Another marriage type question.
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive October 2005:
Another marriage type question.
I must post Anon, as I have several friends who come to this board.
I know there has been several marriage posts on here in the last few months. I try not to answer these type of posts as I have no real advice to give, as my marriage is not all that great.
For a long time I just have not felt that spark or connected to my husband. Everytime he touches me I just "felt" funny.
Today it dawned on me, the feeling I was feeling.For a long time, I could not put it into words, well until today.
Remember when you were single and dating? Did you ever date a "nice Guy", Maybe go one one or two dates with them,but really never wanted to kiss them or get involved.It is like you know they are really nice, but you did not want them to touch you. Almost like, they were so nice, and you just didnt want to hurt their feelings so you accepted a date with them, yet you knew there was no spark, and you hoped for no goodnight kiss? Yet, you felt guilty because they truley were a nice guy.
Well thats exactly how I feel about my husband. He is a nice guy, yet I dont want to be touched by him, or even want to kiss him. I dont hate him, or anything like that. He is a nice guy, loves the kids, helps out around the house. I just sometimes cringe, when he tries to hug me. I dont ever look for it. It is not that Im a unfeeling person. I love on my kids all day long.I have plenty of kisses and hugs for them.
I had felt guilty for so long on my feelings, and I just couldnt place them. It is that I have "felt" this way before.
I can rememeber going on a blind date, it was a double date with a friend. My date was really nice, and we had alot to talk about, and he was funny. Yet, I kept secretly hoping he WOULD NOT try to kiss me because I didnt like him like that. I remember feeling guilty because he was so nice.
That is how I feel now.
Im not looking for people to tell me to go to marriage counseling.I know that is the common response to this. I know I need counseling myself. I have gone on and off over the years.
Im just wondering if others ever feel that way. Or can relate to the "nice guy" feeling.
Thanks for reading my long post.
I can relate to the nice guy feeling, (with guys I dated, not dh) but I really wonder something.... was there ever a time that it was more to you?
I'm kind of at a lost. I know EXACTLY what you mean, only not with my husband. The son of a good friend of my family wanted to date me the entire time I was in high school. I was in a serious relationship and told him if I broke up with that person, I'd go out with him. Well, I did break up with that person, but started dating someone else pretty quickly before this person had a chance to ask me out. So I promised him the same thing. This time, he moved quickly, so I kept my promise, and went to the movies with him. I so did not want him to touch me. At all. I really liked him as a friend. But nothing more. He insisted that if I kissed him, I would feel something. I told him I'd give him one chance. He kissed me and YUCK!!! I stopped him, told him there was nothing there, and never went out with him again. My husband laughs about this because he and I had started getting involved a little just before this. He knew about me going out with this guy, though.
But, I don't have these feelings towards my husband....much. I say this because yes, there are times that I'm just not in the mood, when I'm feeling bad or something, and I don't want to kiss him, I don't want to be intimate. But, I never don't want to be hugged or cuddled or that kind of thing. I've never not wanted to be touched by him except during a brief thing the first year of our marriage when we were having some issues.
I think it is normal to have the feelings of "ugh, don't kiss me" sometimes. No one is ever ALWAYS in the mood to be intimate. But having these feelings all the time is definitely something to be addressed. I'm not going to give you the whole therapy spiel because I am not as "into" the therapy thing as most people.
I just hope you can figure this out and get to the point that you and your husband need to be, whatever that may be.
Just a question? I may have missed it, but did you feel like this from the beginning? Even prior to getting married? Or did these feelings develop later on? If they developed later on, maybe you guys need to find a way to get him to break out of the "nice guy" role. Dress up sexy, go out, and flirt a little with other guys....with your husband with you and watching. Get a couple of comfortable toys. Teach your husband to be a little dirty or rough with you. Let him know that you want to catch him checking you out... teach him to say things to you when he really shouldn't. Like whispering in your ear something naughty at the grocery store.
As crazy as it sounds, I always get so turned on when my husband and I go to the video store. I don't have a clue why, and no, they don't even have an adult's only room! We can be renting a movie for the kids, and it's the same thing. We sneak in a little touch here or there, a certain look, a little phrase. It works. Sometimes you have to put a little effort and planning into it at first, but soon enough, it may become habit and that's when you'll notice a difference.
I can relate. Before I was married, I couldn't get enough of my husband. Now with kids and responsibilities and just plain exhaustion, I really don't want it that much anymore. However, when we get started, I do enjoy it  . There was a time when I didn't though and I traced it to the birth control I was taking. Could there be some hormonal issue that is stopping you from feeing sexual attraction?
Posting as anon2 just in case hubby should come across this - don't want him to feel bad over nothing.
Anon2
Love isn't about the "gushy" feeling. That feeling comes and goes. I think we all go through these periods and they seemed worse when the kids were infants and as the kids are getting older it is getting better. The excitment of a first kiss or a new love is exciting, everyday life isn't always
I agree that everyday life isn't that exciting and no matter what it will never be *exactly* the way it was in the beginning. Having said that though, I ditto Luvn29 in the fact that (at least for us) there's still sooo much that IS like the beginning. The little touches, the whispers "in the videostore" or even during a diaper change! LOL It may not consume each day like it does when you're dating because real daily life is busy and tiring, but it's still always there. I have to say that I have a glow for my dh everyday. That doesn't always mean we want to jump in the sack and go for it, but it means that the romantic spark is always there, based on love, friendship, respect, excitement, attraction, history....the list seems to go on. Love isn't only the "gushy" stuff, but it's certainly an important part of it.
I agree with others in asking the question to Anon1: Did you feel this way before getting married or has it changed over time? It seems to me that if it's just gradually changed then you can work on it together. If it was never there to begin with, it's probably never going to be. And IMO, if that's the case, you deserve to be with someone you are so in-love with and who really gives you butterflies. Life is too short to be stuck in a comfort zone when you could be inspired by someone you think is wonderful each and everyday. (JMHO)
PS: I had a blind date once, too, just as you mentioned. He was great, cute, we talked a lot and had a great time and I had not one romantic feeling toward him. We had one more date and that was it. I remember thinking "Why waste my time?" BTDT
I kind of think you will always feel the way you feel for your husband unless you totally committ to the relationship. If you think you are getting out then you won't work on your feelings and relationship right.
You can't have all the excitement we first had when we met our loves. We would all be having heart attacks and die early from the excitement. We would be sick of the drama fast too.
It is just an ebb and flow of an relationship. Just think about all the creeps out there and work on your marriage. Marriage is work. The same thing would happen no matter who you are married to. Even Brad Pitt. But who wants him? He will cheat on you with Angelia Jolie.
You can be married to who ever but you still bring yourself along...
I remember when I was 16 I met a woman who had three kids. She had been married to a fireman. She divorced him because she had lost the loving feeling. She said he was great. (maybe she was lying.) I just thought it was the silliest thing to have three kids with a guy and then decide you don't want to sleep with your husband. I thought she was an idiot. Of course I didn't know the whole story. But for her to say her husband was great and she just decided she didn't want to sleep with him to my 16 year old ears was werid. Her life was in shambles and so was her three very young kids lives.
When I met her she was dating a cab driver (ugly and fat alcoholic and smoke smelling cab driver) and she had a job the same job that I had. (remember I was 16... I didn't even think it was a good job for a 16 year old) We made $25 buck some nights for 8 hours of work. I worked all night for a catering company for weddings. Everyone who worked for the company was an full blown alcoholic. The alcoholic cab driver work for the same company too making $25 bucks for 8 hours work some nights.
Anyway I imagined her trading her handsome firefighter for the dirty cab driver she had... Hope she still has the loving feeling with him... I guess anyone starts too look good if you are desperate or lonely enough or drunk enough.
The girl was really pretty and young. She had blond hair and blue eyes and was thin and pretty. She looked like a perpetual teenager.
That was also the 1980 where everyone believed the love songs and love movies. That you should have first passion love for 50 years else it wasn't true love. I guess we all believe this from the love movies and love songs then we grow up.
Anyone I always remember that girl I met over 24 years ago. I can see her now. I felt very sorry for the mess she made of her life and her kids lives and her handsome firefighers life. All over some fantasy too.
I can tell you another story of a woman who fell out of love with her husband because he wasn't enough like Jesus. He was a missionary when she met him and married him making not a penny. He got a job and supported the family. But he wasn't perfect like Jesus so she was sick of him after 3 kids again... Nice guy and hard worker. He totally changed for her. They worked it out with church counseling and a seperation.
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