What would you do if your son said he didn't want to live with you anymore?
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What would you do if your son said he didn't want to live with you anymore?
What would you do if your son said he didn't want to live with you anymore?
I am desperately sad and don't know what to do.
My son, who is 8, usually keeps busy playing with the neighborhood friends. Whenever there arent' any friends available to play with, he gets moody, whiny, and bored. We are moving, and I have been very busy with cleaning and packing.
So this week I have been especially busy with packing, and he had no one to play with yesterday (holiday weekend and we are the only ones who stayed home) so he was trying to get my attention. Since I am facing a deadline here, I said that he needs to let me work on the packing so we can move. I was careful not to say "I don't want you in my way!" I know that would be really hurtful.
So he continued to bother me for every other little thing he could come up with. Like this one friend who never answers the phone. (I don't know why they even bother to have a phone- they NEVER answer it!) Example, one time, this friend was over at my house b/c his mom had an appt, so I said he could stay as long as he wanted. Around the time she said she would probably be back, he (the friend) called home and his mother never answered. So the friend says to me, "Can we just go and see if she's home cuz sometimes she never answers the phone even if she is home." So, we drove the mile and 1/2 to his house and sure enough, she was home, so I dropped him off.
Well, this friend has been busy all summer long, and now that school is started, he is more available. So, last Thursday my ds calls over there, and there's no answer. So what do you think he wants me to do? You got it. So we drive over there (me in my grubby clothes and unwashed hair) and no one was home. Argh!
So, it happened that one other neighbor boy was home later that evening, so he went to play with that kid and I finally got some work done. Then ds calls me and asks me if he can LIVE there with this other friend. I said no, and he persisted. So we talked about it when he got home, and he said that this friend has lots of cool stuff, like a big screen TV. Well, I explained to him that there were more important things to consider than stuff, like who's gonna be there when you're scared? Who's gonna kiss your owies? Who's gonna hug you when you're sad? Are they gonna do that stuff for you just like mommy can?
I also put him on a guilt trip, cuz I have been trying to explain to him that he needs to be considerate of other people's feelings. Example, earlier this month, I caught him talking bad about one of his friends behind his back to another friend. Admittedly, the friend he bad-mouthed can be annoying at times, but he's basically a good kid. We'd just taken this friend to a baseball game and had lots of fun. So then he says to his other friends, "[insert friend's name] SUCKS!" When I confronted him about it, all he said was, "Well, he does!" So I grounded him b/c I needed time to straighten out his attitude without all of his friends distracting him. I worked really hard with him all week long. I explained to him that he will lose friends if he talks badly about them when they aren't around. And he needs to THINK about how what he says and does affects other people.
Then he does this begging to LIVE elsewhere. Well, I explained to him that it hurt my feelings to know that he doesn't want to live with me anymore.
Today he finally got hold of his one friend on the phone, and we drove over to his house so that he could play for a couple of hours and I came home to pack some more. After I brought him back home, he asked if he could live at THIS friend's house!
Well, I flipped out and said, "FINE! Here's your suitcase! Pack your s*it!"
I turned the tables on him in a big way. I told him I would rather he live somewhere else. MAJOR guilt trip here, but I got carried away with it b/c it REALLY DID HURT!!!! I cried and cried and cried. I couldn't believe my baby was saying this to me.
He also cried desperately when he realized I might really be serious. We are talking major drama. He begged me to forgive him and to keep him. I let him sweat it out for a while, and finally we sat down and talked about it. I reassured him in the end that I would keep him, and he was real lovey with me for a long time after that.
If this ever happens again, what on earth will I do?
I know the moms here are going to have some really great advice for you. I am still new at all this, (my daughter is only three) but I had some thoughts about your little guy as I was reading.
You mention you are in the process of packing for a move. Are you moving away from the area you are presently living? Will your son need to make new friends, start a new school? If so, have you asked him how he feels about all these changes?
I ask because my family moved a lot when I was young. I know some children handle transition better than others, I was not one of them! I was inwardly anxious about moving, and often acted out as a result. The fact that he is seemingly hampering your attempt to pack makes me wonder if it's his way of saying he's uneasy about the changes that are about to take place.
As far as guilt trips with children, I would avoid them. I feel such an approach may give the desired results, but at a big price. I won't say more, because I know there will be some great advice to follow.
Perhaps a heart to heart with your son about his feelings would make all the difference.
Hang in there. I imagine this is a pretty stressful time for you, too!
He's angry at you cause you are moving and lashed out. That's perfectly normal. I have packed each of my kids' bags when they have threatened to run away because they were angry over something I did. You've each had a blow up, now is the time to sit and talk calmly about how each of you are feeling, your fears and excitment about this move.
I have been thru this with 4 kids, I will respond in detail later today.
My thought is you need to get your son in counseling and you may want to read some parenting books. I am not trying to sound harsh, but I think raising an only can be very challenging and it doesn't sound like things are going well. He is walking all over you and that has to stop. Honestly if my 9 year old were to go off about me driving him to see if a friend is home, I just can't imagine me doing that. We have lots to do, plenty of toys and heck more than enough work. We don't whine in my house without punishment. If you are bored and tell me I get you busy, they unload the dishwasher, sweep floors, pull weeds etc. Friends are great and fun, but only in a healthy dose. Family should come first and he is wrong for treating you that way. Yes moving is hard, but that isn't an option to change now, so as a family you all have to work together. Anyway, the point I am trying to make is this isn't working for you and you need to do something to change it. It sounds like you are more worried about that he said he wants to live with someone else. I don't see that as the big problem here. Your 8 year shouldn't be able to hurt your feelings that bad without some other underlying issues. I have also heard I wish I could live with so and so he has the coolest stuff, my response, me too, maybe his mom would cook all my meals and clean up after me  I don't think it is all about attention.
Today dh got ds involved in helping out. I guess I really did get carried away yesterday, and I wish it hadn't happened.
I remember on Dr. Phil he had a guest who was so selfish that she didn't want her dd to go to college b/c she was going to miss her so much. Even Robin said that she understands and that when Jordan goes to college this fall, she will miss him terribly, but she realizes that she is really sad only for herself.
So I was probably being selfish when I reacted the way I did when ds said he wanted to live with his friends. I am stressed, and tired, and I was cleaning out the attic, which is hot, and I just wanted to be left alone, to be honest. I had absolutely no patience left.
I also just wish I could get him to consider the impact of his actions on other people beforehand. I guess it might be a bit early for that yet. My neighbor said that his attitude probably comes from trying to be cool and accepted, or some macho thing like that.
Anon, first, I don't think you were "selfish" when you reacted the way you did when your ds said he wanted to live with his friends. Rejected, hurt, yes. Selfish, no. I don't think so. I think you were frazzled from all the packing, frustrated that he had done this to you the second time in a few days, and you had been through all the discussions and explanations already (as I read your first post). Yes, he is only 8. And yes, he is trying to be "cool" (which is a parent's nightmare, imo). And yes, his friends' houses had more things and less aggravation from a busy, frazzled mom packing to move. Frankly, even at 8, I don't think that's a good excuse.
Personally, I don't see anything wrong with giving kids a bit of a guilt trip some times. When they do something wrong or hurtful, they should feel ashamed and guilty. Feeling guilty is that inner voice that says "I've done something wrong", even if no authority figure or outsider knows about it or catches you. Guilt - feeling guilty when you've done something wrong or hurtful, is part of the development of morality.
I've gone back and re-read your first post several times, trying to get the picture. And the picture I get is an 8 year old boy who needs to learn that he has some responsibility for his self and his entertainment, and that he shouldn't and can't expect to have mom entertain him if he doesn't have any friends to play with. Here's what you describe:
Whenever there arent' any friends available to play with, he gets moody, whiny, and bored." The first time he says he wants to live with his friend, it is because "this friend has lots of cool stuff, like a big screen TV." Yes, kids that age are more attuned to toys than the intangibles of family, relationships, etc. But a lot of kids this age are much better at entertaining themselves and not whining and begging.
I suggest that if you are feeling so guilty that you have to do something about it, you tell your son that you were tired and having a bad day and over-reacted when he asked, for the second time, if he could live with a friend, and you are apologizing to him. But that he has to understand that (a) he is not going to go live with someone else and that is final and not open to discussion, and (b) when he says something like that he is saying something that is very hurtful to you and he should know that it is hurtful and not nice.
I respectfully suggest, however, that grounding him for what sounds like a week and "working with him on his attitude" for that week because he said his friend sucks is an over-reaction. Yes, he shouldn't have said it. And yes, you should call him on it and there should be some penalty - preferably an escalating penalty that builds up with each repeat offense. And you should try to get him to put himself in the other kid's shoes. Like, how would you feel if your friend Johnny told you that your friend Timmy said you suck? But at 8, this is a hard lesson to learn and I do think a week is a bit much.
I disagree with Kaye about counseling, though generally I am in favor of counseling. I do agree that reading some parenting books and getting some parenting advice if you can find it is a good idea. And I also agree that if your child comes to you and says he is bored, your reaction should be, "good, there are some things that need doing and you can go do them", as Kaye suggests.
And while he is your only child, he needs to learn that he is not the center of the universe and even, many times, not the center of your universe. Kids who think the world revolves around them often turn out to be very unhappy people when they get into their teens and adult life, because life has a way of disillusioning them with some pretty hard knocks. He needs to learn that lesson, so that he doesn't become more obnoxious and start not being able to have friends because others won't buy into his notion of his importance. (My middle son wanted everyone to buy into that notion, and one of the many reasons I value my dear dil is that she makes sure he knows that he ISN'T the center of the universe, something he still needs to be reminded about.)
I completely agree with Ginny! Great advice.
Well said Ginny.
ginny said it so well
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