I am a stepmom, my stepdaughter is now an adult 20 yo. She got married very young, against better judgement, but I was pretty much told to butt out. Of course the marriage has failed and she is on her own with a baby. She called DH yesterday and wants him to cosign a loan of $8000 so that she can go to school to become a massage therapist. I voiced my concerns w/ dh, that if she needs help she needs to see if there is financial aid, and if there isnt, the school is probably unaccredited and she needs to take a good hard look at the whole thing because it probably is a scam. The total is for $13000, I know that getting an associates degree at the local college would cost less than that, and would be by term, not all up front. Dh said "well at least she is thinking about the future now that she is a single parent"

She NEVER calls unless she needs money which makes me angry. I know that you should never cosign a loan unless you expect to have to pay for it yourself and I think that is exactly what is going to happen, and I am none to happy about it, I know that sounds selfish but she really has never made any effort to be part of the family so why should I bend over backwards to bail her out? And we really cant afford to take over the $8000 loan. Anytime I say anything even very tactfully like "they are pretty young to be getting married", or "she really needs to look at this carefully because she could end up paying a whole bunch of money for nothing", I end up being the wicked stepmother, so most often I just shutup, but I dont feel like I can this time around.

By Christylee on Thursday, June 16, 2005 - 12:01 pm:

I would most definatly advise her to look into financial aide. As a single parent she can get grants even that don't have to be paid back. Our government would rather give it to them up front than have them stay on state assistance if they are willing to go to school. My sister is a young mother as well and has had grants every semester so far.

I just recently completed a technical program such as the massage therapy program but mine was surgical technology and I was able to get "some" assistance with grants ($3500) and student loans for mothers.

As for loaning her money I would have a hard time too, especially if it's going to put a strain on your family.

By Crystal915 on Thursday, June 16, 2005 - 12:09 pm:

Honestly, I'm only a couple years older than your step-daughter, and I didn't exactly listen to my parents as a teen, made crappy choices. If I called my parents right now, and asked for a loan, they would still say no, they would be more likely to pay something directly for me, but I make it a point not to ask. Part of being a grown up is taking responsibility for yourself, and if she's a single mom there are options for her. Have her look into grants, etc, even those with horrible credit can get loans for school, and many grants exist for people in her shoes. Good luck.

By Emily7 on Thursday, June 16, 2005 - 12:20 pm:

It seems to me if she is trying to make a honest effort to do something for herself & her baby she would want to pay for college on her own, by looking into financial aid.
I would not cosign for her personally especially if the school has not been fully researched. Your dh can't buy her love & if this is the only time she tries to be in his life that is what it sounds like she expects.

By Kernkate on Thursday, June 16, 2005 - 12:27 pm:

As I have been the wicked step-monster for a time now I would let her apply for help for her education. I have had the same thing happen the only reason DSD would call was when she needed something, and it had to come to a stop.
There are many grants that she could apply for in her situation.
Good Luck.

By Karen~moderator on Thursday, June 16, 2005 - 12:30 pm:

My youngest DD is in massage therapy school. She should definitely look into financial aid. Tell her to file the FAFSA NOW! Christylee is right, if she's a single mom, she will be eligible for grants and such. My oldest DD is a single mom and just graduated from college last December, she has a 4 y/o and she got many grants.

I understand you not wanting to cosign for loans - you are definitely liable if she doesn't pay. IF she looks into things NOW, I am sure she can get loans/grants to pay for her schooling.

By Reds9298 on Thursday, June 16, 2005 - 12:32 pm:

Ditto everyone else. I would not give her the money. There are WAY too many other options for her to get financial help. NO ONE can say (at least these days) that they can't afford a higher education of some kind because there are just too many resources, including just a plain old student loan that she would eventually pay back. Good luck....I'm sorry you're in this position.

By Mrsheidi on Thursday, June 16, 2005 - 02:22 pm:

I would give options, like the community college route or give other options. Act like your helping, but yet still protect yourselves from this young girl who hasn't explored all of her resources yet. You'd be surprise how much the government can shell out at a REALLY low rate. The loan she is asking for is ridiculous and probably not nearly as good as what the government can offer anyway.
NEVER cosign anything, I say...the fact that she needs a cosigner says something about the situation anyway. And, it's YOUR MONEY TOO!!!
Voice your opinion, but give options as your output.

By Karen~moderator on Thursday, June 16, 2005 - 03:16 pm:

In her defense, if she is a freshman, or has never had a student loan before, private lenders, even for student loans will often ask for a cosigner. However, considering her situation, she should qualify for loans and/or grants.

By Tonya on Thursday, June 16, 2005 - 03:33 pm:

If she is a single mom and has a low income she will qualify for a government grant. I was a sinlge mom at 21 with a low income for 3 yrs and went to college to better myself and had grants to help me along the way. I had a loan also but didn't have to start paying on it for 5 yrs after my schooling was done. DO NOT co-sign for her you will regret it. Put your foot down with your DH and tell him she needs to be more independent about things and make it on her own. Moral support yes financial NO!!

By Vicki on Thursday, June 16, 2005 - 04:23 pm:

I may have an opinion that is not popular at all, but if you choose to put your foot down on this one, I think that your going to have to do the same thing for any children that you have. I understand from what you have said that she has been less than ideal in the past, but she is still his child. I don't know how long you and her father have been together and if she lived with you or all of that, but there is definately some history there. That all may have had some effect on the choices that she has made in the past. Without knowing the whole story and reasons that could be WHY she doesn't come around and all of that, I don't feel comfortable at all saying not to help her out. Yes, she should most definately look into some financial aide, but if that is not available, I don't feel comfortable saying what I would do. Like I said, there is some history there that might have caused her to make choices and she might just be trying to set her life straight now.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, June 16, 2005 - 09:16 pm:

Is this a student loan? I've never heard of student loans needing cosigners, but I could easily be wrong. I also really, really have strong concerns about (a) the price tag, and (b) that they want all the money up front. What happens if she drops out? If she fails?

The thing about you cosigning is that if she decides to drop the program she has no really strong reason to make the payments on the loan (and no income with which to do it). If she gets a student loan without a cosigner, if she drops out she is still stuck and has to pay it back herself, which could be a motivator.

I share your doubts, and if it were me I would not cosign.

By Reds9298 on Thursday, June 16, 2005 - 09:27 pm:

I didn't need a cosigner on my student loans, never heard of that.
I hadn't thought of your other kids...I agree that what you do for one you have to do for all, JMHO.

By Karen~moderator on Thursday, June 16, 2005 - 09:49 pm:

Yes, private education loans, i.e. those that are NOT government loans, sometimes need cosigners. We went through Sallie Mae for private education loans for Jeff and he needed a cosigner his freshman year in college. After that, he could get them without a cosigner but the interest rate was higher.

The private loans are NOT handled exactly in the same way as the Federal Stafford loans.

As for the school wanting all the tuition up front, that would raise red flags with me. The massage therapy school Jen goes to - Blue Cliff - requires payments quarterly, or twice a year, or something. I'm not sure, she paid some of the tuition up front, and is making student loans for the remainder.

Regardless, the link to the FAFSA is above, and she should start looking around for loans and grants.

By Anonymous on Thursday, June 16, 2005 - 10:43 pm:

I told dh about the fafsa website and voiced my concerns about the cost and that I thought the price was high and that I was afraid it was a scam. Now what he plans on doing is up to him, I dont think he would cosign without my ok, but he may feel an obligation to her even if it isnt the best thing imo. Thanks for the feedback, I needed to hear that I wasnt as wicked as sometimes i am made out to be. As far as treating all the kids equally, I have been more than fair on making sure that she has had what she needed, I just dont know if this is a need or not and the comment about if she doesnt finish and doesnt have income and we get stuck with the loan is likely to be what happens. And to be totally truthful, she has 4 parents that look out for her, the ex the new husband, the dh and me. Our kids only have us two.

By Pamt on Thursday, June 16, 2005 - 11:56 pm:

I probably wouldn't co-sign. And, I disagree with the statement that you have to do for other kids what you do for her. If other kids go against advice and judgment and marry at a young age, then they have cut the parental cords and emancipated themselves as adults. You are no longer responsible for them financially. She made that choice. IMHO, if at 18 they decide to go to college or trade school and you and DH have previously decided to foot some or all of the bill, then that's fair. However, if they want to "find themselves" for a couple of years and then get an education, they might have lost that opportunity. Also, my profession requires a master's degree as a minimum, so my parents were willing to pay for my graduate degree. They weren't willing to pay for my sister's M.S. because it was a perk but not necessary to her career (she's a teacher), as it was to mine. At any rate, they didn't pay for mine either because I got married in between the 2 degrees and felt as a married adult woman that it was MY responsibility.

By Kaye on Friday, June 17, 2005 - 12:26 am:

I guess it really just depends on your situation. For example my inlaws keep all their finaces seperate, his money is his, her money is hers and they individual contribute to the income and then spend on their children as they choose. She way out spends him (my hubby's dad), and we would be really mad at her if she butt into what he decided to do or not do with his money. I think as a couple discussing things are important, but as far as the kids go it just depends on age, how long you have been in the picture etc. And the big important, does it HURT you...not your kids, but you. Will you have to do without.

As far as college and who pays, again this is a discussion that you need to have. My parents paid mine, I got married they still paid. My dad felt like he owed it to me and me being married didn't take away that responsibility of his. But I also went straight and didn't take a break, I married over spring break and went straight through summers till I graduated (7 month pg..LOL).

I think with all the blended families there just has to be lots of communication and boundries set. My dad has recently remarried, I still feel like I have more rights on his money and stuff than she does. Now do I deserve it? Not really, but then again, I don't really want HER kids to have it either. But I try to keep it in perspective, it is just stuff, no matter what happens it is the relationship, the love and the memories that matter. So be careful not to ruin those!

By Karen~moderator on Friday, June 17, 2005 - 07:51 am:

I agree with Pamt. When my kids started college, they had Federal Stafford loans as well as private loans. My X and my DH and I made an agreement with them, that we would pay the interest on the loans, or the notes (if that was how we set the loan up initially) on the loans while they were in school, but once they were out, they had to take over the payments.

My oldest DD didn't go to college until she was out of the Coast Goard and in her mid 20's. She paid for all of her schooling through her service benefits, and since she became a single mother, she was eligible for numerous grants. She is applying to grad school and she will be paying for it.

Unfortunately after 2.5 years of college, Jeff has stopped going and I have no idea if he will go back. Big mistake on his part, but at 21, I can't force him. So now he is faced with repayment of all of his loans. Since he went to Loyola for 3 semesters, his student loans are already astronomical. The only one DH and I are still paying was the first private loan we took out in our names, and the only reason I'm paying it is because of the huge amount of debt he has in loans. We told him we would pay that one, but he is responsible for all of the others.

I agree with checking out this massage therapy school further. Jen's tuition is due based on how many quarters she goes. She paid the initial down payment out of her own money she had in the bank. My X has helped her get student loans and he is paying them while she is in school, as DH and I did for Jeff, and she will pay them off once she's out of school.

Our decision to help pay for 2 of the kids' school loans was not made with the intention of doing more for one than the other. As Pamt said above, Jules had *left the nest*, and also had other options available to her for tuition payments. Honestly, if we could AFFORD to pay for 100% of J & J's education, we would be happy to, but that is not the case. But there is nothing wrong with them paying for at least part of their education.

If your DSD wants to go to school badly enough, she will find a way. If she's too lazy to get off her butt and complete the FAFSA and do some research herself, then shame on her. She is married with a child, so she SHOULD be independent. There's a way for her to go to school if she really wants to, without your help.

By Vicki on Friday, June 17, 2005 - 08:13 am:

They way I read it she is not married. She is on her own with a small child and only 20 years old! Maybe my mind will chance in 10 years when my dd is 20, but I could just never tell her sorry kid, you made some bad choices now your just stuck. I am not saying I would just hand her the money, espically if I thought it might be a scam. Of course it goes without saying that it should be checked into and financial aide should be explored. But, if the school is legit and she can't get financial aide.... And from the numbers it does sound like she is planning on paying some of it. And she isn't asking for money, she is asking you to co sign. Now I also realize that she might not follow through and when you co sign you should just expect to pay for it. From the little tid bit of what I hear, it sounds to me like she is trying to better her life for her and her child. I would be happy with that. I would be happy that she doesn't just want to so on welfare and all of that and let the state take care of them. I guess I am the one missing something though because I am the only one who seems to feel this way!! I just don't think I could ever shut dd off like that!

By Karen~moderator on Friday, June 17, 2005 - 09:03 am:

Vicki, I don't mean to sound like they should just cut her off, but she DOES have options, especially as a single parent (yes, I have an error in my post above - should have said *was* married....). The point I was trying to make is, there ARE options and help available to her, she just has to spend the time and energy looking for them. And if she looks in the right places, she may well be able to get a loan without a cosigner.

I realize 20 is still a child in many eyes - my youngest is 20, and though she is fighting to become an adult, she is still a child in many ways.

And I am not saying my kids have always made the best, or the right choices, because certainly they have not.

But in raising 4 kids, we have experienced what apparently Anon is experiencing, the one who is in contact only when and if they need something and being left *holding the bag*. My point is there is probably a way for her to get the money she needs for school on her own, if she looks for it.

By Pamt on Friday, June 17, 2005 - 09:53 am:

Vicki, I understand your POV. I'm not saying the OP should totally cut off her SD, but I still wouldn't co-sign. Maybe offer to pay for books or daycare to assist financially, but not perhaps gets stuck with $8000 to pay ad nothing to show for it. My parents were married when my mom was 15 and my dad was 17 due to my mom getting pregnant. My parents have said many times that if they hadn't had to struggle on their own to make it that they never would have. They went to a "work at your own pace" school to get their highschool diplomas. My dad worked as a milkman to put them through college and they would schedule classes at opposite times. My mom said that they would literally pass my sister through the car window switching childcare and classes. My mom's dad was a physician and she was raised in a house with a full-time maid and didn't know how to do squat. They lived in a trailer until I was about a year old and then into a rental house. They had been married about 7 years by that time. Point of my long-winded story...they were forced to do it. They got very minimal financial assistance from their parents and they had to do a lot of growing up quickly. It took my dad 9 years to get a 5 year pharmacy degree and 3 colleges (he flunked out of one and transferred once). I was a toddler at his college graduation and my sister was a first grader. They had to work hard to recover from their mistakes and it made them into the people they are now. They will celebrate their 44th wedding anniversary in October and my mom has an M.S. and my dad has his doctorate---all because the cords were cut.

By Reds9298 on Friday, June 17, 2005 - 12:12 pm:

I agree that she should not be 'cut off' by any means, but offer to pay for specifics where the cash would not go to her and you would not have a large loan to repay on your own. If she really wants to make her life better, she'll do the research, use the resources, and do it.

By Anonymous on Friday, June 17, 2005 - 12:59 pm:

It all depends on the child. If I had been cut off I would have killed myself. I never would have made it. I needed just a little more time to mature and grow up.