Will you give me some advice?

My dh is considering enlisting in the army. I fully support this but would like some idea of the pros and cons, in your opinion, of family life. My dh has a good job right now but has reached a point where he isn't going to make much more in this field any time soon. We have three kids and I'd like to stay at home while going to school for the next few years, not have to jump back into the working world when I don't have many job skills after all this time. My dh is worried about his age working against him (he's 33) or that he'll just be wasting the next four years without gaining any job skills or education that will transfer to the civilian world. Why did your dh join the military and would you prefer to just have a "regular" life? I'd like any information or suggestions that you might have. Thanks in advance

By Cat on Tuesday, August 2, 2005 - 05:35 pm:

Cori, are you willing to be seperated for long periods of time? Are you willing to let him go to Iraq or another country consider a "war zone"? Are you willing to move away from where you are now, possibaly overseas? Is your husband physically fit? The army is a little stricter than the Air Force in that department. Don't get me wrong. The military is NOT all bad, but if you're not used to it, some of the things you have to deal with can come as quite a shock. If he enrolls in any of the services they will basically own him for the term of his enrollment. They'll be able to send him where they want him (with or without his family). Even when he's home they could call him at all hours. I'd suggest if he really wants to pursue this to make sure he gets IN WRITING what he wants to be trained as. Even then they could put him somewhere else. When I joined I went in under "Open Electronics". That meant the Air Force could place me in any job having to do with electronics. I got to put my top 6-8 choices, but I didn't get anything even close to what I put. I avoided any job description/title that had anything to do with weapons and ended up with the job title "Missle Control Communications Specialist." I was actually a glorified telephone repair person, but I was still working on missle sites which I didn't like at all. Some of the pros are there is a real sense of community on most military bases/posts. Base housing (and all it's glory! lol) is available. Full medical and dental coverage. Job security. The GI Bill (matches what your dh would put in for college). Adventure if that's what someone is looking for. lol Talking to a recruiter would be the best way to go, but don't think they won't lie to you so you hear what they think you want to hear. You guys will have to base your decisions on what you feel would be best for your family. I hope I've given you something you can use and that I haven't scared you away! lol I just want you to be able to make an informed decision. Good luck.

By Boxzgrl on Tuesday, August 2, 2005 - 05:37 pm:

I think at 33, joining the military would be beneficial as a career and not just a 4 year "detour" in life, KWIM? There are many, many benefits in the military from the medical coverage to the housing allowances etc.... DH is contemplating the idea of retiring in the Marines for the medical benefits and pension alone. He'd still be young enough to get another job to retire with and receive 2 pensions at 59 years old.

There are many of jobs in the military that your DH could learn and pursue a career with in the real world making great money. But of course, the Army is going to put him where they need him most even if that's not what he wants.
Along with that, your DH would have to get used to the idea of his senior leaders being a lot younger than him since most of your enlisted men are pretty young.
What about deployments? How do you two and the family as a whole feel about it?

I know you talk to Crystal a lot. Maybe see what she has to say (if you havn't already) since i'm sure she knows more of your personal life than some of us.

Anyways, good luck with either decision.

By Boxzgrl on Tuesday, August 2, 2005 - 05:39 pm:

Also, if you talk to a recruiter, keep in mind that they are hurting for men and have been since OIF. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. (Especially in the military.)

By Crystal915 on Tuesday, August 2, 2005 - 08:41 pm:

Of course, you've heard my advice/opinions/babbling ;), we've talked extensively. Anyway, hugs to you and the fam, we know how tough of a decision this can be.

By Mrsheidi on Tuesday, August 2, 2005 - 10:44 pm:

At 33, why doesn't he just get more schooling while he's working so that he can earn more $ down the road? There are plenty of online courses he can take. He could even choose a different field that he's been wanting to do.

DH was in military 5 years. We moved E V E R Y W H E R E it seemed, in that time. I couldn't even put up pictures on our walls for fear we'd have to move again.

It's good $ and good benefits, but it's hard on families. And, he has a good chance of getting deployed.

I also didn't like the fact that we had to know everyone's family business. We were more like marriage counselors than anything. I hated getting phone calls in the middle of the night bc a guy couldn't stop beating his wife, etc. Or, that a soldier couldn't pay his rent yet drives a mustang. It got REAL old REAL fast.
JMHO

By Bea on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 12:03 am:

I spent 30 years as a military spouse and, where it's not the life that everyone would like, I thrived on it. War zones and unacompanied tours were tough, but the homecomings were great. Hubby retired young enough to get another job. He's completely retired now, and we're still young enough to travel and enjoy life. We moved on an average of every 2 1/2 years. We lived in Europe, and all over the U S. Our kids learned other languages and customs. I say go for it.

By Kaye on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 12:44 am:

A different side. I grew up an Army brat. I love it, I loved being with my daddy in mcD and us getting saluted and the door opened for us..LOL. I loved in high school "hanging out" with/near the new young recruits. Nothing is cuter than a man in fatigues. It was a great life for me, I loved moving, making new friends, etc. I missed my dad and didn't really bond with him and get to know him till I was an adult, he was quite frankly difficult, controling, and barked orders at us. But he did get a teaching degree, went reserved, ended up retired lt col and retired supt of schools. He now very comfortably lives off two retirements and no medical or dental bills.

BUT my brother hated this life, he really hasn't ever been okay since our last move. He is pretty unsocial. Probably should have some dx, but doesn't. It was not a good fit for him.

Military is a family choice, it isn't just a job, it is a life. I can't imagine living that life now, it had great perks for me as a kid, but would worry too much about me as a wife doing the same. Moving up in the military is all about appearances, who you know, what you do, etc. i can recall elaborate dinner parties thrown by mom, sitters for us. Big group sitters because they were big parties I would only consider doing the army if I was going to be an officer. Enlisted get treated poorly and paid poorly. I know you have to do your time, but I would have at OTC plan! Of course my dad was drafted and his plans were different, but back then one sure way to get to otc was a volunteer trip to war.

Good luck, sounds like a tough decision.

By Tink on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 01:04 am:

Thanks for all the different opinions. Cat, we have discussed the separations and the inevitablity of deployment. The way things have been in the past, I've been used to him being gone 5 days a week with no support system at all. I know that it would still be a huge change but I do know how to do it all by myself if necessary. I would LOVE to move somewhere else, one of the reasons we are discussing this is we have gotten into an unhealthy rut, in several different areas. Rob is in decent shape, no extra weight on him, although he is a smoker but he is looking for an excuse to quit. (I'm not sure why he needs an excuse!) Both of us are semi-familiar with some aspects of military life. My father was in the Navy and my dh was raised by two career AF parents. We've spoken with a recruiter but I knew to take anything he said with a large grain of salt. Melissa, there is a good chance that this would turn into a career option but four years is all I'm willing to promise at this time. Rob's parents were career AF so he's pretty comfortable with that option. He has no problem taking an order from someone younger than him. Ego is not an issue with this man, he's willing to earn respect from others. And, believe me, Crystal has given up so much time to listen to me debate the pros and cons of this idea. Heidi, right now, we live paycheck to paycheck and, even with the limited financial aid that we're eligible for, paying for schooling isn't an option. Rob isn't even sure he's cut out for college. Due to some learning disabilities, coursework is very difficult for him. We are used to moving. We moved four times in the first five years of our marriage, all within 30 miles. I'm ready for something that really will be a change. I love to travel, can't afford to travel the way we'd like, would love to experience living in different areas of this country and am open to living elsewhere for the experience.

I think this came across as being sooo sure of what we should be doing and that isn't the case. I am worried about a few issues but I really wanted to get perspectives from those of you who've btdt. I wanted to see if you'd bring up points that I hadn't considered. I wanted to know if you considered your lifestyle a good or bad experience. I really appreciate the honesty and different points of view. Thank you.

By Tink on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 01:11 am:

Kaye, we were posting at the same time, I didn't mean to ignore you. I'm really glad to hear your perspective on this. I do worry about how it will affect the kids but our kids are very easy-going and make friends and adapt to new situations easily. My son has an autism diagnosis but will not qualify for services or even fit under the diagnostic criteria at his next evaluation. That has really tied us here for such a long time.

I really feel like this could open up some opportunities for us, that I don't see possible with the road we've chosen so far. I'm hoping that this will give us the chance to provide a different life for our kids and for ourselves. Obviously, this isn't a decision we are making lightly.

By Feona on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 07:05 am:

I don't know if your son still gets services or not. Or if he will need services in the future?

But I remember he used to get services (More than anyone I have heard of) (due to the part of the country you lived in... california right?)

In other parts of the country the beg for one ot session a month for autism.

So I would forget about the army if you son still needs services or if he doesn't like change or has friend where he is. Too risky.

Also you son doesn't like change I would imagine. I changed brands of sun tan lotion on my son the other day.... it was terrible. I don't like change myself but my son would hate it too.


Ds is going to regular kindergarten next year but I know they can throw him into the special ed class if his behavior isn't up to par or they don't think he is learning(even though I know he know more than the other kids)

I won't even look to buy another house in this neighborhood until I am sure of the school situation.

By Bea on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 07:55 am:

The military has fantastic programs for families with special needs. I know of several couples who chose a military career simply because of the services that were available for their special needs children.

By Feona on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 08:08 am:

I would call the special ed office and ask for advice from the special education director or assistant director. Since Tink seems to live in one of the best areas for autism in the country they might know what to expect if they move the child.

I don't know if he is getting social groups at school or full time shadowing...

We just had someone post that their autistic 2 year old was getting 2 hours of therapy a MONTH in Kentucy. In New York or Califoria the same child would be getting over 3 hours of therapy a DAY.

By Feona on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 08:12 am:

double post....

By Jackie on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 08:19 am:

My Husband use to be in the Navy. He was in the Navy when we met. We met in the Chicago area, then transfered out here to the Va beach/Norfolk area. The first year was ok as he was in school and wasnt stationed on a ship. After that he was on a ship and my first child was born right before that.Granted I was new to the area and new next to nobody. I hated it the time alone. It was very depressing to me that my husbands ship was constantly in and out. It was just me and my son for weeks and weeks. At this time(11 yrs ago)I didnt have a computer. Im sure if I had a computer and access to other people to chat with it would of made it easier. It was hard on me. I ended up going back to Chicago two and 3 times a yr for visits etc, while he was out to sea. My husband decided one enlistment was enough for him and got out. He hated being away from me and my son. He hated missing out on so many aspects of his life. Was he glad he joined the Navy, YES.. he was glad he joined. First we would of never met if he didnt join. 2nd, they paid for his school,for him to finish college. He got EXCELLENT training in the Navy. He does not ever regret joining. He just realizes it takes a special type of person to be separated for long periods of time, and he wasnt one of them.

By Mrsheidi on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 09:11 am:

I would hesitate if special needs are an issue. Being a teacher, I see kids who are raised in the environment of being shifted/moved around and their IEP's always seem to suffer because of it.

The teachers have to get to know them and once they do, they're OFF again! Most of the time, the kids go to public schools so that is difficult.

As far as which branch, if you DO decide...I would go Air Force. The seem to REALLY take care of their soldiers/families. Especially when it comes to housing. JMHO

By Feona on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 10:01 am:

Just to be the devils advocate.... I remember you saying your daughter helps protects your son. Now she would have to make new friends in a new place and help protect your son from the usually bullies.

By Boxzgrl on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 10:11 am:

Tink, is the Army the definite branch he's talking about? If so, there's a website www.armywives.com that has a message board. I guarantee if you post there with your questions, you'll get a broad range of answers to help you decide.

And just to defend the enlisted, I don't think they pay is bad. What other job could you go into at 18 with a guaranteed income, discounted services all over, full medical and dental, a retirement plan, paid schooling, base housing with free utilities, and personal help for families everywhere... for free! DH has 5 years in and gets about 4K a month. I'll admit that they pay at first is pretty low but like any other job, you have to build your way up. Most officers we're actually prior enlisted. I think it makes them better officers, having been on both sides of the fence.

By Reds9298 on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 11:10 am:

Ditto Heidi from a teacher's point of view. Special needs kids with IEP's are always at a disadvantage IMO in the military because stability is an issue.

By Tink on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 11:35 am:

I stated in my third post that my son will not qualify for services any longer. He is "cured" for lack of a better term. He doesn't have the symptoms and issues, including trouble with change, associated with autism any longer. We're very lucky in that regard and that is why we are able to really consider this for the first time in several years. We'd talked about this when we first got married but decided to wait until we were done having kids so that he wouldn't miss their births or infancy. Once we were done, my son was dxed and moving wasn't an option since we do receive an incredible amount of services here. Since we won't be getting that anymore, anywhere, this is a an opportune time. My dh would prefer the AF but they aren't as needy for enlistees and my dh thinks he's told old for them. If he joins any branch it will be the army. Thanks for that link, Melissa. I know that we'll struggle at the beginning of his enlistment, financially, but 6 months or a year of that is much better than the road we're looking at now. At least, there will be opportunity for advancement. Taking into account, the medical benefits, the housing, my dh's lack of schooling, and the advancement opportunities, the temporary cut in pay seems doable.

Please keep playing devil's advocate and giving me reasons to argue this in my head. I'm still feeling a bit conflicted and would like to have as much of this settled mentally before we make the decision. Thank you so much, ladies.

By Bea on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 12:34 pm:

http://www.militaryspousesupport.net/
This is a good place to ask questions and get feedback from military spouses who are in the situation you are considering.

By Insaneusmcwife on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 01:47 pm:

I often wonder what civillian life would be like. But then I wouldn't trade my military life for anything. I love that my husband defends our country. He is my hero. He is gone a lot, but that is a sacrafice we both chose to make to insure a better future for our children. The pay is not all that great but the benefits truely make up for it. We have the steady twice a month pay check that is pretty much a guarantee. When dh was sick and in the hospital for 2 weeks, we still got the same paycheck we would have gotten if he had worked those 2 weeks. Medical for the most part is completly paid for. There are some things like breast implants (not that I need them, lord help me, lol), vacetomy reversals etc that are not paid for, but they are elective and that is fine. Dental costs under $30 a month for cost free preventative coverage and 80% most all other coverage. If you are sent overseas, dental is completly free. Then there is the commissary, and that is a huge savings right there even if you don't use coupons, and the exchange. Housing and college are paid for. If you get lucky enough to get stationed where there are DODs Schools, they are absolutely wonderful. Then there is all the misc benefits to being in like the discounts to the theme parks and on vacation packages, the almost free movie theater (used to be free but now the charge .99 per person per movie), the super discounted bowling, etc. I don't know anything about the army but the Marine Corps has fomal dinners and the Marine Corps Ball. Just seeing the pride in my husbands eyes when he wears his uniform, its priceless. Army Wives is a forum you can go to to talk to other army wives, girlfriends and parents. I wish you the best for you and your family.

By Feona on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 03:45 pm:

Don't ex-autism kids have problem that may need addressing in the future?

I could imagine behavior becoming a problem. For any kids actually.

If they don't get you on autism they can get you on emotionally disturbed or conduct disorder. I could easily see my own son having those problems if we didn't give him the right environment. (or even with the proper environment lets face it)


Also the perfectionism my son has could turn into an anxiety disorder so it isn't like all the problems go away when they go into a regular class.

His attention to detail could go into attention deficiet because he concentrates to much on the wrong stuff.

I would still take the the special education department head or assistant department head and ask their advice on this question.


I mean the school district basically with your help cured your son of autism and I wouldn't be so quick to move him out of the school district. I wouldn't change school districts unless my son had problems in his current school district.

I remember how cheap the school district was when they didn't know our family but how now we get the help ds needs. I would hate to go back to crying at the meetings because they aren't giving him the services he needs to succeed. And that is what I think changing school districts might be like. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know.

By Insaneusmcwife on Wednesday, August 3, 2005 - 09:59 pm:

The military has a great program for children with special needs. The EFMP or Exceptional Family Member Program. They place you into categories and depending on your category is where you can be stationed. This helps to insure that you are stationed where there is adequate medical facilities.