The *X* Files
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive August 2005:
The *X* Files
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! I am seeing RED this morning. My youngest will soon be 21, and I am still having issues with my X.
Even though Jen is almost 21, she is still in school, therefore, still largely dependent on Mom and Dad for support. She should graduate next spring.
But my darling X made this agreement with her to pay all of her *bills*, including cell phone, car insurance, credit card that HE got for her that is *supposed* to be used for emergencies only, and give her an allowance for gas, etc., just so she wouldn't have to work while in school. Let me just say this - he did this because she has adult ADD - and when she attempted college and working the first time around, she couldn't handle it and flunked out, lost her TOPS scholarship, etc.
BUT - I thought this was a bad idea at the time, to pay for everything 100%. Now she has graduated from *basic*, and can get licensed as a massage therapist and begin making a little money while finishing school and getting her Associates in Massage Therapy. Which is what I think she SHOULD be doing.
This morning I got a lovely email from him, detailing how much he is putting out monthly for her support, including medical insurance and all of the above, and he tells me he can't afford to do it all since he has bought a house.
Well, she lives with ME, I pay all of her medical co-pays, her food, her clothing, her hair cuts, her school supplies, put the roof over over head, and give her cash for incidentals nearly every week. So I email him back and remind him of that, plus the fact that I am paying off a couple of Jeff's debts, one being a student loan which DH and I agreed to pay off, since he has numerous other student loans he is paying, and another debt I took on when he started college - at my X's suggestion!
I am just so mad right now - I feel like *here we go again*. He will make threats, try to convince me how *poor* he is, and then make me the bad guy when he talks to Jen. Which is par for the course with him, but Jen doesn't have a true concept of OUR OWN living expenses, and this will cause friction that we have constantly been working to overcome - and I think my X secretly enjoys keeping it alive - because then he can make himself feel like the problem solver and give ME advice on how to deal with it.
======SIGH====== I think the main thing that gets him riled up is that I stand up to him rather than let him walk all over me like I did our entire marriage and for several years after it ended. What gets *me* going is the fact that he does this sort of thing several times a year - so I guess he is still pushing my buttons - and it usually ends up causing problems between Jen and me, and I guess I am just dreading what I *know* is coming.........
{{{Karen}}} You think when the kids get older its would be easier dealing with the X's but its not.
I know the feeling.
Tom's dad isn't as bad as your X sounds, but he does do things to make me mad. The only thing he pays for Tom is his cell phone. I try to help Tom with being in college, but I feel I m doing it all, and his dad does nothing! Al {the x} is always telling Tom he has no money...now come on, he rents an apartment has no other kids, or girlfriend, has a great job with the state! UGGGG I just get so annoyed by it!
So I know how you feel!
I'm sorry, Karen. No advice, just {{{hugs}}}.
If *he* can't afford everything that he promised, then it should be *him* that has to tell her so. Cutting back would seem plausible. It's time she grows up. Just give her enough heads up and by spring, she will be prepared. I *completely* understood when my dad cut me off in college. But, he gave me notice ahead of time so I could prepare.
As a high school teacher, I was more than shocked how "protected" kids were from financial knowledge. It's important for you to go over how much things cost/how much you spend on her and your bills, etc. She will be shell-shocked when she is out on her own if not. Even resentful. She will definitely appreciate your preparation. Just tell her that you are not doing it to make her feel guilty about how much you spend on her, but rather trying to prepare her a budget for when she begins to work for her own $ soon.
Make a pie chart if you have to, but I can't see anyone else teaching her these lessons? And, she needs to see where your money is going...who knows what he'll say about your financial situation. Go on the offensive...she'll be thankful!
And, BTW, you are a GREAT mom who is THERE for her while she goes to school!! From what it sounds like, she has a wonderful and supportive mom!!
Many hugs, Karen. What an ugly situation you are planted firmly in the middle of. I do agree with Heidi that Jen needs to see how much money it takes to run a household. Can she sit down with you as you pay bills this month and show her what your budget looks like? Maybe the facts on paper will show her that it isn't just you being a "mean mom".
I think it's wonderful that you are still being so supportive of Jen. My sis is the same age and my mom has washed her hands of her even though my sis is a good kid, doing well in school. Don't worry, Jen knows you're doing a good job, even if she can't admit it now.
Karen, I agree with Heidi.
I used to sit down twice a year with my boys, starting when the middle one started with the serious "I want" stuff at about 12. I would lay it out - here's my gross earnings, here's what I get in child support, this is tax deductions from my paycheck, rent, utilities, transportation, groceries, absolutely minimum necessary clothes - and here's what's left. It really cut down on the "I have to have" and "I want" from all of them.
And, I agree, it's up to him to tell Jen.
What a rat. And oh yes, they do hate it when you start fighting back. My ex was astounded and couldn't deal with it when I would make logical statements instead of yelling or crying.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Karen}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Hugs, Karen. Just be glad you don't have to live with him anymore  . Ditto Heidi, Tink and Ginny. Just show her the facts without making it personal.
Ame
Thanks you guys!!! I have a question for you though, and particularly Ginny, since she has BTDT with the budget thing as you all suggested, or maybe it's just an *issue* -- I don't know if I feel it's necessary, or maybe better put, I don't know if I feel comfortable with, telling Jen exactly how much DH and I make. And the main reason is, it will go back to her dad, who I KNOW makes more than the two of us combined, and I don't think it's any of his business.
So perhaps I can just lay out our monthly expenses without putting our incomes down on paper for her???
There have been a couple new developments since this morning, which are more infuriating, but not altogether unexpected. One of his last email responses to ME was *Fine, I will tell her what your response was*. What an idiot, he is obviously putting Jen in the middle, she probably asked him to buy her some jeans when I told her she would have to wait two weeks, and this is *probably* what spurred this. So now he will tell her *your mother said she is not going to.........*.
I'm almost afraid to check my email at this point. LOL He also informed me that she couldn't take the licensing test yet because the school won't release her transcripts until the loan money comes in. I thought he had taken care of that two weeks ago, now his story is the *first loan information he gave them fell through so he had to make another one*. THAT ticks me off, because all they had to do was go to Sallie Mae, let Jen apply for the loan herself, with him as a co-signer. I did it for Jeff several times. It makes me wonder why I even told him how to do it - obviously he didn't listen.
Yeah, just lay out the expenses. But then you can't include payroll taxes. Do include, however, the copays for her medical stuff you've been paying, etc. She probably has no idea of what your monthly expenses are. If you can separate out what is for her from what is for the household in general, that wouldn't hurt.
Poor Jen, she really is in the middle. And poor Karen - what a jerk he is and no wonder you divorced him.
I'm sure every X-wife says this, but he really *is* a jerk - in more ways than you can possibly imagine, up to and including sleeping with my *friends*.........
The positive side to this is I'm not married to him now! ROFL
So sorry you have to deal with him still...do they make "maturity pills"? LOL
Just a question...would it help to prepare her for when she talks with her father? Like..."Your dad might blame things on me, (and give her examples), and just let her know that you care about her not being in between and that she has your "permission" to tell her father "I don't think we need to bring mom into this". And, possibly pre-empt anything you think he might tell her that isn't true.
I came from a divorced family and they would each take jabs at each other and it just really ruined this pedestal I had them on. I finally had to say,"Dad, I don't want to bring mom into this. It's not right to talk about her while she's not here."
He'll keep feeding her lies, etc. But, again, I don't know her personality and if she feels comfortable doing that. And, you have to make sure that you give the same in return.
Heidi, I and both of my kids have had that same conversation many times in the past few years - and they have actually told him that - and on one or two occasions, they have actually told *me* that, if I bring him up in a conversation! LOL
I'm sure he's already told her my *selfish* response. She stayed at her friend's last night, so we haven't really talked. I don't see her much during the week these days.
I discussed this all with DH last night though, and he agrees with me that we should just show her what the bills are. She does know that taxes eat up your salary and she does have an awareness of how far money doesn't go, just from the jobs she has had, and the jobs her boyfriend has had, so maybe she will understand.
Good...I hope everything goes well. It sounds like she has 2 parents that really want the best for her. Let us know how the conversation goes...I think she'll be understanding and confident in her preparation because of what you're doing.
I think if my parents had given me a basic list of everything in their budget as an older teen/college student I would have been floored! It would have been a great eye-opener for me for what lies ahead in the 'real world' without mom and dad. Ditto everyone and good luck!
|
Members
