My DH talked to a counselor today. Onne of his co-workers died of a massive heart attack yesterday at work. My DH felt really bad because he was only a couple blocks away, and feels like if he were there, he could have done something. I told him that chances are, he probably couldn't have.

My DH had a really rude customer yesterday, she started yelling and cursing at him. So, my DH got loud with her, but didn't say anything rude. He finally had enough and went to his truck and called his supervisor and told him what was going on. He was having a really bad day as it was and didn't need someone yelling at him for something that he couldn't do.

Well, this morning, I called him when I woke up, like I always do, and he didn't answer. About an hour later, I called him again, and he said that he would call me back. About 20minutes later, he called and apologized for not answering. He said that he was talking to a counselor. I asked him about what, and he said that he was just really upset about things. I asked him about what, and he said with everything that happened yesterday and the miscarriage.

I started to cry, I couldn't help it. I told him that he knows that he can ALWAYS talk to me, even though he hasn't and doesn't all the time. He hasn't talked about the miscarriage at all to me. He has shed a tear once. It just makes me so upset that he can share his feelings with a total starnger, but not his own wife. I want to be there for him and comfort him like he has helped comfort me during this time. I have been under the impression that it didn't bother him too much, and he didn't really care as much as me. I know that it will bother me more than him, because of the conection I felt with the baby and it is more of an emotional issue for me than him. I get that totally, but I wish he would tell me how he is feeling. I have asked and he just says that yes he is upset, but it didn't really bother him too much. He wants a perfectly healthy baby, and if something was wrong, he would rather it happen like it did, then later on when we would have been even more attached. I couldn't agree more, but I am just so upset that he doesn't talk to me about this.

I know that men don't share their feelings all the time, and with him, I have to pull things out, but this should be different. I am so sorry that I am rambling, but I just feel hurt. Thank you for reading this and letting me vent.

I know that you all know who I am, but I am posting anon. for personal reasons.

By Christylee on Wednesday, September 28, 2005 - 11:29 am:

I'm sorry you're hurt, I can admit I'd be a tiny bit as well because as a spouse you want to feel like you can help the person more than anything...

Maybe he just didn't want to burden you with what he was going through (although it wouldn't be a burden but he may feel like it was) you are feeling a loss and maybe he didn't want to add to what you are going through with his own. I APPLAUD him, commend him, and wish I could give him big hug for seeking help. It's not an easy thing to do and it's even harder thing for a man. I'd tell him you are proud of him for seeking help and let him know you are there for him as well. Sometimes getting over things or working through things it's easiest/better to have someone not directly "IN" the situation to see things in a better/different light. I'd just give him support and help him through this... Hugs to both of you...

By Mommmie on Wednesday, September 28, 2005 - 12:13 pm:

Was this like a grief counselor provided by the employer because of the co-worker's death? If so, I wouldn't be hurt because that is why counselors are brought in when something bad happens. I would think it's normal for other things to come up during the session, as well, as it's difficult to compartmentalize our lives.

By Trina~moderator on Wednesday, September 28, 2005 - 12:28 pm:

{{{HUGS}}} Try not to take it personally. Men show their grief differently. My hunch is that he wanted to be strong for you and protect you from further turmoil regarding the misscarriage and also didn't want to dump more stuff on you concerning the death of his co-worker. He went to a counselor for help. That is what counselors are for. He will come to you later but wait until he's ready.

By Missmudd on Wednesday, September 28, 2005 - 01:14 pm:

Dh is trying to cope the best he can, his method of coping is different from yours, just as his grief of the miscarriage is different from yours. Please dont try to rate who hurts the most or who is grieving the most, because in the end it is just blame. It is a dangerous road to take to think that you hurt more than he does, it just isolates you both.

Strangely enough in really close marriages councillors are sometimes MORE important. Dh doesnt want to get into this with you, not because he doesnt care, or that he isnt sad, it is that the combined weight of your grief will crush you both, maybe not true but maybe the way he looks at it. To women that good cry is important and cleansing, to men it is a loss of control and makes them very uncomfortable. Let him get the help he needs, you get the help you need and in the end come back together and work together when all of this isnt so new and he has a chance to digest everything.

By Kernkate on Wednesday, September 28, 2005 - 01:21 pm:

{{{{Hugs}}}} Ditto what everyone else has said above. If he felt he needed to talk to a counselor, I would be happy. When he feels the time is right for the two of you to talk I am sure he will talk to you...
Hang in there.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, September 28, 2005 - 02:47 pm:

I am very happy that he talked to someone, I jsut wish he would talk to me about how he is feeling too. I would rather him talk to a total starnger, than keep it all in. I love my DH so much, and I want to be able to be there for him and understand how he is feeling too.

By Boxzgrl on Wednesday, September 28, 2005 - 02:59 pm:

I've learned this from my DH.

He feels that his job is to shelter and protect me. He also feels like if he pours out his worries and frustrations on me then it is going to stress me out and make me unhappy. He didn't want to burden me with his work problems. His only problem was that he wasn't talking to someone so it kept escalating. Eventually, the smallest things would get on his nerves. I noticed and and sat down to talk with him. I told him if work was stressing him out, he could talk to me about it. It still took him about 6 months to open up to me but he realized i'm not as fragile as I seem.

Maybe the stress at your DH's work was the topping to the recent stress of the miscarriage? Maybe he knows how hurt you are so he's trying to be strong to be there for you and didn't want to let you know how hurt he was as well? There are a lot of "what if's" you can go through but from the way you represent your DH on this site, I doubt he was trying to be hurtful or not open to you. I think maybe he just figured you have enough stress with the m/c and didn't want to add more. I think he was only looking out for your best interest. Just reassure him that you are always there whenever he needs to talk, just as he is for you. (((HUGS)))

By Emily7 on Wednesday, September 28, 2005 - 05:16 pm:

I can understand why you would feel hurt that he didn't come to you first & talk to you. I am guessing that he didn't want to burden you with anymore than what you are already dealing with.

By Emily7 on Wednesday, September 28, 2005 - 05:18 pm:

Not to say that it would be a burden on you! Just sometimes men look at things differently & he may have seen it as more of a burden on you.
I hope that makes sense & that I didn't offend you.

By Jelygu on Wednesday, September 28, 2005 - 06:33 pm:

Ditto Trina and others who said he didn't want to put anymore worry or stress on your shoulders. I understand how you feel, but he didn't mean it personally. I think he was trying to protect you, and maybe in the future he will be able to talk to you about it, when it isn't so emotional.

By Amecmom on Wednesday, September 28, 2005 - 10:39 pm:

I can see how you can feel hurt and yes, betrayed, although I don't believe he betrayed your trust. You are very vulnerable right now and your wounded spirit is raw. Any small offense is going to seem huge. As hard as it is, let it go. You are hurt enough, don't let this fester, too. He is getting out his grief in some way and that is the main thing. Don't let this bring you apart when you need to be together.
Remember, he sought the advice of a professional, not a friend or someone close to him. I hope you can feel better soon. Hugs Sweetie.
Ame

By Feona on Thursday, September 29, 2005 - 06:43 am:

I don't think he wants to burden you with his problems.

It is good he went to a counselor. Most men don't even realized they have feelings untill they start to give them trouble.

By Unschoolmom on Thursday, September 29, 2005 - 06:57 am:

I know this feels hurtful but I think one thing that would help your DH at the moment is if the next time you see him you give him a huge hug and tell him you're proud of him for seeking out some help. It's such a huge step for some men to seek out the help of a proffessional, he's got a lot of courage.

Just letting him know you're proud and thankful that he sought out help may make him feel safer about talking to you next time. But he probably really needs that hug and it sound like you do too.

By Vicki on Thursday, September 29, 2005 - 07:32 am:

I agree that I think it is huge that he talked to someone about it. By nature, men are "fixers" and it is very hard for them to admit that they need to get things out and seek help when it is needed. I would also bet that he didn't want to add to your stress and worries. He needed to be the strong one with the miscarriage because you needed him to be. (I am talking in his eyes, not necessarily the truth) I wonder, do you think that if you wouldn't have just gone through that, do you think he would have come to you?? I agree that just a big hug is in order.

By Karen~moderator on Thursday, September 29, 2005 - 09:21 am:

Ditto everyone else. And have you considered that, in addition to him being a MAN and reacting as MEN do, that he is hurting too and really is worried about adding pressure to your emotional state right now? I understand why you feel the way you do right now, but please, take a deep breath, re-group and look at the big picture and try to accept, and be happy that he is taking action to deal with his feelings. Both of you are *raw* emotionally right now. In time, you will talk and confide in each other, and that will be the time when you can let him know that you need him to talk to YOU about these feelings and things, no matter how you, yourself are feeling. As someone said, he may feel he needs to protect you, he probably feels like he will upset you more by talking to you. Men just don't *get* it sometimes. There will be a time when you can tell him you NEED him to turn to you and you need HIM to need YOU. Hang in there - you are going through a painful time, it takes time to move past it and heal - for BOTH of you.

By Anonymous on Thursday, September 29, 2005 - 06:43 pm:

I just wanted to thank you all. When he came home, I gave him a huge hug, and told him how I felt. He totally understands, and says that what you all said is how he feels. I told him that no matter how he feels about hurting me or burdening me, which he wouldn't be doing, I want to be there for him. He said ok and we left it at that. He gave me a huge hug and told me that he loves me more than anything and he is so happy to have me. You gotta love him!!!

By Unschoolmom on Friday, September 30, 2005 - 09:48 am:

That's wonderful Anon. :D What a guy!