How Do You Define an Alcoholic?
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How Do You Define an Alcoholic?
My mom was here for 3 weeks and during that time she drank a total of four 4 litre boxes of wine which is the equivalent of 20 bottles of wine, plus a 26 oz bottle of Bailey's a 26 oz bottle of some other sort of liqueur and I would say approximately 20 oz of Vodka.
She did not start drinking until after 4 pm each day and never appeared drunk although she must have been. She never drank that much when I was at home. She was always the sort of person who would have a drink to unwind after work. I can't believe how much she drinks, she is a tiny person only 4 feet 11 inches and probably does not weigh more than 130 lbs and is in her late 50s.
We went to visit her once and she was making her own wine, she had it stored in a water cooler in her kitchen!
She is not what I would think of when I think of an alcoholic, she is not falling down drunk, does not slur her words and is not mean or abusive the way some people are. If you met her you probably would not even realize she had been drinking.
My father whom I never really knew as a child is an alcoholic, however he no longer drinks, but he has that mentality of what I would typically think of as an alcoholic. He is emotionally unstable and unpredictable and at times verbally abusive although he gave up the alcohol years ago. He never sought out any help for his problem though.
Anyway, I know that a lot people here have parents or people in their lives that are alcoholics and I'm just wondering if anyone knows someone like my Mother. I'm also wondering "How do you define an alcoholic?"
BTW ~ I never left my children in her care while she was drinking and she never drove anywhere in the evenings.
Well, in 3 weeks' time that's a bottle of wine per day not even counting the other liquor. I would definitely say that your mother is an alcoholic, esp. given that she drinks daily (and I would bet that she'd say she *needs* a drink to unwind and can't make it through a day without one, even though she probably thinks she can) and potentially alone. Just because someone doesn't appear drunk doesn't mean that they aren't. Alcoholism is such a horrible insidious disease. Both my grandfather and aunt are alcoholics. My GF finally joined AA and had been sober for almost 10 yrs when he died (due to liver related complications).
An alcoholic doesn't have to be your proverbially drunk. Most alcoholics hold down full time jobs and only drink before or after work.
I have one alcoholic in my family who used to also be a workaholic at the same time. He also was never verbally abusive to anyone except he would argue and be controlling over his spouse. He now will not work, it has gotten so bad, that he cannot go through the day without drinking, and he has been in rehab around 30 times.
Another family member however, a recovered alcoholic, has always worked a good job, is a wonderful mother and wife, cooks meals everyday for her family, takes the kids everywhere they need to go, just runs the family just as it needs to be run. However, she would drink in the evenings and late into the nights, every night, after everything was done that she needed to do. It never interfered with their life,in a physical way, but she was definitely an alcoholic. She no longer drinks, but she still has the cravings at times.
An alcoholic is someone who drinks excessively, and is dependent on it. Just as you said, your mother NEEDED it to wind down from work. Not saying that everyone who has a drink every evening, or with dinner, etc, is an alcoholic. It stems on whether they just have to have it.
There are many different types of alcoholics. No one category can cover all of them.
Hope this helps you some...
My dad was/is an alcoholic and sounds similar to your mom in some respects. He NEVER drank a thing before about 6pm, there was never any alcohol in my house, and he also never drank at home. I rarely actually *saw* him drink anything, because he and my mom always went to a local bar EVERY evening and he came home plastered around midnight or so. He always had this thing about not wanting to drink in front of the kids, but then didn't mind coming home plastered. Go figure! Having said that, I have a wonderful relationship with my dad and am totally a Daddy's girl. He is still the same to this day and I love him dearly, although I'm glad that I no longer have to live with him.
Unlike your mom, my dad WAS drunk at the end of the night, but fortunately was never abusive to me or my siblings. He was verbally abusive to my mom when he was drunk, however.
I think it's sometimes difficult to define an alcoholic because we tend to have this perception that an alcoholic is unstable, unpredictable, and drunk all of the time. I've learned over the course of my life that is just one way that an alcoholic can be. My in-laws drink ALL DAY LONG, drive, rarely "appear" to be drunk, but cannot go one hour without an alcoholic beverage. I've learned they also are alcoholics, which 20yrs. ago I would never have thought.
I have read that alcoholism is hereditary. Both of my Dad's parents were also alcoholics. I myself rarely have a drink, don't tolerate it well, and married a man who NEVER drinks. It's hard to talk to an alcoholic who is like your mom and my dad because they will always have the argument that they are functioning just fine...going to work, taking care of their home, etc. Alcoholism is a complicated disease.
I have dealt with alcoholism in my own family and they come in different forms. Do you & your mom get along? Did you make her feel welcome while visiting? She may have increased her intake of alcohol because of this. Alcoholics don't need any excuses to drink though. Are you close? Did you ask her about her drinking? Although, your mom may get defensive if you asked her. It's not any easy disease to deal with. Just wanted to throw out some ideas. In no way are these questions meant to make it your fault. Your mom is an alcoholic but unfortunately, this disease affects all family members.
Checkthis website: http://www.counsel.ufl.edu/selfHelp/dealingWithAlcohol.asp
and check AlAnon
It does sound to me like your mother is an alcoholic - a relatively controlled one at this point, in that she is able to manage most of the tasks of daily living, realizes she shouldn't drive at night (which is, from what you say, when she drinks), and is able to maintain a normal enough relationship with you that you invite her to stay with you. But that is a LOT of booze to be drinking on a daily basis. If I have my math right, your mom drank something like 30+ ounces of alcoholic beverages every day - that definitely sounds like alcholism.
Alcoholism is a very difficult thing to deal with, and you cannot make your mother stop unless she wants to stop. It is difficult and tragic, and my heart reaches out to you. You can get advice and support from AlAnon where you will find people who have BTDT. Do check them out.
Ditto everyone else. My mom was an alcoholic, so were her parents. My mom worked full time, and never drank during the day (until she retired) but she drank non stop until she went to bed. It was that way from the time I was a child until she quit drinking several years ago, when she got sick.
I could go on and on and on but it's pretty much been said above. And as Ginny said, you cannot make your mother stop unless she wants to stop.
I am just curious if she is detached? Recovering from hangovers and drinking everyday tend to numb you out and you don't really experience life. Like walking through life in a fog. Just curious if you notice it?
I would say that she is on the "liquid diet", so to speak...
If she can't live without alcohol for a sustained amount of time, and if she isn't really eating otherwise, I would say that it's a problem.
She does sound really tiny and her liver must be suffering SO much. She could really get cirrhosis of the liver. Here's a link for the signs...
Cirrhosis of the Liver
Alcohol can harm your body in so many ways - alcoholics generally end up with a certain amount of neurological damage due to the effects of long term drinking. They are often malnourished and dehydrated, though most people don't even realize that. Long term alcohol abuse causes some brain damage too, as well as digestive problems. Let's face it, long term alcohol consumption and abuse pretty much destroys your body and mind, period. And I can pretty much guarantee, a *true* alcoholic will deny all of these things to the end.
Yes Feona she is very detached. I often say that she does not live in the same world as everyone else. She just doesn't seem to get certain things if you know what I mean. Sometimes I feel like the parent, in that I have to explain things to her that are complex when discussing family issues and why people are the way they are.
It is not terribly distressing to me that she is an alcoholic, we are not close. I think that I have overcome any childhood issues I had concerning her and her choices and how they affected me and my life.
I'm certain that she will either die from lung cancer (she smokes constantly - outside at my house) and drinks constantly or liver disease.
I will never confront her about her drinking, it does not really impact my life and is none of my business and so far to-date not really my problem.
We get along well enough, meaning that we can co-exist amicably for weeks at a time. She is tuned out and I just ignore her strangeness. I know it doesn't sound like the healthiest relationship, but I gave up along time ago trying to have the mother I wanted or needed. Now I take care of myself in that regard.
I will say that she is the highest functioning alcoholic I have ever seen. While she was here she worked from 9-9 every day. She filled my freezer with food and scrubbed the grout on my kitchen floor, she cleaned the fridge, oven/stove, dishwasher both bathrooms and all the floors in our house, plus she helped care for Matt during the day. Makes me tired just thinking about it.
It's funny I grew up with my Mom and yet her problem has never really been an issue for us, however my Father is what I think of as the "Classic Alcoholic" and he has only been in my life since I was a teenager. His drinking has destroyed our relationship, we do not speak and he has difficulty with most people in his life, even though he no longer drinks it still impacts his life everyday.
Thanks to all for your support and comments, I will let my Mom have her life and not interfere as it would only hurt our relationship at this point. I want her to be able to feel comfortable and to come here and enjoy her grandchildren.
I asked DH last night "Geez both my parents are alcoholics, what are my chances?" and he said "Please, when I ask if you want a glass of wine you have to think about it"
It does give me pause for thought though and I should probably always monitor myself as many people think that it is somewhat hereditary.
Had you told your mom she couldn't drink at all during her 3 weeks with you, would she still have come?
What I noticed about the 1 alcoholic I dated was that he wouldn't go anywhere if alcohol wasn't available or even if there was the possibility that there was no alcohol.
Mommmie, that is a good point. When my mom would come to my house, she would pack her 1/2 gallon bottle of bourbon and her lemonade in a suitcase to bring with her! She would not have come if she couldn't have her *cocktails*.
Heaventree - since alcoholism will run in families, you should definitely be aware of your own alcohol consumption, and also *when* you want to drink. If you drink socially, or don't have a regular drinking *pattern*, I would say you are doing just fine.
One of my sisters had gotten in the habit of drinking a few glasses of wine each evening after work. In the past few years, she told me that when she realized it was a pattern, it scared her to death because it reminded her of what my mom always did, so she stopped doing it.
I think I've sort of gone in an extreme direction, I rarely drink at all anymore. But you are right to be conscious of your own drinking habits or desires. And I've preached this to my kids, since there is alcoholism on both sides of their family tree.
I am in no way an *alcohol nazi*, but when you have a close family member who has a drinking problem, I think you should always be aware and in particular, be conscious of *when* you drink - if you drink everytime you get upset, or have a fight with your kids or spouse, or have a bad day at work, etc., then IMO, that's a drinking problem, because then you are turning to alcohol for an escape. And when I say *you*, I am referring to anyone in general.
I dated a guy in college, for 5 years. We almost got married. His dad, who died before I met the boyfriend, was an alcoholic. It now scares me that I almost married him! He ended up dumping me, but the more time that goes by, I see he did me a HUGE favor. I'm just glad those genes aren't part of my children now!
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