dont like clutter it makes me unable to focus. I cant cook unless my kitchen is clean and organized. I wont start ANY projects unless I *know* how it will turn out and I know that I wont be interrupted, etc... Otherwise, I cant stay focused or am scared to even begin? Does that make sense? I have been trying to go to college since I was 18. I start a class then I get bored, overwhlemed, distracted with life, and dont finish OR I do great and finish a class and dont go back the next semester?? There is no consistancy, no rhyme or reason. It is important to me to finish- as I want my kids to know how important it is to get an education. I want them to want to *better* themselves and never stop learning no matter how old they get.

If I get on the computer...forget it, I am not going to get anything done all day. If I dont have a list...forget it, I wont get a thing done all day. I cant go to the store without a list or I am lost. There are many days that I struggle with what I need to be doing. There are so many things going thru my mind at one time that I cant stay focused and do one thing until its completed. I cant even start scrapbooking. I feel lost when I go in the room and look at all the pics, all the pages, all the supplies I dont even know where to begin and then I start stressing about all the other I am not getting done in the rest of the house if I start scarpping? Its ridiculous. It feels like I am lazy but I really want to do things???

I am not extremely outgoing anymore. I feel like I dont have much to offer as far as conversation when I am around other women/men. I do get along well with kids. Do you think I have been a sahm toooo long? lol That is another reason I do like to take classes- it puts me out there and I meet other people and we have the *class* atleast in common to talk about. I have 3 close friends (2 of those are my sisters- does that count?). SO I am not a total recluse.

I RARELY ever invite people to my home for dinner or to hang out. That totally stresses me out. I just cant relax. It can be stressfull for my adhd child and he can act out. I tend to clam up if we go out with another couple. Especially when they have no kids and both earn large incomes- I sit there and have nothing in common and nothing to add to the conversation...it feels like i shouldnt be there. I am very diff in that, my family is numero uno. I dont like to hire babysitters if I dont have too and leave my kids. I have one very different and difficult child that many people could never understand what that makes my life like. I have often thought of starting a support group for families of adhd children just so I could meet other Moms that *get* my life.

I tried to shop for clothes last weekend and came home with 2 things. It feels completely overwhelming to try to pick something out. Many times I come home with nothing.

I also know I struggle with depression at times. But part of me feels like that may be from situations that occur in my life at that time... I am also aware that I have some self esteem issues. I tend to end up with people that (men) arent really great for me. I am aware of this. Some of it I think stems from having a controlling Mother. I never made any decisions for myself growing up, so I learned to *do what I was told*. Its something my sisters and I discuss often, we are aware of it and we know its something we have to work on.

I am just trying to be more aware of my moods, my ability or inability to get things accomplished, what cause me to feel this or that, etc... Are there any books that might be helpful for me to read?

Does anyone else relate to *any* of these feelings/situations I have mentioned? Is there anyone that has adult ADD and would be willing to share if you take meds for it or not. I know that will be what my doc suggests. My word I have rambled on and on and on...

By Eve on Wednesday, November 9, 2005 - 02:59 pm:

I don't know much about adult ADD or ADHD, but I do suffer from depression, as it runs in my family. I do know that for me, not being able to concentrate like that happens with depression. The best description came from Ginny, you feel like you are in a fog--Literally, in a fog. So, things seem overwhelming, you can't get anything done, which depresses you more. It really does feel like you are trying to get through life by seeing through a thick fog. When you are talking with someone, you are trying to carry on a conversation, but the fog is so thick.

I would never, ever tell someone to just go take medication. But, depression really is a chemical imbalance and for me medication helped me SO much. It was like the fog literally lifted and I felt normal. That's the key--normal!

I know it's tough, but I think you are doing the right thing by talking to your Doctor. Mine was wonderful and really understanding. He talked to me about the different medications and also therapy. There are options out there. Good luck and ((HUG)).

BTW-Are you feeling extra tired and sluggish all the time?

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, November 9, 2005 - 06:29 pm:

Anon, I consulted with my son, Scott, who has struggled with serious, severe depression for years, and only in the past year to year and half has gotten in control - that is, he is controlling his mental status instead of it controlling him. I also have battled with various levels of depression over the years. My opinion, and Scott's, is that you are describing the classical symptoms of depression: being disorganized and throwing stuff into hidden places so people don't see how disorganized you are (I remember doing that - I put the dirty dishes in the oven one time when my parents called to say they were 15 minutes away.); not risking failure - you won't start projects unless you *know* how they will come out; inability to focus; procrastination and avoidance - getting on the computer and spending the whole day (even when you are bored silly with what you are doing on the computer and just spend a couple of hours playing solitaire); avoiding people, feeling you can't offer as much as others in conversation; finding shopping a major chore and having difficulty selecting things to buy. These are all really classic symptoms.

Scott suggests, and I second, that you first get a good clinical workup, especially a good round of blood tests, and tell your doctor that you think you are depressed and want the kind of blood test that will look for the kinds of blood chemistry that can be associated with depression, and then get a referral to a good clinical psychiatrist. I say psychiatrist, rather than psychologist or counselor, because only a psychiatrist can prescribe medications, and only a practicing psychologist will know what medications might be better for you and how to advise you on what to look for in possible symptoms that say this is the wrong medication.

As for the possibility of ADD, it is, of course, possible. It is equally possible that the ADD symptoms you are experiencing are because of being depressed.

Depression is truly the pits. The more you are depressed, the more you withdraw from life and from human contact - the more you withdraw, the more depressed you become. You think - what is wrong with me, why can't I just pull myself together, I ought to be able to handle this. I remember someone telling me I should just pull myself up by the bootstraps. My internal response was, h*ll - I can't even find the bootstraps.

I have used this metaphor before, as Eve knows. For me, depression is a huge cloud of fog that surrounds me and gets in between me and everything I am trying to do, everyone I am with. Think of Joe Btsfplk, a character in the old Li'l Abner cartoon strip, who had a black cloud hanging over his head wherever he went.

Some people can come out of depression without help - usually when the depression is related to short-term situational stress. But your most dominant major stressor right now - your ADHD child - is not short-term. And I am guessing that at least one of the causes of your depression may be guilt - what did I do wrong to have my child have this condition, what am I doing wrong that I can't adequately help him to get over it, what am I doing wrong that he doesn't get better (soon).

Yes, depression, or a tendency to depression, can run in families. I know my dad had problems with it and when he hit a bad stressor had suicidal thoughts. My mom had a severe bout with depression after my dad died. I have struggled with depression, strong and mild, some situational and some not. My oldest son has occasional problems with depression and anxiety, as does my middle son, and my youngest son has had long, hard struggles for most of his life.

I think medications can be very helpful - IF the appropriate medications are prescribed, and if a clinical psychiatrist is overseeing your treatment. Scott's treatment regime has him seeing a psychologist once a week for 3 weeks, and the 4th week he sees the clinical psychiatrist, who has gone over what the psychologist reports, finds out from Scott how he is doing, and keeps tabs on how Scott is doing with his meds. I have read recent reports of studies that say that in most instances, people with long-term problems with depression do much better and are more likely to recover (i.e., get in control of their lives) if they have psychiatric/psychological counseling along with medication, and I am strongly inclined to believe that is true.

What is important to realize is that you didn't do anything to be depressed. Depression is an illness, much akin to diabetes or asthma or some other chronic condition. No one blames a diabetic for being diabetic, but our society still tends to blame a depressed person for being depressed - which makes it that much more difficult for a sufferer to seek help, because there is still a stigma associated with needing help for a mental/emotional condition. Which I think is a darned shame, and which is why so many people suffer in silence.

I can tell you that when I was in deep depression, my children suffered. I could not give them the quantity or quality of attention they needed to thrive emotionally, although I did meet all their physical needs. But as we know, physical needs are not the only needs children have. And when I began counseling and began to get in control of my life, it was much better for my children. If you decide to seek help, you may find that your getting help will also help your children.

I urge you to seek help - first the clinical workup and then psychiatric help. Yes, it isn't cheap. But if you don't get help, it may cost a lot more in money, and in other costs, in the long run.

If you want to, you can email me at klipvm (at) rcn.com. In the meantime, I will check through my bookmarks on depression and depression related topics over the weekend, and post in this thread with sites I think might be helpful.

Please know that you are not alone. A lot of people on this board have struggled with depression, some more severely than others, and they are very willing to talk about it. Bea, for one, has been quite open about her struggles, as has Eve, above. You will find lots of support and people who will just listen and give you an electronic hug, who want to help.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, November 9, 2005 - 06:35 pm:

Oh, and yes, Eve asked about feeling tired and sluggish all the time. One of the classic symptoms of depression is either excess sleeping or insomnia (go figure). I know when I was deeply depressed, I was doing a whole lot of napping during the day and then reading - anything and everything, including books I had read a month before - because I couldn't sleep. But I had no energy to "do something", like laundry or dishes or floor mopping, no matter how badly they needed doing.

And please, don't let your family doc prescribe for you without first seeing a clinical psychiatrist. While a lot of internists or family medicine docs have done a lot of studying on depression, others haven't, and what they know about depression and medications comes from the Physician's Desk Reference and what they get from the pharmaceutical salespeople. One of the reasons I cherish my family doc is that he knows what he doesn't know, and quite cheerfully tells me "Virginia, I think your problem may be X, but I don't have experience in that area so I am sending you to a specialist for X." He recently decided to send me to a gastroenterologist instead of ordering an MRI, because while he felt an MRI might be a good diagnostic tool, he thought the gastro guy should make the decision. And he was right. The best internist / family medicine doctor, to my thinking, is the one who knows what s/he doesn't know and has no hesitation in making a referral to an expert/specialist.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, November 10, 2005 - 03:35 pm:

bumping - Anon, I'd really like to hear from you.

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, November 13, 2005 - 08:25 am:

Anon - please touch base. I am anxious about not hearing from you, at least to let us know in this thread that you are hanging in there.