My ds(who just turned 5) had a birthday party last weekend. He invited the boys from his baseball team and the boys from his preschool class. We were sitting down yesterday writitng thank you cards. Actually, I was writing them and he signed his name. While we were doing it, I realized we have been to lots of birthday parties this year and have never received a thank you card. Am I the only one who does this? I have my dks write thank you notes for gifts that family send and for christmas presents, so I figure this is the same thing. What do you think?

By Angellew on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 08:51 am:

I'm with you! Whether it's a birthday party or a gift in the mail, anything, I write a thank you card and have my DD sign it (she's only 3!) But, I think it's necessary and do it all the time! But, I agree with you that I seem to be the only one who does it. I think I've only received one in the past three years!!! It's a shame! I think it's just proper!

By Trina~moderator on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 08:55 am:

YES! I always have my kids write Thank You cards.

By Jackie on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 09:23 am:

My kids dont, if they thank the person in person, if that makes sense. If they have a birthday party, and everybody is there. I make them thank the person after the present is opened, and when that person leaves. If my children get gifts in the mail, or from people who couldnt make it to the party. They will write a thank you note. If they get a gift from reletives from out of town, they have a choice, writing a thank you card, or calling the person on the phone and saying thank you.
I never receive thank you cards from any of the parties we attend.

By Mrsheidi on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 09:39 am:

I think it's important and teaches them a valuable lesson. My little brother had ones that were "pre-made" that he could fill in...
"Thank you for the (blank). I really appreciate it! Love, (blank)" You can get them at the supermarket.

By Jann on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 09:42 am:

Absolutely, we always write a note even if we thanked them in person. I write thank you notes too if I receive a gift or a kindness.

By Luvn29 on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 10:02 am:

We're the same as you, Jackie. The kids make sure to thank each person personally, and when at their own party or Christmas with the family and such, they do a "public" thank you also. Then, as we leave and they are telling the person good-bye, they thank them again. Not just a "thanks" without eye-contact and rush off. A sincere "thank you so much for the ________. I can't wait to play with it/use it/wear it/ etc."

We don't ever have instances where they get things in the mail, but if they did from family, I would have them call and talk to them for a few minutes.

I personally think that all of my family would rather have the few minutes personal time with my son or daughter speaking to them than a card they were just made to sign. (Don't get me wrong, I have nothing at all against thank you cards.)

Of course, that is just my family. We are very informal about everything. None of my family's children do thank you notes either.

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 11:13 am:

I have always been impressed that my niece made her son (my greatnephew, for pete's sake) write a thankyou note before he could use the gift he received.

I do agree, however, with Adena that in the case of grandchildren/grandparents, etc. the giver might actually prefer an opportunity to talk with the child in a thankyou phone call.

I don't like the idea of the pre-printed thankyou cards Heidi describes. I think if someone gives you a gift, it is worth taking the few minutes to write a few lines on the inside of a card or on a piece of stationary.

By Tink on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 11:31 am:

Honestly, no, we don't write them. None of our friends do either. The only time I receive thank you notes is from an adult. While I think it is a wonderful idea, I don't ask my kids to and no one else around here does either. We do make sure to thank in person, if possible, or call to thank the giver.

By Hlgmom on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 01:12 pm:

We always write thank yous! It is such a great lesson in appreciation and good manners!

By Marcia on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 01:21 pm:

No, we don't either. The kids typically only get gifts from people who are here to give them, and they thank them and then the parents.
If something is mailed to them, which is rare, they call or send an email thank you.
I've never seen a child send thank you notes for birthday gifts.

I'm not saying I don't believe in thank you notes at all, just not when the person is right there to thank.

By Bea on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 02:53 pm:

I believe in Thank You notes for gifts and for actions....ie: invitations....favors...hospitality. I made my sons write when they were old enough to write. I wrote for them when they were babies. I send thank you notes no matter how the gift was received. If someone took the trouble to shop, wrap and present, or send a gift to me...I believe a short note of thanks is totally appropriate. Preprinted cards are only acceptable if you write several sentences of your own thoughts also. I believe in old fashioned manners and graciousness, and wish there was more of in in today's world. I think all of us would benefit from it.

By Kellyj on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 04:02 pm:

We write thank you notes even if we thank verbally. After Lexie's 2nd birthday she fingerpainted on 4x6 plain index cards and I wrote a brief thank you. Maybe it was cheesy but I think that it is important to thank people with a note. I feel like gifts have come to be expected instead of appreciated and its a huge pet peeve of mine. I know that with my youngest nephews (8 and 10) we usually get a half hearted thanks and I'm not even sure if they know which gift was from us.

By Bellajoe on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 04:08 pm:

Yes we do thank you cards. My dd writes her own (she's 6) and 4 yr old ds signs his name to the cards.

I am glad to say that I am not the only one who does this. They have recieved thank yous from ever party they have been to this year.

I was in a wedding about 2 yrs ago. The bride never sent thank yous for the shower or wedding...at least I didn't get one and neither did any of the other bridesmaids....but that's a whole other story!

By Yjja123 on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 04:46 pm:

Absolutely! They are not allowed to play with or use anything until a thank you is written. When they were younger, I would write it and let them color on the thank you. Since they were old enough to write, they have written their own. We try to include a picture of the kids with the gift. It does not matter if they thanked anyone in person, we always follow up with a handwritten note. I think that it is important as Bea said "If someone took the trouble to shop, wrap and present, or send a gift to me...I believe a short note of thanks is totally appropriate.". I have not, nor ever would, used a preprinted card.
Yvonne

By Jann on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 05:04 pm:

Amen Bea!!!
Didn't know that 'no one does it' was a reason to stop having good manners. Guess, if most of my kids' friends have trouble with the please and thank you's, I should just quit nagging my kids to be polite and have manners.

By Marcia on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 05:13 pm:

Jann, I don't think that anyone above, myself included, was saying that they encouraged or allowed their kids to be rude. We all stated that we make sure they say thank you or call or email. Even my child who cannot speak is expected to sign thank you. I would hardly classify any of my kids as impolite or lacking in manners.

By Jann on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 05:34 pm:

All I am saying is that imho, writing thank you notes falls under the same category as saying please and thank you....it's all good manners and required by me of my children regardless of whether other's require it of their children.
And, I have met many parents that don't require please and thank you's to be said if the child uses 'a nice tone of voice'.

By Luvn29 on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 05:43 pm:

I'm not about to turn this into a debate. But I had to defend myself and the others in that my kids have the best of manners. I have always had people, including people from church, teachers, principals, family members, and complete strangers, compliment me on my children's behavior and manners. I have had people tell me numerous times that they could not believe I was able to bring my two young children to places that I do and they behave so superbly.

I am very proud of my children, and their manners, especially considering I am such a young mother, and we all know those stereotypes. Just because we do not find it necessary to write thank you notes in our circumstances does not mean I am going to not teach my children good manners.

This is not saying we never use thank you notes. I wrote thank you notes as a bride, and we have always given handwritten thank you notes to teachers just because. Not for a gift, but because they were wonderful teachers.

My daughter is going into fourth grade and every single teacher has told me that they wish all their students could be so well behaved and well mannered. Guess I'm doing something right.

By Jann on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 05:47 pm:

Again, to me, it's all part of the whole package.

By Happynerdmom on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 06:02 pm:

I am very similar to Marcia. We do write thank you notes for some things, but usually not when the gift was given in person. I think, more than anything, it's a habit. I never wrote thank you notes as a child, and consequently, it's just not a habit for me. I do insist on manners for my children, and they do say thank you for gifts. (In person, a call, email, or card.) This is obviously something that some people are passionate about, and that's okay. We are all different and have our "things" that get us going...as demonstrated so well by this board, LOL! But for me, Marcia, and Adena, thank you notes aren't one of them!

By Tink on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 06:11 pm:

Ditto Adena. Jann, I found it extremely offending that, since my kids don't send out thank you notes, they must be rude or without manners at all. We also don't require them to use "sir" or "ma'am", simply because, in this area, that is unheard of. A note of appreciation is sent out if someone hosts a party or get-together, to teachers at least twice a year, and for out-of-the-ordinary gifts but my children receive gifts throughout the year and a sincere thank you and the pleasure that they display upon seeing the gift has always been enough for the giver. Saying that our choice in not matching every standard of manners is the same as not bothering with manners at all seems like a gross exaggeration. If someone doesn't remove their shoes in my home, even if that is polite, I don't assume that they have no respect for me or my home.

I wonder if this could be a regional or generational difference.

By Marcia on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 06:52 pm:

Tink, I agree that it's regional, just as many things are that we discuss. I would certainly never assume someone's children must be rude just because they do things differently than we do in the area that we live.

By Debbie on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 07:18 pm:

I was raised to always send thank you notes for gifts, no matter what the situation. So, basically I still do that, but I don't get bent out of shape if others don't. It does make me mad if I send something and I don't even get a call to say that they got it. Dh's family is bad about this. Eventually I stopped sending gifts and now I just send cards for special occasions. I figure if they can't take the time to call and say they got something, then I am not going to send it. Probably not the best attitude.

I don't look down on people for not sending thank you notes. I just, personally, feel it is a nice gesture and I feel it doesn't take a lot of time.

By Jackie on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 07:37 pm:

This post kind of bothered me as well. My kids dont send Thank you notes, because I dont make them. Inever did as a child. I would thank the person when I got the gift, or call on the phone.I wouldnt say my kids have no manners because they dont write thank you notes. My kids say please and thank you. They dont say mam or sir, but that is regional I think.
Although my son doesnt send thank you cards, he has frequently stayed behind to hold a door open for an elderly person,or a lady with kids. In school, he gave up his recess and PE,(on certain days of the week)to volunteer in the Special Ed classes..Nobody told him too, something he wanted to do. My kids are very geniune in their own way, have manners, even though I dont force them to write thank you cards.

By Jann on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 07:55 pm:

I am sorry that some of you took what I said so personally. I did not mean it to attack anyone. Maybe it is regional or even generational, but to me, thank you notes, saying please/thank you, opening doors, eating with your mouth closed, using a napkin ect ALL fall under the category of good manners, and I expect my children to do all of those things. It's kind of like when my oldest started dating, his dad and I sat down and taught him how to treat his date (holding the door open for her, waiting and walking with her, car door, letting her order first, listening to her, where his hands go when they are dancing ect) he was like 'oh mom, none of my friends do these things' and we told him too bad, that this was how we expected him to treat his dates. I have heard from several girl moms that the girls have noticed how he treats them and it's appreciated.

By Bea on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 11:16 pm:

I was raised in a family ...long ago....who did not send thank you...(bread & butter) notes. When I was about 12, a younger cousin sent one to us, and I was so impressed by the civility ... the graciousness of it. From that day forward, I sent a note for every gift. My parents had nothing to do with it. I firmly believe in the old fashioned manners. I really long for the way people used to treat each other. The rudeness and lack of social graces in the world today makes me so sad.

By Lauram on Saturday, July 16, 2005 - 10:08 am:

My kids send thank you notes- most of the time for gifts received and not thanked personally. I used to do more elaborate things when I wasn't so overwhelmed- like have my son make paintings for everyone (before he could write) and we'd send those. I'd do the writing for him.

Honestly, what bugs me more than people who don't send thank you notes (very few do) are people who don't RSVP. GRRRRR......

By Jann on Saturday, July 16, 2005 - 10:20 am:

So true, Laura!!! I even write on the invite instead of RSVP, 'please reply'. I have also resorted to adding my email address cause for some reason people can email but not phone.