I have a not-so-nice Uncle that did some things to me (and my brother and cousin) when I was 5 years old that are not okay by any means, if you KWIM. Since that time, I have seen him maybe 3-4 times and have cut all ties with him. I just recently found out that he has been telling everyone that I need to "Get over myself, the past is in the past" and saying everything was partially my fault. Whatever! Anyways, after reading my Grandmas Inbox (part of the immaturity on my part, lol) and witnessing what he has been saying I wrote him a nice long letter filled with all my thoughts about everything. It wasn't the greatest letter to write and present myself after not talking to him in years but boy did it feel good. I was never able to fully express my feelings about the situation. The whole time I was writing the letter I was thinking that this wasn't the most mature or the right thing to do but I just had to. I felt a big weight shift off my shoulders when I hit the "Send" button. So, theres my immature outburst. I yelled at my Uncle through email and wrote some not so nice words and I don't really care.

By Reds9298 on Monday, September 19, 2005 - 04:12 pm:

We all have to "immature" sometimes! I think he probably deserves it anyway, right? Sometimes you just have to let loose. Everyone does it, sometimes we regret it and sometimes we don't. Good for you!

By Mrsheidi on Monday, September 19, 2005 - 04:12 pm:

Ha ha ha...I guess that oughta shut him up! I just hope that you and your grandma have a good enough relationship that SHE didn't mind!

By Ilovetom on Monday, September 19, 2005 - 04:13 pm:

LOL. Did use all caps?

By My3cuties on Monday, September 19, 2005 - 04:16 pm:

Well, it sounds like he sure deserved it! haha

By Boxzgrl on Monday, September 19, 2005 - 04:23 pm:

Heidi, actually my Grandma and I don't really get along. Getting into her inbox was not with her permission ;) but I wanted to know the truth to the story. I suppose the "truth" is that she agrees with him. I havn't written my letter to her yet. I really don't know what to say except i'm glad we never had a close relationship.

By Kernkate on Monday, September 19, 2005 - 04:57 pm:

Its good you got your true feelings out to your "Uncle",
but JMHO I don't think going into your Grandma's inbox was the right thing to do.
I know I would be livid if I knew someone was in my mail, especially someone with whom I really don't get along with.
No offense just my opinion.

By Feona on Monday, September 19, 2005 - 08:07 pm:

I don't know what he did to you, but sometimes these types of people can get very vindictive.

Either sue them or ignore them is my motto.(Depending on what they did) They will lie about you behind your back. Someone has to be the liar and they try to make you the liar. They almost always believe the man too untill he dies then they believe you all of a sudden...

Anyway, glad it made you feel better and the truth is always the best. Just sometimes you better know who you are dealing with.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 07:34 am:

If I understand you, Melissa, this man abused (in some way) a 5 year old and two other very young relatives, and he thinks you should "get over it". Yeah! Well, he (a) should get over thinking he has the right to do what he wants to others with no consequences and (b) should realize that what he did was not only morally wrong, it was illegal, and he's lucky he's not in jail. And (c) the past is not the past until the victim is healed and is up to the victim to decide when it is past, and, finally (d) yeah, sure, any 5 year old girl is at fault if she is abused - RIIIGHT!! (NOT, of course)

I read recently of someone who said a 3 year old girl was "seductive" in her behavior because she hugged and kissed him.

I am not about to judge whether your action was mature or immature. I will judge that his behavior is evidence that he is still in denial about the wrongness of what he did and still trying to be controlling and in power (which is usually a big part of the motive for such behavior). If it takes finding out what he is saying and writing a strong detailed letter, I think you, the victim in all this, are entitled to do what helps you short of physical violence.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 07:38 am:

More thoughts. He abused you and your young relatives when you were five, and he is abusing or trying to abuse you now by saying how you should react to his immoral and illegal behavior, and blaming you for what happened. I think you are well within your rights to refuse to be victimized a second time.

If you could walk away from it, fine, but if you can't, that is not your fault - you did not do the things that were done. This is not, for heaven's sake, an insult to someone's cooking at a family picnic, or even one family member conning money or valuables from another. This is an evil, major life altering event and all the studies say it takes years and years for healing to take place and healing is almost never 100%.

By Mrsheidi on Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 09:18 am:

Yeah, if you were close with her, that would be difficult. I find that, even grandparents, will protect their children otherwise they will feel guilty facing the truth. I guess she just doesn't want to face it.
So sorry, Melissa. {{HUGS}}

By Boxzgrl on Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 11:00 am:

Ginny, believe me when I say I know exactly what he's trying to do. He's sick. I had a hard time through my youth with nightmares but they went away and it really has no impact on my life now. I guess I just needed to finally close that chapter in my life by finally letting his know my two cents. So, I wrote what I needed and blocked his email address so I don't have to worry about any sort of reply. My only regret is that when I was 5 I was too scared to talk to the police so he walked away a free man. If I had the chance to put him behind bars now I sure the heck would because I doubt he's changed. And to think, he wants to adopt.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 11:05 am:

Melissa, if he is trying to adopt, maybe you can think about talking either to the police or the family services agency where he lives. Clearly this man should not be unsupervised around young children.

By Kernkate on Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 11:09 am:

Great idea Ginny, I would in no way want to see this man with any child. How old is this guy now? If you don't mind me asking.

By Boxzgrl on Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 11:44 am:

If i'm guessing i'd say close to 40? I don't remember for sure. I definitely won't keep quiet if he goes through with trying to adopt. That's just sickening. I printed up all the emails where he admits what he did just in case I need it.

By Crystal915 on Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 12:06 pm:

Melissa, is there a statute of limitations on the abuse? I'd check into that, because even though it was over 15 years ago, you may still be able to do something about it. If not for you, then for ANY other children he may come in contact with.

By Juli4 on Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 12:15 pm:

My mil was abused by her father and when she was older she learned he was babysitting a little girl and talked to her mom and police and he went to jail. He got out recently and they went and put fliers all up and down his block saying he was a child abuser. Now whenever he moves they do this. My step dad was a pervert and I never really got any closure and never gave him my two cents as an adult and now I wish I did. He comitted suicide a month ago. I took that oppurtunity to let myself close that part of my life. I wish that when he died the memories did to. It doesn't seem to impact my life greatly anymore, but I find myself thinking about it more often than I want. Not dwelling on it or anything just passing through my mind. It is weird. I think that it is good that you did what you did.

By Boxzgrl on Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 12:24 pm:

You know Crystal, I just looked it up and I would have until i'm 26 to file a report. Interesting. (8 years after reaching the age of majority, which i'm guessing is after 18?)

By Jelygu on Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 12:56 pm:

Glad you got it off your chest. I agree with others though, you shouldn't let him do this to anyone else!

By Crystal915 on Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 01:20 pm:

Yes, 18 is the age of majority in most states, 21 in some. I know that with Maddie's broken leg, since it happened when she was a baby, I have 2 years to file suit, and she then has 2 years after turning 18 to do the same. (Just to give you an example, since the law gives provisions to minors.) Good luck, Melissa, with whatever you decide to do.

By Feona on Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 04:38 pm:

Wow. Usually the statue of limitations would have run out. You can always sue in civil court though.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 06:04 pm:

There are indeed special Statutes of Limitations for child abuse in some states. And the Statute can be different for criminal charges or civil law suits. Sadly, in Pennsylvania it is only 2 years after majority, or age 20 for civil law suits, even for child abuse. I say sadly because all of the civil suits against the Archdiocese have been thrown out for that reason, even when it is clear that the Archdiocese moved priests around when complaints were made, and put pressure on parents and children to not go to the police. In Philadelphia a grand jury has just finished many months work on the issue of priest abuse and the Archdiocese's complicity in concealing the abuse, and I will be very interested to read the report.

You do what you are comfortable with, Melissa, it is definitely your decision. Given your birthday (in your profile) you have some time to think about it.

By Anonymous on Tuesday, September 20, 2005 - 07:04 pm:

Melissa,I feel it was very MATURE of you to finally confrount this creep,even if it was thru email.You gave him back ownership of the abuse,and in the process,took the weight off of you.Also,please contact the needed people about him adopting a child.Some pedophiles will actually go so far as to adopt,or become a foster parent to be able to get to kids.My dh was sexually abused,as well as abused otherwise,in several foster homes.Then,he was adopted at age 5,and the adopted mother secretly abused him sexually and mentally for years.And she was a nurse,and they are a very prominant family.I'm going anon to protect his ID.

By Feona on Wednesday, September 21, 2005 - 07:01 am:

It was multipe victims too. Scary. I know it is very hard for a victim to go after this sort of person. Like paralysed because of fear and other reasons. Wouldn't let someone steal my purse but....