Are you still sexually attracted to your spouse?
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Are you still sexually attracted to your spouse?
Im posting Anon because Im simply not always comfortable talking about sex issues on the internet? Are you still sexually attracted to your spouse? I know its possible to still have sex, but not have to be sexually attracted. I mean I hear it all the time women having sex, just so the husband wont bug them anymore. Im talking about that I hear it from my friends etc.
We dont have sex nearly as much as when we were dating or in the early years of our marriage. I really think for me its because Im really not "in love" anymore. We are both overweight, and always have been, so thats not the problem. The other day I was putting clothes away, and my husband had come home from work(kids were napping), and he was in the process of changing out of his work clothes. Its been hot here. So he was just laying on the bed watching tv for a few minutes in his underwear. I knew what he was thinking, kids are napping, it must be a good time to have sex. He didnt say a word, but after several years, I know what he is thinking. I just looked at him, and I just was like ick, I do not want to have sex with you. I guess Im not sexually attractd to him anymore. Its not that he has changed, its just that I have changed. Im no beauty queen myself. This post isnt about looks.
Yes, we have some problems in our marriage. In all honesty, I do not want to have sex with him at all. I actually dont want to have sex with anybody.
So it made me think, are you all still sexually attracted to your spouse?
Nope...not one bit. We're only in our early 30s and the last time we had sex must've been almost a year ago. Of course, it's not that I don't want to have sex...just not with him. And he never takes any initiative to have it with me, so whatever.
I am, but I have to say, there is an ebb and flow in this aspect, as in any other, of my relationship. I'm certainly no beauty queen, and DH is not what most people would consider the world's best looking man.
But for me, sexual attraction is more than physical attraction - physical attributes are not the main thing that makes a person sexy - at least not for me.
We laugh and joke a lot, even about sex, and we are both very open about sex, and not very inhibited with each other, even after we have both gained weight or gained what I call *the sag*. We don't have sex as often as we used to, but when we do, it seems to get better - quality over quantity.
I feel sad for both of you. But I understand how you can get to a point in a relationship/marriage where you aren't interested in each other sexually, have no desire or attraction, etc.
That happened with my X - towards the end of our marriage we went almost two years without any sexual contact between US - but he was getting it elsewhere. The point I'm trying to make though, is our lack of interest stemmed from other unresolved issues in our marriage.
Anon #1 - why do you say you are not *in love* with your DH anymore? Are you really not in love, or have you just settled into such a routine and grown apart, that you just feel that way now?
Anon #2 - why is it you don't want sex with your DH? Is there someone else you would want sex with, if you could?
I'm not preaching or judging, so please don't take this the wrong way.
But I've had a previous bad marriage, and in hindsight I can see the signs which led up to the demise of our sexual relationship. Obviously, when you are married, you fall into a life routine, and those initial sparks and eagerness to constantly have sex with your spouse diminish. But sexual intimacy is an important part of marriage, and it actually does bring you closer to each other.
Another thing is, changes in hormone levels will certainly affect your desire for sex, as will depression. So if you have NO desire for sex at all, maybe it's time to see a doctor to rule out a physical problem, or deal with a relationship or emotional issue.
I hope both of you can change this in your marriages - if you want to stay married, then I think it's worth working on. It won't change overnight, but if you are willing to work on it, you might be pleasantly surprised.
Ok I am going to go out on a limb here and tell you that I cannot stand to KISS my dh. His breath smells wierd and he doesnt kiss good.  He does this wierd thing with his tongue and it well, its just gross. I am not into sex at all right now either.
Good luck!
Sorry, I can't say that is the issue here, but it has slowed down, after having a child.
Marriage takes work...you work on yourself first though.
I've made it a point to make sure I work out almost every day, put the time and effort to putting on makeup, keep the house clean, have my own hobbies, and give him his space at the same time.
We don't lead separate lives, but it's nice that he does the same for me.
What's going on on the inside, truly shows on the outside.
BTW...making an effort is contagious....
IMO, sexual attraction is a byproduct of a loving relationship. You know how if you like a person, (I'm talking in general here, not spouse) you overlook the little things that can be annoying, but if you don't like a person, every little thing they do annoys you? Same with a spouse. If you are not getting along for whatever reason, every little thing they do builds up resentment, and you become hypercritical of EVERYTHING. And of course it's going to be very hard to find them attractive. Karen is absolutely right...when you've been married long enough, (dh and I have 18 years under our belts) you realize that the natural order of everything is an ebb and flow. You can't freak out when your relationship ebbs. I think that is a result of our society trying to over-analyze everything! For dh and I, our relationship is built on a solid friendship. That is a constant. The romantic love, the sexy love, ebbs and flows. If you don't have that friendship, you're on shaky ground, IMO. Love matures, but unfortunately many people don't get to that mature love. It's too bad, because it's wonderful, and it keeps getting better. I'm probably rambling now, lol, I guess I don't have a lot of advice except to work on your friendship. Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. If you are loving, life-partners, the sexual attraction usually takes care of itself. (Of course, as Karen said, there are also hormone issues if lack of desire is your only problem, but it sounds like more to me.) Good luck. A good marriage is worth the effort.
I never have really been. I married him for a slew of reasons, but his looks are not one of them. I do love him, we do have sex often. Once I get into the act I enjoy it, but it takes sometime to get into it. If you have been attracted and you are not now, then you need to get to work on saving your marriage. Sex is only a small part of marriage when all is well, but when it isn't happening at all it is a HUGE part.
I hate sex. I dread it. I do it when he brings it up, but I have never liked it. I don't like kissing either. And I too feel like I've fallen out of love with my husband, which disturbs me to no end, but I go through the motions and hope the feelings will eventually return.
For dh and I, our relationship is built on a solid friendship. That is a constant.
Sex is only a small part of marriage when all is well, but when it isn't happening at all it is a HUGE part.
BOTH very true statements!
Last Anon - is there a reason you have never liked sex and dread it?? Does your DH know how you feel about it? Have the two of you tried to make this better for you, together?
I feel like my dh and I are more like room mates. He does want sex and would be thrilled to get it all the time. I am just never in the mood. I am not sure if i would be in the mood with anyone else either (not that i would ever do that). I am not sexually attracted to him. when we were dating, when he walked into the room i would smile and just want to jump his bones LOL i guess those young hormones are gone now. Because now I think "please don't sit next to me and want to kiss or anything". He too is not the best kisser and does not have good breath at all.
It really saddens me. I still love him and would not want to be married to anyone else. I guess that fire is just gone.
Im Anon #1, thanks for everybodys input on this matter. I know I could get some good advice. The bad part is that I really dont want to try. I know this is my problem not my spouse's problem. Im unhappy about myself, and I know that can carry on to all aspects of my life. Its just not one thing. We are 2 different people, leading 2 separate lifes. It doesnt matter how many times I tell my spouse this, nothing changes.
What I'm reading is that most of you feel you've lost the desire/fire, or don't like sex or aren't attracted to your DH's at all. Several of you have mentioned breath.
Did you know that bad breath can be a symptom of illness? It could be as minor as a cold or sinus infection or caused by certain vitamins/supplements or seasonings, or it could be gum disease, and if that's the case, it should be addressed, because gum disease has a direct correlation to heart disease.
This thread is making me feel fortunate that I have what I do in that area. Don't get me wrong, I am turning 50 next month, I am going through menopause and my libido is not what it was 7 years ago. The frequency for us has diminished quite a bit compared to what it was like in the beginning. But we both still have the desire, and when we do, it's wonderful. But there were serious problems in the sexual arena of my first marriage, and I am determined to not let that happen in this one.
I am feeling sad for many of you, not experiencing this intimacy in your marriages is causing you to miss out on something very fulfilling, emotionally moreso than physically. I wish I had some great words here for all of you. Sexual attraction is affected by so many different factors in daily life.
I would hope that if each of you could spend some time reconnecting with your DH's, and spend some time just having fun and laughing and cuddling - WITHOUT the expectation of sex at that time - that you could recapture some of what you've lost.
Yes, definitely! Not that we have sex that often, but when we couldn't, while we were in Niagara Falls, it was driving us nuts! Now that we could, but are back into our responsibilities again, it's not happening because of stress, fatigue, and time pressures.
I'm anon #2. I've been unhappy in marriage for a few years now. It's nothing dh did really...I guess I just never loved him the way I was supposed to. It's my second marriage and honestly, I saw opportunity & security in him. I've told him that I want a divorce, but he thinks I'm delusional. I just want to be happy again...I'd give anything for that. And about the sex, I'm just not attracted to him. Was I ever? I thought I was. Who knows, maybe I wasn't. But now he constantly works, is always tired and doesn't seem too interested in having sex with me. I've accepted it this long, but like I said, I want out.
anonymous 2 what would it take for you to be happy. YOu weren't happy with husband #1 and now for no real reason except that you just don't "feel" it. I mean the spark you feel at the beginning changes and matures and you have to work at keeping connected. You have to make time to talk and be affectionate. You don't have to "feel" like it all the time, but you sometimes have to do the things that it takes to keep your both communicating and interested in eachother. DOn't think that these things will be fixed in the next relationship because chances are even greater that it won't work out either. It will only get better when you stop being a victim and do something about it. Start putting effort into it and stop being so resigned where you are at. I don't know the details of you or your dh so I am just responding to your posts. No one can make you happy. You make yourself happy and then you can be happy with someone. Stop waiting on someone else to do it. You can't control what anyone else does, but you can control what you do and think and sitting around thinking about how bad things are won't make them any better. If you divorce you won't be any happier in the next relationship.
anonymous #1 if you don't want to try then why do you want advice? I mean you care about him at least and he is obviously still trying if he is willing to sit with you and try to kiss you and such even after being rejected all the time. And those "young hormones" wasn't all hormones. It was probably because you both were spending a lot of time together and he was doing the things that make you feel loved and special and naturally you wanted to return the feelings and enjoyment and have sex. Now I would venture that he isn't doing the things that you need him to do and you feel resentful and withhold sex
That is what tends to happen anyways. Telling him how different you are won't help anything. Telling him what he can do to help the relationship get better (be specific) and then hium telling you and you all coming to a compromise and putting time and effort into it is the only thing that will improve things. If you are not happy with yourself then you are the only one that can change that and just take it one day at a time and make small changes. It is not out of your control. You can do it
Anon #2 again. Actually, I was happy with my first husband. There were rare and extenuating circumstances regarding our divorce. I was basically forced to get it. But that's in the past, so I don't dwell on it.
For my second husband...that's just the thing. That special spark was never there. Why did I marry him? I had my own reasons, but it wasn't because I was head over heels in love. Maybe it was a mistake, but now I want to correct it. I do plan on getting a divorce...not sure when, but that is what will make me happy. I'm not interested in another real relationship at this point and I certainly have no interest in getting married again.
Im the original poster of this Anon#1. I didnt really write this post to get advice,more just to vent. Sometimes it helps me, just to vent, to say these things out loud. Im not always looking for advice, but I do take what everybody says seriously and think about it. We are all different. We are need and want different things in relationships. Some couples or just people are better at relationships then others. Im a selfish person in alot of ways. I guess sometimes I feel I want all or nothing. If I dont get all, then I will give nothing. I know its childish and immature to most, but thats just ME.So I live day by day, doing what I need to do for my kids, and the house. My spouse has alot of different interests that take him away from the house, and I will never be able to change that. I dont ••••• about it anymore(I use to all the time)because it doesnt change. So I keep everything to myself. I really get happy having my kids with me everyday, and my spouse is just a neutral part in my life.
This is anon #2 again. I just totally feel the same way as anon #1's last post. It's funny, because my husband has actually called me selfish, childish and immature. If I am, then I am! I just want the happiness that I know I can feel...and the life I'm living now is NOT the way.
If you're selfish and childish, and you are ok with that, then why get married? Why *be* married?
Those 2 things NEVER play a role in a marriage. It actually is the opposite.
I've lived long enough to know that if I make the effort to try to understand his needs, then mine are met too.
Again, selfishness and childishness limits your ability as a wife and mother. We would do anything for our kids... but, what kind of role model would we be for them if we were selfish all of the time? Kids see right through that...even if that selfishness is displayed towards your DH.
This "I want" attitude has got to change into a "I will" attitude. People "want" a lot of things...but, are they "willing" to go the distance to get it?
"What's easily obtained is easily forgotten."
Would your DH write the same thing about you? What would your advice be to your husband if he wrote this on here??
Yes, I am still very attracted to him. I feel like we have a great marriage and no problems in the bedroom area either. We will be married for 9 years next week and it will also be 14 years of being together. (we got married on or 5 year dating anniversary)
Marriage is not easy and it takes effort from both people to make it work. When you throw kids into the mix that makes things even harder. Yes, we have had some very hard times and there have been times I wondered if we were going to make it. We just worked through our problems did a lot of talking and try to make time to talk at least 2 or 3 times a week.
DH is very active and takes very good care of himself so yes, I still find him physically attractive and enjoy our sexual relationship.
I look at it like this: You only live once so why not enjoy the time you have. If you aren't happy then do something about it. I know you are just Venting and I don't want to sound harsh but maybe if the two of you got counceling that would help. Couples counceling has done wonders for DH and myself. It has tought us how to fight the right way and that there has to be give and take in every relationship.
There are so many things written here that I agree with! I personally am head over heels both physically and emotionally for my dh and I feel that is reciprocated. We have a wonderful sex life, although it has slowed a bit since our dd was born. (I'm a pretty sexual person though and always have been.) We're very open with each other about sex. We knew that having a child would change our sex life so we were ready for that.
I think my dh is a hottie LOL  We both try to take care of ourselves for health and appearance. We've been together for 13 yrs, married 7, and I still feel (most days) like it was when we were dating. It's not the WHOLE day, it's the little things that take 2 min. and make me feel like so valued and so loved. We both make a constant effort on a daily basis. If we didn't it would have been over a long time ago because it can't be one-sided.
I cannot imagine getting married for ANY other reason than true love, but I also would never allow myself to be in a position where I HAD to rely on a man to get through in life.
I wholeheartedly believe if you're not happy then you have to get out. A LOT of people don't agree with that, but IMO you only live once, there IS someone out there that will make you happy. Why be stuck with someone you don't even like? Toooooo many people get married and don't realize it's WORK. Once they do, they're too lazy for it and they want out. I'm not saying that applies to either Anon, that's just a general statement.
People who feel this way about their marriages have 2 choices IMO: get out and be done with it OR stay in it and do everything under the sun to be happy together and accept it that way. Individual happiness is under everyone's control, you just have to take the initiative.
I agree with Deanna and Heidi 100%!!
Yes, I am. I go through times where I just don't feel like having sex. DH and I went through a time where his sexual appetite was turning me off because he wanted it so much. We've both improved and have found our common ground in the bedroom. I still think my DH is pretty sexy 8 years later and he can still "Wow" me when he wears a certain colgne...lol! But i've been on the other side of the Anon feature so I know how it can be. I'm just glad we were able to overcome that obstacle.
Yes, I am still attracted to my dh. In fact, I'm more attracted to him now, after 8 years of marriage, than I have been at any other point, other than those first few giddy months. We had a really rough spot a few years ago, where I really didn't think we were going to make it but we've pulled through it and I'm more secure in the love we share now than I've ever felt before. Luckily, for me, he still looks almost the same as he looked the day we met. I don't look the same but he loves me more now than ever and that just makes me love him even more. I'm so happy with him and I think we provide a great role model of marriage for our kids. We do get frustrated and stressed but nothing seems insurmountable or too heavy for us to tackle together.
As so many others have said, a good marriage has a sexual compatibility to it that manifests itself in so many other areas of your relationship. I'm so sorry that you don't feel that way about your dh.
Wow, this sure had become a long topic. I never imagined there would be so many responses.Im glad everybody shared their stories with us. Sometimes it helps knowing what others think, or have gone through.
Nothing has really changed in my mind. My spouse is a good person. I just really think Im just one of those people who shouldnt have been married. I do not regret being married, because I love my kids to pieces, and couldnt imagine life without them. To the outside world, we look like a normal couple, I suppose. There is no romance there. The funny thing is it doesnt bother me enough to do anything about it. So life goes on here, the same way. I wake up knowing, I have my kids that need my attention. I take care of them, the house, cook dinner for the family. After dinner, me and the spouse part our ways, until time to get the kids in bed. Again, after that, he does his thing, and I normally go to bed alone watching tv until I fall asleep.Do we hate each other, no of course not. Is there love there, well Im not sure. I would say we both love each other as people, but there is no romance, no in love feeling. Im not unhappy, but Im not happy either, Im just there. Like I said to others, we probably seem semi normal. While he works, I tend to the house, take kids to playdates, run errands.At home, when he is here, we dont say all that much to each other. We are not rude or mean to each other, more like roommates.(I think somebody else stated that they felt like roommates with their spouse as well).
Sometimes hes wanting sex, in between his rest periods with his hobbies. I mean hes got certain things he likes to do each and every night when it comes to his hobbies. He "thinks" he will come upstairs, have sex, and go right back to his hobby. Oh no buddy, it doesnt work like that.
I know there could be worse things in life. For now, I will do what I have to do and take care of my kids. Who knows, when the kids are all grown up and move out,2 things will happen. EIther, me and my spouse will go our separate ways, or we will stay together. Im thinking if things progress like they are, we will probably go our separate ways. But, that is in the future, and only time can tell.
This post is incredibly sad to me. And the sad part is not that some of you don't feel sexually attracted to your spouse. I think that waxes and wanes throughout marriage as many others have said. The sad thing is that you don't really care. You are just floating through life, doing what needs to be done. We are supposed to live abundant lives and suck all the marrow from life (to paraphrase Dead Poet's Society). In your muddling through life, you are teaching your children to do the same...and modeling an apathetic marriage built on convenience and shared finances. If you don't want to improve things for yourself (and you ARE worth it!!!), then please consider what this is teaching your children. I can guarantee that they are watching and learning.
Not to be rude, but rather a wake up call? All I know is that men are generally sexual beings...if they are not getting it at home, then they are getting it elsewhere. I can't imagine a guy not being frustrated with that.
It seems like you need more romance and he needs more sex...I just think it's silly that you don't communicate those needs so that they're met.
And, honestly, to say that weight has nothing to do with it...hhmmm...I'm going to disagree. It can have drastic sexual side effects, even if you were overweight to begin with.
It seems as if you've given up and you're fine with that. Just remember, when you give up, you give up control. You might feel control over your husband by saying "no" to sex, but what's really happening is you're losing control of yourself.
Do you feel sexy yourself? Have you communicated that if he could put more effort into x, y, z, it would put you in the mood? Are you afraid of what his expectations are in return? Is it so bad to raise expectations after all these years? If it means you'll have sex, then why not?
I don't want to come off as insensitive...and yes, I'm sorry you don't feel attracted to him or anyone for that matter. But, you're right, it IS a problem.
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