What would you do (relationship question)
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What would you do (relationship question)
If you'd been dating someone for a long while. (3 years or so) and the longer you're together the less your needs seem to be getting met and yet he still appears to want you meeting all of his?
Yes I have talked to him repeatedly and he says "I think we just see things differently" Like things will be going on in his "social" circle and if it was me I'd invite him but he doesn't invite me unless it's good friends of his and even then more often not than does.
Other than a few short trips (a couple of days) away out of town together (the norm) we've basically stopped going out anywhere together. He'll just come over and spend time at my house. I can't recall the last time I was at his house. He says "when I'm less stressed things will be better" and nothing changes. It's basically at the point where I feel I'm meeting all his needs and he's not meeting mine and we only see each other when it's convenient for him and his "life".
He talks about "his" dreams with no obvious attention to what I might want to be doing down the road when he's ready to retire and I'm still in the prime of my life. We have a rather large age gap between the two of us and it's never really seemed to matter until recently when I started revamping my life and making changes and goals etc for my life.
I'm not sure it's really him changing or anything he's doing that is changing but me. Whenever I try to discuss things like this with him he says I'm emotional, I'm thinking too much etc. and never seems to want to talk it out.
He's logical and I'm more emotional yet quite logical too. For me it's logical to work things like this out when they're still small problems. He figures if we just "wait" it will all work itself out as he gets his "life" stuff sorted and I get mine. I'm more the type to "sort" it together and build on what we already have.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Basically I'm at the point where I don't even think about seeing him. I phone him less often. I'm getting all the emotional support I need from close friends, counsellors and my therapist, rather than him. I've suggested things like counsellors and the like to him to "help" with his things. He always says "yeah maybe" and just keeps going on with his life not changing anything or at least taking small steps to do it.
We used to be so great together and things seem to be shifting drastically. I'm not sure anymore if I'm even staying with him now because I want to or whether I'm staying with him because I feel he "needs" me.
What would you do?
I know that getting my answers from someone else isn't the way to make the decision I could just really use the insight.
I'm a regular poster here I just prefer to go anon as I know a few people in my life who come here and don't know all of this. Sorry if my thoughts are scattered.
What would I do? I think it's time to move on. YOUR decision of course, but by your description, this relationship doesn't sound like it's worth the effort any longer. {{{HUGS}}}
He sounds like a user. Selfish. He doesn't invite you to do go places with him when he is going to an event or party. Really sounds like he is using you for a sex.
I wouldn't bother with him. The Worst Waste of Time. It just is going to get worse.
He should be treating you like a princess.
Ditto Trina and Feona..............sorry.
Ditto the others. I think if you have been in relationshiop for 3 years and marriage and future plans are not well in the making then it is time to move on. I know there are sometimes special circumstances that warrant longer engagments, dating periods, etc, but studies show that the longer you date and don't actually take that next step, the less likely your marriage has of surviving, IF you get to that step.
That being said, it is at least time to have a heart to heart with him and say, this is what I want in a relationship. You are not meeting my needs. If things aren't better than thing will change 
Ditto all the others {{{{Anon}}}}
Ditto everyone else. It would concern me that everytime you try to talk to him about your feelings, he brushes you off. It seems that as long as you are meeting his needs, he isn't really concerned that he isn't meeting yours, which makes a very one sided relationship. It also sounds like you are moving on in your life and he is not. Ultimately, it is up to you, but it sounds like it is time to get out this relationship.
I think you wrote your own answer. You say you've changed and you have. Please don't take this as a negative, but when we make drastic changes in several aspects of our own lives we expect:
A. All parts of our live to change dramatically.
B. People close to us to change along with us.
Sometimes these things do happen and at other times they don't. Why would you suggest that he need counseling? Did he seem to need it before you began your own?
I can tell you from my own experience that if you truly love this man, then you will do whatever it takes to make things work. I did.
If you don't truly love him - if he doesn't still rock your world when he comes into the room and smiles at you - then it's time to end this relationship.
Our needs get met at different times in relationships. All my needs don't get met every day by my husband and vice verse, but there is a give and take of meeting needs and our most important ones manage to get addressed.
You do need to have one of those uncomfortable relationship conversations, however. Tell him how you feel, tell him that you don't feel the relationship is growing. If it's important to him, he'll try and respond to you. If not, then you'll have your answer yet again.
This is never easy. Hugs to you. I hope you get it worked out.
Ame
It sounds like he likes convenience...you're not a 7-11. Find some other people and possibly date others. I was a HUGE fan of this in college. I had a "2 week rule". I didn't date most men past 2 weeks because I found that they were in 1 of these categories:
1. Into themselves
2. Into their car
3. Not into me
Sounds like he's got at least #1 and #3 going on...
I agree with the others. I think it is time to move on.
Life is too short for all of this. Don't try to force a relationship especially since you are not married or living together. Cut your losses and leave. It won't improve and you won't change him.
Have you heard of the book ' He's Just Not That Into You!' ??? I think you should read it.
It sounds to me like he is SET in his ways. I have seen many relationships end because of the huge gap in age. Woman look for maturity and alot of times end up in this situation. You would think it would still feel quite new beings its only been 3 years? I say move on, find yourself, love yourself, then date! Goodluck
I don't think I would stay with him. I think you deserve better than this!
The purpose of dating is to find out if you are a match. To get to know someone and make a decision if he is the type of person you want to father your 10 children with. To decide for yourself if this is the life you want.
You have the right to make that decision for yourself. In fact, you have that responsibility to the 10 children you may one day have, and to choose the right father for them.
You have the foresight to see that when the going gets tough and life gets stressed, he withdraws and doesn't handle it well. So what will he do when the bills are due and the car needs to be repaired and the kids need to go to the doctor and the sink gets clogged and the furnace needs to be replaced.... in other words, when LIFE happens, he will be AWOL.
You don't want to be in that place five years from now and look back at the signs you saw and ignored, and then be filled with regret.
If after three years he is not ready to commit, it's time to make the decision that he just isn't a match for you. It doesn't necessarily mean that he is a bad guy, just that he is not the guy for you.
I don't really have anything to add. I agree with the other ladies--it sounds like it's time to move on with your life. (((anon)))
I quote from your post:
we've basically stopped going out anywhere together
I feel I'm meeting all his needs and he's not meeting mine and we only see each other when it's convenient for him and his "life
Whenever I try to discuss things like this with him he says I'm emotional, I'm thinking too much etc. and never seems to want to talk it out
Basically I'm at the point where I don't even think about seeing him. I phone him less often. I'm getting all the emotional support I need from close friends, counsellors and my therapist, rather than him.
We used to be so great together and things seem to be shifting drastically.
Seems to me you've said it all, and I agree with the ladies above. You have chosen to grow and change, he has not, and he is apparently not willing to.
Sounds to me like you are a convenience for this man as long as you don't ask him to make any changes or adaptations to your needs.
Staying with someone for his needs when your needs are not met or even treated as valid is what a mom does, or what one does with an elderly or ailing parent, but you don't want to be a mom or a caregiver - you want to be a partner with someone who is willing to treat you as an equal partner.
If it were me I'd give him his walking papers. And if I'd given him a housekey, I'd change the lock, just to feel comfortable.
I haven't read any of the other posts so sorry if I am repeating somebody but it sounds like...
"he's just not that into you." Oprah did a whole show with the author of a book called "He's Just Not That Into You" and it was all about the fact that women need to let go of a guy who seems like that.
You deserve MUCH BETTER!!!!!
Ditto Livvy. The book she mentioned is one you should read.
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