My dh's grandma is 104 and in a nursing home with Alzheimer's (she's still conscious and can function, but she doesn't know anyone or where she is). She's also extremely hard of hearing. My dds and I used to be close to her, but she's out of town now, and with life being busy as it is, it's been over a year since we've visited. The last time we did, it was very hard, since we couldn't talk to her easily and she didn't know us. At the time, I felt like I just didn't want to take the girls back. Now, I'm aware that her time left is really short, and I feel like I've done an injustice to my girls. I don't want them to believe it's OK to abandon the elderly, simply because it's inconvenient or uncomfortable for us. But how do I go about visiting at this point? She doesn't know us, she sleeps a lot, and she can barely hear us. I imagine we could be just "friendly strangers" to her, but even that seems overwhelming to me when we can't talk. I really want to do the right thing...any advice? TIA

By Juli4 on Wednesday, October 26, 2005 - 11:54 am:

The visit is more for you and the girls. So go ahead and visit. It is worth it and she is worth it. I hate to see elderly people in nursing homes with no family visiting no matter what the condition. Her sleeping and not knowing things is not good enough reasons to not go and visit her. Those seem to be things that you use to justify not seeing her in a year. A month or two is fine, but a year. I hope that other family visit her when they can.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but I have worked in a hospital with very elderly. They need to be honored and respected and treated like worthwhile human beings. They have no control over the health problems and at 104 I would say her days have been numbered for a while and you would feel guilty not seeing her.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, October 26, 2005 - 12:43 pm:

Yes, I think you are doing the right thing. Even if you are "friendly strangers" from her perspective, you are doing several good things.
First, you are letting the nursing home know that a family member cares and will keep tabs on her condition and care; second, you are showing your daughters, as you said, that our elderly are not to be abandoned; third, you will feel better about yourself and less guilty.

By Melanie on Wednesday, October 26, 2005 - 12:46 pm:

I had a grandmother with alzheimers. She advanced to the point where her body was functioning, but she couldn't even communicate anymore. It had been a long time since she recognized anyone. When I visited, I simply held her hand and touched her. I could feel her response to the physical touch. She held my hand so tight.

I think it would be very good for you and your girls to go. She has lived a long life and needs her family with her.

By Bellajoe on Wednesday, October 26, 2005 - 01:15 pm:

I agree go see her, bring your girls and just.....be there. If she is awake just talk to her about what you and the girls have been doing. If not, just sit in her room, hold her hand and talk to each other. Even if she does not know who you are, she will know someone cares about her. I'm sure even people with alzheimers feel pretty lonely in a nursing home and are glad to get company even though they don't express it.

By Reeciecup on Wednesday, October 26, 2005 - 04:24 pm:

When you visit if she is sleeping or not lucid you can tell your girls stories that you remember about your grandma or things she did. Oh I just reread its your dh's grandma. Is he going also? That would be very important and who knows? Maybe she might have a moment of memory while you are there.

By Marcia on Wednesday, October 26, 2005 - 04:32 pm:

I would take some photo albums to look at with her. While my grandma didn't remember anything in the recent past, she remembered her childhood. If you have old photos it would be great, but sharing new stuff would be nice for her to look at, too. Even if she doesn't remember any of it, it'll give you all something to focus on.
Take pics while you're there, so that your kids will have those memories.

By Karen~moderator on Wednesday, October 26, 2005 - 04:47 pm:

Ditto all the above! And if nothing else, your kids and YOU will have no regrets when her time comes, plus they will learn a valuable lesson in the importance of FAMILY.

By Annie2 on Wednesday, October 26, 2005 - 06:40 pm:

Maybe go to the library and find out the headlines news that has happened over her lifetime. Make a list, maybe some clips of magazines, newspapers, etc. It will give you something to look at and talk about. It will also inform the kids of what a long life she has lead.

My dh's grandmother died last year at the age of 101. At her memorial service one of her sons, age 80!, read down a list of important facts, invention and headlines which she lived through. The list was amazing.

I'm glad you are going to go visit.

By Pamt on Wednesday, October 26, 2005 - 09:02 pm:

Janet, my grandmother is 94 and has Alzheimer's. We were so close all of my life and I fall apart every time AFTER I visit her because she is just a shell of her former self. She used to always have her hair fixed, make-up on, and never wore pants just skirts with hose. She doesn't remember my name anymore, but I can tell she knows that I *belong* to her. I always take my boys to go visit. I idid make her a memory album with lots of family pictures with descriptions of who, what, when, where. She can still read, but I don't know how much she comprehends. We can't carry on a conversation anymore, so I do something for her that she used to always do for me when I was a little girl...I give her a manicure. I carefully wash her hands and file her nails, then I rub rose-scented (her favorite scent) lotion into her hands while I tell her stories of times we had together, like how we used to eat cold pizza for breakfast, how pretty her hydrangeas, wisteria, and azaleas looked in the spring, how she and I would play dominoes until the late news was over, etc. After the lotion I paint her nails a pale pink and remind her how she used to tell me that nice girls didn't paint their fingernails red--LOL. It is a time full of touch (which I think is VERY important), long-term memories (which people with Alzheimer's are more apt to remember), and silence of just being in each other's company as well. I sometimes take her frozen yogurt too which she loves.

I think your girls would really enjoy giving her a manicure and she would like it too. I think a visit sounds like a great idea!

By Janet on Thursday, October 27, 2005 - 09:50 am:

OK, I suppose I deserved the harsh words. Yes, it's an excuse. I can't help but be human sometimes. She has other visitors, including her daughter (my MIL), who goes to see her several times a week, so she's not been abandoned. Please try to understand that I didn't have grandparents and I don't know how to deal with the very elderly and sick. My whole point was to try and change this, and I appreciate the helpful comments.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, October 27, 2005 - 11:21 am:

Janet, in reading everyone's posts, I don't think anyone was criticizing you. Rather, they were giving you reasons to encourage you to do what you already know is the right thing. Yes, it is hard to deal with the elderly and sick. But the only way you can show your children how you want to be treated when you are elderly and sick is to model it for them with dh's grandmom.

I know that my taking care of my parents for the years before they died made a significant impression on my sons (grown then and now), and their reactions make me feel a lot safer in thinking about what will happen to me when I need that kind of care. I also know that if you didn't have a relationship with her before, it is even harder. I can tell you that sometimes when you did/do have a relationship, it is even harder, because the "person" you knew and loved is gone and you are trying to relate to a shell. There were times I got really angry with my father (who had multi-infarct dementia, with symptoms much like Alzheimers), because his dementia was at least partly a result of his not appropriately dealing with his high blood pressure - and I was deprived of my dear daddy and taking care of this body that used to be him. If it had not meant so much to my mother, I would much rather have placed him in a nursing home, but she loved and wanted to care for any part of him she could have for as long as she could have him, so that's what we did.

By Dawnk777 on Thursday, October 27, 2005 - 11:33 am:

The last time I visited my grandma, she seemed to know who I was, and while she couldn't remember the kids' names, she did know they belonged to me. She loved having us visit and I took her out front to see the huge fish tank up there.

My sister visited a few days later and she had absolutely no recollection that I was there and that she had visted the fish tank. I need to get there again to visit her. She is 92 and my last remaining grandparent.

By Janet on Thursday, October 27, 2005 - 02:51 pm:

I think I'll go by myself or with dh the first time, and maybe talk with the staff to see what might work best. Or my MIL. I appreciate your help!

By Melanie on Thursday, October 27, 2005 - 03:02 pm:

I think that is a good plan.

By Amyk on Sunday, October 30, 2005 - 07:51 pm:

My Grandma had Alzheimer's and the one time I went to visit her - I was in GA - she was in MN - it was very tough. I didn't want that to be the last memory of her. I think it is a good idea for you to go alone w/ your dh first. An alzheimer's ward can be a disturbing place for a child. I'm glad I went (I was in my 20's) - she didn't know my name - but she said "Oh...you!" - I still hang on to that. She passed away within that year. She was an incredible, strong, wonderful woman before that disease got her and I'm glad she is safe and well again up in heaven.

:-)

Amy