I need help or suggestions please.......
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive August 2005:
I need help or suggestions please.......
I have a beautiful twelve yr old daughter, (almost 13). She is a sweetheart, loves animals, wants to be a vet when she grows up. She is in the choir, loves to play in the creek etc... My heart aches for her because she really doesn't have any friends, and she tries so hard. She says that she goes over to someone to try and make friends and they just turn away and ignore her. She wanted to totally make herself over into a new person, (her words) so that she would be popular. Everything just had to be perfect. My dd is almost thirteen an is still a little girl in her heart, she says that the kids on the bus curse, and smoke before school and she isn't like that, last year they gave the bus driver a hard time and dd just sits there and ignores them. I asked if there were any new kids that she's noticed, ( we live near a military base) and she says that there was one, a boy. She has one girl in her grade (7th) that she was friends with from last year, I suggested that she ask her friend to introduce her to "her" friends and she said that they don't like her. I guess what I think is she is not maturing as quickly as alot of them are, how can I explain this, acting older than they really are.... She thinks that alot of things are gross and she doesn't think she should do things that she shouldn't, I am grateful for that but I guess in the adolesant world she isn't what you call cool. Or whatever their calling it these days. We are currently going to counseling, so far the counseler has told me two things I already know, this is how kids are when you get at this age, and we need to help her develop a thicker skin.. It seems to me that some parents, not all, but some are so concerned with making sure their kids have everything, the clothes, the makeup, everything just so and they do this from a very early age, I'm all about wanting my children to have everything that I can give them but their are limits, and they don't teach their children to be kind to others, that was one of the first lessons that I taught my children, how can you "not" know that your child is a bully or is putting on airs?? I mean come on. And at this age you can't go into the school and say " Missy" was mean to my dd and wouldn't let her play on the swings. And we talk to the child how it's important it is to be nice to your neighbor because we all have feelings sort of thing, we are past that. They have clubs in school that she could join but she says she's given up trying, and school has only been in session for a week, I know it's early but we went through this all last year too! This just makes me want to scream, and cry at the same time, I try to keep her clothed in stylish clothes, get her everything she needs, but there have to be limits, you can't always keep up with the joneses!! I'd gladly do anything to make her happy, but I don't know what to do. Well, I've been rambling here, I told her that there has to be other children that are shy that she can meet and get along with. Anyone with suggestions?? This is living my life all over again, I hate to see this happen to my dd. I am open to anything.
bump.
Gosh, I have no suggestions for you. I didn't go through this and luckily, my dd has always made friends pretty easily. I do want to give you both a big hug though, it has to be so hard on your dd and I can only imagion the pain it causes you, the mom, to see her so down on herself. I would day that joining a club o something that interests her might get her around some girls with similar interests. Has she even tried 4-H or anything like that? With her love of animals, that would be a good fit for her. Hugs to you both.
Try to get her involved in an activity outside of school- so it will be different kids. Church Youth group, a sport? Does she play an instrument? Maybe the band? Look for a class that she is interested in outside of school and try that. I am sorry she is dealing with this! It is such a hard time in life. Just make sure she knows how amazing it is to be an individual and how proud you are of her for her good judgment and character! Your support will mean alot! Best of luck- I hope it gets better!
I have a 12 year DD too.She will be in 7th grade this year.She has experienced everything that your dd has also.
It is so hard.I have tried to ask her not to be so sensitive to what other girls say and she takes everything to heart.
I have discussed puberty with her and the hormone`s girls her age experience and told her that hormones effect peoples behaviour.
american girl has some good books that talk about this sort of thing and I have bought them for her.Last year was a bad year for her too.
She starts school again on the 30th.
The only thing that I am sort of releived about is the (leader ???) or queen is what I call her of the group of girls she hung out with last year will be in a different house this year so they will only have lunch together and no classes.
Last year this queen would pick one girl out of the group and verbally torment her until for months until the girl would cry and she would get the other girls to side with her.
Like say tina would be talking to lauren and tina would laugh at something lauren had said ,well the queen would comment to the whole group that tina is laughing at lauren not at her joke and twist the whole story around.
My dd described it as like being attacked by a dog and not letting up.
She said she would never let up on her,if she ignored her she would just follow her and pick at her until she got a reaction.In her class rooms in the bathroom in the hall in the lunch room.
I was very very close to telling my dd just to smack her a good one,I am glad I didn`t because violence does not solve anything and that is what we teach our kids.
Then school got out too.
I read some books too on the subject and that helped.
Other parents I have spoke with said middle school is the absolute worst ever for girls with the hormones and everything..
HighSchool is so much better they said.
I hope so.My dd is in dance and music lessons after school and I think that helps too.
Girls can be sooooo mean.
Good luck to you and your dd ,I know what your going through.
I read this book called "Please stop laughing at me..".by Jodee Blanco
It was very good and it`s about school bullying.
The author was bullied all through school and it`s her story and about her high school reunion.A good read.
also lists organizations and resources
I have a dd who is almost 12. Things sound similar to what we have been through. First this probably isn't new. My dd has always been a bit outcast. I am not sure why, but I do know that ultimately she really suffered from low self esteem. We dealt with eating problems when she was 9 and 10 due to it. So what did we do. First, counseling, more than anything it helped her to know that someone liked her. Also we did a lot of role playing. We talked about picking good friends, she tended to want to suddenly be with the in girls and they were mean and then move on to the girls who had no friends and were very different culturally. So we talked about what she wanted in a friend, how to find one, how to be a good friend. It has not been easy. This school year has been the best for her, she switched schools and things got better. We have two big social items though. CHURCH! Girls have to be nice there  And Girl Scouts (i am the leader, so they have to be nice there too). She still doesn't have that one best friend, but she is slowly being invited to play with others, making better choices. I think they get in a cycle of not going anywhere, then acting funny when they happen to be with the girls, I know my dd got way to clingy. We really have talked about boundries and reasonable expectations. And I have to do my part. Every invite she gets we have to reciprocate in like form, quickly. Last weekend she went to a pizza fun place with a friend, so this coming weekend we will invite that friend to stay with us. I know this is common sense, but I guess I had to take my share of the blame, she didn't get to be awkward socially because I had just great skills Hope this helps some.
Wow, my kids have been lucky to find friends and not be picked on by other people. They don't like the kids who act like they are better than everybody else. There was a group like this in my 13yo's 5th grade class and she couldn't stand them, and didn't hang out with them. They aren't in her current school. My kids aren't into makeup, at all. It's probably just as well.
You can't change for anyone so I would forget about that idea. That won't do anything but give her a eatting disorder.
Lets see. I would just encourage her to join clubs she would enjoy. But I would join for the activity not to make friends. She will naturally make friends. Or have her learn a skill... anything... she wants. I made friends playing the flute in band. (not a social activity either)
3 of us would play flute at lunch in the music room.
I even made friends in swimming... Not a social activity. We would walk home together and call each other on the phone.
I used to enjoy running. (now walking) See if any of her aquaintances would enjoy running or walking or biking or exercising with her. At like 14 I used to like to exercise with my friends.
There are plenty of kids like her she just had to find like-minded people. Notice I only like solitary activities...
The girl scouts sounds like so much fun.
I always try to look for people who aren't included in the clique. Look for the people no one else is talking to or who are standing by themselves. They are usually amazing people. Just alittle shy or just not clique people or alittle different in some way (just like me ). Some people when they aren't in groups have the most amazing personalities but shy as a clam in a group. (they seem boring in a group but one on one their personality shines.) These are the kind of people that make loyal friends. Not I like you one minute I don't like you the next people.
I think shyness or not being popular builds a personality depth and an appreciation for true friendship and an appreciation for people who are on the same wave length and I prefer people who aren't popular. I have more in common with them. If you get things too easy it doesn't mean anything when you get it.
Also to try to get into the habit of calling people when you are going to do something. Not make it a big deal or care if they come or not. Hey, I am going for a walk - want to come? Even if you want to walk by yourself. It is fun to walk with someone else once a week or more. Take a change and ask someone to join you in an activity even if you think you would enjoy it better by yourself. It is a habit. Friends spend time with each other. You can't have a friend without knowing someone.
Don't get hurt feelings if someone says no. Maybe you aren't their cup of tea - maybe they are too busy - maybe they did you a favor not coming. Hurt feelings or nervousness are a waste of time.
She sounds like she hasn't met people she likes. She doesn't have anything in common with loud mouths and rude teens.
Band! Lots of shy kids there and they seem to stick together.
Lots of good suggestions above! I'm so sorry your DD is going through this, and as a mom, it hurts you to see this happening to her.
{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}
Bless her heart, your daughter sounds like a real sweetheart.
Feona, I really liked your last paragraph and agree wholeheartedly. I was not popular in school growing up, very shy with low self esteem. But, I learned so much from that experience, and I think it has made me a more genuine person.
I feel for your daughter. I wish I had some advice! My little daughter is still too young, but I know it will be so hard if she goes through the same later on. The thing that helped me when I was older (16) was getting a part time job on the weekends. I actually had an easier time making friends with the people I worked with who were also my peers. Is there a way your daughter can get involved in a project, either at school or in the community where she might be able to interact and work with others her age? A local play, or a fund raiser? Maybe even something to help with the local animal shelter, since she loves animals? The shelter in our area has many teenagers who help out walking dogs and spending time cuddling with the cats. Just thinking out loud here...the others have really good advice. I just feel for both you and your daughter. Even though it's so hard to see her go through this, she may learn much from this time, and she knows she has your love and support! I'll bet she will make a wonderful, caring vet!
Hugs to you both.
Nicki
It's safe to say that everyone is picked on at some point in their lives for SOMETHING. Even the rich and famous feel insecure about something...Nicole Kidman wants Angelina Jolie's curves, but isn't Nicole Kidman SO beautiful?
Yes, joining sports and clubs are VERY helpful and *critical* to her self esteem. Not only did most of my friends stem from these things, but they were the *right* kind of friends. Kids who were involved in extracurricular things and weren't in trouble often.
Her self esteem is at risk and it's great that you're going in for counseling. And, if bullying becomes too much for you and the principal doesn't do anything...make sure you go to the school board. That nips EVERYTHING in the bud.
No one would EVER want to repeat the middle school years, right? So, not only developing a thick skin, but think of non-violent comebacks or just straight ignoring. It takes practice.
When I was in middle school, I was harrassed by older girls because I got the lead in the play, or I was picked as captain of the cheerleading squad. It even happens to the "popular" crowd.
Their sights are set on the "here and now"...try to get her to lift her horizon by setting long range goals and getting her to think beyond today. Also, divulging some of this information to her teacher (privately) will help. Tell her the severity of it and that you're going to counseling for it. That way, she can keep an eye out for her and also help her with groups that she puts her in.
And, tell her, most bullies won't have friends after a while...they bully so many people that most don't want to be friends with them anyway. Most bullies "peak" in grade school because they're so busy "bullying" and trying to make others feel worse that they often forget about themselves and *their* future. Their self esteem is in words, not actions. They're only hurting themselves.
What *really* gets me is that the ones who are being hurtful go home and not think anything of it and go about their day as if nothing happened...meanwhile, the one that got hurt can't stop thinking about it...so, who is letting who "win"?
Ladies,
thank you so much for your kind words and support. Also the advice that you gave, someone mentioned the 4h club, I'm going to look into that as soon as I can, as far as music goes, she is in the choir, she has tried different instruments but never found one that she really liked. I've tried sports with her in the past and she is afraid that she won't do well so she refuses to get involved. I know that doesn't help but she is so like I was, always picked last at PE for games etc... I don't know why it is that kids are like the way they are, I told my dd that if she gives up she is letting the others have the upper hand, she is letting them win... I've thought if i could find a ceramics class that she and I could join we could do that together. She just came home and she told me that the school is starting to post the clubs, I think student council and school secretary
helper, I hope that it gets better. It has helped me in listening to your stories and suggestions, thanks to all of you. I will keep posting her progress and I'm going to check into the 4h and ceramics class so that she and i would have something to do together.
Thanks to all of you.
yeah, I was one of those "picked last" people, too. It doesn't make you want to get involved with sports! LOL! I enjoyed band, though.
Hugs go out to all of you moms and your beautiful dd's. My middle ds had similar issues which does affect self image and worth. It's a shame.
But I found out at my HS 10 year reunion that a girl who was very pretty, popular, sweet, and captain of the cheerleading squad never had a date in HS or college. She said she didn't have her first real date until after college and was working. She said she never figured out why. But one guy, and he was nice looking and popular in his own right, said he was intimidated by her b/c she was so pretty, etc.
That was just weird to me b/c I always thought she was the girl who had everything.
Wow, that's weird! I may have been picked last for stuff and didn't make the pompom squad the one time I tried out, but I did have boyfriends in high school (although, never for homecoming or prom!)
Wow, Can I just say congratulations on raising a girl who is willing to stand by her principles and do the right thing, even though it is not the easiest path for her?
It must be so hard to watch your dd go through this, I would agree that finding groups outside of school might be a good solution. I just wanted you to know that clearly you are doing a great job parenting in very dificult times.
Thank you so much for that compliment I appreciate it more than you know. I am so proud of her, she could easily take the other road, but she chooses to do the right thing and not get in trouble. It is very hard and makes me so sad, but we are going to try and that's we're focusing on now. I just recently started working again and i work school hours and i'm off during the weekends and evenings, I get plenty of time to be there for her. So we are going to try and do something together, she loved doing ceramics with her grandmother so I thought if we could find something like that,it would be nice to do together...
That sounds like a good plan!! Does she have any cousins nearby? Were you able to look into 4H for her yet?
Make sure you tell her teacher...that will REALLY help. As a teacher, if I knew that information, I would try to match her up with friendly and kind kids. It's not always easy, but it helps!!
And, not to sound pushy at all...but, would a makeover help her "outside" to reflect the "inside"? She sounds like such a wonderful girl...I just wish they would give her a chance!! Sometimes that is an extra confidence booster, especially at that age.
|
Members
