Help with a depressed family member
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Help with a depressed family member
I am going anon. on this because i don't feel very comfortable discussing this, but I need help in this matter.
My sister in law is depressed. About 11 yrs ago she was pregnant and miscarried at about 4 months. After that I think she just took it as a sign that she was not meant to have a baby. Eiher that or she just didn't get pregnant again and instead of going to a specialist in the matter, she just gave up. Then about 6 or 7 years ago she and my brother announced that they were going to try and adopt a child from Russia. They went through all the paper work and they had someone from the agency come see their house and give them the o.k. that hte house suitable for a child to live in. They were just to the point where they would get a video or picture of their little boy. At that point, Russia stopped the American adoption procedures for some reason. I don't remember the reason. After that happened, my brother and her just gave up! Once again she decided that they are not meant to be parents. So part of me thinks that they were not all that into the idea of having kids. Because to me, if you want kids, you will do anything to have them. Those to, imo, think way too much. At one point they said that they would have a kid if i agree to babysit it during the day while they were at work (because I am a SAHM). I'm thinking NO, you don't decide to have a baby only if you have someone to watch it. I have my own kids thank you very much.
All together they have 10 neices and nephews. When the kids are over, my sister in law plays with them for a while but after a while she wants to leave. She does not like being around children for very long. I don't think she goes home and cries, she goes home and goes to sleep. She sleeps a lot. Sure, i understand that she is tired after a day at work. We all are. But she takes naps on the weekends. And she wakes up tired. It's just sad. A lot of times she makes excuses to go home and be alone. She usually says she has a headache, or does not feel well or just that she is tired. And she does not talk about being depressed. She probably would deny that she is depressed. My brother is afraid to talk to her about it. He wants her to see a Dr., but he doesn't want to bring it up to her because he doesn't want her to get mad at him.
A few months ago my sister was in town with her family. Everyone came over to my house to hang out one night. But my sis in law stayed home. So my brother asked us what should he do. My poor brother was almost in tears because he is at his wits end about this. They both just turned 40 yrs old a few weeks ago. I"m sure they think it is to late to do anything about having kids. And at this point I am not sure if they should. They are both very inpatient and of course are used to their lifestyle. Having a kid would change everything. They are used to just grabbing keys and going out the door. Taking a trip at a moments notice and they have their cool sports cars, no minivans there!
I''m not sure why I am writing this. I guess i am just hoping someone will have something helpful to say. Thanks for listening.
Is there any chance your brother would pressure your sil to go into counseling, or that the two of them would go into counseling. Sounds to me like there are a number of issues - her depression, their childlessness, whether they realy, really want a child.
I read that your brother doesn't want to bring it up with her. But if he noticed that she had a physical problem, wouldn't he bring it up. You're talking about their future happiness as a couple, and her future happiness - seems to me that is worth risking an argument.
Depression is the pits - and denial is a major part of it until it gets totally out of hand. I suggest to your brother that it is better to risk her anger now that possibly really serious problems in the future.
There isn't a whole lot you can do other than to be supportive of your brother if/when he decides to bite the bullet. You are a good sister and sil to be so concerned, especially when it is clear there isn't a whole lot you can do - that must be very frustrating.
Oh, and they may have been lucky to not get a Russian child. There are terrible problems with alchohol abuse in Russia, and a lot of people who adopted babies from Russia found they were dealing with the results of fetal alcohol syndrome. I will say that a friend of my niece adopted two babies from Russia, but they were careful to adopt children of Muslim women from a rural area (no alcohol).
Ginny, we have told him to go to counseling with her. I think he is understandably worried that if he brings it up, she will be upset with him for a long time. She is a nice person but also strong willed and stubborn. I agree that he should risk her anger now and not wait till her depression is worse.
I guess it is good that they didn't adopt a child from Russia seeing as they do have lots of health problems.
Thank you for responding to my post, Ginny.
If you brother is afraid to do it, can you? Something like, I noticed....
Her story sounds so sad. Infertility is awful. BTDT.
It sounds to me more like she's protecting herself from the disappointment of thinking she was going to have a child and then losing it.
It sounds like she could really benefit from medical intervention.
Does she know any other infertile couples she can talk to? There are a lot of message boards online. I know that really helped me when I was going through this.
Laura, my sister when through infertility. Years of taking temperatures and shots. They thought it was her endometriosis so they cleared that all up for her. Still no baby. Then they ended up doing IVF and ended up with a little boy. Then later did IVF again and ended up with beautiful twin girls. So sis-in-law knows it can happen. Like I said before, she just gave up.
And No, I don't think I can do it. The only person who really can talk to her about it is my brother.
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