My dd and three of her friends (they're sophomores in h.s.) have been planning for months to go to homecoming together, and asked me to drive them to a nearby city for supper, and to take them to the dance (we did this last year and it was a blast). Yesterday, my dd was telling another girl about their plans, and the girl said, "Oh! That sounds like fun! Can I come too?" Well, the sticky part is that the girl isn't really a good friend of any of the others (dd included), and they suspect she's only wanting to come so she can get to the dance and be with her forbidden boyfriend. I know her, and think they're probably right. But this girl also knows that my dd won't hurt anyone's feelings for the world, and is really working on her. One of the other girls absolutely hates this girl, and if she went, it would ruin the evening. I'm letting the girls handle this themselves, but I'm also concerned that the girl's mom (a friend of mine) will be calling me... I wonder what I can say to her?

By Missmudd on Thursday, September 15, 2005 - 10:13 am:

Is it possible to say not enough room in the car? If you have a small car and a larger one, make sure the larger one will be with dh for errands, or in the shop for an oil change, or...

By Crystal915 on Thursday, September 15, 2005 - 10:26 am:

I would just do what MissMudd says, have your DD tell her there isn't room. If the mom calls you, you can give her the same excuse.

By Mrsheidi on Thursday, September 15, 2005 - 10:36 am:

If her boyfriend is forbidden, why would the mother let her go in the first place?
Sorry she asked so bluntly...maybe you could say that you already pre-paid these things and that it's too late to join?

By Karen~moderator on Thursday, September 15, 2005 - 11:01 am:

Well, *if* the mother calls you, *I* would tell her that you suspect her DD wants to go for that reason.

And that being said, your DD and her 3 friends have already made their plans, and if the *not enough room in the car* thing doesn't work for you, you can always just say that they've made their plans and you're not going to make any changes to them.

Their night could easily be ruined if your DD is manipulated into saying *yes*, knowing that one of the other girls already going doesn't get along with this girl.

I agree with letting them work it out, however, I would talk to your DD about it and point out what *could* happen, and maybe help encourage her to stand up to this girl. Teenage girls are heartless and ruthless and many will stop at nothing to get their way to do what they want - and many of those are just the type that want an easy way to do something behind their parents' back.

By Dawnk777 on Thursday, September 15, 2005 - 11:11 am:

Not enough room, would work for us. We only have sedans and my dd, plus 3 friends, would be all that fits!

By Juli4 on Thursday, September 15, 2005 - 12:15 pm:

I would be the bad guy in this and say no. Just tell your daughter that she already made plans and you are not going to let her change them. Then she can go to school and say "my mom won't let me"and she doesn't have to hurt her feelings you do adn that avoids conflict between your daughter and her friends.

By Jann on Thursday, September 15, 2005 - 12:40 pm:

Yep, I would be the fall guy on this one too. My kids know they can blame me for any situtation that they need to get out of.

By Kernkate on Thursday, September 15, 2005 - 01:09 pm:

I would also just say no, sorry we have no more room in the car. If her mother does call you I would tell her what you suspect.
Why make it a bad evening for your DD and her friends especially if all the girls don't get along.
JMO

By Janet on Thursday, September 15, 2005 - 01:16 pm:

Well, the no room in the car thing won't work, because everyone knows we have an SUV. As for why her mom is letting her go when her boyfriend will be there...can you say denial?
I have often been the bad guy..and I have no real qualms about that...but I'd like to see them deal with it themselves. If it comes down to it, I will say no. There's no ifs, ands or buts...this girl coming along would totally mess up the evening. And I'm absolutely certain she'd ditch my dd and the other friends the second she walked into the dance.

By Karen~moderator on Thursday, September 15, 2005 - 01:36 pm:

Then I agree, YOU be the bad guy here. I'm all for letting them work things out on their own, it's the only way they learn, but sometimes you HAVE to step in.

By Annie2 on Thursday, September 15, 2005 - 06:54 pm:

Janet, I agree in the way your are handling this. It is exactly what I would do. I also like to make sure, if possible, that girls go places/sleepeovers, in an even number group.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, September 15, 2005 - 08:44 pm:

That's what moms are for - to be the bad guy. It sounds to me like you need to step in. You have one INVITED guest who absolutely can't stand the girl who invited herself, the uninvited girl is not really friends with your dd or any of the invited guests, and you have strong doubts about the uninvited girl's motives. To me that spells three strong reasons to step in and say no. One of the reasons you are driving the girls to this event is to be an adult presence - a chaperone. You will have more than enough on your hands with girls you know and like and trust, without adding in a girl whom you don't know well and already distrust.

That the girl's mother is a friend does make it a bit more difficult. But you can say that this trip has been planned for a long time and you really don't want to add another person to it. That you value her as a friend, but in this case it is the girls' friendships that matter and her dd is not really part of this group.

By Janet on Friday, September 16, 2005 - 12:39 pm:

Well, it's resolved. My dd said that one of her friends' dad actually talked to the uninvited girl's mom (why, I don't know) and the univited girl came to dd and said she felt there was a problem with her coming, so she wasn't going to. My dd felt awful, saying the girl was upset and dd hates to hurt anyone's feelings. But then the girl went out and found a date, so there you go. I don't know if it was handled right... I guess I didn't initiate a lesson in compassion... but I'm glad it's over.