Just wanting opinions to help me with a problem I am having with dh.

1. Your dh has a single mom in his scout troop. They have talked about their personal issues in the past. The woman calls your dh about a married man sending her flowers and gifts to her that she doesn't want and asks his opinion on what to do? This woman has a fiance that gets upset when they discuss things. You tell your husband that you don't think its appropriate to get involved in the situation. He goes behind your back at her request and calls this married man to tell him to leave her alone and for him to contact this woman about it. You find out only because you directly ask him if she handled her problem. What are your thoughts if this were your husband?

2. This same woman has been cause of your past marital problems. Husband has shown lots of "interest" in her because he feels sorry for her. She is divorced but engaged. Doesn't seem to have the best relationship with
her fiance. Dh has told me that she gets trashed for the way she dresses (revealing/younger dressing) and for wearing lots of makeup. Dh and her have discussed many problems that you have in your marriage and her personal life. You've tried to tell your dh that you aren't jealous but you do not want her involved as it could lead to something in the future. Even though your dh responds that he'd never cheat. You've explained that things can sneak up on a person and put you in situations you couldn't of expected. This woman has never acted friendly to you and after an argument with your dh you find out that he's told her some very unflattering things about you that do not disclose full details of a situation. Dh says this woman has been a friend to him and he wants her as his friend. Do you have a right to ask him not to see/talk to this person outside of scouting issues because of her being of the opposite sex? Do you feel it is to much to ask of a dh who doesnt have many friends and is trying to make some friends?

By Happynerdmom on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 11:54 am:

For me, it would not be an issue of asking dh to not have friends of the opposite sex. I personally don't have a problem with that. My issue would be with THIS woman. Can you say **RED FLAGS??!!** I would definitely make this an important issue in my marriage. IMO, she is too emotionally dependent on your dh...a role that should belong to her fiancee. I would be having some SERIOUS discussions with dh. Good luck.

By Beth on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 12:01 pm:

I think wether your dh realizes it or not he is playing with fire. I personally think this "women" knows exactly what she is doing also. JMO. I have seen women like this before in the work place. They really are shameless. Anyway this is going to be difficult because if you forbid your dh blah blah blah it could get ugly. Again JMO but maybe you and your dh could benefit from some counseling. Only because I think he has already disregarded your feelings on this and if he is doing it one area I am sure he is in others. Sounds like if nothing else your dh needs someone to talk to because he has felt the need in the past to share with her about your problems. If not counseling at least a long heart to heart talk between the two of you. Is there somewhere your dh could go such as church, guys at work ect.. to meet some male friends?

Luckily my dh has seen women like this and avoided them. There were a few he worked with that treated me like crap secretly behind my back trying to flirt with dh. Dh has had a personal expierence with a good friend of his marriage was broken up over some women who needed "counseling". Really sad thing is the man was a pastor. But he should not IMO been counseling a women alone about her marital issues. I am digressing here. I guess I was just trying to reaffrim that women like this are dangerous.

By Juli4 on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 01:02 pm:

the whole damsel in distress and that " we are just friends" is a load... Sounds as if he is already emotionally attatched. She is digging her claws in and making him feel helpful and good and he is going along from what I can tell. It is a very dangerous path and I think that all contact should be avoided and it is his responsibility to do it. If he keeps going behind your back then it is definetely farther than it should be. I don't think that opposite sex individuals especially married should be forming attatchments and close relationships like that. It is too easy to start to feel romantic toward the other person. That is my opinion. Somehow you don't want to make it forbidden but if you can convince him that it is dangerous and he should leave her alone, but I don't know how to do that. It is a very difficult situation.

By Mrsheidi on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 01:52 pm:

I would just remind him that if, it were *you* in this situation, and you went outside your marriage and started a "friendly" relationship with a man and discussed all YOUR problems with him...how would that make HIM feel?
He needs to tell her that, while he appreciates the confidence in him, that she needs to discuss the problems with her fiance...not him. It's just plain mature. I'm surprised he feels comfortable stepping in like that. She has manipulated him very well.
She sounds very dangerous and has very little self esteem. Maybe if her fiance knew what she was doing, it would put an end to it? But, then again, I'm always the type to just confront the person who is creating this stress in my life. It's never a popular answer, but it always does the trick for me!
It makes you uncomfortable and it's not worth it for him to risk your feelings just so she feels better about having him "save" her. Wonder how many other men she stringing along? Women like that usually don't just pick 1 man to tell...jmho.

By Bea on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 02:45 pm:

I don't care what her situation is, who she is, how she dresses etc. If he loves you and respects you, he will not do something that causes you pain. That's what marriage means. Maybe he needs a refresher course.

By Reds9298 on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 03:30 pm:

Ditto everyone. No good can come of this.

By Monicamomof3 on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 03:39 pm:

Approaching or in an emotional affair?! (Hopefully, it hasn't gone farther!)

There are some serious boundaries being crossed here. I would lay down the law and do it fast. That is *your* husband, NOT hers!


(((((hugs)))))

By Missmudd on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 03:48 pm:

I dont go running and telling my *mother* when dh and I get in a fight, telling this other woman is way out of bounds. I think that people can have totally innocent and close relationships with the opposite sex without having it go any further. This doesnt sound like one of them.

By Amecmom on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 03:54 pm:

Ditto, but no real advice on how to handle it. If you try and forbid him, he may just get more stubborn.
Can you get him out of the scouting thing all together, somehow? I don't like to be sneaky, but here I think you have to be.
After that, don't talk to him about her, but see if you can't nip any contact they might have in the bud.
Remember, sadly, the wife is the last to know when something is going on.
Ame

By Emily7 on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 03:59 pm:

I agree with everything above! It comes down to basic trust, respect, & marital boundaries.
(((ANON)))

By Mommmie on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 04:40 pm:

I'm a single woman and I bend over backwards for there to not even be a slight appearance of a relationship of any kind between me and The Dads. No way. And it's hard sometimes bec certain activities are Dad Duty and then there's me hanging out with all the dads.

I remember wishing Playing Outside and Birthday Parties weren't Dad Duty bec those two things were the worst. I spent *a lot* of time with other women's men and I couldn't avoid it. I didn't sign my son up for scouts bec of it. It would be just more of me and the dads and, ya know, if you are around people long enough, things can happen, relationships form, people get close.

So, I'd be suspicious bec this single mom seems a bit too aggressive.

By Debbie on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 07:35 pm:

I think it is not about him being friends with her, but a lack of respect for you. He went behind your back to do something for her, big red flag. I have learned that when we women have a bad feeling about something, then we are usually right. You obviously have a bad feeling about her. I guess I don't understand why he feels he needs to be friends with her, when he knows that it is causing problems in your marriage. It really does sound like he is "emotionally connected" to this woman. I don't see any good that can come of this. Also, the fact that he is telling her unflattering things about you! How did you find this out? Did he tell you? He is bad mouthing you to her which I think is totally unacceptable. Now, handling it is a tough one. Only you know your dh and how he will react to things. Personally, I would tell my dh that he is being disrespectful and putting her feelings before mine. I guess, I would just come out and tell my dh to stop contact with her. {{{{hugs to you}}}} You are definitely in a difficult situation.

By Colette on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 08:46 pm:

ditto Debbie.


(((anon)))

By Kim on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 09:32 pm:

BTDT.........please trust your gut and don't let him talk you out of it. There are too many red flags here.

By Vicki on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 09:37 pm:

I think you need to trust your gut on this one. Doesn't sound good to me at all. I wish you luck!

By Reds9298 on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 09:57 pm:

Ditto Debbie. If you're uncomfortable with it and he doesn't respect that....RED FLAGS IMO.

By Paulas on Saturday, July 16, 2005 - 12:22 am:

RED FLAGS here too. I would also trust your gut and do something now to stop this before it is too late...if it is not already!

(((((((anon))))))))

By Karen~moderator on Saturday, July 16, 2005 - 07:40 am:

Ditto! HUGE RED FLAGS HERE!! And, BTW, BTDT, sort of similar situtation with X and another *friend*, and she was married too at the time.

By Amecmom on Saturday, July 16, 2005 - 08:44 am:

Just another thought. Can you approach this with him that even though nothing is going on, it gives the appearance that there is. You are starting to get "looks" from people. You want to protect his reputation and the reputation of your family. Not to mention that you don't want something getting back to your child(ren) and upsetting them.
So, can he please stop having contact with this woman?
Maybe he'll stop if he thinks his reputation is in danger?
Just a thought. Good luck and lots of hugs.
Ame

By Anonymous on Saturday, July 16, 2005 - 08:50 am:

Thanks for your input. I showed him the posts in hopes that having other ladies show how they would feel and it wasn't just me being insecure.

We have talked and had a huge blow up over this. He couldn't see how things could go further since he "wouldn't cheat". He didn't understand though that my main reasoning is that I felt uncomfortable with this gal and that close relationship with her. He said I was jealous. But he has agreed to stay away from this gal other than scouting and let her know if she gets in touch with him about personal things, that he's not wanting to become involved or that I am willing to offer my support.

The bad thing is.. I get to have her over to our house in a few weeks for a scouting picnic we are having. The man who has been harrassing her may also be there since his dd is one of my scouts. What fun! NOT!

Thanks again.

By Amecmom on Saturday, July 16, 2005 - 09:26 am:

Kudos to both of you for being able to talk about this and come to an agreement. That is awsome!
As far as the picnic at your house, there will be a ton of people there, so maybe it won't be so bad ...
Ame

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, July 16, 2005 - 11:35 am:

If this man is sending her unwanted gifts, and he is married, she should tell him that not only will she refuse or trash his gifts, she will tell his wife - and if that doesn't work she will seek a protection or "keep away" order.

Kudos to you and your dh, indeed. He needs to understand that the issue is not whether he has sex with her, but that he is sharing time and intimate thoughts and conversation when he could be with his family - and it is totally out of line for him to share personal details of his marriage with her. Of course, now that he knows she will use such information against you in discussions, that should be a good lesson. And, of course, the issue is that it makes you unhappy and uncomfortable.