Has anyone been through this?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive September 2005:
Has anyone been through this?
We have a child that is getting older and becoming violent at times. I honestly am not sure what to do with him. He is saying he wants to live with his Dad. In all honesty his Dad thinks that these things are our fault... ds calls Dad and plays the victim. So I am *very* bitter and frustrated with that situation. It makes it very hard for me to let him go live with someone that is in denial about what is happening with this child.
So I guess I am wondering if anyone has ever been through this and how was it handled? Do I need to find a military school or do I need to just let him go live with the Dad who is in denial? I really dont think this is something that counseling alone is going to help. I think he needs more than we can give. We are dividing up our time with several children and it is very tough on the other children when this child is sucking the life out of us. 
Any words of advice? Honestly, I am at a point where I no longer have the patience I need for this child and I dont trust the child anymore. I am actually feeling frightened. I feel so guilty and so sad and alone.
Thanks for listening. I think it's probably going to be impossible for other Moms to understand this unless they have actually lived it. This isnt something that '123 Magic' is going to fix.
How old is he?
I also wonder how old the other children that are involved are? How far away does his father live and how often does he see him?
Is Dad an okay father? Are there any other reasons that dad shouldn't have him, besides he is denial?
He is a teenager.
How old is he, how often is he violent, what type of violence, how are you handling it now, what seems to provoke it, ages of other siblings??? Need more info.
We were typing at the same time anon. Specifically, how old? There's a lot of difference between a 13 y/o and a 17 y/o.
Does he have a school counselor you can talk to about this? They might have some free resources and/or advice.
What usually sets him off?
Is substance abuse an issue? Sorry we are hammering you for info.
He is 14. He talks to me like I am piece of dirt when I get on to him. Something very small can turn into something huge. This doesn't happen with our other children. They are able to admit that they are in the wrong and they will listen respectfully when we are correcting them. This child that I am concerned with has been diagnosed with *Conduct Disorder*. If you look that up and read about it its really depressing. Basically, it sounds like he could end up in prison one day.
Yesterday morning is my *latest* example... (i have MANY examples that I can share ugh) We were all very busy trying to get ready to leave the house. Ds chooses this time to begin picking on younger ds instead of getting ready for school. He breaks a brand new toy while taking it away from younger ds. Lots of screaming and crying took place. I became irritated go into room and begin to ask what in the world is going on and why is this happening when we are all in a pinch for time, etc... Ds then lies and says he did nothing, that younger ds is crying over nothing. (i know he is lieing because we all heard the two of them??? So now I am irritated he is lieing to me *again* over something silly) I begin to push the issue to get him to tell me truth. (in hindsight I know I should have just dropped it!!!) He is totally disrespectful in his answers to my question's. He talks to me like I am dirt in front of the other children. I cannot allow it in front of the other children but dont know what to do. For some reason I decided to walk over and pop his lips with my fingers and tell him under no circumstances is it ok to talk to me so disrespectfully!!!! Ds then flies off the couch and punches my dh in the face and busts his cheek open... My dh was in total shock because he was just standing there trying to back me up and be supportive. He wasnt the one that popped ds smart mouth. Obviously you will all say that *I* provoked him into the violence. It feels like our hands are tied. We cant spank, we cant take anything away, doesnt do any good to ground him, we cant do anything because he either calls his Dad and tells on us or he simply acts like he doesnt care what we do to him- he is going to do what he wants to do.
My dh got onto him a couple of weeks ago and ds turned around and yelled F YOU !! Again, we are in shock. We actually had company at the time so this was very embarrassing. We dont know how to handle a child like this. Dh gets mad and tells ds to go sit outside until he cools down. Ds throws an XBOX controller across the room and dh walks him out the front door. Ds sits out there for awhile and then comes back in and hangs out with his brothers like he never did anything?? Like everything is normal again. Needless to say he busted the controller and isnt allowed to use the XBOX anymore. (not that he cares)
One day a couple of months ago he was in trouble for doing something (i dont remember what now) and I told him he couldnt go anywhere. He then proceeded to walk out of the house and went to the store with his friend and had nachos and candy and came home being a smart mouth about doing what he wants to do. I cant physically stop him from going anywhere, he is bigger than me.
I dont know what to do with him. My dh restrained him yesterday morning and told him he needed to think about what he had just done and if it continued he couldnt live in our home anymore. He called his Dad and his Dad began to chew me out?? He said that we favor other kids in the home and my ds is just feeling bad. This is *not* true- I can swear to you that they all are treated the same. We buy them all things, we take them all places, we discipline them all the same (time out or loss of privelage's, etc...)
I feel like I am going to have a heart attack at a very young age. There have been many other situations like this in the last yr. Last yr he was sticking his finger down his throat at school and throwing up so he could come home. I finally told the nurse not to call me unless he had a very high fever. He pushes every button I have and I know it. Like I said in my orignal post I just dont have the patience that I need to have with this child. I feel sorry for my other children at this point. My youngest had a terrible day at school yesterday and I know it was from the bad morning. Yes, I feel responsible for that- I should have blown my oldest ds off and ignored his disrespect I guess?
I feel like the worst parent.
He needs help, you need help and your family needs help.
Get into family counciling NOW. Anyway that you can do it. Your son sounds like my older brother at that age, quite honestly I still HATE him for making my growing up a living hell. I dont know if anything could have kept my brother from the path he took and I have forgiven him and my mother to allow his behavior to continue as it did. But I still hold onto the horrible scars of abuse, sexual, emotional and physical, I still remember the thrown furniture, the holes in the walls, the trips to the er, the police showing up at the door. I still know what it is like to bail his butt out of jail when it was everybody elses fault, I still know what it feels like to be lied to, and I still know that even though I am an ok person with a dh and children that love me, he still thinks of me as dirt and how superior he is to me with his 2 duii convictions and a failed life. And I still deal with the fact that every darn time my mother chose him instead of me.
I know this post isnt about me but about you. I am trying to scare you into doing something that absolutely desperately needs to get done. I am begging you to do this for your kids including ds and yourself.
Take a deep breath, and keep repeating: this is not my fault. I am a good parent.
You have other well behaved children, if you need proof... I am concerned for you and the others living in your house. At the barest minimum, the other children may start copying his behavior because they see he gets away with things ... at worst, he could physically hurt one of them as he did your DH.
You are taking a very good first step in admitting you cannot help him any longer. Now, you need to find people who can help you. Who diagnosed him? Is that person available to you as a resource? As Heidi mentioned, can someone at school help?
Sending him to live with the Dad in denial sounds almost like punishment/revenge. What he needs is some positive changes and structure and discipline. If you cannot provide that for him, can his father? If not, then I think your idea of a school that focuses on discipline is good. Are you in a financial position to send him to a private "military" academy?
Is he in special education classes or general ed? Have you had him tested to see if he would qualify for any kind of services?
I know these are a lot of questions, but you have a very tough situation.
I can see that you love him, because if you didn't you wouldn't care what he did or where he went.
Counseling may be helpful, but I don't know. It's very hard when you have a child that doesn't seem to care about anything. I think counseling may help him to begin to care about himself, then maybe he can begin to care about others.
Anon - hugs and support. You are in a tough situation that I cannot really begin to understand. What I really hear in your post is a sense of guilt. Please don't feel gulty. Please don't feel like this is your fault. It sounds to me like you've handled each situation the best you could.
Ame
I had a friend in a similar situation. The child was about 13 then and in with a bad crows, she was so tired of the police bringing him home all the time because he'd gotten into trouble yet again, they did counseling, medication, all sorts of things but nothing helped. His father blamed her for the problems and didn't enforce her punishments, i.e. no video games for a week and then he'd go to his dad's and get to play them all he wanted.
Finally she said, fine, you want to live with your dad, go live with your dad. It was very hard for her to give him up but she felt it was the only hope for him.
He improved, not because his dad was a better parent, but because he was with the parent he CHOSE to be with. Plus it got him away from the bad crowd he was with. He joined Boy Scouts, started going to church, and decided he wanted to be a pastor of all things!!
Unfortunately, the story doesn't have a happy ending, he did end up serving jailtime as an adult and his life is a mess again, but he's an adult and those are his choices to make. His parents did the best for him that they could while he was in their charge, and that's all that you can do for your son.
What about some sort of trial period living with his dad to see if that helps anything? You're really in a difficult situation and I can't imagine how frustrated and helpless you must feel. If his father is willing to take him for awhile, I'd let him so you can step back and focus on yourself and your other children for awhile while you sort out what to do next.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
He sounds very angry. How long ago did you divorce his father? Are these half siblings with your new husband? Has this behavoir happened recently or has he always handled problems with anger/violence?
I agree with counseling. some place for him alone and together with you and your dh. I also would consider letting him live with his dad IF his dad is a good parent. Now, good parent doesn't necessarily mean handling things exactly the way you would, but one who will help your son learn how to manage his feelings better.
I think letting him live with dad sounds good. I do think you need to say to him, we don't like how you behave, we love you, but we dont' want to have to worry about who you are going to hit next. Since you want to live with dad, and dad's wants you, then lets try this out.
Some people bring out the worst in others, maybe dad and he will click better, ya never know, but unless you think dad is an unfit father, then I think that would be a good step.
{{ANON}} I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Maybe he does need the change of pace and maybe his father needs to see how his son *really* is? There's no sense in your other kids, your DH, and you suffering over his own personal decisions.
I used to teach high school and kids like these are so difficult, even in school. They want attention SO bad. Can he do extracurricular activities? Join a sport to get his aggression out? Anger managment classes might be key here. They do have them...just ask the school counselor. They might even be free.
No matter what, stay your ground though. Many parents get to the point where they take the door off to their child's room and take everything out except the mattress and a blanket. Because, if you think about it, it's YOUR house and YOU own everything in there. And, if he didn't have YOU and your DH, then that's more than what he would be getting on his own.
How are his grades/self confidence?
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO there with you right now, except mine is almost 17, girl, and just as nasty. Making a long story short, she is going to live with her dad. Her dad, who abused her when she was little. She WANTS to go there because I have rules and regs. Let him go. Let dad deal with him for a while. All kids naturally rebel in their teens and they think life is greener on the other side. There is nothing I can do to change my DD AND she passed a point of no return when she said f u and f off to me. It breaks my heart, there are special circumstances. But I have younger children to protect and model behaviour for.
Sucking the life out of you is a good way to put it. I am living this too. And no, I don't blame you for popping him on the mouth.
My d only has two choices. Change the behaviour or go live with dad. She chose dad. She is staying with a friend until he comes to get her. I refuse to ever be disrespected in my own house again!
If you need to chat privately, let me know and I will give you my email or you can request it from admin.
Hugs, prayers, be strong.
I heard having a boy live with his father is a good thing. So I would go for it.
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