I have been looking up alot of information in the last few days about dysfunctional families, bipolar, etc. I have been struggling with guilt and sadness since I made my mom leave.
I have discovered alot about myself that I really already knew, but, I am just now realizing just how much of a problem that I have.
I think that I am very codependent on my mother. Alot of the info I have found is for people that are codendent on spouses and drug/alcohol related.
I need to find out how to stop myself from being this way. I know that counseling would help. But, I need to find the right person to talk to. I went to ONE counseling session a few years ago, but, I lost patience with the guy before my hour was even up.
I have just come to realize just how much I beat myself up over stuff I can't control. My biggest concern is not passing this along to my kids. I think that I am raising them in a productive, healthy way. But, I want to be sure that I stamp this out for good.

How do you go about finding a good therapist?

By Colette on Wednesday, September 21, 2005 - 04:51 pm:

Do you have a family dr or a head of church that could give you some recommendations? You could also call your local mental health clinic and ask them for some names.

By Kim on Wednesday, September 21, 2005 - 06:58 pm:

What denomination are you? I was raised Lutheran so when we went to counseling in IL we went to Lutheran Social Services. I think the Catholic church has something similar. There are also "co" programs, I went to one when my ex was in one for sexual addiction, but I cannot remember what it was called or how we found it. I hope you find a good counselor. If I can think of anything I will let you know.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, September 21, 2005 - 07:01 pm:

Katherine, I don't know your religious orientation, but here is the web site for the American Association of Pastoral Counselors, which has counselors in most of the US. They are a highly respected organization, and they do a lot of training and double-checking on the people who are on their list. http://www.aapc.org/

Other than that, I'd look in the Yellow Pages under: Mental Health, Health Care, or Non-Profit Organizations, and see if there is a mental health advocacy or service organization in your area. They usually have lists of counselors, and often have links with programs that offer counseling on a sliding-scale "ability to pay" basis. Other than that, I'd check with your nearest major hospitals and see if they have outpatient psychiatric or family counseling programs. That's what I did when I was single-momming it with three young kids and we needed family counseling.

Yes, often the first person you go to doesn't work; so you ask for a different person or referral, and try again. It's up to you to decide whether the relationship "clicks", and you know that within the first couple of sessions. I know that Scott has been through four or five psychiatric counselors in the past 8-10 years, and it is only in the last two years that he found one who really works for/with him - and the difference in Scott is amazing. (I should say that for the first 5-6 years of counseling Scott was in denial and I don't know that any counselor would have been able to make a difference. It is only in the past few years that he has wanted to really change, and that does make a difference.)

By Happynerdmom on Wednesday, September 21, 2005 - 08:14 pm:

Katherine, I just wanted to share what I did. I realized several years ago that I also had been affected much more than I wanted to realize by my dysfunctional childhood, and that I hadn't really *truly* forgiven my mom. (My mom also had/has mental illness and my childhood was very painful at times.) The leader of the women's group that I belonged to at the time had also been through this, and gave me this book.(It's really meant to be used in a small group setting.) I read through it and did most of the exercises on my own, and we met a few times to discuss it, and talk about my own experiences.(There is something about sharing your story with someone you trust, even the parts you don't want to remember, that is healing in and of itself.) It changed my life, the way I viewed myself, my childhood, and my mom. Even if you find a therapist, I HIGHLY recommend this book. I will warn you though, going through the process, whether with a therapist or on your own, is very painful. I relived events, and feelings that I had supressed and/or denied for a long time. There was a period of about two weeks where I would cry at the drop of a hat. But this is an important step. You can't truly forgive someone until you really aknowledge how much they hurt you. This was really hard for me. But I can say I've come out the other side a new woman! I have so much more confidence in myself and no longer live in the shadow of SHAME that followed me my entire life. Sorry this is so long, just wanted to share my experience. (((((HUGS)))))

By Kym on Thursday, September 22, 2005 - 09:12 am:

I lost my mom to addiction, the guilt was overwhelming for a while, it's been 6 years. I will say what has gotten me through the guilt, grief and the sudden "remembering" of dysfunctional childhood life is getting to know myself. One of my favorite quotes is " a complete person will never hurt another", this helped me tremendously in knowing that my mom was not complete, she lived only for us kids after her divorce from my dad. She was searching for something to complete her, she was not out to hurt me, my siblings or herself, but in the end that is what happened because she just didn't know.
I no longer feel guilt about her death or the way she lived prior to, she lived the life she was meant to live, and I'll do the same. I still will fall to my knees when I realize she is gone for good, but I can appreciate all she did for me, and the things she did "to" me, I let go, again knowing it was not intentional, just life.
The book above is a great one, get it and devour it and learn from it.
Another good book is Fierce conversations, while it's mainly a business book, it incorporates conversations of all kinds that you should/need to have, written by Susan Scott.
I am against therapy in almost any scenario, unless you are looking to medicate or have mental illness. I am more the dig deep, cry, have a fit, come out w/ a clearer vision of things than I came in with.
I know your mom is living and your situation is a bit different, but if you'd like to share you story with me personally and I can give you my "growth chart" as I call it, I'd be honored.
My passion in life is for women to do exactly what you mentioned, raise these kids w/out the issues of our past biting their little behinds as well, and to raise the level of conciousness in women so that they will think and react coming from a better place inside of themselves, not to past stigmas or present stresses.
Sorry so long, I tend to ramble on this subject.
I applaud you for realizing things are spinning, and trying to get control. One more thing, to stop this spiraling, it's really a habit, develop good ones in yourself and that is what will become who you are, not your past, and that is what you will raise your kids to know.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, September 22, 2005 - 09:30 am:

Kym, I'm very glad that your reading and internal work worked for you. But I am very much in favor of counseling - because many times counseling can prevent worsening of negative feelings. I think of it as preventive medicine. A counselor is a neutral party whose only goal is to help the client get better. In my experience with counseling, most of us have our answers inside us, but a good counselor knows what questions to ask to help us find our own answers.

By Kym on Thursday, September 22, 2005 - 09:55 am:

Ginny, I am also very glad therapy has worked for you, we just come from different experiences and lifestyles, i was just wanting to offer to Katherine what has worked for someone in a similar experience. This would make an interesting debate on the debate board.

By Cat on Thursday, September 22, 2005 - 10:26 am:

The therapist that my son (and the rest of us) sees was recommended by his pdoc. Usually we find therapist that are approved by our insurance company. Also, Focus on the Family has a list of therapists that they approve (theres a long application a therapist has to fill out to be approved by them). So far, from our experience word of mouth is the best way to find a good one. Good luck, and hugs.

By Feona on Friday, September 23, 2005 - 07:00 am:

I don't have a mental illness. I have used therapy in the past to get past some personal issues. I used therapy alot when I was about 15-21. My mom is undiagnosed aspergers type person and she was an alcoholic. So I had/have issues! Got some more therapy when I was about 32 for a few months. No use in suffering and not seeing a way out.


There are many ways of hurting yourself or others and therapy is better than that. Better to go to a therapist than having an extra glass of wine or a box of donuts or make your kids miserable every nite.


If you have insurance you can get some numbers and call the ones close to you and see if you can set up a free appointment to see if you like the therapist.

By Feona on Friday, September 23, 2005 - 10:03 am:

Also there is codependants anonymous. Online and neighborhood meetings.

http://www.codependents.org/